Two parents with “big” jobs - how do you juggle it?

[overgrowngrass]

We are going to be starting TTC soon and I’m freaking out a bit about how we’re going to make it work.

We each have a commute of over an hour, both not normally home much before 6.30-7pm, and leave for work at 7am in the mornings. We have little to no family support available, at least not regularly.

My work does have an on-site nursery but commute is long and motorway based which I wouldn’t be particularly happy about doing with a baby in the car. I don’t think I’m being OTT about this?

I do 4 days a week, but my day off changes week to week which means I still need to have childcare for 5 days. Partner doesn’t think he will get a 4 day week approved but will make the application if/when we have the baby. If so, that would be a big help.

How have other people managed kids when both parents have full on jobs with long hours?

You'll need to work less hours between the two of you so that you can do the childcare, or you will need to pay someone to do it if you are at work. You'll need a Nanny or an Au Pair, the latter tend to be a bit more hit and miss in terms of ability and motivation, and longeivity of stay.

If you are going to bring a small very needy human into your family, you will need to make space. There will be massive compromise in one way or another.

A nanny or one person’s job takes a bit of a step back for a while.

The parents I know with two big jobs have either a shit load of family help or a shit load of paid help.

We both secured home working me pretty much all the time, him most of the time plus flexible working hours.

Nanny.

Or I'd use the on-site nursery. They'll get used to the drive.

I agree with a pp that school is much harder. Lots of holidays including summer. Inset days. Lack of wraparound care. It's a real juggle!!

I also took 18 months maternity leave which of course was a massive help

Live in nanny.
Or one of the big drops will need to drop. I don't think it's really possible to do both unless you essentially have someone else (nanny or family member) as a third 'parent'

Source - attempted it with no family support and very quickly realised it wasn't going to work. I now work part time school hours now that my child is school age

Exactly this

@GappyValley admittedly I'm public sector which may well be a different kettle of fish, but I think senior jobs and families are quite manageable in the organisations I work for and most of us have 2 "career headed" parents at the level I'm working at and above (albeit my kids are older now so not relating to OP precisely here)

I just don't think it's helpful to generalise too much, OP has said very little about her job, place in her career, age, what one person can manage is different to another. If people knew what my life looked like 10 years ago and I posted it on MN I can guarantee I would have been told "something had to give" but I was fine and cracked on. Admittedly I was young and feisty trying to get up the ladder, that's what I mean, different motivations mean different capabilities.

If one of you wants to really go for it career-wise then having kids and two jobs between you becomes unsustainable

err most mothers & fathers work

Both primarily wfh, although with substantial commutes when we do go into our respective offices (ca. 2hrs door to door, one or twice a week). We have a nanny, and coordinate days in the office so someone is almost always home to do handovers. It helps that we're senior enough to more or less set our own schedules, and that we're good at saying no to meetings if need be.

Something has to give, and it’s either dedication to the job or dedication to your kids

This.

Also a very good point made by a PP about the baby falling asleep in the car on the way home and then being awake for hours.

motorways are the safest roads statistically - would rather do them than country roads.

As others have said, nanny full time. I've also stayed with existing employer as they are pretty flexible.

We have worked out that we will need nanny until youngest is 7. It is a major, major impact on our income and I know that if we moved to a more rural area and one of us only worked we would be much better off financially, but we both enjoy our careers and are investing for the (very) long term.

I would also say that we've both given up all external interests / hobbies. We socialise with friends but it's all pretty much child orientated now.

Nanny sounds a good option, but as a PP alluded too. You may find that you want to stay home for a few years to raise your family, as priorities change. You can plan of course but often thoughts change once baby arrives, they certainly did for me. Good luck OP.

If one of you wants to really go for it career-wise then having kids and two jobs between you becomes unsustainable

What utter rubbish.
Both me and DH have what you'd consider 'big jobs' and we manage just fine.

What makes it for us:
-we only have one child

• we both work flexibly and can WFH a couple of days a week
• we chose a nursery and school close to home
• we have a cleaner and do online shopping
• and most importantly.... we share childcare and household responsibilities equally.

The same way people with "small" jobs cope but with more available cash for childcare!

Can your DH work a regular Saturday as part of the 'sweetener' for his employer allowing a compressed 4 day week?

DH did this - 4 day weeks were frowned upon and usually declined until he offered to work every Saturday and they bit his hand off.

We both worked a full time, compressed 4 day week. I was off Friday - Sunday, DH was off Sunday - Tuesday. We only had Sunday as a family day but it was fine and still preferable as we only ever needed childcare on Wed and Thursday. It made a huge difference to both cost and work /life balance.

Flexibility. Thankfully our workplaces were happy with that.

I'm out before they leave for school. But home in time to pick them up.

DH starts work a bit later so he can drop them off to school and is home later in the evening.

Could you move so that one of you doesn't have a long commute? My work is only a 10-15 minute drive to home/school and no motorway which is a comfort to me as it means if I got a call to get them then I could be there quickly.

Nanny sounds the most feasable option. You can't put them on a nursery near home and both commute that far away. Nursery won't want you both that far away if you have to pick up DC early when they are ill.

Workplace nursery could work if DC gets dinner. You could get them to put DC in PJ's as they will fall asleep on the way home. The one caution would be if LO isn't a good sleeper you might not want to be commuting long drives as you may be very tired from night wakings.

It's difficult to predict as you don't know how long TTC will take or how you will feel about your job and commute once a baby is here. I didn't give a shit about work when DC were tiny as my priorities had shifted.

The same way people with "small" jobs cope but with more available cash for childcare

This is so true. Whilst my job does command more of my headspace outside of work now than it did 10 years ago, and more travel, different types of stress; the freedom of being trusted and respected and at a high enough level to be able to delegate and dictate makes working and managing home life worlds apart from when I was entry level with kids. I do recognise my kids are older now, but I was MUCH more stressed lower down the ladder when I was at the mercy of my managers when home seeped into work. Now I tell people what I'm doing, I don't ask. Not to mention how crippling the costs of childcare was for us on those lower wages.

We bought a small and not very pretty house as our criteria was no further than 30m from work for either of us. Nursery & school nearby too.
The time we gain in our lives and ability to be around for our kids at 6pm is worth the lack of guest room or big kitchen island or period features.

You have chosen to have a child your priorities are now going to have to change. One of you will have to step down for a bit/ reduce days. I was able to compress my hours but it seems like you won't be able to do this. I have a different partner now. My son, the youngest is now 11. Next year my partner is going to slow down and I am going to step up again. I am 44 there is still loads of time for me to fulfil my career goals. I have enjoyed a few years still working but with my foot off the gas. This is not for everyone but it has worked for us. I am lucky to be in a high demand career so it's easy for me to accelerate again (hopefully).

Certainly something needs to change career wise or you will only be seeing your child at weekends.
Taking your child on a motorway journey is madness, think of all the delays you could suffer and with a distressed baby in the car.

Nanny and cleaner. If you have any flexibility in your hours one of you stick around in the morning for nanny to start at 8 and the other is back at 6 to relieve nanny so your child still sees it’s parents every day