Two parents with “big” jobs - how do you juggle it?

[overgrowngrass]

We are going to be starting TTC soon and I’m freaking out a bit about how we’re going to make it work.

We each have a commute of over an hour, both not normally home much before 6.30-7pm, and leave for work at 7am in the mornings. We have little to no family support available, at least not regularly.

My work does have an on-site nursery but commute is long and motorway based which I wouldn’t be particularly happy about doing with a baby in the car. I don’t think I’m being OTT about this?

I do 4 days a week, but my day off changes week to week which means I still need to have childcare for 5 days. Partner doesn’t think he will get a 4 day week approved but will make the application if/when we have the baby. If so, that would be a big help.

How have other people managed kids when both parents have full on jobs with long hours?

OP you're suggesting that when you are wfh you can also do childcare. What happens when yo ur child is mobile? Will your work really accept you 'wfh' whilst also supervising a mobile child?

I would not accept a staff member working a full time day whilst also looking after their child. They wouldn't get the work done.

The answer is a nanny, plus some adjustments over time in how you work. We do this and both have fab relationships with the kids and no guilt. It works pretty great. My biggest issue is that the big job is stressful and annoying, not per se that the juggling is hard. If each of you is home 1 day a week that’s a lot. Agree it does require kids who are on the relatively straightforward end of the spectrum - I can imagine all bets would be off if we were dealing with serious SEN.

bit more stability, but of wfh, but of hours cut, SPLIT between BOTH of you. Great nanny. Give it a go.

I wouldn't do a long motorway commute with a baby. I used to do a lot of motorway driving prior to DD (1-2 hrs per day) and during pregnancy got tested for CO2 or whatever it is and had the levels of a medium smoker! Never touched a cig in my life!

THe ideal is for you both to drop a day/wfh a bit/condense hrs

As someone who worked full time with 3 kids, I absolutely agree with this. If you can't give them your time, there is no point because it is the main thing they need above all else.

Just to be clear, the wfh days save you hours, but you still have to have child care. Some
days I would even leave my house, drop child at care, and go
home to work.

Guess what. You can't have a baby and carry on exactly as you did before. If you arnt willing to make sacrifices then maybe you shouldn't be bringing a new life into the world One of you would have to cut your hours considerably There is no point having a baby and giving it to someone else to look after for 12 hrs a day better not to bother !

Live in nanny.

Of course not, people asked whether we ever worked from home so I was responding to that. The implication being that when WFH it means we are around to do earlier finish times for childcare, not that I’m going to care for a baby whilst working. The fact our WFH days are not fixed is another reason my work’s nursery isn’t an ideal solution though.

I’m not sure why people are being quite unkind and questioning whether I should have a child - I work a 4 day week. Yes the days are long but I will see my child just as much, if not more, over the course of a week as parents working a 5 day week in a 9-4/9-5 job.

Why do you want a child? It dosen't sound like you have much time for it tbh

I had nannies (not live in) and then au pairs (live in). But I also made compromises at work - moving jobs, going part time etc. Once you have a child you probably will want to make changes. I don't know how senior you are - it's much easier when you are more senior.

fwiw we never had any family help and always did it ourselves (my H less so....) and are now through the other side as my youngest is 10.

We both do long hours with shift work and have no family help and two young children. My partner has given up a contracted position to do ad hoc work because we can't choose our shifts and we can't manage with nursery alone. If he goes into a contracted position next year we might need to look into getting a nanny because 8-6 nursery won't be flexible enough. I really don't want to do that though because I'm worried about having to cover a nanny's annual leave and sick leave which we don't have to do with nursery. Sounds like you might need a nanny too unless you both go part time and just manage with work-based nurseries on 1-2 days a week.

Nanny, or a good childminder who works longer hours than most. They are out there, but either hard to find or expensive. Once your baby is older I'd be using the onsite nursery, it's when they start going to school that the difficult starts. You and your dh will have to agree now how to work it. Me and dh used to do one pick up and one drop off each, we had to agree with our employees to either start earlier or work later to accommodate this

We had a nanny when we both had demanding, FT jobs. As we had more children, I reduced my hours and eventually stopped work. I wanted to raise my (four) children myself, not outsource them and never see them.

I can't see how you can WFH and look after a baby. DH has a couple of couples who do this and he, and his team, are fed up with the babies, now toddlers, disturbing meetings and presentations to clients. It may work when they are tiny and immobile, but you need proper childcare in place.

(And finally, this is just my personal experience, but my 3 very good friends who have worked FT all the way through their children's child/teen hoods in VERY high powered, financially lucrative careers have all, separately, told me that they are sad they do not have the same relationships with their children as those who have been around more, and wish they had less money in the bank, and more time banked with their children, particularly as they reach pre-teen years.)

Both of you doing a 4 day week, plus a nanny and cleaner is the answer.
That way the child gets 1 day with each parent alone, 2 days with both of you together and 3 with a nanny.
Not too bad at all.

OP you have every right to have a child. Your situation does not sound dissimilar from many other families. Unfortunately you'll be harshly criticised for every step you take because you're a woman, it never ends, MN is the peak example. Listen to the genuine advice, try to push aside the judgement, no one knows your life like you do.

To fiddle about with at the weekend with no doubt

To fiddle about with at the weekend with no doubt

Oh bore off, are you going to start telling working class people they're not allowed kids if they work long shifts?

Do you ever ask a man this?! Is it just woman who are expected to be full time parents or not at all?!

the OP works 4 days a week, if her DH can do the same, then their dc would be in childcare 3 days a week and 4 days with parents. Really can’t see why the judgement. And I say that as someone who gave up to be a SAHM until dcs were all at school and now works 3 days a week.

I went back to work when DS was 8 months old and DH then took 4 months shared parental leave, which really set the scene for shared division of care and responsibility. We have both dropped down to 4 days a week and until recently had a nanny for the other 3. Now DS is in nursery, but we've moved closer to family who are willing and able to help with pickups and sick days.

Another thought OP re your DH - many find dropping to 2.5/3 days a week and having a job share - even in a senior role - easier for a company to accommodate than 4 days a week. 4 days a week sometimes means same work but less hours to do it in, but 3 or fewer days means someone else is hired to do the “other half” of the job, and the workload is more manageable. Over the last few years, I’ve seen many roles that I would have previously thought couldn’t be shared be covered by successful job shares, more companies are being open to it rather than losing skilled staff. Worth putting all on the table.

It's already been mentioned a few times, but in your situation a nanny or flexible childminder would probably be a better childcare option than a nursery.
You do need to consider when they start school as well (I honestly find it bizarre when people are suddenly confused that schools are only c.6 hours per day and term time)

oh shut up.

To fiddle about with at the weekend with no doubt

Disgraceful comment

There’s some really shitty comments on here!

you can make it work, but there may need to be some changes to your working patterns. For example I put a flexible working request in and now do 6 - 3 instead of 8:30 - 5:30 and now work full time from home. It means I often have to do catch up time in the evening, but gives us the balance we need.

Good luck!

This - we shared my mat leave for first child and it made SUCH a difference.

From the off, you need a joint discussion about how this will work. Now, before any baby is here. Every time you are thinking "how will nursery work?", articulate this to your partner so he gets just how much thought goes into this. If both careers are bringing in decent money, then the idea that the lesser earner is suddenly magically responsible for all the child issues is nonsense. This is especially the case if your lifestyle requires both salaries - at that point, no one's job is indispensable, and childcare responsibilities need to be viewed in that light.

I didn't find school more challenging, because school has wraparound (we'd be stuffed if this goes and would have to move school). What does make a difference at school is that they have more worries - friendship issues, homework etc.