Leaving 5 month old for 5 nights

[anotheronettc]

My husband is going on a work trip, all expenses paid, beautiful hotel in Italy. Lovely restaurants booked each evening and excursions. A place I've always wanted to visit.

I am employed by my husbands work and am invited on the trip as a plus one. Even though I'm on maternity leave looking after my five month old.

My sons grandparents are very involved in his life and have him often. Once overnight and he slept 10+ hours as he notmally does. He's bottle fed as I couldn't breast feed. He's a very calm happy baby.

Anyway.. everyone is saying I should go and make the most of the break to rest - as im suffering from a tilted pelvis and terrible back. However im in turmoil. Do I go or will I just be considered/and be an absolutely terrible mother. It's actually four nights but because of the time of the flight we would have to leave about 3 am so I'm counting it is five minutes. I know that this post will probably bring a lot of negativity my way people saying mean things however please be nice. Being a mother is a challenge and me and my husband haven't had a night together since my son was born so please don't come at me saying I'm a bad mum.

Yay!! have the best time

i was separated from my dds dad from birth and at 6 months he started having access 1 over night a week. 6pm-7am I think 5 nights is excessive. 5 months is before weaning and actually 4 months I still classed dd as new born. My dds now nearly 4 and the longest I’ve been apart from her was 4 nights this summer just gone. I do think 5 nights at 5months, with all the hours in the day apart, crying at nights, wondering where mummy is
:( I personally couldn’t do it. I did breast feed so to be fair my experience will be different as at 5 months I still was, I stopped at 6 but they’re still a little baby :/

Also one of my largest worries was still cot death at that age. 5 months is before they’re recommended to even be in a separate room, and you want 5 nights away…..:(

You say you wonder if others will judge. Yes, many will - many will think maternity leave is for looking after the baby (as I do). But it’s a personal thing , I wouldn’t see being away with colleagues as appealing enough to outweigh the worries but it sounds like you have different working dynamic than me. I think you will need to be thick skinned about any comments otherwise you’re spoil it for yourself. Enjoy but make sure you rest , sounds like it has the potential to be exhausting

@anotheronettc have a wonderful time

You can be an individual as well as a mum. You don't need to spend 24/7 with your baby. It's actually healthy that your baby has such good bonds with other adults. It will also make the whole transition to nursery easier, when you go back to work.

@Breastfeedingworries OP has already made her decision. Why on earth would you say such a truly horrible thing. The baby is staying with her parents, not being left with the neighbours kid.

Jeezo I know it's an anonymous Internet forum but how utterly vile.

(Mother of a child who died of cot death here. And let me tell you. It has NOTHING a to do with a Mum not being there personally.

YOU are a disgrace

Seriously? What a truly nasty person you are. I always think people can't shock and disgurst me anymore, but up you pop.

OP have the best time. So happy you decided to go. Come back and let us know what an absolute fabulous time you had, all the gorgeous meals you ate, all the wonderful spa treatments you got. We'll all be well jel! take care x

What a revolting post. Cot death is never, ever the fault of the parent.

Enjoy OP. I'm sure your little one will have a fab time with the grand parents! Baby will be loved, well cared for and won't even remember you left then after you've been back 10 minutes.

If he’s used to being looked after by GPS there’s no reason not to. Maybe just do a couple more overnights (even 2 nights) so you both get even more used to it.

.. oh and the other thing is I’d give yourself some goals when you are out there - both what you want to achieve for work and relaxation. It will help settle you in.

It’s very unlikely you will want to come back early - you’ll have a great time, it will be good for your marriage (which is of benefit to your son), meanwhile your son will be building a great relationship with GPS.

@Breastfeedingworries

Get some therapy. Don’t pass on your unhappiness to other women.

my experience of going away without DD twice has gone like this both times:

• commit to trip
• worry constantly in the run up to trip about leaving her
• dread trip and consider cancelling
• leave for trip
• on trip: DD immediately at the back of my mind, great couple time for me and DP, really enjoyed ourselves
• loved getting back to DD

The longest we've done is 2 nights, once when she was a year and once at 18 months. Both times it was so good for me and DP to have time alone to reconnect. GPs loved having her and we got photos constantly of all the lovely things she was doing which really helped. There's that saying "it takes a village" which i think modern society is becoming more distant from but certainly still makes sense. 5 nights tbh does sound like quite a long time and i wonder if you'll miss him a lot/worry a lot in the run up to the trip as it is quite a big commitment. Maybe 3 as PP suggested is a good compromise.

In your circumstances I would go. Everyone is different, not everyone has family who could take care of an infant, many women breastfeed which makes leaving them very tricky, so you'll get negative comments probably, trust your instinct on what is right for you

Thank you @MumChats this is helpful, I'm glad to hear you enjoyed that trips. I wouldn't be apprehensive at all if it was just two nights but yes 4 is a little bit different. I've looked at early flights and I know there are flights back every day so I think I'll go and if I struggle, I'll come home - that's taken the pressure off:)

@catell01 @beachcitygirl thank you ladies and I'm really for your loss @beachcitygirl I can't imagine how painful that must have been.

I agree. And not passive aggressive, just a different opinion.

Your posts are ridiculous! Unless you know the OP personally how can you possibly say she is a fantastic mother?!
People having different opinions doesn't make them bitter. That is a lazy unintelligent argument.

I agree @dontsweatthesmallstufff

Calling people bitterly jealous martyr mums because when invited to give their opinion, they do so, but their opinions are different to yours, is so needlessly aggressive.

People who can’t have a sensible discussion, who leap to personal attacks rather than argue for their opinion in a rational way, are poisonous. They poison the discourse on social media and that leaches into people’s lives.

They’re like thousands of bargain basement Donald Trumps chipping away at what we used to accept as a civilised way to talk to others. Now it’s all bullying and ridiculing and flinging out insults because that’s all you’ve got in your intellectual armoury.

Which all has absolutely nothing to do with your dilemma, OP, and I apologise for ranting on your thread, but your thread really has been an absolute showcase for how the sensible posters with their well-thought out, well-expressed opinions, keep plugging away trying to stay sensible and calm whilst under bombardment.

This all started because of this comment

You seem more preoccupied with what people might think rather than the fact you're leaving your 5month old baby for 5nights. If you feel you will enjoy yourself & your grandparents are up for looking after him then go for it. I personally couldn't leave a 5mo old for that long.
I'm sure lots of excursions and lovely restaurants will give your back and pelvis the rest it needs too. Enjoy.

If you can't spot the passive aggressive nature of this comment particularly towards the end then that is a little confusing. I think that is where the 'Martyr mum' Thing began along with the fact that there are some women who haven't left their children once in two years and making comments about cot death etc.

I think there is potentially a divide between mums, there are some who will think it's the worst thing imaginable to leave there five months maybe even for one night, and there are some mums he wouldn't even contemplate leaving their children at two years old. Then there are other mums who think that that is equally as unimaginable and bad for the child.

There's no hate. Not sure what trump has to do with it. There is no one rule for motherhood. And I have appreciated peoples thoughts and comments the only thing I don't appreciate is personal digs at me

On a lighter note, I've been trying to figure out what OP and DD etc stand for 😅

I think there is potentially a divide between mums

@anotheronettc trust me there is a divide (or multiple divides) on pretty much every parenting decision you can think off from feeding/leaving a baby/potty training when younger through screen time/TV/too much sugar as a toddler to size of primary school/activities/when to get a phone/sleepovers as they get older

Every choice you make will get judgment from somewhere - that is parenting in a nutshell. You just have to follow what is right for you, your child and your family. And there will be moments you get it wrong and moments of guilt that is normal.

You asked

I just be considered/and be an absolutely terrible mother

And the truth is yes you probably will but you often are if you stay. You simply cannot win on that front. Just follow your instincts.

The only thing to remember is you have to parent the child you have, not the one you want or the one someone else has. Yours. And that will mean making different decisions.

@Quartz2208 thanks and you're right no one else knows my baby or situation.

I do kind of regret making this post as it's opened me up to thoughts that I now can't get rid, like the cot death comment. But that is what you open yourself up to on here and you're right, I asked.

I am glad to read experiences from mothers who have gone away and how they found it though and it's been interesting to see different viewpoints.

What stands out for me is that if I want to go then I need a thick skin and to trust my decision.