Parents taking over parenting

[TalkToTheHand123]

I'm starting to lose my rag.

I split up with my ex about a year ago now and with the ex being very unreliable, I've had to rely on my parents for help as I work full time.

I used to just stay over when dd6 was with them sometimes instead of travelling backwards and forwards, but started to get annoyed with their soft approach to parenting and their interference when I was being firm with dd6, so I stopped staying over. (My dad would let her read at half eleven at night).

I was over there yesterday and was being firm with dd6 as she'd been to gymnastics (arranged by my parents, but which I had agreed to) and I wanted her to get changed straight away and wouldn't let her out of her room until she changed clothes. She did her typical stomping and screaming to get my parent's attention. My dad started shouting up the stairs to tell me I was doing it wrong and causing her to scream (they've been in a 1,2,3 magic course and think they know it all now). I just walked out.

Now I've just received a message to say they've taken her out for the day so won't be in.

Is it me or what? Should I not be able to have a say where dd6 stays or goes? This is my second day off out of three and had plans with her and they've just totally screwed it up. They spent most of my life trying to control me and now they are doing it with my daughter. I'm so annoyed.

Your poor child.

I can't pick up after 8pm as they live 30min drive away from my work and then another 30mins to get home. I would though, but my parents go on and on about how it's too late to be taking her home on a night time (this is even though my dad will let her read at 11:30pm to stop her kicking off).so you could not you don't because you can't be bothered to*

I don't feel I need to change jobs, ina few years she'll be a bit more independent and won't need my parents to be involved as much.
She's 6. In a few years she'll be 9. Are you saying that when she's 9 you're OK with her coming home to an empty house, making her own dinner and putting herself to bed on the nights you get in around 8..30pm?

Custody would be a bit extreme. I still get to see her, just haven't as much as I would have liked recently you're so passive about how little you see your own child

Giving up the financial help from my dad would just be cutting my nose off to spite my face. I would love to not be financially dependent on them and it is a bit embarrassing, but it's not like I'm begging or they can't afford it. and the worst of it is, you're doing it all for a job that pays so poorly you can't even afford to support your child

The aunty comment was unwarranted I reckon. I was only explaining I have a good relationship with my daughter usually., it wasn't. It isn't about you having a good relationship with her, it's the whole I pick her up occasionally, we hang out and have fun, then I take her back vibe to your whole thing

@SleepingStandingUp OP will be making the same confused, kicked puppy face as my Ex when her DD is a teenager and barely speaks to her. Both my DDs have recently said “Well, I can’t bring XYZ up with him, I’d say he’s more like an Uncle than my Dad but actually, I would talk about/call out my Uncles on XYZ”

Poor child? That's half the trouble with kids these days, mollycoddling views leading to kids having no respect and turning into horrible people.

She's a happy child and enjoys spending time with all parties. She understands the situation very well and is ok with it most of the time.

I can be called passive or whatever, it's just being chilled and better than having anger that can be copied and just having quality time with her. She'd probably resent me more for not letting me spend more time with them.

Just because there are a lot of views for one way doesn't make them right. Again she's a very happy child usually, I just get a bit annoyed my parents trying to make decisions for my daughter just because temporarily they've had her a bit more while I adjust to a new setup and sort things out.

Most children need stability, affection and routine go thrive, and a present, loving and engaged parent. That it is not mollycoddling it’s called parenting. As far as I can see the only parenting she receives is from your parents - and they are rightly doing all they can for her.

You’re basically the equivalent of a ‘Disney dad’.

Just because there are a lot of views for one way doesn't make them right.

🤦🏻‍♀️ Why bother posting on here if you don’t want to listen to anything anyone is saying.

your posts about her behaviour don’t scream happy child to me. It screams confused child who doesn’t understand where home is and who is in charge.

OP at what point do you envisage your life changing significantly, so that you can actually be a “mother” to your daughter? Does your job have significant potential to select different hours and earn a lot more than you do now?

Because from where I’m standing, if your job isn’t paying enough for you to afford a car, and support your child, you might be better off doing something else.

It’s ironic you mentioned social workers really - they may as well be in terms of how your daughter is currently affected. It’s a pretty common set up for children to be placed with grandparents when a parent isn’t able or willing to give their child adequate care. Parents then get to visit, maybe spend a weekend with them possibly, but the grandparents remain the main guardians. It’s tough on the child and confusing. Whether or not social workers are involved - you’ve essential created a set up for your child that is usually used in quite extreme neglect/ child protection scenarios. It’s not ideal or adequate by any means, it’s generally a last resort. It’s what some families have to do out of absolute desperation or because they are given no other choice. Seems bonkers to me that you have chosen to put your child in this situation.

I genuinely would see if there's a family worker at school that you can see and just see if some support can be put in place for you/your daughter.

Your not mothering her though are you? If you wanted to you’d reorganise your life whereas you’re going to keep everything the same until she’s grown up enough not to need parenting. That’s not a few years btw. Poor child is right.

That's half the trouble with kids these days, mollycoddling views leading to kids having no respect and turning into horrible people. Haha, hysterical. All these kids with engaged, loving, active and present parents making sacrifices to raise their kids are the ones creating damaged people? , I'd look closer to home love.

She understands the situation very well and is ok with it most of the time it's crazy how kids adapt to show the figure they can't rely on that everything is perfect in order to not scare that person off. If I show Mommy I'm upset, she might not visit again....

She'd probably resent me more for not letting me spend more time with them.

YOUR WOULD BE UPSET IF SHE DIDN'T DEPEND MOST OF HER TIME WITH YOUR PARENTS.

That doesn't make you the mother you think it does.

just because temporarily they've had her a bit more while I adjust to a new setup and sort things out but you've made it clear you have no intention of changing the work situ, and I very much doubt they're going to be on board with your idea that once she's 9 or so she doesn't need looking after anymore so HOW is it temporary??

She understands the situation very well and is ok with it most of the time

Sounds like you’re talking about the Covid pandemic…

The Mollycoddling comment seems to not have been explained or picked up properly. I'm talking about those who turn to crime and have no respect because they have been allowed to do what they like and not taught morals or boundaries.

Yes, ideally she would be with me all the time, but this is the real world.

If I don't do any parenting, who is doing it when she's at mine when there is no one else there?

She is a happy child, she enjoys being taken out to gymnastics, soft play, has lots of toys to play with at all places where she stays and interacts well with all.

What kind of extra support? My parents went for the 1-2-3 magic training which seems to have made minimum difference, although they were already doing a reward chart. It doesn't work great, but better than nothing I suppose.

She's going to be at mine more anyways soon as my parents plan to go out more again which had stopped temporarily due to certain venue changes. I plan to get a more suitable job in the next few months if need be, but things are a lot better now with me being able to view things differently.

It's just a case now of getting her to control her emotions better, understand expectations and consequences.

I'm not 100% sure what responses I was expecting, I just had a moment when I was at my wit's end. There has been some supportive comments which I value a lot. Just by posting has helped me too.

I've calmed down enough to be able to stay over at my parents if she's there and I've been to work late or even if it's just for her to see them and me at the same time. I'm a bit more on guard for if my dad tries to take over ie trying to book appointments for her, I'll just make sure I'll be doing it in my time away from them so they can't interfere.

It sounds nothing like covid. I never really followed any of the rules. It wasn't really workable.

I’m really sorry but she’s a child and isn’t able to control her emotions properly yet. It can be annoying and frustrating. Once you accept that it may make you view her behaviours differently?!? Hopefully.

hopefully you can control your emotions more too as the adult….

Thanks @amyds2104 , yeah I agree. When she has to come away from screen time, I can empathise as I really didn't like it either!

Touch wood I seem to be getting her in a better night time routine more regularly and she's a bit more cooperative when she's less tired.

So things have improved quite a lot over the last couple of weeks and no reason why they can't remain on track.

It seems like you are focusing on getting g her to comply/follow orders instead of realising she's a child with big feelings, a LOT of disruption and a need for love/attention from people who don't seem able to give it fully.

Support worker at school- someone you can check in on and support for your situation. It's not an ideal situation and you could do with some support in parenting well. NOT about making her conply/123 magic but more responsive individual help where someone can say "how did this last 2 weeks go - what thing can you work on this week/how about building up more time with her etc."

Secondly your daughter really really could do with some emotional support at school - for example elsa work gives them a space to share feelings with someone who isn't family. This is probably more important than the first.

You can tell school she currently is dealing with a lot of change and living in 3 houses and thought she could do with some emotional support at school. They should offer that to her. Let her know it's OK to open up and talk about things.

Lots of children have emotional support at school - due to a divorce/ emotional issues/ exam anxiety etc.

'The Mollycoddling comment seems to not have been explained or picked up properly. I'm talking about those who turn to crime and have no respect because they have been allowed to do what they like and not taught morals or boundaries.'

I can't believe you're even thinking of things like this to be honest, where is your head at? So weird.

Your child is being taught consistency by your parents, whereas you are introducing chaos and uncertainty. Which do you think is more conducive to a possible criminal future?

I genuinely feel like you should take a parenting course. The sooner the better.

Thanks @ButterflyBiscuit . She's doing really well at school and even has sessions with the year above as the reading is too basic for her.

Managed to avoid a kick off last night when staying over at the parents. I was thinking it was a bad idea going over but just kept my cool as best I could. She just didn't want to do any of the bedtime routine. She laughs all the way through. It gave my mam a bit of a rest though with me doing bathtime and a bit of bedtime reading and she managed to get her to sleep in the end when I started to get worn out.

She'll not do anything for herself as she knows we will do it for her as we hate her being late for school. It's so embarrassing, although it might be worth doing a few times or may just have to keep doing this.

My mam is persevering with a sticker chart which usually has very limited success. I've tried this and other bribing techniques but have to say at a bit of a loss at the moment. I'm a bit fed up having to be very firm but it's the only thing that really works at mine but doesn't work at their house.🤔

🤦‍♀️. You can be super clever but still struggle emotionally with living in 3 different places and your mum visiting you sometimes. Most people would. And it's okay to ask for extra support - it's all good to support her.

It sounds like when you visit her your focus is on bossing her around and getting her to do things. And you get tired putting her to bed one night? Maybe Focus instead on some quality time with her and let tour parents sort routines etc as they are the main carers. Please ask for family support. You must know your situation is unusual and support is out there. Honestly.

I'm out now but good luck.

You leave parenting to your mum when it gets too tiring(!) thereby confirming your daughter's fear that you will leave if she acts up. She's a tiny child testing boundaries and it's so sad you can't see what she's communicating.

'She's doing really well at school and even has sessions with the year above as the reading is too basic for her.'

This never actually happens in schools. It's something parents say to make their children sound brighter than their peers, but actually doing this would be a huge ballache for a school and kids remain in situ throughout the day. Also why would they do this when they could just use the books that are the next level up?

As I said, I pretty much never actually happens. But cool story, OP.

She's doing really well at school and even has sessions with the year above as the reading is too basic for that doesn't really make sense.

If the reading books are too basic she'd just go up a level. If her teacher can't work out to move her from Green to Blue or level 12 to 13 I'd be worried.

In thematics, geography and science the wording will be similar because its topic based and the themes vary from year to year so if she's going up a year she'll miss out on say learning about castles and then have to do Iron Age twice.

Maths isn't about the language but complexity so assume you don't mean that.

DS's class varies from really needs a space to SN school to clearly going to rndu o in the Grammar (they're 7/8) and the teachers are able to accommodate everyone without foisting them off on another teacher. I'd be having a word personally