Two parents with “big” jobs - how do you juggle it?

[overgrowngrass]

We are going to be starting TTC soon and I’m freaking out a bit about how we’re going to make it work.

We each have a commute of over an hour, both not normally home much before 6.30-7pm, and leave for work at 7am in the mornings. We have little to no family support available, at least not regularly.

My work does have an on-site nursery but commute is long and motorway based which I wouldn’t be particularly happy about doing with a baby in the car. I don’t think I’m being OTT about this?

I do 4 days a week, but my day off changes week to week which means I still need to have childcare for 5 days. Partner doesn’t think he will get a 4 day week approved but will make the application if/when we have the baby. If so, that would be a big help.

How have other people managed kids when both parents have full on jobs with long hours?

And ready yourself for a few years of hard stops at the office end of day but a couple of hours on the laptop each evening.

@Gr33ngr33ngr4ss reading the OP there is no way she’s referring to a 25k job in retail.

I know many, many people in this situation. 90% end up being forced to make lifestyle changes - which invariably involves the women working (and ultimately then earning) less. "We both earned exactly the same pre-kids, so it made sense for the mother to cut her hours". The other 10% get a full time nanny and also have a cleaner.

My work does have an on-site nursery but commute is long and motorway based which I wouldn’t be particularly happy about doing with a baby in the car. I don’t think I’m being OTT about this?

You are definitely being OTT about this!
This is a perfect solution!

The nursery can give the baby it’s breakfast and things so you don’t need to worry about these things and you can also pop in on your lunch.

If it is poorly then instead of driving an hour to collect them, you are right there.

It will also be much less expensive as you’ll only be paying for the hours you are at work.

The commute being long or on the motorway is not an issue.

The only issue is that you will have much more responsibility than your DH as you’re doing all of the drop offs and pick ups and leaving work early if they’re portly etc, which you may find unfair.

If my children had an hour in the car after nursery, especially as 2-3 year olds they would sleep the whole way home and then not go to sleep that evening until 11pm. That is worth thinking about as some children would be fine but others wouldn't.

I would strongly recommend nursery close to home rather than close to work. I wouldn't want to drive an Ill baby an hour journey to get them home and doing the commute daily will muck up their naps.

Yes, biggest problem with the nursery close to work is they'll sleep in the car.

You haven't come back to the thread OP. I think we need to know how much you have to spend on childcare?
Because a nanny is the obvious solution.

I didn't say she was! Rtft!

Realistically what’s the point in having children if your expectation is that your jobs/working hours won’t change? If you’re both out of the house for 12 hours a day when do you envisage you’ll be raising your child(ten)?

Haven't RTFT so I'm probably repeating lots of other posts, but you'll need to get a nanny, and both reduce commute time as much as possible, by moving house, moving job, or WFH at least some of the time.

FWIW I don't think both of you being out working/commuting 12h a day (7am-7pm) is going to be compatible with having a child, it's not exactly a good work-life balance and you won't see your child much - so I advise you to have a good think about what you want your work and family life to be like. You can't easily "have it all" so you may need to prioritise and compromise.

@Gr33ngr33ngr4ss OP asked a question with someone with personal experience. I answered as I feel I fit the criteria. Not sure what your problem is and why you feel the need to swear? All rather odd...

@Newjobformoremoney because you've taken what she said out of context and misunderstood her point, she's not saying OP is in a £25k job, her point was the timings might not be different to people in so called "small" jobs (not language either of us used) but with the benefit presumably of a higher income to outsource.

The biggest problem with a nursery is the sickness policy…
Children have an unfortunate habit of getting ill at the most inconvenient times, so at some point, you will have a situation where you get a call from nursery to say they are ill and need to be collected as you’re about to walk into an important meeting.

Or they’ll be sick and barred for 48hrs the day before you absolutely have to be in the office, and you’re stuck

When your children are sick, your nanny will still look after them, so it’s not too bad. When you are sick, your nanny can still look after them

When your children are sick and the nursery in your office won’t take them at all, so you’re stuck at home trying to juggle work and looking after a poorly child
And if you are sick, presumably your partner would then have a commute in the wrong direction to drop the child off at nursery before going to his office, and then the same on the way home

Because you hadn't read what I initially said and obviously don't apologise when you're wrong. And read the full thread isn't swearing. But you crack on being right. 🙄

We commuted with ours every day to a workplace nursery, although it was by train into central London. It actually worked quite well- we used to do stories and toast on the train in the morning. Generally DP managed to pickup at about 4.30, but while they were both napping they didn't usually sleep on the way home. The youngest did do that for a while but I started delaying the pickup until later and giving her a packed tea- and put her in her PJs at nursery. If she did fall asleep she could just be put straight to bed. Yes there's no evening time but tbh the hours between 5.30-7 are not exactly golden time with a knackered 3yo.

However, we also did 4 days a week each, so it wasn't every day- and going by train is a bit more interactive than the car. Is the train an option? The absolute winner is that you don't panic if there is a transport delay and feel less like you're rushing for a pickup. It doesn't work well if you're going to wfh a lot though.

The other thing is if it's a workplace nursery you may be able to salary sacrifice the whole thing which is very cost effective (depending on the arrangement and if it's actually run by your employer).

Mine were not very sickly; I think we only got asked to pick them up twice the whole time. I wouldn't make a decision based on that initially, because they may very well be fine.

I have a job with lots of features of a big corporate job (lots of intl travel, big deadlines, expectations of evening stuff) but without the salary for nannies etc- I'm public/3rd sector. We set things up from the start with shared parental leave, DP dropped to 4 days and I did 5 in 4 compressed. Set the expectations of shared care early. I still have way more mental load but the day to day heavy lifting is much more him.

Originally our plan was a nanny. Ultimately I decided to convert to part-time which thankfully my
company encourages for both male and female employees looking for work-life balance.

at 60 hours a week, realistically you are going to need to hire two nannies or do a combination of nursery and a nanny. The overtime premium at 60 hours plus the burnout factor just isn’t wise.

Tried and eventually left my 'big' job after second baby so husband can focus on his even bigger job and I figure out my next move in between picking up cheerios off the floor for the 150th time.
I'm not bitter.

You'll need a nanny and then some kind of back up plan for when your nanny is sick. I doubt many nurseries would cover 7-7pm and I personally wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my child in nursery for that length of time 5 days a week.

I would have a serious conversation with your work and get your day off fixed. Can either of you negotiate a day working from home to reduce commuting time? Or can you agree some form of flexible working? We both work busy jobs, full time, long hours, but have agreed working patterns so that we work some evenings/weekends thereby meaning one of us is always around in the evenings and there at weekends. Appreciate your husband has boarding school commitments but there must be some work he could do from home? Both your work have to consider reasonable adjustments if you request them.

I would also have a think about how important both your work is and whether you need to be working such long hours with such a long commute. Without wanting to sound harsh, you will essentially be absent parents for more than 2/3 of your child's life with your current set up. You will probably have left when they get up in the morning and will be back after they've gone to bed. I'm not sure any work is that important or 'big' and it seems a rather sad situation for a child to be brought into.

We wing it everyday. Obvs not the childcare element - that’s solid, but in terms of juggling other aspects, we wing it totally. Oh, and we hired a cleaner.

We have a nanny and DH has gone down to 4 days (though ends up working a lot at weekends). I wfh 2 days/week which helps, but my commute is only c30mins anyway. I generally don’t start work until 9.30, so see the kids in the morning 6.30-8.45 (when our nanny arrives) and drop my eldest to school
every day. I also log off/leave the office on time to see them before bed every day. I end up working remotely most nights, often until the early hours of the morning, and it’s exhausting. But my career is going from strength to strength and I have a good amount of time with the kids - more in fact than my friends who do “normal” jobs because they start earlier and send their kids to nursery whereas I can see mine during the day when wfh, and am senior enough to be able to log off to attend their preschool shows or take them to the dentist.

Nanny is v expensive though and planning to move to an au pair when the youngest starts school. We have no family nearby but our parents will sometimes fly over to stay to cover our nanny’s holiday. We also have a cleaner 3 hrs/week and I’m thinking of increasing that!

Thanks for all responses, even those that bluntly pointed out that actually we’d probably want to see our child a bit more… harsh but fair. To answer some questions:

Yes, DP does definitely need to drop a day at work too. In which case, if I can get my day off at work fixed, that would only leave us with three days a week to cover for childcare. I WFH once a week, DP’s job is site/office based for the most part although he probably averages a day a week from home depending on his diary.

If it becomes completely unmanageable then I don’t know what we would do. Financially it would make more sense for him to leave his job, he earns less and has hit a ceiling with his career now, whereas I earn about 30% more and still have a couple more rungs up the ladder to climb in my field. Yes, we do live in the middle of our commutes - I commute North, he goes South into London. We do have family here so wouldn’t want to move but they are not in a position to support us; elderly relatives.

Lots to consider so thanks for all input.

TBH I know very few parents who have managed to keep two big demanding jobs going. In most cases one parent (no prizes for guessing which it usually is) has stepped back their job or stopped work entirely, either straight away after kids or after a few years of being exhausted making it all just about work. Including us.

The couples who have managed it have had

• nanny, often live in
• cleaner
• some family help, either physical or financial
• crucially: straightforward children who sleep reasonably well and don’t have SN or health issues. This isn’t really something you can control or predict.

I take it you're both in jobs that can't do wfh?

If wfh is ruled out, can you move closer to work? Or change jobs and location so you're near work and family?

I understand about not wanting to take baby on the commute. I'd be worried about messing with nap times as they're bound to fall asleep in the car!

I hope by 'big job' we're talking C-suite or equivalent.
If not, this thread is a load of self-important twaddle.

Nanny
Moved closer to office