MIL put photos of my baby on Facebook without permission

[sasscass]

Do any of you think this is really cheeky and disrespectful?
the day after my baby was born, my partner and I asked his parents to drop us off home from hospital and his mom slyly took a picture of our baby in her car seat and put it on her Facebook. It is set to friends only, as all her posts are, but that doesn’t mean anything since she has hundreds and hundreds of friends … none of which who I know or ever heard of. About 100 different people congratulated her on the birth of my baby and it made me uncomfortable.

im such a people pleaser and I find it hard to say no. It’s something I need to work on. But she didn’t even ask, and if she had then I would’ve told her no, not in a million years. She posted a picture of my partners little sister holding our baby when we went to visit a few days after she was born… yet again, no permission from me or my partner. My MIL and FIL live online, what they eat, what they are currently doing is ALL plastered on facebook. This is concerning since it’s a safety concern for my newborn, what about when (or if, at this rate) I FINALLY trust them enough to have her for the day and they post sensitive information about her?! Or they post a pic of her in her school uniform?! It is NOT okay.

my MIL and FIL are basically strangers to me so I’m not even okay with going round to visit them. They don’t address me, if they want permission to hold the baby they ask my partner. There’s no consideration or respect for me and my feelings. I feel pushed out and I feel like my baby isn’t even mine when I’m around the in laws.
i got pregnant, stupidly, 3 months into our relationship and I didn’t have time to get to know his family. They kept saying they would arrange something for us all to go out together and they never did. I’ve exchanged several sentences with his parents, never spoken to his siblings and that’s it.
i am very protective over my baby and I find it hard to share her, especially with people who I don’t know.
it’s damaging my mental health and I told my partner, he saw how upset I was and he said that he doesn’t have a problem with the pictures being posted online and so i need to say something if I have a problem with it. I understand that but I just know if I say something to his mother about the pictures then she will hate me… and if she dislikes me then I won’t be ok with leaving our baby with her. I don’t want to get on the wrong side of people, but I want and need to protect my daughter.

im not okay with it and I need to speak up. I don’t know why I find it so hard, as if I’m demanding too much for asking her to take the pictures down and to never post on social media about MY baby.

i just had to vent before I go ahead and send the message to her.
i wondered if anybody else had a similar issue with in laws being overbearing and/or doing things without permission? I feel so alone. This has caused arguments between me and my partner, I guess he takes it personally since it’s his family but I feel like my feelings don’t matter.

@Angelswithflirtyfaces can I just say, you are EXACTLY the type of mother in law most women dream of having. But unfortunately, many do not get.

This. When you take them out thousands of strangers see them ! Her mother in law has about a hundred friends on Facebook. What's the problem ? Unless they are naked photos of course which I very much doubt

I don't post pictures of my children on SM. It is true that paedophile do take children's pictures from SM, often editing the pictures and sharing. This is not the only issue for me You, it's the sharing of their personal details, opening them up to fraud, future bullying. You do need boundaries, right now it's presumably the babies full name, DOB and picture. Then will come the bath pictures, school uniform, home address, for many parents it's their weekly routine, where they'll be at any given time..

Yes. But do it nicely. It's exciting becoming a grandmother, and it's really not a time to fall out with someone over what boils down to a miscommunication on both sides. It's not helpful to you to have a fallout at this vulnerable time either.

So a simple "Sorry MIL. I meant to tell you that I'm uncomfortable about having any photos of (baby) on social media, because of stories I've heard about how penne might use them for purposes that scare me. Now that your friends have had time to see that one and congratulate you, could you delete it please, and not put anymore up? Obviously it's fine to show your friends photos of baby by passing your phone around like we did with paper photos, or email to your closest friends, but not on SM please"

Having said that, your DH doesn't agree with you about it so you do need to have a conversation with him and see if you can find a compromise.

Penne? People. I wish swype's autocorrect didn't think penne was a more likely word.

Did you post any photos or posts on social media of your baby?

Some of the replies here are cruel, why do some MNetters love to diagnose new mums with PND? As if they don't have enough to feel anxious about without you all playing armchair doctor for cheap thrills.

@sasscass I can empathise with your concerns, but moreso on the unsolicited posting about your baby's birth on social media. I chose not to announce my baby's birth on SM so would have been annoyed if a family member, especially one I didn't have a close relationship with, did this. Regardless of whether or not they're related, it's not their news to share without your consent.

I would explain how you feel to your partner and ask him to speak to his parents. Whilst I don't think it's a safeguarding issue now, I would be concerned that PIL may post photos at nursery/in school uniform/at a park they visit regularly, which could be a safeguarding issue in the future.

MIL can still be a proud granny without posting about it on social media to her hundreds of random 'friends'... I don't understand the mentality of sharing everything online (and this is why younger generations are leaving FB by the bucketload; we don't care what Auntie Maureen had for tea last night or that Brenda from down the road checked in at The Slug and Lettuce).

This is something for you and your partner to sort out. There will be lots of conversations along the way about how you want to parent. If you’d like one of your parenting rules to be that photos of your child are not shared online (totally reasonable), then you and your partner need to have a chat about whether you both want that rule and how you’re going to manage it. If you can get ahead on other parenting rules and chat them through soon it will be much easier to face them together… what foods is baby going to eat, how much screen time as a toddler etc. Discussing these rules and when to make allowances with grandparents makes it all so much easier. I don’t allow social media pics of my kids but me and DH spoke about it before baby was born and we manage it as a team and support each other. We also got pregnant after 3 months together so that isn’t a reason in itself not to have these conversations as a couple. Good luck.

@WhimsicalGubbins ha ha thank you but I really try to make an effort. My own MIL is useless, totally not interested in me. I was determined to not be like her.
The OP is getting a lot of grief on here, but no solutions and its a shame. Women used to support each other more. The OP is struggling whatever happened to sisterhood?

@saraclara that is good advice firm with a good explanation

Actually I can agree !
she has no right she is your baby and u want her to stay safe !!!
I wouldn’t want my baby on the internet either xx

Hi OP. When my daughter was born in I had a tendency to catastrophise - some pretty illogical stuff wen through my head. It sounds, to me at least, that this could be happening to you. I'm not criticising, please just try to let it go for a few minutes at a time.

Why is it up to her partner to explain? It's her issue, she needs to own it and discuss it with her in laws.

Can you explain exactly what the problem is with posting pics of a newborn baby to friends?
You are throwing words like dangerous and harm into your posts, without actually defining what the issue might be and where this danger and harm might come from.
I have come across a lot of parents who seem the think that their child is in grave danger because they have appeared online, but have never yet met one who could define what the issue actually was.

I feel really bad for your partner OP, you sound like a nightmare. As someone mentioned earlier, you knew your MIL is a frequent social media poster so why not have this conversation before your child was born? Or at least bring it up with your partner. Baffling. Still, your responses to anyone who disagrees with you are funny so thanks!

Whilst I don't share your views about social media I think it's reasonable to set your own limits.

You are unreasonable to expect your in laws to read your mind.

You need to communicate your wishes to them. Don't do it by text. Speak to them then you can be sure you've been clear and check they understand.

You know that MIL is a woman too, yes? Or are MILs expelled from the sisterhood as soon as their sons get married?

You need to not leave the house ever!! Don't let anyone, any stranger ever see that baby!! 🙄

@sasscass You have mentioned, a few times, "your permission"

Is this the first time that you have ever been in a position where you feel you have permission to bestow?

i think the answer to this is "yes" and maybe you're getting a little bit carried away with the sense of your own importance.

It wouldn't bother me
Id not be conflating it to be some act of undermining or disrespectful behaviour
Id consider why your reaction is quite so strong to it but your baby your rules so if you not comfortable with future photos you need to tell them

@SandyLanes wise of you to assume that I hadn’t brought it up before. Because I had.
i didn’t have the conversation with them about posting my daughter on social media but they know very well what my boundaries and views are because it has all been mentioned, either by my partner or through text.
my partner knew every little thing that was going through my mind throughout pregnancy so he knows all about it.

have a good laugh all you want, I’m not any less better off so enjoy yourself.
don’t waste any of your precious energy feeling bad for my partner, he can’t be feeling bad for himself because he seems to obsessed and clingy with me for that to be the case.

@MissHavershamJoinsTinder my child, my rules. I’m afraid I am important when it comes to where my child’s pictures get distributed to without my consent, because it’s in my daughters best interests.

When you're still just days postpartum just focus on eating and sleeping (you and baby).

Nothing else is worth your emotional energy at this stage.

Haha, those last few sentences made my day! Thank you for the kind words. I find it disgusting how people throw diagnoses around, really demeaning to those who actually suffer from it. I appreciate your response x

Is the obsession with strangers (who are all dangerous) seeing the baby the reason behind all the prams being permanently covered with blankets/muslins despite the fact that this is genuinely dangerous (cooking your baby)?

I loved it when people looked into the pram and cooed over my DCs. I had raincovers for the rain and parasols for the sun.