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Leaving 5 month old for 5 nights

192 replies

anotheronettc · 10/10/2022 17:02

My husband is going on a work trip, all expenses paid, beautiful hotel in Italy. Lovely restaurants booked each evening and excursions. A place I've always wanted to visit.

I am employed by my husbands work and am invited on the trip as a plus one. Even though I'm on maternity leave looking after my five month old.

My sons grandparents are very involved in his life and have him often. Once overnight and he slept 10+ hours as he notmally does. He's bottle fed as I couldn't breast feed. He's a very calm happy baby.

Anyway.. everyone is saying I should go and make the most of the break to rest - as im suffering from a tilted pelvis and terrible back. However im in turmoil. Do I go or will I just be considered/and be an absolutely terrible mother. It's actually four nights but because of the time of the flight we would have to leave about 3 am so I'm counting it is five minutes. I know that this post will probably bring a lot of negativity my way people saying mean things however please be nice. Being a mother is a challenge and me and my husband haven't had a night together since my son was born so please don't come at me saying I'm a bad mum.

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Quartz2208 · 13/10/2022 10:02

What stands out for me is that if I want to go then I need a thick skin and to trust my decision.

Yep that is all you need to get through parenting! The key is not to make a decision because someone else thinks you should or shouldn't go. Follow your instincts and it will all be fine. And remember the only ones you can make this are you, and you knowing your son! I have had to learn that decisions I make for my DD (Dear Daughter) and those I make for my DS (son) are necessarily the same either.

The cot death comment I think was just from an anxious mum - you do have to let go and trust sometimes

ShirleyPhallus · 13/10/2022 12:23

Re the cot death comment, I think that was absolutely awful, but also everyone makes the best decision available to them given the tools they have. Statistically it lowers the risk to a baby to be EBF, but I haven’t ever seen (rightly) posters berating other people for formula feeding their baby because of the cot death risk factor.

You can only do what’s right for you OP, I do find that MN has a higher than average proportion of sanctimonious perfect mummies with a lot of judgement and a touch of martyrdom thrown in so it’s up to you how much of that you let bother you

anotheronettc · 13/10/2022 14:03

@ShirleyPhallus yes that's very true.

Re breast feeding reducing cot death, I couldn't physically breast feed due to past health issues so not much I can do there!
So many women can't, this breast feeding warrior thing I can't understand it, we're all doing our best, well I hope so anyway x

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sunflowerandivy · 13/10/2022 14:54

No way. 5 nights is such a long time in a 5 month olds life. Obviously you know he will be cared for etc but 5 nights is really long. Maybe you could go for 2/3 nights ?

anotheronettc · 13/10/2022 17:18

@sunflowerandivy I wouldn't say that a 5 month old actually has any concept of time. They'd just know somethings different.

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PoTayToes80 · 13/10/2022 17:45

@anotheronettc

If you go up absolutely will miss him, there might be some teary moments and you might feel very strange without him - none of that means you shouldn’t go!

I’ve only been away 2 nights and I felt all those things, but it was really great for me to get away. 5 nights might feel like a long time away from him, but it will probably also do you a world of good at the same time. Missing him isn’t a bad thing! And really all he needs is to be with people he knows, who will love him and care for him well in your absence. x

I can understand why many people wouldn’t leave their baby with GPs that long - I wouldn’t with my partner’s parents, but I would with my parents. Yes it would be hard work for them, but they’ve raised their own kids, they’re healthy, they adore him, and (bonus) they’re retired medical professionals. And as a very occasional event, I wouldn’t think it too much to ask of them - although I would be very very grateful and absolutely not expect it of them!

However I don’t understand people who say they haven’t had any nights away when their kids are 2, 3, 4, 5! Once they’re not EBF (assuming you have an appropriate person to leave them with recognising not everyone does and there are no particular additional needs) I think it’s healthy for the parents, and good for the kids to form secure attachments with people who aren’t mum and dad. Not so much a judgment as bafflement! But horses for courses I guess.

PoTayToes80 · 13/10/2022 17:51

@anotheronettc

Ps I haven’t seen this mentioned, might have missed some pages, but if they can stay in your house with him rather than him going to them, that might help him with your absence

sunflowerandivy · 13/10/2022 18:02

anotheronettc · 13/10/2022 17:18

@sunflowerandivy I wouldn't say that a 5 month old actually has any concept of time. They'd just know somethings different.

Well if that's how you feel then crack on.

Helpmyreno · 13/10/2022 19:36

@PoTayToes80 You're in such a position of privilege with grandparents or family members you can call on to help. It's a luxury that many people simply do not have. There are countless threads on here about this. I know you say you recognise that some people don't have this, but truly have you ever been in a position where you have no-one to turn to for childcare let alone a night away. I doubt it has ever crossed your mind. Baffling huh?

Hulahulahulahoop · 13/10/2022 21:12

anotheronettc · 13/10/2022 17:18

@sunflowerandivy I wouldn't say that a 5 month old actually has any concept of time. They'd just know somethings different.

@anotheronettc

No, a 5 month old won’t be able to literally count days but that doesn’t mean they don’t have an understanding of time. 5 days is a fair chunk of their whole time on earth so far; it’s long for them.

You’re hung up on the comment about excursions helping your back; tbh that was a bit pass agg but the vast majority of the other comments in disagreement have been polite, for which we have been attacked. I’m apparently a martyr mum straight out the 50s cos I said a mum’s relationship with a 5 month old is different than a dad’s and that I wouldn’t want to be apart from a baby so young for such an extended period of time. Babies are capable of one primary attachment figure at that age; almost always the mum. It’s different for them to be separated from a primary attachment figure than a secondary. I didn’t say mums and dads should have different responsibilities in parenting, just that being a mother (particularly to a young baby) is different than being a father. I even said that surprised me and was not what I had thought prior to becoming a mother; but hey, worthy of attack. Thanks, @catell01!

You’re going; you always wanted to go, and you are dismissing all comments to the contrary as either just wrong (as above) or ‘baffling’; pretty passive aggressive yourself. I haven’t left my 22 month old for a night yet as he still breastfeeds to sleep and is super attached to me at night; if I’m out of an evening he will literally stay awake til I get in (10.30 and counting) and cannot / will not sleep without me home. Maybe that’s not ‘healthy’ but tbh not much I can do about it; I am also parenting the child I have and doing my best, so wind your neck in commenting on my decisions too. My DH is part of bedtime every night, I do stay out late seeing friends etc; DS for whatever reason just cannot sleep without me there. It would be a hell of a lot easier if he could; what a dream to just be able to drop at GPs and run. But I can’t, cos it upsets my son enormously if I’m not there at night and however late I’m out, he won’t sleep. My child is in childcare 4 days a week, has a super engaged and involved dad he loves and a grandma he adores and spends regular full days with. Daytimes are fine. I’m not possessive and clinging onto him and somehow denying him the chance to form healthy relationships and be away from me, as you and others imply. He just seems to need me, and only me, at night. If your 5 month old doesn’t, then amazing; crack on.

But own it: I do not for a moment think you will come back early; it is 5 nights not the 4 you’ve recently changed to (I think you said it’s leaving at 3am or something one night?) and if you are planning on restaurant trips, excursions (your own word!), and networking events then you are not going in order to rest a very painful back. That’s fine! Absolutely go and enjoy. But what has rankled posters I think is not owning your decision and your reasons for going and pretending to be conflicted; you didn’t really want opinions on whether you should go, you wanted encouragement to go. I’d have been happy to give you that, but as it is I answered the question you posed and have had my own parenting sideways-criticised in the process while you encourage posters who support you and throw shade at those of us who politely shared a differing opinion. It’s pretty unpleasant to be judgemental, very pass-agg and judgy yourselves about how we’re all ‘martyr mums’ and how it’s weird we haven’t left our older kids while simultaneously moaning about how whatever you do will be judged and aren’t women awful to each other.

But hey, you do you, and I do genuinely hope you and your husband have a lovely time away, and that your little one has a lovely time with his GPs. But I didn’t ask you what you thought of me not having been away from my 22 month old for a night yet; you did ask me what I thought about you leaving your 5 month old for 5.

Hulahulahulahoop · 13/10/2022 21:17

Also what is it with all the ‘he’ll be fed and warm, go and enjoy’ comments?! Some posters did at least throw in loved, which is what I’d actually be hoping and expecting for anywhere I was leaving such a tiny baby. Not just ‘fed and warm’.

ShirleyPhallus · 13/10/2022 21:23

Hulahulahulahoop · 13/10/2022 21:17

Also what is it with all the ‘he’ll be fed and warm, go and enjoy’ comments?! Some posters did at least throw in loved, which is what I’d actually be hoping and expecting for anywhere I was leaving such a tiny baby. Not just ‘fed and warm’.

Does a 5 month old have any sense of “love”? Presumably if you meet its needs through basic stuff like feeding it and keeping it warm through cuddles and being cosy it will be happy enough

Tomorrowisalatterday · 13/10/2022 21:26

Hulahulahulahoop · 13/10/2022 21:12

@anotheronettc

No, a 5 month old won’t be able to literally count days but that doesn’t mean they don’t have an understanding of time. 5 days is a fair chunk of their whole time on earth so far; it’s long for them.

You’re hung up on the comment about excursions helping your back; tbh that was a bit pass agg but the vast majority of the other comments in disagreement have been polite, for which we have been attacked. I’m apparently a martyr mum straight out the 50s cos I said a mum’s relationship with a 5 month old is different than a dad’s and that I wouldn’t want to be apart from a baby so young for such an extended period of time. Babies are capable of one primary attachment figure at that age; almost always the mum. It’s different for them to be separated from a primary attachment figure than a secondary. I didn’t say mums and dads should have different responsibilities in parenting, just that being a mother (particularly to a young baby) is different than being a father. I even said that surprised me and was not what I had thought prior to becoming a mother; but hey, worthy of attack. Thanks, @catell01!

You’re going; you always wanted to go, and you are dismissing all comments to the contrary as either just wrong (as above) or ‘baffling’; pretty passive aggressive yourself. I haven’t left my 22 month old for a night yet as he still breastfeeds to sleep and is super attached to me at night; if I’m out of an evening he will literally stay awake til I get in (10.30 and counting) and cannot / will not sleep without me home. Maybe that’s not ‘healthy’ but tbh not much I can do about it; I am also parenting the child I have and doing my best, so wind your neck in commenting on my decisions too. My DH is part of bedtime every night, I do stay out late seeing friends etc; DS for whatever reason just cannot sleep without me there. It would be a hell of a lot easier if he could; what a dream to just be able to drop at GPs and run. But I can’t, cos it upsets my son enormously if I’m not there at night and however late I’m out, he won’t sleep. My child is in childcare 4 days a week, has a super engaged and involved dad he loves and a grandma he adores and spends regular full days with. Daytimes are fine. I’m not possessive and clinging onto him and somehow denying him the chance to form healthy relationships and be away from me, as you and others imply. He just seems to need me, and only me, at night. If your 5 month old doesn’t, then amazing; crack on.

But own it: I do not for a moment think you will come back early; it is 5 nights not the 4 you’ve recently changed to (I think you said it’s leaving at 3am or something one night?) and if you are planning on restaurant trips, excursions (your own word!), and networking events then you are not going in order to rest a very painful back. That’s fine! Absolutely go and enjoy. But what has rankled posters I think is not owning your decision and your reasons for going and pretending to be conflicted; you didn’t really want opinions on whether you should go, you wanted encouragement to go. I’d have been happy to give you that, but as it is I answered the question you posed and have had my own parenting sideways-criticised in the process while you encourage posters who support you and throw shade at those of us who politely shared a differing opinion. It’s pretty unpleasant to be judgemental, very pass-agg and judgy yourselves about how we’re all ‘martyr mums’ and how it’s weird we haven’t left our older kids while simultaneously moaning about how whatever you do will be judged and aren’t women awful to each other.

But hey, you do you, and I do genuinely hope you and your husband have a lovely time away, and that your little one has a lovely time with his GPs. But I didn’t ask you what you thought of me not having been away from my 22 month old for a night yet; you did ask me what I thought about you leaving your 5 month old for 5.

Totally agree.

Julia234 · 13/10/2022 21:28

It would be lovely for you and your husband and I’m sure grandparents would look after your baby very well but it’s not a great thing to do do leave a 5 month old for 5 days if it can be avoided.

FTMFML · 13/10/2022 21:30

GO!!!

Julia234 · 13/10/2022 21:32

*to

Helpmyreno · 13/10/2022 21:40

@Hulahulahulahoop absolutely spot on.

anotheronettc · 13/10/2022 22:24

@Tomorrowisalatterday I don't care if you've never left your child, doesn't make you a bad mum etc, each child and situation is different. Couldn't give a rats arse.

Let's just clarify.
Firstly. Yes, I want to go, that was always clear. It's an amazing free trip to a place I've always wanted to see, which I stated. I made this feed as I am conflicted about whether I should go, whether you choose to believe that is on you and to be honest I don't care.

I've actually planned out a timetable of flight and train back to my city 2 nights early. But you don't believe that, again.. don't really care.

Secondly. I can pick and choose what I do on this trip. I can sleep in. I can swim. I can use the spa. I'll eat in the evenings (sorry if that offends you). But I'll get a chance to rest.

Thirdly. I have responded to people who have said go and to people saying that they wouldn't go because of XYZ - thanking them.

So.. that's all I have to say to you. If this is so hard to understand, you've said your piece on what you think I should, I have no further interest in convincing you of what I know to be true..so I do hope you're soon able to find another mum on here to berate and make feel like crap 👍

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anotheronettc · 13/10/2022 22:28

@Julia234 thank you and yes currently I'm planning on flying back after two or three nights as there are regular return flights but my husband will stay. Grandparents think I'm ridiculous though lol x

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Hairymaery · 13/10/2022 22:31

GeorgiePorge · 10/10/2022 20:23

You are right with the double standards OP... no one would bat an eye lid at the father being away for that length of time and age.

If you feel you can go and enjoy it then do. If you are leaving your baby where they will be safe and loved then I don't see why its anyone else's business.

Because a father doesn't have the same attachment to a baby as its mother (sorry)

anotheronettc · 13/10/2022 22:37

Exiting this feed now. There are some very toxic people on mums Net. Thanks to those kind people who have given me useful, constructive, well considered advice as to why I should or shouldn't go, or to reduce the time away etc. You've helped me reach a decision that I feel comfortable with.
Take care. Be kind!

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Hairymaery · 13/10/2022 22:39

See ya 👋 its not toxic to have an opinion.. which you asked for!

Scrambledchickens · 13/10/2022 22:49

Go go go, he has loving grandparents who will happily look after him. Go relax and have fun.

PoTayToes80 · 13/10/2022 23:14

Actually I don’t have this. My parents live in another country. This is why I specifically said assuming you had someone suitable to leave them with.

If parents lived in the same country I would leave my son with them in a heart beat.

lolly07766 · 13/10/2022 23:38

If you have the opportunity to go, and you want to go, then absolutely go!
Your baby will be fine, have a wonderful time and enjoy the time away in a beautiful city 😊

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