Two parents with “big” jobs - how do you juggle it?

[overgrowngrass]

We are going to be starting TTC soon and I’m freaking out a bit about how we’re going to make it work.

We each have a commute of over an hour, both not normally home much before 6.30-7pm, and leave for work at 7am in the mornings. We have little to no family support available, at least not regularly.

My work does have an on-site nursery but commute is long and motorway based which I wouldn’t be particularly happy about doing with a baby in the car. I don’t think I’m being OTT about this?

I do 4 days a week, but my day off changes week to week which means I still need to have childcare for 5 days. Partner doesn’t think he will get a 4 day week approved but will make the application if/when we have the baby. If so, that would be a big help.

How have other people managed kids when both parents have full on jobs with long hours?

We got a nanny, we tried with nursery and it was awful. We now have a nanny housekeeper.

I've also changed jobs to one with more WFH and closer to home which helps with household balance, and my DH does one day WFH too.

Maybe just don't have kids. Totally unfair on them. Sorry to be blunt.

Something will need to give or you will need to buy in the help. Options include shorter days but 5 days a week, one of you starting earlier, the other later (for you my friend started at 6.30 and his wife at 9.30, same employer so he could finish at 2.30 to do the school run, she did the morning drop off), or at first use a nursery on site, or move closer to work. A live in nanny is an option (funds and space permitting) working on a 4 day week basis it would be attractive

Brilliant advice based on real experience

A nanny backed up by emergency childminder close by.
Cleaner who could double up as a cook oaacasionaly.
Grocery delivery, online shopping.
Backups for everything and backup for the backups.
Pre COVID we couldn't WFH so much - now it's so much easier. Dh and I can stagger our days and be around much more.

Having a baby will change your life. That's the whole point of it!
In the early years, looking after your child can be more demanding than a "big job"- and even if you have a nanny 7am to 7pm (good luck with that), you are still left with the night shift which can be the most debilitating if your baby is not a good sleeper.
At least one of you, and ideally both of you, will have to make adjustments to your work/ working hours and neither of you seem to have the desire to do so. It is possible to maintain a big career and have a child but i do question why you want a child that you would really only see at the weekends, who would spend the majority of its waking hours in childcare? I find it odd that neither parent wants to have a bigger presence in their child's life than very short evenings and weekends.

We both went part time, for me I was able to so that in my company, for my husband that did mean changing jobs as his previous company do not approve any part time working requests.

My son attended nursery near my work, this also saved me two hours of fees per day, it also meant if he was unwell I could be there in 5-10 minutes. My place of work is fairly close to school, so it also reduces the amount of wrap around care needed on the two days when we will both be working.

Short answer - you can't continue in that pattern. One of you will end up "stepping back" to part time /shorter commute.

I tried a 4 day week (4/5, not compressed hours) and with a 40 min commute couldn't do it. - 3/5 time was just about workable. Tiredness and PND hit hard plus a very cross/slightly hard work baby. With hindsight I should have taken a year maternity leave (only took 6 months).

I also needed a cleaner and a nanny.

My job also turned out to be incompatible with working mothers so took my payoff money and started my own business (I would NOT recommend this with a young baby!).

Was soon working full time+ by the time DC was 2 again locally with nanny and cleaner.

When DC2 arrived DH took the step back and left his job to run the business while I had maternity leave, but DC2 much easier baby and I was back after 6 months.

But then as its our own business I can set hours that suit me!

Think into the future- once your child starts school, wraparound care can be tricky. School days are short.

And yes , as pp said - rethink your jobs.
I was a sahm for a few years and we have both taken a hit on our careers. We are happy to muddle along somewhere in middle management juggling both home life and career. If one of you wants to really go for it career-wise then having kids and two jobs between you becomes unsustainable.

Nanny.

Make some serious changes to your jobs - both of you

Have some serious thought, if you are out of the house for so many hours, maybe still working when you get home, why are you TTC a child that you won't see and will largely be parented by someone else?

From the subject of the post I was going to say we had another loo put in under the stairs!

If one of you wants to really go for it career-wise then having kids and two jobs between you becomes unsustainable

Just because you couldn't manage it doesn't mean others can't, most families I know have 2 full time working parents.

I think the biggest issue for the OP is their commutes, their hours seem reasonable, I'd be looking to see to see if that is something they could change by change in job or location. When I didn't need to commute (regularly) any more working full time became emphatically easier. Especially when kids got to school which as others say can be more challenging for childcare.

Your DH is already training you that he will do less by saying he doesn't think he'll get a 4 day week approved. Spoiler alert - if he were a woman he wouldn't be saying this, he'd just be expected to push for it. He probably doesn't want a 4 day week.

Don't have kids until you have his agreement in blood he'll do HALF.

We were in this position and manage with nursery/after school care and a cleaner. We have no family help. Things are so so much easier since covid as we can both work from home 3 days a week and only commute into office two days a week. I honestly don’t know how we did it when they were babies and we were both in the office five days a week. Is wfh an option for you?

For us, the parent who is wfh is responsible for drops offs at 8 and collections at 6.30. It is full on but the dc are really happy, sociable and confident children. It’s a nightmare when they’re sick but thankfully that’s less frequent now. We did try nannies when they were small but we just couldn’t find the right person. The nursery/afterschool they are in is amazing and I couldn’t be happier with it. I think being happy with the childcare you have is key. Also key for us is keeping the weekends quiet enough and not saying yes to everything.

In my experience your husbands job will take priority. He will say he can’t do any less at work, or more at home. If he works in a male dominated environment he will be encouraged to think and say childcare is the woman’s responsibility. Further backed up by the fact that you just had a years holiday (maternity leave) with the baby so you should just continue looking after them whilst you work.

Please feel free to ignore me. I’m aware I am bitter from my own experience with stbexh.

Don't think you need to give it all up overnight. So long as the pair of you are happy to talk it over and change things as per the family need of the time, you will be fine.
Do what's best for the moment , don't worry about the future. Just be ready to change things if it's no longer working for someone in the family.

Ask for your day off work a week to be a set day. That would be a great help.

My dh worked similar hours as you do when our dd was tiny. This meant that he didn't see her much during the week. I took the career hit (which I have never regretted) working part time hours over 4 days.

I would look for local childcare and from what you have said it will probably work best with a nanny.

The reality is that the hours that you are currently working mean that you won't see your baby much.

We invested in a nanny; whilst it’s the more expensive option there is no comparison in terms of reliability. It also becomes more affordable once you have a second child. It eliminates the need for nursery drop off and pick up and also removes the risk of nursery refusing to have the kids because they have a runny nose. If you have to travel for work that’s another good reason to consider a nanny. Take your time choosing, its not a decision to rush as you are choosing to accept a third parent into your family dynamic. Also anything you don’t like in their approach, make sure you firmly and politely nip it in the bud immediately.

I negotiated working 7-4 when I returned from my first Mat leave. I’m in the office by 06.30 and do try to leave on time as often as the schedule allows. I do catch up on work in the evenings and weekends when needed but at least I’m home most evenings to be with the kids and talk to them, read to them etc.

Despite the snarky comments from some posters I have an incredibly close and loving bond with the kids. I was worried about juggling career and small children. It’s not easy but I’ve been promoted twice in the 5 years I’ve been a mother and now my level of autonomy to structure my day and week has grown such that I have increasing levels of freedom to be with the DC more.

I don't think you will need 5 days in the nursery. Either press your employer to make it a fixed day or ask the nursery if you can have a shift contract. At ours there are parents who work shifts with days off changing all the time and they are on a shift contract so they just tell the nursery what hours they need monthly.

Is moving closer to work an option? I don't think the hour commute is too much of a problem if not, but it risks baby falling asleep on the way home then you have got into danger nap territory and won't get them to bed gone 11pm.

Your biggest issue is your commute IMO

I agree. You need a nursery and a job closer to home. You're going to have the same issue when they start school as after school clubs shut at 6pm. If you absolutely love your job then you'll have to throw money at it. I paid for full time nursery plus wrap around morning and after nursery care until I got home.

It’s not that having 2 full time working parents is an issue
its the ‘always on’ expectation that comes with senior roles. Plus OP having such a long commute

But it’s very tricky to both have 50+ hour jobs where you’re constantly impressing the boss and chasing promotions, and a young family
i think its unrealistic to assume both of you can continue to aggressively advance your careers with babies at home. Something has to give, and it’s either dedication to the job or dedication to your kids

The thing that surprised me was how hard it is practically to juggle DCs and work. I had heard it was of course, but the actual reality of it was a shock.

When DS1 was born I had a job that required me to travel internationally very often. DH had a London-based job that was roughly 12 hour days.

I took 13 months combination of mat leave, acrrued annual leave and leave without pay. Then was back and travelling within 2 weeks. DH first of all dropped a day then started working mostly from home. 2 years later DS2 was born and again I took extended mat leave etc. At that point DH changed workplaces and we had expensive and extensive childcare from our wonderful childminder.

We still could not quite work it out and I then quit my job and retrained over the course of about 2 years withy the view to have a role closer to home that was hopefully as much 9-5 with a shorter commute and no travel.

Now DH works from home. I work from home 3 days a week, 1 day in the office and dropepd a Friday. Both Dcs are in school full time. But it is still hard to juggle and we are trying to work out how to cope next. We did think about an au pair but do not have the space for anyone live in and really do not have the money either as both DCs are in a private school. Plus my older one has significant SEN.

Currently the vague option on the table which I think will be put in place by the end of the year is that DH will again change roles and will go back to an office based job and I will actually quit my (much detested) job and will be at home. The support required by my older one is really significant and we are not managing to provide that at present, even despite the fact we currently wfh.

It's been hard. But truth is, I think most parents muddle along and try this or that before hopefully finding something that really works. having family close by who support would undoubtedly be a help but is not a reality for us. (DH's parents are deceased and mine live in NZ).

Big jobs big money =full time nanny
Puss cleaner gardener maybe housekeeper
But at least online weekly shops

We both do 4 day weeks. Financial hit but it seemed undoable otherwise, we'd be out the house way too much. Because we both reduced hours, neither feels like career took too much of a hit