Leaving 5 month old for 5 nights

[anotheronettc]

My husband is going on a work trip, all expenses paid, beautiful hotel in Italy. Lovely restaurants booked each evening and excursions. A place I've always wanted to visit.

I am employed by my husbands work and am invited on the trip as a plus one. Even though I'm on maternity leave looking after my five month old.

My sons grandparents are very involved in his life and have him often. Once overnight and he slept 10+ hours as he notmally does. He's bottle fed as I couldn't breast feed. He's a very calm happy baby.

Anyway.. everyone is saying I should go and make the most of the break to rest - as im suffering from a tilted pelvis and terrible back. However im in turmoil. Do I go or will I just be considered/and be an absolutely terrible mother. It's actually four nights but because of the time of the flight we would have to leave about 3 am so I'm counting it is five minutes. I know that this post will probably bring a lot of negativity my way people saying mean things however please be nice. Being a mother is a challenge and me and my husband haven't had a night together since my son was born so please don't come at me saying I'm a bad mum.

pretend for a minute no one will know either way. Do you want to go? If you could go with 0 judgement? If the answer is yes then definitely go. Don’t let other people hold you back!

im a new mum of a 7 month old. I have a night a month baby free whilst she’s with grandparents. The only ones who say to me ‘I couldn’t do it’ are the ones who have no one trusted to have their kids over night anyway so they couldn’t actually do it regardless!

im with baby 24/7 so that 1 night a month is lovely for me and DP! We’ve been to weddings, cinema, bowling with friends, drinks on the town and a night in with a takeaway, film and a bubble bath with new pyjamas. Bliss!

enjoy x

Please listen to this very sensible post OP.

Will some people think you are a terrible mother? Yes.
Will some people think it sounds like a wonderful opportunity and you would be crazy not to go? Yes.
Do their opinions matter? No.
What do YOU think? The only other people's opinions I would really consider are your DH's and the GP's who will be caring for your baby if you go. Are you and they all happy with and confident about the arrangements? And do you think you'd enjoy it and benefit from it or not? Those are the main issues really - I've taken it as read that the GPs are safe and suitable people to care for baby.
There are other considerations as well as baby's care though. I'd also consider what you'll actually be doing on the trip. Is it really going to be relaxing or is it a way for your employers to get some work out of you on the sly? And if you're really not going to be working will it be fun, or boring whilst everyone else is working? If the trip is intended to reinvigorate and relax you, just be as sure as you can that it actually will. If you spend the whole time stressed, it probably isn't worth it.

Wow thank you for all the replies. I can't thank all the helpful people individually as there have been so many kind words.

Just to clarify. I'm not expected to be at any meetings although I can attend if I want. I'm basically invited to enjoy the trip, meet other people in the industry etc. My husband will be in all the meetings. But it's definitely not a trip where a baby would come along. I can basically pick and choose what I do there (if I'm too tired I won't attend an event etc), there is also a spa at the hotel so if I went I'd be using the pool and hopefully getting some massage to help me back. I know this is first world problems - the fact I can do this and have GPs who are so great is very lucky.
Still - mum guilt is real and even though if I had a friend in this position I'd tell her to go - it's different when it's your own beautiful baby!!

I think my plan after reading all this - is to go - with the knowledge that I can easily fly hike after 2/3 days if I want to.
still feel a bit sick about it though!
Crazy that my husband is completely chill and fine with going - why are we so different!

Fly home*

@catell01 thank you for spotting another subtle dig hahha. Your comments have made me laugh x

Sorry, no, couldn't have done this at 5 months. Not being pass-aggressive. You have asked for opinions and mine is that stuff like this is for before the baby arrives or when child is a lot older. Or take the baby with you?

if the grandparents are capable and can be trusted why not go. A man wouldn’t even question it. It will do wonders for your marriage. I never had the opportunity but looking back I would have jumped at the chance. Is mums can be pretty good martyrs at times. Your baby will be fine. he is loved will be fed and kept warm.

5 months is way too young to leave for such a long time, imo. However, we are all different. And if you could relax whilst making bread and eating in fancy restaurants, and it will truly recharge your batteries, go for it. Nobody else on here knows your relationship with your baby.

I can't imagine leaving mine. Maybe he would be fine, maybe he wouldn't be. And that latter part would put me off. Maternity leave is your opportunity to spend time with your baby, not swan off on a work trip. There is plenty of time for that in the future. But I know plenty of people do leave their babies at that age and they survive it, only you know if it will be beneficial to you.

100% go - my DH and I left my DD at almost exactly that age for a week for my BF’s wedding in the US. And I was BFing (I made sure she was happy on a bottle before I went obviously), pumped while away to keep up the supply, and on return we continued breastfeeding for another 6 months! She was totally fine and chilled, pleased to see me when I got back but not super excited. I think their conception of time at that age is pretty vague, and she was with her grandparents who she adores. And I was just grateful for the sleep, and the opportunity to be me again for a bit. Ignore the judgement 🙄

OP, last word from me before I retire and scream into my pillow at all the bitterly jealous martyr mums our there: your last post on here says you've made your mind up to go so please, please, turn off notifications for this post or delete it altogether. Be happy and content with your decision and turn your mind to what outfits to take, getting your nails done, booking a hair appt so you can 'swan' off in style. Don't carry on reading posts of the like by

@Undertheoldlindentree @Blackmetalmama

Don't let anyone on here put doubts in your mind or make you feel even more guilty than you already do. You're a fantastic mum and don't let anyone tell you any different. Enjoy Italy, enjoy your spa, lovely dinners and cocktails and whatever events you decide to attend and let your husband deal with all the ones you don't. Don't forget to bring the GP's a lovely thank you gift though! ✈🍕🍹😌😎

No way would I have wanted to do anything of the kind when my baby was so young, never mind been able to. Nor now at nearly 2 tbh. But it sounds like you just wanted encouragement to go (‘for 2 or 3 nights’ 🙄) which you’ve got, so that’s good! And motherhood is wildly different form fatherhood, that’s why it’s different for your husband (though my DP also wouldn’t have gone away for 5 nights that young, he’d definitely be closer to considering it than me though). I would never have thought so before becoming a mother but it’s true, I think.

I did these trips with my husband and babies by bringing the nanny along. Do not do what I did and I highly recommend taking the grandparents up in their offer. It’s important you are there for your husband on these trips. It does make a big difference to show support and if you are wanting to push your career once you return to work, this is a good time to relax and plot your return.

Wow, someone actually from the 1950s joining us on MN. How exciting. Please educate us more on how motherhood and fatherhood is so wildly different where you are. And your husband sounds like an absolute Saint and a very special employee to be in a position to risk losing his job by refusing to attend business trips - whoever will be the breadwinner when he gets let go for not trusting his devoted wife to look after his DC while he's away for 5 whole days??

Sorry, I promised I'd shut up but ffs

Go and enjoy!!! You deserve a break!

I wouldn't hesitate. He's happy with his grands and he'll be asleep most of the time you are away.

It's healthy for him to adapt to your occasional absence. Five days will fly by and your marriage will be the better for it.

@catell01 I'm actually on your side regarding the OP's trip (she should go). But your sarcasm is misplaced. The mum and dad roles here are wildly different. Mum is primary carer during mat leave, dad is out earning. So her decision around leaving the baby simply IS harder and more important because currently the baby relies on her a lot more than on dad. Did the dad have a tough labour and a difficult time recovering and baby blues? No. Is the dad suffering from a bad back because stretchy ligaments and a heavy baby on one hip? No.

OP, take the trip, plan on the 2 or 3 nights. Do a practice overnight with the GPs if they agree to it. I'm sure you'll miss the baby like crazy but you'll also enjoy yourself and the baby will be fine.

My only proviso would be if the baby has a bad cold - I wouldnt go then. My babies both were bloody awful at night when they had colds, and the GP would never have coped.

I couldn’t have taken a trip like this at 5 months, mine were awful sleepers and ebf. Nothing to do with judgement or mum guilt, simply recalling practicalities based on my experience as a parent of children at that age.

You’ll feel refreshed after your amazing trip but you know people will judge you, try not to let that diminish your enjoyment.

It will do you and your relationship the world of good.
Obviously you will miss baby but if the grandparents are willing and able then absolutely do it!
I'm jealous 🤣 married 10 years, 2 kids and only 1 night away ever!
Get yourself some new outfits and go, this wouldn't even be a question if it was a man 🤷‍♀️

@MrsMinted Mum is primary carer during mat leave, dad is out earning. So her decision around leaving the baby simply IS harder and more important because currently the baby relies on her a lot more than on dad.Did the dad have a tough labour and a difficult time recovering and baby blues? No. Is the dad suffering from a bad back because stretchy ligaments and a heavy baby on one hip? No

your post really confused me. Am I honestly getting scalded by someone who agrees with my opinions?

We've established she's on mat leave, primary care giver, is finding the decision hard. She is certainly in no way taking it lightly. Did I ever dispute that? Nope.

Did I suggest dad gave birth and is now suffering either emotionally or physically as a result? Nope

The fact that OP has been through so much is even more of a reason to take a break while she can cos it might be a very long time before the opportunity rises again.

Your comments are in no way relevant to anything I've said. I've supported OP all along.

What opinions I offer to other posters who are being subtly and not so subtly aggressive and/or being downright patronising and condescending, trying to make OP feel guilty, is of no concern of yours.

Please don't tell me my comments are misplaced when others are talking such tripe. If you agree with my opinions, why not go and disagree with the ones you don't agree with Doesn't make sense but hey ho, everyone on MN needs a scapegoat and I guess the haters are just too strong, sarcastic, bitter a personality for you to take on

Is it an option for you to fly home alone after a couple of nights? Or join your husband half way through? I'm not sure I could of left mine for 5 nights at that age, I think I could of managed a couple of nights though.

Maternity leave is your opportunity to spend time with your baby, not swan off on a work trip.

Oh is it? Could anyone enlighten us on the exact rules of what we should and shouldn’t be doing on mat leave?

OP, you’ll get people who are oddly proud of the exhaustion and martyrdom of having a 12 year old who has never been away from their parents, slept through the night, and still bed shares and breast feeds. Go, make the most of the time away and GP support and know you can always fly home if really needed.

I had to leave my eldest for 5 nights at 5 months, I had no choice. She was absolutely fine with my parents.
Due to this I've left my other children for nights away, long weekends etc, since they were young. I personally think it was good for them but that's my opinion. I also think it helped my mental health and PND because I wasn't just mum, I was me too. It also helped my relationship, we had time to recharge together and have proper couple time without the stresses of parenthood.
The thing with parenting is that there is no right or wrong, what is right for one isn't right for another. Look at your situation and listen to nobody else.

Please please go ! its an investment in you, your relationship and your baby for you to go and relax and enjoy yourself. Your baby won't care less off you are there as long as they are warm, loved, happy and fed. I talk to my teenagers now about difficult drop offs at nursery when they were really little. Me crying on the way to work thinking that I was "damaging them". They laugh hysterically now because of course they have zero memory of it all. Your baby will have zero memory of it too. You , however will have some amazing memories of Italy and will come back recharged , ready to return to day to day life. Time spent with your partner is an immeasurable investment in your family unit, from which your baby will benefit in the long run. A break like this will be amazing for the two of you to reconnect after the last crazy 5 months.