Leaving 5 month old for 5 nights

[anotheronettc]

My husband is going on a work trip, all expenses paid, beautiful hotel in Italy. Lovely restaurants booked each evening and excursions. A place I've always wanted to visit.

I am employed by my husbands work and am invited on the trip as a plus one. Even though I'm on maternity leave looking after my five month old.

My sons grandparents are very involved in his life and have him often. Once overnight and he slept 10+ hours as he notmally does. He's bottle fed as I couldn't breast feed. He's a very calm happy baby.

Anyway.. everyone is saying I should go and make the most of the break to rest - as im suffering from a tilted pelvis and terrible back. However im in turmoil. Do I go or will I just be considered/and be an absolutely terrible mother. It's actually four nights but because of the time of the flight we would have to leave about 3 am so I'm counting it is five minutes. I know that this post will probably bring a lot of negativity my way people saying mean things however please be nice. Being a mother is a challenge and me and my husband haven't had a night together since my son was born so please don't come at me saying I'm a bad mum.

No one is.

Ultimately it is down to the OP and her wider family. But I do think five nights is a fair stretch. People who say they wouldn’t have been accused of being passive aggressive, but how else can you say it?

I do think it would be a bit unsettling for a child this young to be away from his parents for this long. I think it would probably be worse to do it when he’s a bit older, perversely, but it doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.

I went away for 5 nights with work when my middle child was 5 months old. I was still EBF so it involved a lot of preparation and planning, with highlights including pumping milk in an outside toilet in a remote part of China in the middle of winter. I left him (and his 2 year old brother) with their dad who was more than capable.

The house was a mess when I got home, DH looked exhausted but both the kids seemed totally oblivious to the fact that I had been gone and certainly have no memory of it now!

@catell01 the only person coming off as aggressive passive or otherwise on this thread is you. OP has had plenty of support and very little criticism but has asked for opinions and that’s what she’s got. You harassing people who are suggesting things she may not have thought about or indeed harassing people who ultimately share your views is bizarre. Wind your neck in.

I think it's too much to ask of the grandparents to be honest. I know they have agreed but it's very obvious how much you want to go so I think they may have felt a bit guilted into it.

Babies sleep can change so quickly - he might go through a regression and keep them up for hours every night. Babies can also have sudden illnesses - my first ended up in hospital on oxygen at around this age with bronchiolitis a couple of times, once he deteriorated literally within a day from a little cough to hospital admission. I just don't think it's reasonable to ask grandparents to take responsibility.

If I had willing grandparents, I would have happily done a night or two but not 5 and not overseas.

Looks like you only want the opinions that support yours then OP. My own view (if I can think of a way to state this as neutrally as possible) is that your baby is still tiny and needs you. You have had an entire life to visit Italy and you will have other periods in your life to go… it will still be there. This period is about your baby regardless of whether the baby remembers you leaving or you have loving grandparents who can help.

I’d go, we’re doing similar in January, as we’ve been given quite a bit of notice we’re starting the odd overnight stay now with the person who will be having our two, so we can then build
up to two nights. Ours are going to be staying here and their uncle will come to our flat, a familiar place to them, but also easier as it has all their stuff etc.

The first trial night is Friday, I would say I can’t wait to have a fullnights sleep and a lay in, but we know that won’t happen!

Again, thank you for your comments, it means a lot. just to add, there is no problem with saying that you don't think I should go, the problem is when there are comments suggesting I'm 'swanning off, and 'going to restaurants will be good for your back' - like come on, how old are we? There are clearly some people here who want to get a dig in at me when I've clearly stated that I'm struggling with the decision.

And for the person who just assumed that the grandparents have been guilted into doing it - that couldn't be further from the truth, in fact they are the ones who are telling me that I would be absolutely ridiculous not to go. They work for the business as well. They are beyond excited to have my son. They'll be gutted if I don't go. So please don't make assumptions.

Also I agree with what others have said that some mums have this weird martyrdom about never getting a break - that's no me - I think it's healthy to let your child be with others and he has already done a night away and had regular days with his granny. I think it's more unhealthy to have never let your child stay with anyone else after many years.

I still haven't made my mind up, I was set on going and flying home early but comments suggesting I'm swanning off etc have been running through my mind all night,

Anyway thank you for all your thoughts though. This has been lovely but also sad to see how mean some other mums can be when they know how hard motherhood can be.

Oh come on, you have made your mind up and you had from the start.

I'm on maternity leave at the moment but I have a course that needs doing before I return so I'm using my KIT days to do it. So next week my 18 month old and 5 month old will be going to their grandparents for 4 nights while I go on my course. They will be spoilt rotten for 4 nights and I will get 4 nights decent sleep and 4 days of conversation that doesn't involve nappies, puke and Peppa blooming pig.
Even if it wasn't work but a short break I would be comfortable leaving them. They spend a decent amount of time with my parents, they stay there overnight and I trust my parents to look after them. Some people wouldn't do it and that's fine. You do what works for you and your family.

@Tomorrowisalatterday again with the assumptions.

I've been up all most of the night feeling sick about this. When I look at my son I feel an intense wave of sadness at the thought of leaving him. One minute I'm firmly for not going and the next I think a rest will be good for me. So no, my mind has never been made up - do you really think I'd have gone to the trouble of creating a post on here If it was - opening myself up so horrible people like you?
Be kind.

If you do/don't think I should go then offer some constructive useful point.

@milawops thanks, will you be going far away for this trip? I'm terrified I'll get there and miss him desperately and be a mess. Are you?

It sounds like a great opportunity and your son sounds like he will fine with the grandparents and it's up to you and how you feel about it not anyone else and if nows a good time you should go as you may regret it as the opportunity may not arise again and also your son could be different by then and would be more aware/needy and be difficult for you to leave him.
On a side note defiantly get referred to a physio through your GP or see a private chiro , physio or a PT who specialises in post natal for your pelvis/back it makes a huge difference and from experience the longer left the worst it gets.
Have a great time away and enjoy it you deserve a break and as someone said your son won't even remember it at this age do make the most of it!

@catell01 geez keep your hair on love!

You literally asked , "Please educate us more on how motherhood and fatherhood is so wildly different where you are."

So I replied to your quesion. I didn't realise you wanted a private conversation with the poster "from the 1950s". Would you like me to educate you ok how to use PMs also?

@Pinkychilla thank you my love and yes I'm seeing a physio and osteopath once a week - doing Pilates etc but I don't get long enough to rest from lifting etc to let it recover but I feel it's ever so slowly improving so I'm feeling hopeful - it's been bloody rough though!

This is what I posted earlier. I don't think it was mean!

You asked for opinions. Mine is that it is an unreasonable thing to ask of grandparents even if they say they are happy. I explained why - sleep and potential health issues can arise quickly. I am not a martyr, I think a night or two not a flight away would be different.

But you obviously don't want any opinions that aren't "you deserve it hun"

I couldn't leave mine for one night and they are one and 2.5 but that certainly doesn't mean you shouldn't. Everyone's different x

I'll be about 400 miles away, same country though. I will miss them both. I've done it a few times with the eldest before I had the youngest so I know what to expect. To be honest the worst bit is leaving and saying goodbye while they are playing with nanny and clearly don't care whether I'm there or not. Treacherous little sods 😂
I think if you know you can come back early if you find it too hard it will probably make it easier because you won't feel like you're stuck away from them and there's nothing you can do about it.

@Tomorrowisalatterday you're missing the point. Your first comment could have been a useful but once you'd made the assumption that I'd guilted his grandparents into babysitting i realised that I shouldn't take advice from you. As I said they are the ones pushing me to go and I'm actually nervous to tell them that I might not.

I haven't replied negatively to anyone who has said that they don't think I should go - other than people who are just taking the opportunity to get a dig in,

You don't think I should go for 5 nights because of potential sleep regression etc - I take that point and yes I am considering that in my decision.

But your assumptions, including that I've already made my mind up are WRONG. So just think a little bit more with your replies maybe at how you might be coming off.

@milawops thank you. Tbh I don't think I'd last the whole 5 days so flying home early as an option is good, still then I'd have to get back home alone as my husband wouldn't leave early. So train back to my home city etc which will be expensive but at least it's an option.

Read my post. I said "the grandparents MAY have felt guilted", not that they definitely did.

GO and enjoy every minute! He won't even know you're not around at that age!

@anotheronettc I think it's good to know it's an option even though not ideal. It will help you relax to know you can come back earlier if you are struggling. Personally I'd go enjoy the wine and decent sleep and having a bit of time as a couple. Yes you're parents but when my eldest was first born we had a rough time because we completely forgot that we are also a couple. In fact we broke up for a while because we completely lost each other. You need to remember who you are outside of being mum and dad. Some people would say that's selfish but I firmly believe my kids benefit from having 2 parents who are connected to each other as adults not just parents.

Do it. When I had my PFB I only got 12 weeks maternity leave. I was back at work when she was 8 weeks old. When she was 12 weeks old I was on a work trip to Moscow. DD1 was perfectly fine with the nanny and DH. My job involved a lot of travel - there was no way I could have said oooh no, I can’t do x and y because of my baby. And to be brutally honest, I enjoyed a solid night’s sleep in a lovely hotel room with no interruptions. I came back fresher, more relaxed and happier. Not sure DH would have said the same, but he just cracked on with it.

You sound quite chilled, and this is a great opportunity. There will be people who you know and on here that would never leave their child and that's up to them.
Grandparents are not always decrepit put open idiots but can be normal healthy people who have raised a family , adore their DGC and will cope just fine.
I went on a similar trip when my daughter was 6 months , it was husbands works trip to New York which had been planned from before I was pregnant. It was amazing, got to have experiences I never would have done on my own . The hard bit was the flight out there, but that was more of a bit of pining. Once we were there and we'd called up to check all fine I relaxed into it.
It will not make you a bad mother and anyone who thinks so is batshit. My DC is nearly 18 now, this parenting lark is a long haul , a few days will not affect them in the slightest

I think go for a couple of nights - you get to experience the trip, catch up with folk and have a break but not be too long away from your baby.