why do you send your child to boarding school?

[FunnysInLaJardin]

Not wishing to be inflammatory and not really an AIBU, but honestly wondering why any parent would at any age send their DC to boarding school.

Aside from forces children, why would you do it?

I have a colleague at work who is sending her child in year 9, and have known lots of kids and parents who have been, but to me as a parent it is unfathomable.

One colleagues daughter really wanted to go to day school here, and he wouldn't hear of it. It was boarding at all costs.

Aside from the sheer cost, doesn't the emotional apspect bother you? A school cannot parent a teen or child like a parent can.

Really interested in a different perspective

I'm a lone/single parent who works full time. I had a live in nanny until year 6 so I could work/travel if I needed.

She now boards 2 nights a week so she has access to lots of activities, hangs out with friends and gets her homework done.

She also has ASD and Adhd so this helps her build her resilience.

I get to work extended hours when she is boarding.

Honestly I'm bored of the judging that goes on around boarding, some of us have no choice/it's the best decision for our kids.

"and that again is a different scenario, although no less valid and I imagine no less difficult"

Yes we don't want him to go but it is the best/possibly only way of him getting a decent quality of life as an adult.

I know three people who went to boarding school. One loved it because his home life was very unhappy - parents were functioning alcoholics who fought constantly, another went for one year to a school that focussed on ballet which she loved, my third friend hated it and used to write letters home crying and begging to come home.

Its very far removed from any experience I've had, and private, let alone boarding school is not within budget.
I'm intrigued though if one parent is at home, what is the advantage of boarding school over top private school? And who is the stay at home parent staying at home for, if their child is away all week/term? (Although the holidays seem enormously long!)

Because my children wanted to

My son wants to board 3 days a week from year 7. He likes the idea of being with friends at school some of the time and sleeping in a little dorm/the games room.

I don't think we can afford it but the idea comes from him.

We are exploring with him how well he really has thought it through and how well he understands what it would be like

Maybe she realised that her parenting style wasn't what her children needed and took the decision that boarding school was the better option? Possibly less damaging on balance?

I wouldn't send my DC away but then I wouldn't sacrifice family time for a salary that would support it. The suggestion that it's better than having a parent out of the house from 6am to 8pm is madness - the other option is get a job with fewer hours and you won't need to find the money for boarding school. But then some people prefer the status of an important job I guess.

I fully agree with boarding for children with additional needs who will do better with the routine and specialised care.

One of my own parents has pretty obvious boarding school syndrome, despite weekly visits home etc.

I think it speaks volumes that that parent was adamant that siblings and I would not be sent (despite apparently enjoying their time at boarding school and understanding that when they went, it provided an educational opportunity that was otherwise not available).

I wouldnt ever sent mine. Even if they wanted to. There are lots of things 12 year olds want that aren't good for them long term. I think there are a handful of instances where it can be the right option for a child (forces families, some SEN and disability where the stability of the school setting and availability of more adult carers all of whom get breaks etc) but I think for the average 12 year old in a loving home, its unlikely to be the optimal choice for their emotional wellbeing.

I've got a couple of friends who went at 11 and it had some quite noticeable negative effects. Both ended up engaging in sexual activity very young, both have dubious and untrusting relationships with their parents. A third friend went at 7 and was honestly completely fucked up for his entire 20s, had no idea how to form adult relationships, incapable of being alone, and was basically quite institutionalized to the school routines and ways of doing things. School was his real "home".

@WindyKnickers I'm not sure I agree. There are so many kids who may as well not have a parent at home with how much interaction happens. I know for sure my cousin's two kids would absolutely love boarding. They come home from school, have 0 activities. Both parents on devices and the older childs average screen time is 13 hrs a day.
You'd be surprised how many kids live like this.

*Famalamabunfight · Today 08:46

Because my children wanted to*

My son wants to a) play on the tablet all day b) live on junk food c) never do homework d) never do chores......

it doesn't mean I'm going to let him.

The whole point of parenting is to apply adult perspectives and at times, override DCs when they aren't old enough to understand the long term implications of some decisions.

@MeanderingGently Thank you for your balanced and thoughtful post.

As you say every child is different and responds differently to school - whatever the type. And every family is different.

The one thing that perhaps hasn't been discussed much on this thread is that life comes in chunks and suddenly changing your work, your house, or your child's school is tricky. Lots of friction and barriers to making changes. When something isn't working it is hard to shift, and will the shift be better.

I'm of the view most parents are doing their very best for their family often juggling multi-generational responsibilities making the best choice at that time. A school choice is usually a leap in the dark to some degree. We are are different in our perspectives and ambitions - diversity of roles and opportunities is in my view good.

As an aside a more serious problem with society at the moment is that many don't have a good local school for their children. Very few can afford to opt out to private schools or to a state school further from home (whether day or boarding). Those of us who can are very fortunate to have these choices.

Educational consistency for parents working abroad, sport/music/academic specialisms not available in schools locally so boarding the only option, difficult family circumstances, tradition etc etc. There are so many reasons why boarding is an option or even the best option in a specific set of circumstances.

How disappointing!

I don't think I am cut out for the elite. Too state school 😁

Must tell the kids not to mention it after all.

@FunnysInLaJardin exeat is a weekend break inbetween half term and the main holidays.
Half term is half term.

Must tell the kids not to mention it after all.

Haha

probably for this best someone would put in a linguistic tripwire or ask what was served with ham or something

One of my uncles was sent to boarding school. The only one out of a big family. He hated his siblings for the rest of his life and purposely would destroy anything they loved- well up into middle age. Oh you like mums old cabinet? What a shame - smash. The jealousy and hate was unreal to watch in a fully grown adult.

I do think that it matters how old the child is though. For older teens it might be ok but young children should be brought up by their parents. (And no, I don't see it as parenting if you only see your child in the weekend. Children also need parenting during the week).

@Steakcutchipswithsteak There are lots of kids like this who went to the same school as all their kids. Maybe he got sent because he had a temper they couldn't control. How do you know? You can't paint all with the same brush. The vast vast majority of kids go to their local state school. I don't think you can find a town in the UK without at least a dozen of 'haha I'll smash up my mum's old cabinet' type of kids.

😁probably. Then they would be revealed for the frauds they really are.

Best stick to what we know tbh

That's true. But there are also people that hated boarding school or that got worse mentally because of boarding school. My uncle was one of the youngest in the family and his 11/13/14/15 year older siblings do remember him before, during snd after (when they themselves were adults at the time) so I tend to believe what they said. My story is one of many. In this case boarding school fucked him up for life. It might be the making of other people but this story is here for balance.

My husband went from age 10. He absolutely loved it and has many fond memories. It was his parents decision but certainly not one which has adversely affected him. He had access to extensive extra curricular activities and hobbies that many could only dream of. Academically he fared okay, no better than he would have in a state school in all likelihood, but his overall experience was fantastic and he was incredibly sad to leave. He has a great relationship with his parents.

It's a choice - you don't have to be on board (excuse the pun) with it or understand it as it clearly isn't an option you would like to take.

@1805 similar situation here. My son is an only one and he liked it so much that after 10 days we had to call up to check he was ok as we hadn't heard from him!! It's a big difference being sent to suit the parents as opposed to going because a teen would like to give it a try and the option is there. My son loved the dorm fun, taking tuck, and the fantastic facilities on tap and constant company. He's a mature and fun young man these days at 24 . He only did 2 years as it proved too expensive long term but he looks back in it fondly.

My H on the other hand did a year at age 12 when his parents were abroad. Catholic boarding (since closed down) run by monks- he hated it, half starved and washing not done properly and he isn't an organised fun kind of person. He was wary when my son said he wanted to go to Royal Alexander (he had a friend there) but was delighted to see it was nothing like where he was sent to.

I think it's a really individual thing . Lots of parents talk about cuddles and things but our son was never much one for cuddles or watching TV with us anyway - we did see a lot of him too , many weekends, longer holidays , we spoke a lot on the phone anyway and actually our connection I think as a family actually improved. Many of these schools now are nothing like what your partners may remember from 30 years ago . We were impressed at the pastoral care too and a couple of ex army housemasters who were firm but very fair did wonders for a 12 year old boy.

Was sent to boarding school against my will at 12. My parents basically really couldn’t be bothered with the ins and outs of raising children by that point (I’m 5th of 6). They had money and wanted to travel, socialise, play golf etc. I have never been close to them and now I’m a mother of four children I would never, ever send mine. If any of them really, really wanted to board for sixth form only and the money was there I’d consider it but basically: whatever parents who board their kids say on here to justify it, it’s a massive, massive cop out. Why have children at all if you don’t see them and hand them over to strangers to raise them for you? I excelled academically, in sport and in music because looking back I can now see that I was trying to get my parents’ attention. I left my home country at 21 and have had minimum contact ever since (I’m 51 now). It’s a sad reflection on my parents I think.

Someone asked how DC know about the boarding schools unless the parents put it into the dc's minds.
DS had been to the boarding school for swimming parties, music lessons/exams/concerts, and sports matches/training. Probably did a holiday sports club there at some point as well.
So he knew all about the facilities just by living locally. nothing to do with us!

They’re not close if they don’t even live together.