MIL put photos of my baby on Facebook without permission

[sasscass]

Do any of you think this is really cheeky and disrespectful?
the day after my baby was born, my partner and I asked his parents to drop us off home from hospital and his mom slyly took a picture of our baby in her car seat and put it on her Facebook. It is set to friends only, as all her posts are, but that doesn’t mean anything since she has hundreds and hundreds of friends … none of which who I know or ever heard of. About 100 different people congratulated her on the birth of my baby and it made me uncomfortable.

im such a people pleaser and I find it hard to say no. It’s something I need to work on. But she didn’t even ask, and if she had then I would’ve told her no, not in a million years. She posted a picture of my partners little sister holding our baby when we went to visit a few days after she was born… yet again, no permission from me or my partner. My MIL and FIL live online, what they eat, what they are currently doing is ALL plastered on facebook. This is concerning since it’s a safety concern for my newborn, what about when (or if, at this rate) I FINALLY trust them enough to have her for the day and they post sensitive information about her?! Or they post a pic of her in her school uniform?! It is NOT okay.

my MIL and FIL are basically strangers to me so I’m not even okay with going round to visit them. They don’t address me, if they want permission to hold the baby they ask my partner. There’s no consideration or respect for me and my feelings. I feel pushed out and I feel like my baby isn’t even mine when I’m around the in laws.
i got pregnant, stupidly, 3 months into our relationship and I didn’t have time to get to know his family. They kept saying they would arrange something for us all to go out together and they never did. I’ve exchanged several sentences with his parents, never spoken to his siblings and that’s it.
i am very protective over my baby and I find it hard to share her, especially with people who I don’t know.
it’s damaging my mental health and I told my partner, he saw how upset I was and he said that he doesn’t have a problem with the pictures being posted online and so i need to say something if I have a problem with it. I understand that but I just know if I say something to his mother about the pictures then she will hate me… and if she dislikes me then I won’t be ok with leaving our baby with her. I don’t want to get on the wrong side of people, but I want and need to protect my daughter.

im not okay with it and I need to speak up. I don’t know why I find it so hard, as if I’m demanding too much for asking her to take the pictures down and to never post on social media about MY baby.

i just had to vent before I go ahead and send the message to her.
i wondered if anybody else had a similar issue with in laws being overbearing and/or doing things without permission? I feel so alone. This has caused arguments between me and my partner, I guess he takes it personally since it’s his family but I feel like my feelings don’t matter.

@felulageller i agree. It’s just so overwhelming when people ask to see the baby, and arrange meet ups and all of this is going on behind my back so I have no clue what is happening. I did message mil and tell her that I want the time for me and the baby and she complied but judging by what was said to other family members after I sent the message proved that she was far from happy with me 😬

@Madamecastafiore going out and strangers seeing your baby is different. Going out and giving your child a life is a necessity, posting every move you make on social media is new age BS. Kids being posted on social media isn’t necessary, kids going out to see the world is.
Think of what you are saying before you post because what you wrote makes no sense whatsoever.

Yes....I hope an invisibility cloak was on the baby shower gift list.

Drama

@countvoncount read my above comments before making a remark like that 😬

@NippyWoowoo LOL

I’m resurfacing this before anybody else makes any stupid comments.

I've read your comments...all of them.
Still think that this is extreme paranoia, chill, seriously.

OP I was actually sticking up for you so please no attacks. MIL's get a bad press, but sometimes they have challenging DIL's we should ALL support each other, agree that whatever the situation you have made your point, know how to proceed while getting sympathy in the process so now chill out. All this anger and mis directed angst is not good for your baby. Thats what really matters isnt it?

@sasscass this isn’t about photos or MILs or security etc. You sound like you’re struggling with your newborn, and your anxiety is through the roof. Can you approach your midwifery team and ask for some support?

I’m sorry about that, I must’ve misinterpreted your reply or I replied to the wrong person.

i have gone through pages and I can’t see where I replied to you? Has my reply been removed?

I only read the first post.
I don't imagine anyone sharing my baby pictures/info about them etc in social media without asking first. Especially if OP didn't have a chance to do it herself if she wished, quite rediculous.
I would politely ask MIL to remove it, and not post anything in the future. I'm pretty sure you can report pictures of your baby to facebook and they should remove it.
If MIL will have a problem with it, and you let her do her thing, in the future she will always ignore you in matters important to you. So stick to it, and get your partner on board.

I think you need to put in boundaries with your mil. She arranged visits without consulting you? It wasn’t up to her to arrange these. I would not be happy with the pictures on social media, so I think you need to have serious words. You do need your dp to be absolute on board, tho, as he could quite easily decide that it’s fine. If you aren’t happy with your mil’s response, then she can’t be allowed to have the baby alone because she WILL take photos. It took one family member several times to reinforce to another that she would not accept having her dc plastered all over social media. I think the parents have the choice and right to say no. Just make sure your dp agrees: presumable knows his mum spoke about his puberty on social media (how weird!)

Exactly! You have written exactly what I have tried to say so many times to posts such as these, but haven't quite got the words right.
I think the self-important response you got says it all really.

Why don’t you just tell them no photos and don’t visit them. You have been very clear on this thread, so be clear to them.

@sasscass - I understand why you feel the way you do about internet/social media privacy for your baby, but I think where you were unreasonable was in not being clear about this with your PIL.

Of course your MIL is an excited, thrilled grandmother - I’ve just been made a granny for the first time, so I absolutely understand her excitement. I have been very careful about making sure I followed my son and daughter in law’s lead on sharing photographs and baby news. Where I wasn’t sure, I asked them first.

But they knew, well ahead of time, that I could be trusted not to splash private information around, whereas you knew your MIL was a chronic over-sharer, so it would have been best to set your boundaries before the baby was born. But it isn’t too late to do it now - if I were you, I’d send her a message along these lines:

Dear MIL,

I love how thrilled you are at X’s birth, and how much you love her, but I am worried about having photos of her on social media. I don’t want her to grow up and find that every minute of her babyhood has been shared with people who are total strangers to her. And I worry about photos falling into the wrong hands - people whose job is safeguarding children say that it is best not to share photos of them, willy nilly.

We want to be able to share photos with you, and so we are asking you not to share the photos we send you, or any that you take, on your social media. Whipping your phone out to show photos to friends in person is fine, but not letting people who are strangers to us see pictures of our baby. I hope you can respect our wishes in this matter.

Love @sasscass.

Op I think you have every right to have the decision on what is posted online about your child it's very hard to enforce a no photos policy on social media as she grows up what about friends birthday parties etc? I totally respect your decision I have a DD and have no issue with her being posted on social media within reason so if I wasn't happy I would reach out and you definitely should explain to your mil ! However in your original post it's almost as if your looking for a reason for her not to be alone with your daughter as there was several different reasons I get it birth is overwhelming just focus on your new born baby bubble and don't speculate I did the same but honestly I find it easier now not to guess about issues and then just deal with them when they come up congratulations on your baby

OP, your mil should have sought permission from you and dp first but don’t let it ruin your relationship with her,

I have 4 dcs including triplets, 2 of which are identical and I have lost count of the times I have seen random photos of my 4 dcs on Instagram taken by complete strangers without our knowledge.

Just reading through some of the OP responses and I find it very odd how someone can come on here and ask for an opinion and then when people share opinions which don't meet hers she's rude, sarcastic, patronising in response.

These AIBU threads are so annoying. WHY ask if you only want to hear your own opinion!

By all means post and have a rant but don't ask the question if you don't want to hear any ones else's point of view!!!!

Yeah I agree that this wasn’t suitable for AIBU.

This would be better off in Relationships under ‘I am feeling vulnerable about my new baby’.

I sympathise with OP in that worrying is just part of being a new parent, but calling a new grandparent ‘sly’ for taking a picture is just plain nasty.

OP I completely agree with you. Many of my friends don't post any photos of their children on social media and I'll also do the same.

This is you and your partners child not theirs and you both get to decide how much you both want to share.

Also the birth announcement was yours to make, not hers. Maybe you wanted a week of peace and quiet to soak it all in before getting messages. I know I will.

Good luck with your chat. I hope she can be compassionate and see your side.x

No problem 😊 I recently became a mum for the first time too so I can understand how you are feeling. Birth is such an intense experience, and for the first couple of weeks I just wanted to be in the crazy, hazy bubble of my new little family. I'm sure your MIL meant no ill intent, but it wasn't her place to share your news in such a public way.

Please try to ignore the negative comments on here and enjoy your new baby x

Gosh - if you're as aggressive in RL as you are coming across here I'd imagine your MIL will very quickly keep her distance from you.

Let your DP take baby round there and you keep your distance.

Probably better for all involved.

Also o did t see anywhere but may have missed it - are you and your partner not posting any baby pics online either?

@itsgettingweird I’m not going to go on like a broken record when I’ve said it 100 times in my replies to people.
look at how nasty some people have been and tell me that it’s not justified for me to be nasty back.
if people talk down to me then I will return the gesture. What’s hard to understand?

and to tell a mother to a newborn baby to keep her distance is sick. Why would a new mother leave her baby anywhere?

she is going to be breastfed thank you very much. She’s not going anywhere without me until she’s old enough.

no. We aren’t posting pictures.