why do you send your child to boarding school?

[FunnysInLaJardin]

Not wishing to be inflammatory and not really an AIBU, but honestly wondering why any parent would at any age send their DC to boarding school.

Aside from forces children, why would you do it?

I have a colleague at work who is sending her child in year 9, and have known lots of kids and parents who have been, but to me as a parent it is unfathomable.

One colleagues daughter really wanted to go to day school here, and he wouldn't hear of it. It was boarding at all costs.

Aside from the sheer cost, doesn't the emotional apspect bother you? A school cannot parent a teen or child like a parent can.

Really interested in a different perspective

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If you want to know more about the dark past of safeguarding at boarding ding schools listen to the above podcasts or look up anything Alex Renton has written on the subject.

I'm a boarding school kid and I absolutely loved it. Went from 11 to 18 and am still very close to my closest friends from those days. We are all normal women with decent jobs, partners and children. I think people have strange ideas about what boarding school is like. The only disadvantage I would say is that I never had friends at my parents home when I was back in the holidays.

There’s a lot of judging on this thread to the point I’m wondering if it’s bordering on jealousy? Do some of you have poor sleepers and yearn to wake after 8 hrs restful sleep, have a nice quiet coffee with the radio in the background, thinking about todays outfit, feeling nice and chilled, looking forward to picking up your kids on Friday for a fun weekend before they head back on Sunday for the week? Hmm?

My kids don’t go to boarding school but I know three women who went to boarding school. All three loved it. Two are lovely people and have great relationships with their families The third is a psycho cow bag (but I think she was wired that way.

OP is BU to not understand that not everyone wants the same life as her, even kids. It works for some families, let them get on with it.

My husband and his brother were boarders for 5 years. Their Dad went to the same school and he sent his sons. They lived too far to be day boys, but then it got too expensive so they moved closer and became day boys.

My husband is now 52. He talks about boarding all the time, none of it negative.

After hearing some of the very sad and moving stories on here, I think it’s a bit off to play the old ‘jealousy’ chestnut.

@FunnysInLaJardin oh i 100% don't think poor= bad home. I don't think there is anywhere near enough eyebrows raised at how a lot of well off kids are raised.

@Wouldloveanother it was what she wanted to do - she was at a JD on Saturdays and would come home saying that she wished it was JD every day and school just on Saturday. Since going to a specialist music school she has felt normal and obtained a place at a major conservatoire with a huge scholarship post A level and is absoultely loving it so why would I have stopped her from doing what she loves?

FFs there is such a hate of boarding schools on Mumsnet even when it is absolutely the right thing for our DC. (And please don't think I was in any way happy to lose her.)

@londonmummy1966 it’s just different priorities. The thought of it makes me feel sad.

Not wishing to be inflammatory and not really an AIBU, but honestly wondering why any parent would at any age send their DC to boarding school

@FunnysInLaJardin All parents make decisions for their children. One thing I have learned over 20+ years of being a parent is that any half decent parent is trying their absolute utmost to make the decisions which they think are going to be best for their children (very few parents go into this lark intending to cock it up).

We all probably wonder at times why other parents do x, y, or z. For instance, I used to wonder how anyone could possibly send a small child to nursery unless they had no choice. I suppose I feel about that in the same way that other people might feel about boarding school.

There are many reasons why I went down this route with my DC, but they have all been very, very happy, and I have an excellent relationship with all of them. Which is really all you can ask for.

@Wouldloveanother I think such a small proportion of people go to boarding schools it is difficult to get a good grasp of the idea of them and to have the opportunity to hear different experiences.
There are millions of kids who go through state or private day schools and tons have awful stories to say about them. It wouldn't take long to find a parent on this forum looking for support for a school refuser or someone being horrifically bullied.
The reality is, boarding schools are very different to what they used to be but so are all schools. Sexual assault at the hands of teachers, as well as physical bullying was much more common place 30 years ago. The way schools reacted was different. Of course when you put a child in a residential setting it'll be magnified. I really think though that they have been villified. I didn't go to one, don't know anyone except families I nannied for who use them as well as a few springboard kids, but I really think they are a haven for certain kids. I went to an open day and wish I had had the opportunity to have gone to one. I completely understand why some choose to use them but I think there is a special place in hell for the ones who take little 7 year olds.

If you have a child who is really spectacularly talented at something, and loves it, then your 'priority' does tend to become ensuring that they are able to do this thing, because that's how they will flourish. A supremely musical child wouldn't thrive from being told to spend less time playing their instrument and more time watching Netflix/going to town with friends etc. You've got to have experienced it to understand what @londonmummy1966 means.

The school terms may be Michaelmas, Hilary and Trinity though...

I don't know why people choose boarding - I know plenty of people who do choose it since my DC are independently educated and attend schools with a mix of day and boarding. I think sometimes it's logistics, often it's just what's expected by everyone as that's what the families have always done. Sometimes they just don't want to live or can't easily work near the school they think is best for the DC.

I know a few families where only the sons board at prestigious boys' schools and the girls are day pupils closer to home. That's the one I have a harder time figuring out... currently all mine are day but if youngest wants to board and we've still got any money left (highly unlikely) I would consider it in Y9.

I think many people on this thread are not in the situation so cannot see it from any other view point other than their own. Maybe like some SAHMs may not understand why parents pursue a career and put their babies in nursery full time??! Where we live (overseas) there are not high school options nearby. Our children weekly boardand loved every minute. When they were younger I never thought we would go down this route but the kids grew up seeing friends heading off to boarding school and to be honest, they couldn’t wait for their turn to come around. I can’t say our relationship was in any way effected, we Iived for the weekends and planned fun things together knowing that during the week they were super busy with activities and study. They had fantastic opportunities that they just wouldn’t have at home. My eldest has left school now and is one of my best friends and talks fondly of the boarding days! Other families opted to send their children to board in their home countries as they found it provided more consistency for their children, and without the pain of regularly loosing best friends when other famines moved on.

I went to boarding school - I was badly bullied at my day school, because of that I was sinking academically and I wasn't at all close to my parents. We lived rurally and there was no other viable choice of day school. Boarding school was a relief in those circumstances, though in those days there was absolutely nothing to do outside of lessons, and was very little freedom. I became motivated to work hard, and got into a good university. One of my children also went to boarding school. They are talented and got a very high scholarship. Going to that school gave them enormous opportunities - just not possible if they'd stayed close to home. They were very happy there, and did very well academically too.
There are downsides in terms of time you don't spend with family, but depending on the circumstances I think it can be the right decision.

I boarded from 1975 to 1980 when I took my O Levels. Came home for A Levels but only because I thought my parents were struggling financially (and possibly because I was aware I was a bit unworldly). We were a forces family but fairly settled around that time and two younger siblings didn't go.

It was always clear it was my choice - and although that may have been swayed by Mallory Towers I never regretted it. I loved my family and loved living at home - but equally I loved being at school with all my friends. Most girls were day girls so we boarders were a close knit group, and had loads of fun. Plus a great education (my A Level results proved that I benefited from not having distractions at O Level.....).

Mum wrote every week and we could use the payphone if we needed to speak to our parents. We had exeats each side of half term although we often spent these going home with other friends - not because my parents wouldn't have collected me but because we liked staying with other people. Or else I went home and took a friend.

I had several siblings so probably didn't expect to be the centre of attention at home - it must be harder if you're an only child perhaps. But I can honestly say it was all positive - I looked forward to going back to school and then at the end of term I looked forward to coming home again. But that said - I should hate to send my two away and would miss them far too much to even consider it! God knows how I'll cope when they leave home or go to uni......!

@Kidsaretryingtodestroyme no jealousy here. We could afford boarding easily. It's just not right for us as a family

I wonder how many of those judging on this thread sent their DC to nursery / wrap around care full time? Full day clubs or childcare during holidays.

How much actual quality time do they spend with their DC during the week?

Oh please 🙄

I knew a diplomatic family who sent elder child to board. He was 17, very charming, clever and made friends easily. He did fine as far as I know, and went to uni of his choice later.

Their younger son was very shy and anxious- they didn't send him which was totally the right decision.

Horses for courses!

At 16/17 my brother also boarded at local agricultural college, which he LOVED. It was a bit like uni on a smaller scale. Again he was very social and still has lots of friends from the college.

@Joyfultoes so is the Paris syndrome. Doesn't mean everyone is so hysterically disappointed in Paris they end up in a hospital.

I wish I could have boarded as a child but we couldn't afford it. (Another Enid Blyton fan!) My DC are currently day pupils but regularly beg us to let them board. We can't quite stretch to boarding fees for them but would if we could.

I have however saved £££ by learning that exeat means half term

@FunnysInLaJardin You might gain even more social capital and save even more £££ if I tell you that half term is actually Long Leave. It's only an Exeat at inferior establishments such as Harrow.

My brother boarded because he was several hours away and wanted to do a specific course. He did come home some weekends though.

I let my DS flexi-board because he wants to.

I miss him so badly it physically hurts but stopping him going would be for my sake, not his.

@Wouldloveanother I know it's not the same but it is a good point. Unfortunately the way our lives are now, so many kids actually don't see their parents. When I was in my last year of A Levels I got into a weird babysitting job. I would arrive at Js house at 7. Wake him up and take him to breakfast club. Pick him up from after school club and put him to sleep. Every other weekend id meet his granny at a train station and she'd have him for the weekend. J was 4. He saw him mum every other weekend. It may be that most people do get to see their kids for an hour or so before bed, but it's pretty messed up how little time we do have with them.