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Original poster

MIL put photos of my baby on Facebook without permission

347 replies

sasscass · 06/08/2022 13:04

Do any of you think this is really cheeky and disrespectful?
the day after my baby was born, my partner and I asked his parents to drop us off home from hospital and his mom slyly took a picture of our baby in her car seat and put it on her Facebook. It is set to friends only, as all her posts are, but that doesn’t mean anything since she has hundreds and hundreds of friends … none of which who I know or ever heard of. About 100 different people congratulated her on the birth of my baby and it made me uncomfortable.

im such a people pleaser and I find it hard to say no. It’s something I need to work on. But she didn’t even ask, and if she had then I would’ve told her no, not in a million years. She posted a picture of my partners little sister holding our baby when we went to visit a few days after she was born… yet again, no permission from me or my partner. My MIL and FIL live online, what they eat, what they are currently doing is ALL plastered on facebook. This is concerning since it’s a safety concern for my newborn, what about when (or if, at this rate) I FINALLY trust them enough to have her for the day and they post sensitive information about her?! Or they post a pic of her in her school uniform?! It is NOT okay.

my MIL and FIL are basically strangers to me so I’m not even okay with going round to visit them. They don’t address me, if they want permission to hold the baby they ask my partner. There’s no consideration or respect for me and my feelings. I feel pushed out and I feel like my baby isn’t even mine when I’m around the in laws.
i got pregnant, stupidly, 3 months into our relationship and I didn’t have time to get to know his family. They kept saying they would arrange something for us all to go out together and they never did. I’ve exchanged several sentences with his parents, never spoken to his siblings and that’s it.
i am very protective over my baby and I find it hard to share her, especially with people who I don’t know.
it’s damaging my mental health and I told my partner, he saw how upset I was and he said that he doesn’t have a problem with the pictures being posted online and so i need to say something if I have a problem with it. I understand that but I just know if I say something to his mother about the pictures then she will hate me… and if she dislikes me then I won’t be ok with leaving our baby with her. I don’t want to get on the wrong side of people, but I want and need to protect my daughter.

im not okay with it and I need to speak up. I don’t know why I find it so hard, as if I’m demanding too much for asking her to take the pictures down and to never post on social media about MY baby.

i just had to vent before I go ahead and send the message to her.
i wondered if anybody else had a similar issue with in laws being overbearing and/or doing things without permission? I feel so alone. This has caused arguments between me and my partner, I guess he takes it personally since it’s his family but I feel like my feelings don’t matter.

OP posts:
Original poster
sasscass · 06/08/2022 21:38

@itsgettingweird my partner doesn’t want to go round his family’s house much either, it’s not just me. And he would rather me be there with him and his baby, since I’m the mom, I’m not letting my 3 WEEK OLD go somewhere without me being there thank you very much. Such a dumb comment!

and his brother is a criminal. He has no emotions and refers to my daughter as “it”. I’d be a POS mother to let my baby go round there without my supervision.
know the full story before commenting rude baloney - goes for you and some of the other inconsiderate people on here. Have a good day x

OP posts:
Original poster
sasscass · 06/08/2022 21:42

@watermelonlipbalm you clearly haven’t seen people’s comments if you think that I’m being nasty, sarcastic and rude without people dishing it out first.
many people have shared their opinions whilst being friendly, I haven’t agreed with them but I ignored their responses since they were being pleasant. Others were hostile whilst sharing their opinions, and some disguised insults as “opinions”
im sick of people like you not reading before commenting. Don’t rub me up the wrong way and then I won’t be rude. DUH.

OP posts:
watermelonlipbalm · 06/08/2022 22:22

@sasscass I have read your thread and I don't plan on reading it again because it's exhausting.
Even your response to me "don't rub me up the wrong way"... literally so aggressive just because I don't agree with you and I've pulled you up for your attitude.
It's blatantly obvious what you're wanting to hear by making this thread and that is for people to agree with you. And if you want that then fine, but why post on aibu? You're never going to change your mind or engage with anyone in a respectful way if you don't agree with them so what are you even wanting from this thread?!

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watermelonlipbalm · 06/08/2022 22:30

Like many MANY people have said, if you have a problem with photos or photo sharing then YOU need to make that known in a respectful way. Nothing more or nothing less. If you aren't going to do that but then continue to be outraged about it then the only persons to blame is yourself.
There's nothing wrong with you not wanting photos to be posted online at all. But if you don't make that clear then that's not anyone else's fault.

You also made a comment about breastfeeding and the baby only being with you everywhere she goes due to this and until she's older.
What about your partner spending 121 time with the baby? Does he not get a say or some time or are you just controlling everything?
Ive breastfed two babies and toddlers. Although breast feeding obviously comes first as a priority it doesn't give you the right to not allow the baby to spend any time with anyone else.
It's perfectly reasonable to request time and space but you're being completely unrealistic and unfair to say she's staying with you all the time until she's older.

exnewwifeproblems · 06/08/2022 22:47

You need to speak up to your MIL and tell her you're not happy with photos of your baby on Facebook.

Congratulations.

Kite22 · 06/08/2022 22:54

watermelonlipbalm · 06/08/2022 22:22

@sasscass I have read your thread and I don't plan on reading it again because it's exhausting.
Even your response to me "don't rub me up the wrong way"... literally so aggressive just because I don't agree with you and I've pulled you up for your attitude.
It's blatantly obvious what you're wanting to hear by making this thread and that is for people to agree with you. And if you want that then fine, but why post on aibu? You're never going to change your mind or engage with anyone in a respectful way if you don't agree with them so what are you even wanting from this thread?!

Agree with this ^

However,
many people have shared their opinions whilst being friendly, I haven’t agreed with them but I ignored their responses since they were being pleasant.

No you haven't ignored them.

Kite22 · 06/08/2022 23:01

You have started so many threads over the las few weeks giving so much personal information on here, it seems strange that you are arguing so vehemently about your MiL putting a photo of her on her private FB page Confused

You do realise there are hundreds of thousands of posters registered with MN, even before the newspapers start trawling for stories ?

Maray1967 · 07/08/2022 01:03

I am not remotely anxious but I did not allow any pics of my DC on Facebook etc. My In laws are not into Facebook but all hell would have broken loose if they were and ignored what we said.

Maybeebebe · 07/08/2022 10:43

MIL put photos of my baby on Facebook without permission

sasscass · Yesterday 13:04

Do any of you think this is really cheeky and disrespectful?

No, not really personally unless I had specifically asked her not to

Derbee · 07/08/2022 11:34

Your latest posts make you sound like an American teenager. Is that the case? What support have you got access to where you are?

Calphurnia88 · 07/08/2022 11:39

Maybeebebe · 07/08/2022 10:43

MIL put photos of my baby on Facebook without permission

sasscass · Yesterday 13:04

Do any of you think this is really cheeky and disrespectful?

No, not really personally unless I had specifically asked her not to

MIL put photos of my baby on Facebook without permission MIL announced the birth of my new baby on Facebook

This ☝🏻 to me is the bigger issue.

Firstly, it's not her news to announce. What if OP had wanted to share the news with her family and friends on social media first? MIL has effectively robbed her of the chance to do this.

Secondly, OP has said she doesn't want to post her child on social media. Yes, MIL didn't know this but the polite thing to do would have been to check first. Not everybody wants every detail of their private lives posted about on social media, so for anyone who's in doubt about this you should always check first.

lljkk · 07/08/2022 11:57

pfffft...
thing is, OP doesn't own the event of the child's birth. Her DH nor her MIL doesn't own it. It's a change in everyone's life. They all get to "announce" it to their social circle at a timing of their comfort. Whether that's via phone calls, shouting on the street or a post on Instagram.

This whole privacy thing, who has "right to announce it" debate about stuff like this does my head in.

Maybeebebe · 07/08/2022 13:14

Calphurnia88 · 07/08/2022 11:39

MIL put photos of my baby on Facebook without permission MIL announced the birth of my new baby on Facebook

This ☝🏻 to me is the bigger issue.

Firstly, it's not her news to announce. What if OP had wanted to share the news with her family and friends on social media first? MIL has effectively robbed her of the chance to do this.

Secondly, OP has said she doesn't want to post her child on social media. Yes, MIL didn't know this but the polite thing to do would have been to check first. Not everybody wants every detail of their private lives posted about on social media, so for anyone who's in doubt about this you should always check first.

Show quote history

I was answering the question. I got tired reading all the op though

I do agree that only the parents do the announcements though.

Calphurnia88 · 07/08/2022 13:56

lljkk · 07/08/2022 11:57

pfffft...
thing is, OP doesn't own the event of the child's birth. Her DH nor her MIL doesn't own it. It's a change in everyone's life. They all get to "announce" it to their social circle at a timing of their comfort. Whether that's via phone calls, shouting on the street or a post on Instagram.

This whole privacy thing, who has "right to announce it" debate about stuff like this does my head in.

Respectfully disagree. Having recently birthed a baby and endured a difficult pregnancy and traumatic labour, I can confidently say that me and my OH 'own' this event more than anyone else.

Also in this instance, MIL's social circle was 100s of random 'friends' on social media. Depending on her privacy settings this could have been shared further.

Out of interest, would you say the same about someone's wedding?

lljkk · 07/08/2022 16:44

fwiw, short of someone asking me to keep the info private, if any of DC tell me about engagement I am happy about, I am not going to hold off telling other people who I think are interested. I would never tell my dad he wasn't allowed to let his sisters know when my babies were born (before I was on Facebook or sent out announcements). I would never tell DH he wasn't allowed to tell his mum if I got a new job. It wouldn't even cross my mind that only one or 2 people have a monopoly on mentioning these things, and that other people are supposed to vigilantly wait until they see evidence of a public announcement before the information can be shared.

I also can't hold with idea that images of people are default private.

Funny thing about my facebook is that (having 130+ 'friends' on there): I barely ever see any posts from them. I'd have to systematically scroll thru each and every page to see most their news. The Facebook algorithms only end up showing a sliver sample of recent posts, mixed with all the ads & group notices. I wonder what other people's FBk is like. Do others spend hours on FBk scrolling thru each person's info so will never miss any tiny detail. And then they have to remember who said what... does this effort require spreadsheets, I wonder.

DH was so bored by other people's lives that he muted all but about 15 (of ~200) people on his Facebook. He has no idea what the others post.

Calphurnia88 · 07/08/2022 17:04

lljkk · 07/08/2022 16:44

fwiw, short of someone asking me to keep the info private, if any of DC tell me about engagement I am happy about, I am not going to hold off telling other people who I think are interested. I would never tell my dad he wasn't allowed to let his sisters know when my babies were born (before I was on Facebook or sent out announcements). I would never tell DH he wasn't allowed to tell his mum if I got a new job. It wouldn't even cross my mind that only one or 2 people have a monopoly on mentioning these things, and that other people are supposed to vigilantly wait until they see evidence of a public announcement before the information can be shared.

I also can't hold with idea that images of people are default private.

Funny thing about my facebook is that (having 130+ 'friends' on there): I barely ever see any posts from them. I'd have to systematically scroll thru each and every page to see most their news. The Facebook algorithms only end up showing a sliver sample of recent posts, mixed with all the ads & group notices. I wonder what other people's FBk is like. Do others spend hours on FBk scrolling thru each person's info so will never miss any tiny detail. And then they have to remember who said what... does this effort require spreadsheets, I wonder.

DH was so bored by other people's lives that he muted all but about 15 (of ~200) people on his Facebook. He has no idea what the others post.

But your dad telling his sisters that you'd had a baby isn't the same as him posting an announcement on Facebook, is it?

Social media might not have existed back then, but surely you can see the difference between a private conversation between family members and a post on an online platform that could be seen by hundreds of random people?

Namechangehereandnow · 07/08/2022 19:30

OP, I can see your baby on one of your threads that you have put on mumsnet 🤔🤷‍♀️

SandyLanes · 07/08/2022 21:26

Have also just seen the picture of your daughter (and her poo) OP. 🙄

Original poster
sasscass · 07/08/2022 21:51

@Namechangehereandnow can you see her face? No. What’s your point then please?

OP posts:
Original poster
sasscass · 07/08/2022 21:53

@SandyLanes why are you still on this thread an entire day later?
you cannot see her face, and the point of mumsnet is to get SUPPORT and advice so if I had a concern that I couldn’t reach out to the health visitor about at that time I understandably came on here.
get a grip please. My daughter, my rules.

OP posts:
SandyLanes · 07/08/2022 22:03

Sorry OP, what rules are there that I can’t revisit a thread? I think it is you who should get a grip.

Kite22 · 07/08/2022 22:04

why are you still on this thread an entire day later?

People stay on the thread, because it pops up in 'Threads I am on' after they have posted on it, and it is interesting to see what other posters think / are saying.
No-one can choose who stays involved in a thread or not.

the point of mumsnet is to get SUPPORT and advice

........and different, objective opinions about all sorts of things both to do with parenting and nothing to do with parenting. Which you asked for, but then have become very aggressive when people have overwhelmingly not shared your opinion.

Derbee · 07/08/2022 22:39

sasscass · 07/08/2022 21:51

@Namechangehereandnow can you see her face? No. What’s your point then please?

It’s just a bit hypocritical. We all know what your baby’s poo looks like, what your vaginal discharge and blood looks like, the mm measurements of your nipples…..

BUT your MIL is inappropriate to post about puberty because its oversharing?!

PersonaNonGarter · 07/08/2022 22:39

OMG OP please stop this thread is going to do you so much harm.

You are not as in control as you believe. It’s one of the horrible realities of parenting. And this is getting you so aggro.

None of the posters on here really care very much, but you do and this is hurting you. Stop wasting your time on this subject.

MargotChateau · 07/08/2022 22:52

I’m with you @sasscass , my partner before we even were pregnant said he wanted a total ban on images of our child on social media, which when I read up on the safety aspect, and gen z and later children HATING their lives are online without access to removes said images, and I’m on board 💯

I know mil is going to kick up a massive stink when she finds out and will blame it on me, I can see this is as a future battle I’ll leave DH to sort out. Our baby our rules.

The french are very serious about children’s privacy on social media, perhaps some of your critics on here should research the topic a little before jumping in with pitchforks.