Two parents with “big” jobs - how do you juggle it?

[overgrowngrass]

We are going to be starting TTC soon and I’m freaking out a bit about how we’re going to make it work.

We each have a commute of over an hour, both not normally home much before 6.30-7pm, and leave for work at 7am in the mornings. We have little to no family support available, at least not regularly.

My work does have an on-site nursery but commute is long and motorway based which I wouldn’t be particularly happy about doing with a baby in the car. I don’t think I’m being OTT about this?

I do 4 days a week, but my day off changes week to week which means I still need to have childcare for 5 days. Partner doesn’t think he will get a 4 day week approved but will make the application if/when we have the baby. If so, that would be a big help.

How have other people managed kids when both parents have full on jobs with long hours?

Our hours weren’t quite that long but certainly 7:30-18:30. We put in place bullet proof childcare (if you can’t afford it with those hours I’d be looking to move jobs to something more local!). We are lucky in that DH is a teacher (SLT in a big boarding school hence the hours…he got home at midnight last night) so holidays aren’t an issue.

Realistically you'll either have to get a nanny or make lifestyle changes such as reducing your hours to fit in with your jobs demands.

Live-in Nanny and cleaner. Ironclad attention to calendar so that you each take it in turns to be home for the nanny to finish. Shopping on-line and menu planning.

The only way DH and I do it is because both of our jobs are flexible in that we can change our hours around to make drop off and pick up and do some work from home evenings and weekends.

If you both have to do long hours in an office then I think a Nanny would be your best option.

I think you’re right about having childcare close to home not close to work, that way both parents can share responsibility for pickups etc. We shortened our working hours, so one of us does drop off and the other does pick up. It worked better with one kid than with two, but genuinely was fine with one.

My first pregnancy was unplanned so different circumstances. We moved 200 miles to be closer to family, downsized significantly and one of us became an (almost) full time parent. (He did some temping work on my days off or if my parents were available to babysit but his main responsibility was the kids)

I realise this was drastic (and contraversial) but we didn't want our kids being looked after by strangers (not judging those that do and I realise we were very lucky)

Your partner can push for 4 days. Mine got it. Men can apply just as easily as women and HR have to take it seriously. The question will be does he want to?! Men tend to think they have to protect their careers.

I don't understand about the commute. Surely one of the the easier options would be having the baby in nursery at your work. Why wouldn't you want to take the baby on the motorway?

Can you work from home some days to shorten the hours out the house? Can you move closer to work? ask work to fix your one day off? Ask to go to 5 shorter days instead of 4 long ones? A mixture of the above with DH eg one of you starts at 9 and the other leaves on the dot at 5 to ensure you can make nursery pick up

ours were in nursery 8-6 so if you can implement some of the above that will help.

it’s when they get to school it becomes harder - would you private school? They generally have more flexibility for early/late finishes. We haven’t and wrap around care and holiday care is increasingly challenging and a real source of stress for us at the moment.

Yeah, this. We had about 9 months of both trying to do 'big jobs' and it was a bit of a nightmare even though it was during one of the lockdowns so we were birth WFH full time. I got a new job after a while which is more flexible.

Drop a day to 3 for a year if possible.
Feed in the car before setting off- our baby did a 45 min journey.
Keep weekends quiet and see less of friends and family so you can spend time with your baby and catch up on things.
Get a cleaner.
Do a fun activity with baby on your day off.

Can you change company? We both have ‘big’ jobs but I wfh 100% and dh wfh 80% in a normal week and has some travelling weeks. In those travelling weeks I rely on aftercare and juggle my diary.

We manage by living right beside school and because we have much shorter commutes. Unless you can guarantee the commutes are only for (say) 3 days a week it will be really hard.

When mine were babies we used my workplace nursery. It was completely invaluable but it was only 20 mins away.

You should really push for a fixed day off if that’s in any way possible.

Your biggest issue is your commute IMO

So when are you planning on actually seeing your children?

I got a new job. We both had a requirement to travel and it just wasn't going to work.

A friend has kept going in a similar set of circumstances but has a nanny plus family help.

I know lots of families like these. The only feasible option is a nanny, or nursery plus live in au pair for pick ups and drop offs. The latter is cheaper but au pairs are very hard to get post Brexit and you spend a lot of time lining up your next one as typically they don’t stay too long.

Babies are fine on the motorway, mine sleeps the best in the car. We did 4 hours on the M1 yesterday and it was absolutely fine.

Would you take a year for maternity leave? If so, you would be taking a 1 year old in the car every day, which would potentially ok. I would have chosen that option if my work had a good creche.
Otherwise, you could employ a nanny. Most people I know with two full time jobs have done this (sometimes a nanny share with other family) or relied on help from Grandparents. Or a mixture of nanny/nursery and grandparents.
The vast majority of my friends went back to work part time after having children - is this an option for you? Potential for career to suffer if not managed well.
There are a few different potential options, but I wouldn't say any of them are definitely the best option - it depends on each family situation.

I think you'll need a live in nanny as you're not going to be about to get a child home from a nursery and to bed before 8pm, but you'd need them up before 6am, which isn't enough sleep (toddlers need 11-12 hours) Even if you could find a nursery or child minder who'd do those long hours.

Either that or one of you starts looking for a job closer to home and with shorter hours, or move closer to work.

Compromise. Someone (or both) will need to make changes to the way they work. And you’re making a big assumption that you want to go back to that way of working when your kids are small, and you’re still sleep deprived (ime about the first 2-3 years of a child’s life for many people).

couples I know who have made it work have done a variety of things. One couple of friends I admire both switched to 4 day weeks which helped enormously. I coasted in my career until school started and have upped my game again in the last couple. I would say I’m now doing a ‘big’ job again, and studying for an MBA. But in the interim I wasn’t career focussed and considered giving up entirely at one point.

just to add - my eldest child was/is horrifically car sick. He had a range of about 30-45 minutes up until age 3 at which point everyone would be spattered in vomit.

Full time nanny is probably the best answer. A big upside of a nanny is that they will probably be happy to look after a baby with a mild-moderate illness when a nursery might not take them. Obviously if your child is very unwell then you have to stay home with them, but quite often they're comfortable enough with a few doses of calpol, but nursery won't take them with any hint of a fever.

On the flip side, this does leave you at the mercy of that one nanny never getting ill themselves (or having car issues etc) but in my experience, babies get ill more often than adults!

Also, the 1-1 care given by a good nanny is far superior than a nursery is able to offer with multiple children. But then again, there's more accountability at a nursery, with other adults watching your ever move. A unscrupulous nanny can really get away with doing quite a shitty job and you might never know.

Different situation for us in that when we had young kids we were low down on the career ladder not making very much money, but our jobs were very demanding and inflexible as we hadn't yet established ourselves, so I was out the house similar times as you. My husband had no flexibility (due to nature of his job, especially 10 years ago, not because he's a man) I went part time (mostly 4 days) for the first few years but was full time for eldest's first year and from youngest being 20 months. All we could do was use childcare, but I can say they are lovely, happy, healthy kids! I have much more flexibility now they're older which is much more useful as they do actually remember me being around at this time whereas nursery years are long forgotten.

Presumably your big jobs have good wages which helps with choice. Nanny? Do either of you have ability to WFH? Not to replace childcare, but to help the day be less exhausting without commute etc, shorter day for baby.

The biggest challenge mentally has actually been year 5/6 when they start feeling too old for after school club but I've had little choice, that's the only time I've had that internal guilt!

We have a brilliant nanny, but I also spent my TTC years (and it took us years) slowly altering my role to mean I could cut a lot of my travel, and WFH more after mat leave

DH has in recent years been able to alter his working patterns so that he leaves ‘early’ and gets home for bath and bedtime and then logs back on/does calls after the DCs are in bed

But pretty much everyone I work with has a nanny who earns a small fortune (mine is on nearly £50k/year..!) but is totally reliable and means you can fully concentrate on work during work hours

We also have a housekeeper who does a few full days a week to make sure the house is always ticking over and also is back up in case our nanny is ever ill or on holiday. And we also have reciprocal agreements with friends to be back up for each other if our nannies are ill- so our kids could go to them if ours was ill and we have theirs if their nanny is ill

It probably sounds more complicated than it is, but day to day life is very simple (and expensive once we’ve paid the salaries)

FWIW preschool age is much easier to manage than wraparound care once they're in school!

You get a nanny or one or both of you make a big change to your job (hours, location, etc).

At the moment (age 4) one of mine goes to bed at 7pm and is rarely up before 7am. So you have to be brutally honest with yourselves - if you’re out of the house for 12 hours a day, are you going to have any time with your children? I ended up taking a sabbatical because I was fed up of paying someone else to parent my child. Now I’m looking for a new role part time and local (or working from home). It’s easy to just think about the baby period, but actually it continues to be complicated, if anything older kids need you more (my 4 year old is much more impacted by starting school than he was by childcare as a baby/toddler).