Two parents with “big” jobs - how do you juggle it?

[overgrowngrass]

We are going to be starting TTC soon and I’m freaking out a bit about how we’re going to make it work.

We each have a commute of over an hour, both not normally home much before 6.30-7pm, and leave for work at 7am in the mornings. We have little to no family support available, at least not regularly.

My work does have an on-site nursery but commute is long and motorway based which I wouldn’t be particularly happy about doing with a baby in the car. I don’t think I’m being OTT about this?

I do 4 days a week, but my day off changes week to week which means I still need to have childcare for 5 days. Partner doesn’t think he will get a 4 day week approved but will make the application if/when we have the baby. If so, that would be a big help.

How have other people managed kids when both parents have full on jobs with long hours?

You are pushing arguments to completely illogical conclusions here. Ridiculous to extrapolate these extreme conclusions when what has been said is rational and proportional.

Almost everyone I know, both parents work full time so DCs are in childcare from 8am - 6pm. I’m a single parent who works those hours.

Fucking ridiculous comments from PPs about not having DC if you’ve got to work long hours.

@JamesWilbyFanClub how? If you're going to tell one person they wouldn't spend enough time with kids to the extent you challenge whether they want them, where does that stop? The poster admitted she would say the same to a working class couple. My point is it's a slippery slope, career mothers (yes mothers) are always targeted, but reframe it to others who need to work and you can see how you start policing who should have kids to your own criteria which is quite controversial I think? Especially when you then start "disallowing" certain sections of society from having children, hypothetically of course.

Who sets the criteria for the perfect scenario to have kids? What would actually happen if people lived like that, who would be left to have children?

So what does that mean exactly, only families that can afford to reduce their income to enable more home care should be allowed kids? We all ship our kids off to school for the majority of the week from 5, why do we bother having them eh, we should all home school them?

This is a fairly reasonable response to someone questioning why someone wants children if they're going to work though....

What insanity is this?! Only women who can live off their husband should have children? Some of us don’t want to be reliant on someone else for the roof over our heads. You only have to read the many threads on there to realise what a spectacularly stupid idea it is.

What insanity is this?! Only women who can live off their husband should have children? Some of us don’t want to be reliant on someone else for the roof over our heads. You only have to read the many threads on there to realise what a spectacularly stupid idea it is.

I agree with you!! That's the point I'm making ......

A previous poster said the bit I highlighted in bold was an unreasonable response to being asked why you want children if you're going to work full time.

I was saying that I felt it was a perfectly reasonable response to an insulting question.

I completely agree.
And you're right, it's always aimed at women.

I'm surprised we've not had people tell her to just cut down on luxuries so she can stay at home yet ....

Bulletproof full time childcare. But I haven’t seen any nursery’s around here that allow you to collect past 6

I can only imagine this working with a nanny and a lot of our scoured help like cleaner etc

When are you going to see your child? Do you think this will be a good life for them? I am all for couples having careers but the fact is that you won't be there when the child is awake. Even when the child is in school but still young then you won't see them except for half an hour at the end of the day. Do you think that's fair on the child? Do you think you'd be happy?

Only option for us was a nanny. Didn't have a live in one and I don't think I would have been able to tolerate one either but did have a day one that turned up at 7am and left whenever one of us could get home.
Was very very difficult and for us we decided wasn't worth it.
We'd literally phone each other at the office arguing over who could stay late to meet the nanny at the end of each day.
I now work pt with no career.

At least now though some careers allow you to wfh that would have been a game changer for us, would have reduced my nanny's hours and my cost down by at least the commuting time.

If you decide on a nanny know for sure they can stay late if your job asks you to. It's very very difficult. And school years are hell.
If you can sort some flexible working plan at work I'd do that for both of you too.

We don't manage well at all. In fact we were talking this morning about one of us having to change jobs dramatically.

There is nothing wrong with full time nursery care from a young age - ensure that you have fun as a family at a weekend and outsource as much as you can so you aren't wasting time hoovering and polishing.

Also be open to the fact you may have a baby and not WANT to work full time/those hours.

I changed roles to give me more flexibility with hours and location because I personally was feeling tired, worn out and missed her so much. We find the balance of one of us doing a slightly later drop and one of us picking her up earlier works for us.

Also its worth thinking if a childminder might be right for you over a nursery - especially as when they start school, the childminder can be a familiar person to collect.

"If it becomes completely unmanageable then I don’t know what we would do. Financially it would make more sense for him to leave his job, he earns less and has hit a ceiling with his career now, whereas I earn about 30% more and still have a couple more rungs up the ladder to climb in my field. Yes, we do live in the middle of our commutes - I commute North, he goes South into London."

FWIW I think he should look for a job that's closer to your job or your current home. If he gets a job near your job, you can move closer and reduce both your commutes. If he gets a job near your current home, at least his commute would be shorter and he can do childcare drop offs / pick ups and spend a bit more time with baby before and after work.

Do not give up your job or reduce your days any more than 4 days a week, just move closer or negotiate more WFH.

sounds crap for the child. my husband has a 'big' job and we decided we wanted one of us at home with the children. He wfh which helps massively and I'm planning on going back when youngest is 3 and at preschool

We're in our last week of shared parental leave and will be facing similar. Both work around 1.5h commute away so out of the house 6am-7pm (to avoid traffic). My mum (who lives ~1h away) will have DD on a Monday (staying over the night before) and she'll be in nursery the other four days. Me and DH will split the week wfh, so there will always be one of us to walk DD to nursery (drop off at 8 and pick up at 6) and whoever is at the office gets to do a gym visit that day too. We have a cleaner fortnightly and I have done a TON of batch cooking so realistically we don't have to do any housework. We also have a shared calendar which will need to be ironclad. My DH is not the most organised person so it's going to be a challenge.

This. absolutely. Him commuting expensively into London when his is the secondary job, when you could save money and time by moving nearer to your job.

Him being nearer family in London is a red herring as he is probably only seeing them at weekends now, and certainly won't have time to see them mid week with a baby and those commutes!