why do you send your child to boarding school?

[FunnysInLaJardin]

Not wishing to be inflammatory and not really an AIBU, but honestly wondering why any parent would at any age send their DC to boarding school.

Aside from forces children, why would you do it?

I have a colleague at work who is sending her child in year 9, and have known lots of kids and parents who have been, but to me as a parent it is unfathomable.

One colleagues daughter really wanted to go to day school here, and he wouldn't hear of it. It was boarding at all costs.

Aside from the sheer cost, doesn't the emotional apspect bother you? A school cannot parent a teen or child like a parent can.

Really interested in a different perspective

I knew this woman who went to boarding school because her father got arrested for traficking heavy-drugs and got a mighty sentence too. Her mum didn't want her to be bullied at school as it was a small place where everybody knew each other.
I knew she'd gone to boarding school but it was friend of hers who disclosed the rest as she didn't tell anyone about he dad. Her story was that the mum didn't have the time to parent as she'd started a new business...

Sounds awful. I know people who went at a younger age. It's worse when other parents try to convince you that it's the right decision. I will never send my children away.

It’s not something I could ever fathom doing either. I know a couple and neither of them work and their daughter age 11 is.now at boarding school. She doesn’t even come home at weekends anymore.
I think most children who go, don’t really have parents who are around much anyway, and the bond And relationship has never been developed.
There’s time when I wish I could send mine off for a few days but it would devastate me not to be able to parent them and have the lovely special times we have as a family. Just the simple things like watching tele together or picking them up from school and getting an ice Cream on the way home.
its Such a brief moment in their lives too, I would never want to miss out on it .

If you are a full time working parent boarding can work very effectively for you to focus on your career.

Well, after I read all the Mallory Towers books at 11, I asked to go. My parents said it was either that or having a roof over our heads and our summer camping holidays (which I loved). No brainer!

My DH went when he was 12, turning 13. He “chose” to go to “get away from his parents”. (But he chose it from the selection of two or three very selective private and / or boarding schools that he was offered.)

He hated it, was bullied, but wouldn’t ask if he could leave - he thought he had to stay because it would “make him a better person” to grit his teeth and endure it.

It took him until his early 40s before he realised how fucked up that perspective was.

His older brother, who “suited” and “liked” boarding school was groomed by a teacher. I am not kidding. Police were involved.

DH’s parents are wealthy-ish Londoners. Classist and snobby. They sent their children so that their kids could belong to a particular class and live a particular life (city bankers, money) and meet lots of “useful contacts”.

DH isn’t like that at all and - for him - boarding school was awful. I would say he suffers from boarding school syndrome. And his parents, although they love him and act supportive, are clearly a bit disappointed that he isn’t the sort of man they hoped he’d be (rich, influential).

We would NEVER dream of sending our children to boarding school. I went to a state school and DH envies my teenage experience when I tell stories about my mates and what we got up to and how my dad would drive us all to concerts etc.

Mind you, my school was crap. My friends were great but my education absolutely wasn’t! My school felt a bit like a very boring daytime prison.

Still, I would NEVER send my children to boarding school. I don’t even think I’d do private school because they’re not great for society. I do wish mainstream schools would do things differently though.

When I was 10 it was suggested that I go to boarding school. My dad was planning to take custody and he worked full-time so I guess that was the rationale. But I was terrified and insulted at the idea he wanted to send me away to live full-time at school - my worst nightmare!
Imagine if you couldn't go home and had to live in the office!

My husband went to Malborough and absolutely loved it. Made life longs friends who he still sees today. In fact, his best man was a "chum" from school. It was mixed ed and it gave him a good education. It also taught him self-confidence and to be independent.

A friend’s 3 eldest go to boarding school. They’re a farming family so once you reach high school age it’s just what you do, there is no local high school.

They all love it and are thriving! They’re all performing at top level academically and in sports. They get fantastic opportunities.

Theyre always home for all the school holidays, parents visit often for sporting events and awards ceremonies etc. plus face time, texting, phone calls etc.

Theyre a really close loving family.

My DD always says she’d love to go to boarding school, her favourite films are Harry Potter and Wild Child so that may have something to do with it! 😆

What's the point of having kids though? You can't have it all if you want a high flying career go for it. You have your priorities wrong though suggesting if you work full time... lots of people do and don't have the money for boarding school.

There's no amount of money or job status that comes before my kid. I think some of you are kidding yourself I work with some high flyers and some of their kids go to state schools never mind boarding!

There's a deeper issue if your happy to send your child off and pass it off as the child requested that... did they really? 🙄

Perhaps it's hold some truth what your ex said... I mean most teen girls go through a stage of clashing with their mum I had the exact same with my own mum. This isn't a rarety though and I don't see it warranting boarding school unless you went completely off the rails and your parents thought you was so bad and literally couldn't cope..

I don't agree with sending one child out of 4 either that alone is F**Ked.

I know quite a few Deaf people, they all describe boarding at Deaf schools in a positive way. For many it meant being with people who used the same language as them which often their families didn't.

Some schools are specialists in music, ballet, or are faith schools for children whose parents want a faith education but there isn't a local school.

Children on some Scottish islands don't have any option other than to board, if you are the only secondary age child on an island and there is no secondary school what else can you do?

So lots of different reasons.

A family member started boarding when another family member was seriously Ill in hospital and They had to stay there overnight a lot. The family member continued to board on and off for the rest of their education as they wanted to. That would have been from about age 11 onwards.

On these forums, people always seem to look at things in a very black and white way. I’m a teacher (state primary) and childfree. My perspective therefore is less emotional and more focussed on the development of the child. Different children thrive in different environments. Some children need more nurture and cuddles, some children need more challenge and opportunities.

Boarding schools (usually) provide excellent facilities, promote a healthy and active lifestyle, solid routines and foster a culture of education. These things, in theory, will produce a well rounded child. If a child has a secure attachment to their parents, then they will likely do well in such an environment. If a child feels they have been abandoned, or really misses their parent, that could be damaging.

On the flip side, I know many parents who indulge their offspring, do everything for them, keep them close and shower them with love and friendship. That doesn’t seem like it will be beneficial in the long run either.

No judgement though, one reason I choose not to have children is that there are too many considerations and decisions to make about their well-being. I’d never sleep again for worrying about whether I was getting it right for them.

A lot of people I know do it because they have to work very long hours and they see their children every weekend, so it is the same as before they were boarding. Others do it because they have to travel a lot for work or live abroad where there are no good international school, or the kids don’t want to move around schools every couple of years. There are other jobs besides the forces that aren’t that very compatible with family life and a steady education.

I don’t get it at all. I would miss my children too much and they would miss us. Why have children if you don’t want to actually be with them. It’s baffling

Totally agree with this. We would be described as high flyers and have definitely reassessed our work / life balance after having children. My husband has full on high pressured but always takes kids to school, is home for bedtime and makes every sports day/show/event.

My husband boarded. When he was looking at secondary schools he said he didn't want to board, so he picked a school that had the option for day pupils and boarders. After a while he decided he wanted to board because he felt he was missing out, always coming to school the next morning having missed what happened/was talked about the night before, and says now he would have boarded from the start if he'd known how much he enjoyed it.

He lived rurally with no other families nearby so I guess the choice for him was be stuck at home with his siblings/not easily being able to socialise or stay at school and spend time with his peers outside of the classroom. He made some amazing lifelong friends, he has friends all over the world - some would come and stay with his family at the weekends if their families lived far away. He is also now one of the hardest working people I know, not chasing to finish work at 5pm and had a lot more opportunities than me. He has a very close relationship with his parents and extended family, we live 10 minutes away from them and he works with his dad.

In contrast, I went to a comprehensive school, home by 3.30pm every day, mum was mostly around (worked part time) and I came out with a shit education, shit working ethic in all honesty and a fucked up family relationship that I couldn't wait to move 3+ hours away from as soon as I was old enough to get a job.

There will always be extremes but surely it can't really be that unfathomable how boarding school can work well for some people. It's not exactly like the kid is plonked on a train with a suitcase and left until the end of term with not even a phonecall home allowed.

@Wouldloveanother the problem with the idea that 'there's plenty of time for playing instruments later' thing is that there really isn't, not if you want to do it at a professional standard. The training for this starts, of necessity, young. Pianists and string players specifically, not so much wind and brass. There's just an awful lot to learn and hours of practice to acheive this level.These are some of the children you see on BBC Young Musician competitions etc. A specialist music school timetables lessons, ensemble and performance training, practice and music theory and academic music during the school day and the kids there do a reduced academic timetable alongside. Orchestras and soloists aren't hobbyists.
Not all kids who train in these schools go on to do these careers of course, of my DD's peer group most are at Conservatoire, but there's a couple of medics and I believe a mathematician? But they have at least had that choice.
If we had lived in London I would almost certainly have sent DD to a Saturday morning Conservatoire but we didn't, we lived very very far from anything like that. At her original primary school, her lesson had to happen outside of school hours and she was never given a space to have it. Just a corner of the photocopying room before school with of course, teachers and TA's frantically photocopying in the corner.
Anyway, I believe the council there has now axed peripatetic lessons completely. So we'd never have found out she had this ability if she'd been there these days.

I had the most terrible, conflictual divorce- with joint custody. Complete nightmare for DS as his father would just do everything and anything to be different- no boundaries, no bedtimes, no homework- just to get a rise out of me.

Boarding school has been a wonderful, neutral ground for DS. Lively, caring, sporty school and he loves it. He has also realised that my rules (boundaries) are the norm and has stopped saying "at dad's I don't have to..." He weekly boards so each parent EOW, and split holidays.

Everyone is much calmer and it has been the making of him socially- he has a wide group of friends (4 of which are currently staying as school broke up ridiculously early 😱).

Total result and very different to my own dire boarding school days where I actually learned to fucking curtsy and how to get out of a sports car without showing cleavage of knickers...

of a sports car without showing cleavage of knickers

• or

I always remember a friend of mine saying "When you're lying in bed trying not to cry, because you know the other boys will laugh at you, you soon learn to control your feelings. "
He refused to send his own two children to boarding school, although his parents were shocked at that decision!

DH was a boarding school kid.

His dad worked in a variety of places around the world, never for more than a few months at a time. His mum was mentally very unstable and had frequent stays in psychiatric units, so he'd often be collected by a social worker at 3am and dumped in a Foster home. So life was much more unstable at home than at school.

He says to this day that what he needed was parents who put him first, not 10 hour days and stodgy boarding food.

I full boarded from 14. Suited me just fine, parents on another continent but they flew in for half term and school holidays or I went home. I am not damaged and I have done OK career wise. The plan is for DC to day board for part of secondary school.

When I was young (a long time ago!) I loved school, so much so that I dreamed of going to boarding school night and day. The thought of actually living in a school rather than having to go home every day seemed wonderful to me. At 12 - secondary school age - I asked if I could go away to school. My father (who had also been to boarding school) was fine with it, although we had no money, my grandmother said she'd pay. My mother thought it was awful and said no, and because I was a girl (!!) my mother's views won and I didn't go. I never forgave my mother for that.

I wanted differently for my own children, and my son had the chance to go. He was a weekly boarder, I never thought twice about sending him as I really felt I was giving him the chance I'd always wanted. It turns out he wasn't keen and hated it, although it was a nice school and nothing "bad" happened. He just hated any sort of school he attended anyway.

In my later years I went to work in a boarding school myself for a while. I loved that job (very tiring work though), and stayed for years. It's the nearest I've been to "being in" boarding school. I learned a lot....there are some children - and definitely a significant number - who love boarding, who genuinely thrive there and get a lot out of it. However, there are others who are not suited to the atmosphere, who would rather be at home and who hate it. And even others who are only there because some parent either wants the association for themselves (eg. the father who never went to Eton but manages to get his son there instead) or else who don't want to parent their own child. These parents are actually few and far between.

It would ne nice if we had a system where children could choose what they wanted and got it, and where boarding schools weren't seen as being so awful that the children who love and thrive in them aren't seen as some other species!

As for your question, why would a parent send their child? Well, as I've said, there are many reasons. But surely, if you knew your child was thriving there, making good friends, having a good education and enjoying it, why on earth wouldn't you send them? (assuming you had the money, of course, although there are bursaries these days).
If you're asking why would a parent send their child even if the child hates it, well, from what I've said above, they may not realise the child hates it and think they're providing the best for them....