MIL put photos of my baby on Facebook without permission

[sasscass]

Do any of you think this is really cheeky and disrespectful?
the day after my baby was born, my partner and I asked his parents to drop us off home from hospital and his mom slyly took a picture of our baby in her car seat and put it on her Facebook. It is set to friends only, as all her posts are, but that doesn’t mean anything since she has hundreds and hundreds of friends … none of which who I know or ever heard of. About 100 different people congratulated her on the birth of my baby and it made me uncomfortable.

im such a people pleaser and I find it hard to say no. It’s something I need to work on. But she didn’t even ask, and if she had then I would’ve told her no, not in a million years. She posted a picture of my partners little sister holding our baby when we went to visit a few days after she was born… yet again, no permission from me or my partner. My MIL and FIL live online, what they eat, what they are currently doing is ALL plastered on facebook. This is concerning since it’s a safety concern for my newborn, what about when (or if, at this rate) I FINALLY trust them enough to have her for the day and they post sensitive information about her?! Or they post a pic of her in her school uniform?! It is NOT okay.

my MIL and FIL are basically strangers to me so I’m not even okay with going round to visit them. They don’t address me, if they want permission to hold the baby they ask my partner. There’s no consideration or respect for me and my feelings. I feel pushed out and I feel like my baby isn’t even mine when I’m around the in laws.
i got pregnant, stupidly, 3 months into our relationship and I didn’t have time to get to know his family. They kept saying they would arrange something for us all to go out together and they never did. I’ve exchanged several sentences with his parents, never spoken to his siblings and that’s it.
i am very protective over my baby and I find it hard to share her, especially with people who I don’t know.
it’s damaging my mental health and I told my partner, he saw how upset I was and he said that he doesn’t have a problem with the pictures being posted online and so i need to say something if I have a problem with it. I understand that but I just know if I say something to his mother about the pictures then she will hate me… and if she dislikes me then I won’t be ok with leaving our baby with her. I don’t want to get on the wrong side of people, but I want and need to protect my daughter.

im not okay with it and I need to speak up. I don’t know why I find it so hard, as if I’m demanding too much for asking her to take the pictures down and to never post on social media about MY baby.

i just had to vent before I go ahead and send the message to her.
i wondered if anybody else had a similar issue with in laws being overbearing and/or doing things without permission? I feel so alone. This has caused arguments between me and my partner, I guess he takes it personally since it’s his family but I feel like my feelings don’t matter.

@HellYeahAurora If you had seen the comments people had left then you wouldn’t be saying that.

my mil not asking for consent, which is wrong, so therefore she is the problem in this instance, has nothing to do with the fact that I’m standing up for myself

You're not really coming across as a people pleaser on this thread.

If they live their lives online then it won't have occurred to them that you don't want photos shared. You need to explain it to them and ask that they stop sharing photos on social media.

I agree with you OP and I’m guessing you’re a teen or slightly older?

I have teens and have seen the bullying from old photos, the children send hundreds of snaps to all and sundry and make a mockery of the children. I have seen far too many parents upset because their daughters pictures have ended up on porn sights, and in some cases are traceable.

I have witnessed this as a parent and got the police involved - whilst they spoke to the boy involved and he removed the pictures - he set up a fake account and did it to someone else.

I would imagine with being a younger person you have witnessed far more than I have. I don’t have my children in photos online unless ‘disguised’ backs of heads, shadow photos, long shots on the beach etc - and then very few!

Im glad this sort of thing is now being filtered through.

Speak up and let your wishes known before it’s too late.

I think if you put some effort into building a decent relationship with your partner's family then things will get easier all round.
I personally couldn't get upset about a newborn photo posted by a proud grandparent, she's their family too. But you'll find it much easier to set boundaries when you're all on the same page.

I don't always agree with everything my mil does but it comes from a good place. She has a heart of gold and would hate to upset me. I'd be lost without my mil and it makes me so sad to see how mil's are so often hated for not very much at all.

Wish you well op but I'd pick my battles and try to make a fresh start with them tbh.

@User2145738790 agreed. There’s no point continuing with it trying to get my point across if some people aren’t willing to listen.
And Thank you!

You've put a lot of personal detail on MN, OP, including your baby's exact birthdate and intimate details about your own postpartum body changes (info I'd never want published about me in real life).

If you don't want any pictures of your daughter on Facebook then politely ask people not to post her pictures there. It's not super unusual request.

You need to get some medical help for your anxiety op.

I think it's really weird to post pictures of children online who can't consent. The 'proud granny showing off' is irrelevant. She's not the parent.

Announcing the birth before you got the chance IS disrespectful. Maybe they should have asked before posting pictures on SM. BUT you simply need to tell them, calmly, that you don’t want them to do this and you’d like the ones they have posted removed. If they refuse then they are being unreasonable and you can report the pictures to Facebook.

However, maybe take a breath and think about what you are saying.

I do safeguarding training every year and, unless the child is at additional risk (eg fostered or adopted from an abusive situation, escaping domestic abuse etc), then SM photos are not a safeguarding issue. Have a look at any school website and you will see pictures of the children from that school. When your child starts school you will be asked to give permission for their picture to be used. If you say no then you must be aware that your child won’t be picked for parts in the nativity or other productions because it would be unfair on all the other children not to have the photos taken and put on the website or made available to the other class parents. Some schools take it so seriously that they don’t include those children in the class photos.

My DCs have had photos on DM, their school websites, the local paper and DD was even in magazine at 4 years old and a national newspaper at 11. They’ve both reached adulthood with no harm to either of them.

Congratulations to you and your partner on the birth of your daughter. Parenthood isn’t easy and it’s even harder without the support of family on both sides.

The same thing happened to me. MIL sharing pictures of my baby all the time on facebook. I'm not on Facebook so didn't know. She never asked my permission but apparently asked my DP. Anyway one day a stranger commented a laughing emoji and my MIL and DP asked if i knew the person. I said no. Turns out her account wasn't even private. I got really upset that all my baby's pictures were online for any Tom, Dick and Harry to see. I told my DP to tell her to take the pictures down. She did, and hasn't posted any pics if DD again.
If you're not comfortable with it, she should understand. I mean the pictures are for her to enjoy not her facebook friends.
btw i don't have a good relationship with my MIL but she still respects my wishes. And none of my family share pictures online either. Some people like to be private and that's ok

I’ve read the comments. That’s why I responded. You wanted clarity that you’re right, you haven’t had that unfortunately.

You do need to remember that this child is a part of her family. You may not be but the child is. You don’t want her to post pictures online. That’s fair enough, but the language you’ve used implies she’s a random stranger in the street sneaking photos. She sounds excited. Maybe now is the time to get to know her and manage her expectations.

I wish you well OP.

Why did mil feel she had to get a sly picture of the baby? How lovely if she had held the baby and someone taken a photo of her. Maybe in hindsight that would have been the opportunity to say no sm please.

My partner and I have decided that we don’t want our baby anywhere on social media for safety reasons.

We’d hope everyone would also respect this and if they didn’t, I personally would ask them to remove it.

No, she doesn’t sound overly anxious, just sensible.

To jump straight to diagnosing PND just because you couldn’t give a shit about a child’s right to privacy, is frankly astounding!

You’re the one with the problem here.

She may have done other things to annoy you, but confusing them all isn't helpful. The fact remains that as far as this incident is concerned, you had not communicated your preference to her, so she didn't realise that you didn't want photos up. Consequently this specific incident is not as heinous as you claim it to be.
If you ask her not to post photos, and she still does, then you have a right to be angry. But you didn't ask her, so she didn't know.

i read this story last week and I can’t imagine why anyone would allow their child to be on SM. People who don’t understand why privacy matters can’t be convinced. Just know that you are making the right decision for your own family. www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/lifestyle-buzz/a-controversy-over-major-momfluencer-wren-26-jacquelyn-sparks-a-campaign-over-child-predators-on-tiktok/ar-AAZX51H

Nobody wants to steal pictures of your baby. Your baby is not interesting to anyone but you and your family, and there are literally billions of pictures of babies openly available to anyone who wants to google them.

What do you mean "paedophilia"? You have no idea what you mean.

You don't own your childs image. They can post a picture of their grandchild if they want to. They don't actually need your consent to do so.
People looking at your baby doesn't harm your baby. Why do you want to be so nasty to your own kids grandparents?

How will she be in harms way ? From a pic on fb that's friends only anyway. Are they millionaires and you worry about kidnapping ? And what would the sensitive information be ? I genuinely don't understand your thinking. All I can add is This is definitely your first child !!

She shouldn't have to justify why she feels uncomfortable having her baby viewed online by strangers

Don't know if you realise this, but unless you have your baby locked in the basement, strangers view them every day, in real life! All day long, people can SEE your baby!

Oh the horror!

OP I have just searched your other threads after a pp mentioned it here - I think they were actually being kind to you when they said they were leaving this thread as a result.

I agree also with a poster above - you’re complaining massively here about your mil, yet you have given very detailed information, and a photo I might add, about your dd.

Genuinely, I wish you all the best. I’d try to not worry about your dd, her weight gain, poop etc - you have a beautiful daughter to nurture and love, times are always difficult in the early months, try to focus your energy on her, don’t look for negatives where there aren’t any. Trust yourself and your instincts - they’re usually right. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed and worry about everything, and with hormones all over the place our views and thoughts can get very skewered at times. I really would leave these threads and just enjoy your baby.

💐

I posted a pic of my first GC after they were born but asked his Mum if it would be ok first. I also have very tight privacy settings and less than 100 people. But it was easier for me to do it that way than send 100 messenger pics. It was also the only time.
Because I do respect my daughter in law.
The main issue here also is the fact that they treat you like a breeder. I made sure I really got to know my DIL before baby was born.
I would feel upset too if someone uses fb or social media to create a fake happy family narrative, to get more attention to look like a perfect nan, when in reality she is being disrespectful.
But then I cant stand people living life on social media.
Absolutely dont be a people pleaser be firm or you will have years of being told 'you are overacting etc' tough shit your life your rules.
I am all for safeguarding kids especially against attention seeking adults using pics in this way.

So being practical, I take loads of photos of my family when they are here & when we are all out. Great photos of the kids I send to their parents so that they decide if the images go up on FB etc. It is a workable transparent balance of capturing family memories to share & respecting the child’s privacy by deferring the decision to the parents.

So if ‘MiL’ feels compelled to take photos of baby, the only deal available is that she sends them to you & you post up on a FB etc where you manage the access to the level that you are comfortable with, e.g. grandparents, immediate family & trusted friends only.

I would ask her to take the photos off and not to do it again. Try not to let it spoil such a precious time in all of your lives.

I found so much when I went researching..
Don't have time at the moment but did a quick Google search, this is interesting
www.google.com/amp/s/amp.smh.com.au/national/millions-of-social-media-photos-found-on-child-exploitation-sharing-sites-20150929-gjxe55.html
In my national newspaper last week a man was arrested, he had thousands of images online, most of them had been taken from social media websites aswell..