MIL put photos of my baby on Facebook without permission

[sasscass]

Do any of you think this is really cheeky and disrespectful?
the day after my baby was born, my partner and I asked his parents to drop us off home from hospital and his mom slyly took a picture of our baby in her car seat and put it on her Facebook. It is set to friends only, as all her posts are, but that doesn’t mean anything since she has hundreds and hundreds of friends … none of which who I know or ever heard of. About 100 different people congratulated her on the birth of my baby and it made me uncomfortable.

im such a people pleaser and I find it hard to say no. It’s something I need to work on. But she didn’t even ask, and if she had then I would’ve told her no, not in a million years. She posted a picture of my partners little sister holding our baby when we went to visit a few days after she was born… yet again, no permission from me or my partner. My MIL and FIL live online, what they eat, what they are currently doing is ALL plastered on facebook. This is concerning since it’s a safety concern for my newborn, what about when (or if, at this rate) I FINALLY trust them enough to have her for the day and they post sensitive information about her?! Or they post a pic of her in her school uniform?! It is NOT okay.

my MIL and FIL are basically strangers to me so I’m not even okay with going round to visit them. They don’t address me, if they want permission to hold the baby they ask my partner. There’s no consideration or respect for me and my feelings. I feel pushed out and I feel like my baby isn’t even mine when I’m around the in laws.
i got pregnant, stupidly, 3 months into our relationship and I didn’t have time to get to know his family. They kept saying they would arrange something for us all to go out together and they never did. I’ve exchanged several sentences with his parents, never spoken to his siblings and that’s it.
i am very protective over my baby and I find it hard to share her, especially with people who I don’t know.
it’s damaging my mental health and I told my partner, he saw how upset I was and he said that he doesn’t have a problem with the pictures being posted online and so i need to say something if I have a problem with it. I understand that but I just know if I say something to his mother about the pictures then she will hate me… and if she dislikes me then I won’t be ok with leaving our baby with her. I don’t want to get on the wrong side of people, but I want and need to protect my daughter.

im not okay with it and I need to speak up. I don’t know why I find it so hard, as if I’m demanding too much for asking her to take the pictures down and to never post on social media about MY baby.

i just had to vent before I go ahead and send the message to her.
i wondered if anybody else had a similar issue with in laws being overbearing and/or doing things without permission? I feel so alone. This has caused arguments between me and my partner, I guess he takes it personally since it’s his family but I feel like my feelings don’t matter.

[saraclara]

@MargotChateau

I’m with you @sasscass , my partner before we even were pregnant said he wanted a total ban on images of our child on social media, which when I read up on the safety aspect, and gen z and later children HATING their lives are online without access to removes said images, and I’m on board 💯

I know mil is going to kick up a massive stink when she finds out and will blame it on me, I can see this is as a future battle I’ll leave DH to sort out. Our baby our rules.

The french are very serious about children’s privacy on social media, perhaps some of your critics on here should research the topic a little before jumping in with pitchforks.

But OP didn't actually tell her MIL not to post pictures. THAT'S what we're finding unreasonable. MIL hasn't defied her, because she wasn't asked in the first place.

If parents feel strongly about this, they have to communicate it before the baby arrives. If they don't do that, then they can't kick off the first time it happens, as OP wants to. They just need to calmly and pleasantly say that going forward, they don't want any further photos on SM.

[Kite22]

Exactly Saraclara

[BorderlineObsessedWithYou]

@saraclara

But OP didn't actually tell her MIL not to post pictures. THAT'S what we're finding unreasonable. MIL hasn't defied her, because she wasn't asked in the first place.

If parents feel strongly about this, they have to communicate it before the baby arrives. If they don't do that, then they can't kick off the first time it happens, as OP wants to. They just need to calmly and pleasantly say that going forward, they don't want any further photos on SM.

In my opinion the default shouldn’t be that you are allowed to post photos of other people’s children though. The default should be that you don’t, and if you want to, you ask.

That's because harm comes from not posting photos online but it can cause harm if you do. There are certain things I presume people don’t do without asking and this is one of them.

[BorderlineObsessedWithYou]

*That's because NO harm comes from not posting photos online but it can cause harm if you do.

[SuperPets]

@Calphurnia88

MIL put photos of my baby on Facebook without permission MIL announced the birth of my new baby on Facebook

This ☝🏻 to me is the bigger issue.

Firstly, it's not her news to announce. What if OP had wanted to share the news with her family and friends on social media first? MIL has effectively robbed her of the chance to do this.

Secondly, OP has said she doesn't want to post her child on social media. Yes, MIL didn't know this but the polite thing to do would have been to check first. Not everybody wants every detail of their private lives posted about on social media, so for anyone who's in doubt about this you should always check first.

Of course it's her news! She has a new grandchild, and she wants to tell her friends, that's a completely normal thing to do. The OP doesn't know any of her boyfriends mothers friends, so she can't announce it to them, can she?

The idea that granny needs to shut up and sit in a corner is pretty rude actually.

[SuperPets]

@sasscass

@MissHavershamJoinsTinder my child, my rules. I’m afraid I am important when it comes to where my child’s pictures get distributed to without my consent, because it’s in my daughters best interests.

The real point is that its NOT your rules. Your consent is not actually required. You need to understand this, so that when you ASK people not to share, you won't sound like a complete tit who doesn't understand how any of it works.

[Namechangehereandnow]

@sasscass

@Namechangehereandnow can you see her face? No. What’s your point then please?

No need to be rude or aggressive 🙄 My point obviously is that you have put up a photo of your baby, despite all your concerns and reasons why this shouldn’t be done, you’ve still done it! You’re complaining about MIL posting photos of your dd and you didn’t want her to do this (but didn’t actually tell her this beforehand), due to paedophiles etc - do you think paedos need a full face picture?? On this picture alone they see a tiny new baby … that’s enough. …

This is one of my previous posts to you which you seemed to have just bypassed -

OP I have just searched your other threads after a pp mentioned it here - I think they were actually being kind to you when they said they were leaving this thread as a result.
^^
I agree also with a poster above - you’re complaining massively here about your mil, yet you have given very detailed information, and a photo I might add, about your dd.
^^
Genuinely, I wish you all the best. I’d try to not worry about your dd, her weight gain, poop etc - you have a beautiful daughter to nurture and love, times are always difficult in the early months, try to focus your energy on her, don’t look for negatives where there aren’t any. Trust yourself and your instincts - they’re usually right. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed and worry about everything, and with hormones all over the place our views and thoughts can get very skewered at times. I really would leave these threads and just enjoy your baby.
^^
^^
💐

[Pandapop3]

OP, if it helps my MIL did a similar thing. Unfortunately, at the time our baby was still under icu care so she announced to the world our baby's birth when we were living in fear of getting some bad news. Terrible timing and very selfish as Dh hadn't even told his father yet (they're divorced).
The thing is if you have a good/OK relationship with your in laws you can't imagine how OP is feeling. In the early days, you just want to know your baby is safe and healthy plus its very easy to forget those post partum hormones.
I would start off the conversation by thanking her for her help and mentioning that from now on you would like photos of baby to stay offline. But also perhaps mention that you would like to create a photobook for your in laws so by all means send pics across to you so you can include everyone in it.
You're a parent now OP and that means not everyone will agree with your parenting decisions but at the end of the day it's your baby so be prepared to feel unpopular. In fairness to your MIL, she might not even realise she's doing anything wrong. Many of that generation are oblivious to online concerns.
Good luck.

[Calphurnia88]

@SuperPets

Of course it's her news! She has a new grandchild, and she wants to tell her friends, that's a completely normal thing to do. The OP doesn't know any of her boyfriends mothers friends, so she can't announce it to them, can she?

The idea that granny needs to shut up and sit in a corner is pretty rude actually.

But she's not just telling friends is she? She's announcing it on her Facebook page, which 100s of people (or more depending on her privacy settings). Are you aware how Facebook works?

I don't understand what people aren't getting about this but here's another example. My friends MIL did the same thing. My friend was settling in with her new baby (not to mention recovering from labour) and suddenly she was being inundated with calls and messages from people who had seen the post on her MIL's Facebook page. This included my friends own friends and relatives, who she had wanted to share the news with herself when she was ready in a few days.

I can only assume there are a lot of entitled grannies (and technophobes) on this thread.

[Calphurnia88]

*100s of people can see.

[chilliesandspices]

To be fair to the people who disagreed with you, you asked for an opinion.

[monicagellerbing]

All newborns look like a potato I'm sure nobody on her Facebook page gives a shit OP. Massive overreaction

[YRGAM]

Absolutely ridiculous overreaction

[SuperPets]

@Calphurnia88

But she's not just telling friends is she? She's announcing it on her Facebook page, which 100s of people (or more depending on her privacy settings). Are you aware how Facebook works?

I don't understand what people aren't getting about this but here's another example. My friends MIL did the same thing. My friend was settling in with her new baby (not to mention recovering from labour) and suddenly she was being inundated with calls and messages from people who had seen the post on her MIL's Facebook page. This included my friends own friends and relatives, who she had wanted to share the news with herself when she was ready in a few days.

I can only assume there are a lot of entitled grannies (and technophobes) on this thread.

Yes, I know how FB works. I know, unlike you, that everyone added to your fb are known as "friends". So yes, she is telling all her FB friends.
Probably a bad idea to call people technophobes when you don't get the basics. And you don't understand that those "entitled grannies" are in fact fully entitled to put their grandkids picture wherever they like.

I personally would never post a picture of anyone elses child. Not least because I couldn't be less interested in them. But I could, if I wanted to.

When will parents understand that they don't own their childs image, no matter how much they think they should?

[Calphurnia88]

@SuperPets

Yes, I know how FB works. I know, unlike you, that everyone added to your fb are known as "friends". So yes, she is telling all her FB friends.
Probably a bad idea to call people technophobes when you don't get the basics. And you don't understand that those "entitled grannies" are in fact fully entitled to put their grandkids picture wherever they like.

I personally would never post a picture of anyone elses child. Not least because I couldn't be less interested in them. But I could, if I wanted to.

When will parents understand that they don't own their childs image, no matter how much they think they should?

I work in social media so I know what FB friends are 🤦🏻‍♀️ and I would hazard a guess that if someone has 100s of them then they're not all their 'friends' in real life.

Whatever terminology you want to use, she has announced on a public platform to 100s of 'people' (let's call them for simplicity) that her DS/DIL have had a baby. Supposing they live in the same area, or have friends in common, this might mean that some of these 'people' are friends or relatives that DS/DIL had hoped to share the news with in person or on the phone, but instead they've found out through a Facebook post that can be viewed by 100s of other people.

If you don't see why that would be annoying for DS/DIL then I'm glad I'm not related to you. Genuinely.

Defending your right to post photos of children that aren't your own online is a weird hill to die on, so I'm going to bow out of this conversation now 👋🏻

[SuperPets]

Defending your right to post photos of children that aren't your own online is a weird hill to die on, so I'm going to bow out of this conversation now

Way to miss the point. I'm not defending any right (and already said I wouldn'#t do it) I'm simply informing you that you are wrong, and they do have every right.

Stating a truth is not defending a position. I'm not giving my opinion, I'm stating a fact. I'm sorry you cant tell the difference (you're probably spent too much time on social media)

[CountryGirl189]

What SOME 👀 people need to realise on here, is that grandparents, by law have zero rights.

It was not her news to announce, regardless of who she was announcing to and out of pure respect, she should have waited until she got the green light to go plastering the baby all over social media.

Bar the fact that the internet is a weird, weird place nowadays - trust me, I’m in social media law and some of the things I come across in my day to day work is chilling and disgusting.

[SuperPets]

@CountryGirl189

What SOME 👀 people need to realise on here, is that grandparents, by law have zero rights.

It was not her news to announce, regardless of who she was announcing to and out of pure respect, she should have waited until she got the green light to go plastering the baby all over social media.

Bar the fact that the internet is a weird, weird place nowadays - trust me, I’m in social media law and some of the things I come across in my day to day work is chilling and disgusting.

I think its you that needs to realise, GP's do have the right to post pics of the grandchildren. Because anyone has the right to post pics of anyone, if not for commercial purposes or that are otherwise illegal.

The kids grandmother can post a pic of OP's kid, because so can I. So can you. So can anyone

[CountryGirl189]

@SuperPets you do realise it’s an offence to post pictures of other people’s children without consent, related or not? 😂😂

I hope for your sake you’re not doing so 👀 if so, I’d highly recommend reading up on media law my sweet 😉

[Tillsforthrills]

@CountryGirl189

@SuperPets you do realise it’s an offence to post pictures of other people’s children without consent, related or not? 😂😂

I hope for your sake you’re not doing so 👀 if so, I’d highly recommend reading up on media law my sweet 😉

So the Grandma could be prosecuted?

[Rapidtango]

CountryGirl189, could you advise which law covers the issue, thanks.

[MargotChateau]

@Rapidtango

Under Article 8 of the European Convention on Human Rights a person has a right to respect for their private and family life, home and correspondence.
Accordingly, it might be possible to argue the taking and posting of photographs without consent could infringe the Article 8 right to privacy of the child.

Social media sharing apps like Facebook and Instagram have a report feature where you can report images of your child that you do not consent to be online, by providing proof they are your child and the social media company will then remove them and send the poster a warning. My friend had to do this who was in an almost identical situation to the op (@sasscass )

In France it is even more strict,
Article 226-1 of the criminal code (Code pénal) makes violating the intimate private life of others by posing, recording or transmitting a persons image in private setting without their consent a crime punishable by a year of imprisonment and €45,000 fine. Children can sue their parents for sharing their life on social media.

I personally won’t be sharing images of my child online (my partners wishes, but I also agree), and his mother is definitely going to go bat shit when she realises her son made this rule, not me the evil dil. But if she does it anyway, my partner will just make a report and have them removed. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I can only imagine this thread is full of entitled MILs because only someone entitled would think that basic manners don’t apply to them instead of asking before announcing a birth on social media before the parents, or posting images of a baby online without permission….
Sorry op, I’m really horrified by most of the replies to your post on here

[Rapidtango]

Margot, thank you.

[SpotlessMind88]

@MargotChateau well said

[MargotChateau]

Thank you @SpotlessMind88 I was really taken aback by the responses to the op.

With more awareness of the risks of posting children on social media, the younger generation who have grown up having their lives documented from birth on SM voicing their discomfort with this and their difficulty in removing images of themselves from the internet and lastly that the final decision always rests with the parents, my jaw was on the floor ready most replies on this thread.