why do you send your child to boarding school?

[FunnysInLaJardin]

Not wishing to be inflammatory and not really an AIBU, but honestly wondering why any parent would at any age send their DC to boarding school.

Aside from forces children, why would you do it?

I have a colleague at work who is sending her child in year 9, and have known lots of kids and parents who have been, but to me as a parent it is unfathomable.

One colleagues daughter really wanted to go to day school here, and he wouldn't hear of it. It was boarding at all costs.

Aside from the sheer cost, doesn't the emotional apspect bother you? A school cannot parent a teen or child like a parent can.

Really interested in a different perspective

Sending a 16 year old off is no big deal. I worked full time and had my own adult life at 16.
I would send my 16 year old no questions asked because she’s practically an adult anyway.

"They’re not close if they don’t even live together"

@Sunshine10012
I think this just shows people don't understand what it's like for families at boarding school. You don't send your child off in Sept and then not see them again until Christmas. You are still really involved.

I went age 11. I really enjoyed it. My parents thought it would give a good education and teach independence. Would I send my kids? It’s too expensive for us and I’m not sure I’d trust my kids not to mess around and I’d like to monitor things like internet access more closely (more an issue now than when I went to school). But if the child wants to go and the option to stop and switch school (to day school) is always there - then why not? The youngest I’d send them is 10 I think. i’m close to my siblings and parents.

Imo with certain exceptions, eg the boarding school offers special facilities for a really gifted child (sports, ballet, music), the child is older and really wants to go (and I’m not talking about children with special needs here, that’s completely different), I honestly think that boarding school is bad for most children. Boarding School Syndrome is real. Yes, with flexi boarding and FaceTime etc etc nowadays, children who board have a lot more contact with parents than in the “old days”. However, children need their parents and families on a daily basis in order to develop into healthy adults (unless of course things are bad at home, in which case I agree that boarding school may well be the better option). Sending very young children away is wrong (why have children at all?) and sending children to board before 16 should really be avoided. If not, it should be done with great caution. It has taken me many years (and therapy) to unravel the harm that being sent away as a happy little girl of 12, did to me. Unbelievably, I put my children’s’ names down at birth for a well- known boarding school - a lot of people who boarded themselves do that I think; I was told what a “privilege “ it was!-but I later realised (post- epiphany) that:1) I was vulnerable to the glossy “hard sell” of the school about how good boarding is for children and 2) I was clearly (pre- therapy) unable to emotionally access my true feelings about my childhood. Now, I kiss each of my children goodnight, every night, unless they’re away (my eldest, just turned 18, is in Spain and so happy and well- adjusted there’s no need). I now realise I missed out on so much love/time/ day to day conversations/normal “growing up” stuff because I went to boarding school and I became a high achiever to compensate for that sense of lack, of belonging nowhere, of feeling abandoned. I personally never want my children to feel that way, and no amount of money career-wise is worth it ime. That’s just my view. I’m still working on it all, but one thing I do know is that time with each of my children is so, so precious. They grow up so quickly. Why waste that beautiful opportunity? One final thought: I’m no expert, but Boris Johnson seems to me to exhibit some of the more negative symptoms of boarding school syndrome. I know his mother did her best (RIP) and was very ill with her mental health, but I do wonder how much better this country would be managed if he and other Tory politicians of his ilk were to go into therapy for boarding school syndrome?

So many PPs don’t seem to get how completely different it is to send a 16-year-old when compared to a 7, or 8-year-old. Attachment needs are very different in young children and forging ‘independence’ at that sort of age will, in most children, be damaging.

@Ahgoonyegirlye I was a day pupil at a day and boarding school. Due to my own musical commitments, I ended up at school 7 days a week, and there in the evenings til 6. By the time I travelled home, ate, did homework and music practice it was time for bed. There was no downtime at all. If I had been boarding I would have reclaimed nearly 2 hours a day. It would have made much more sense for me to board rather than spend hours lugging heavy equipment around in the dark by various means of transport. But for me it wasn’t an option. As often happens, my DC are pretty like me. If they carry on as they are, it could well be the case that some degree of boarding makes sense.

I'll second this. They are at home for a huge amount of time. Short leaves every three weeks. Long Leaves every six weeks. Very, very long holidays. Finish for summer in June and go back mid Sept. The time they spend at school is very intensive, but there's a lot of time when they are not at school. And any decent boarding school (and who would send a child to one that was rubbish?) will have endless conversations with home. In some ways, I have known more about what my boarders were up to than friends with children at day schools.

I think what this thread illustrates is the same thing it does in any school which is it depends on your child. All kids are different which is why having a choice of school is important and lucky for some of us.

Some children love boarding and it's right for them and some don't.

Some of us use flexi boarding like me, my daughter loves the two nights a week she stays for activities and as a single parent it works for me with extended work hours.

There is not one right way to raise and educate a child. Children are individuals. I wish people would just accept that.

Boarding school nowadays may well be different/more modern and more palatable for children. But in nearly all cases, the purpose of boarding school is to reduce if not remove altogether the burden of childrearing from the parents. In the days before contraception etc, childbearing was not a lifestyle choice - like it is today- nobody is forced to have children these days; in which case why bother having a child at all just to dump it onto total strangers to raise at age 8,10,12, 14 or whatever? Yes there may be exceptional reasons in certain cases, flexi- boarding is certainly helpful with older children eg 16+ who do a lot of sport, music or drama and want to go, but full time boarding for younger children is really designed for the convenience of parents who don’t want to do the heavy lifting day to day imo - and in my own personal experience. I have classmates who were shipped from the other side of the world to boarding school, who only saw their parents twice a year, who are now in their 50’s and I seriously doubt that they have ever recovered from the trauma of that separation. These are extreme examples- yes-but it’s the same principle. If you don’t want to actually raise your child, don’t have it! Simple.

But in nearly all cases, the purpose of boarding school is to reduce if not remove altogether the burden of childrearing from the parents

This is nonsense.

Not just nonsense, it's insulting and gross. The catbum faced moral highgrounding in some of these posts is nauseating. Some of us didn't have a choice but we made damn sure that our beloved DC had the best time possible.

@Andouillette well said!

@Paris14eme
Please enlighten me as to how I have not parented my DC.
You have no idea.
Do you have any idea how long boarding school kids are at home for?
Do you have any idea how much contact you have with your DC at school?
Paying £40k+ a year is not a decision many families take lightly.

Children are not old enough to have that amount of accountability regarding mile stone choices. The child clearly has been exposed and influenced by the parent.

It doesn't sit quite right that numerous posters are letting their kids rule the roast saying it's what my child wanted. What other aspect of life do you let your kid make choices that cost 40 grand? Per year? Your having a laugh! I would rather use it for a future house deposit for my DC.

They are a child FGS and easily led! My DS would quite like the newest iPhone but he's not having one... although he would if I gave him one obviously!

@IfIhearmumagaintoday
Letting a 13yr old pick from 2 excellent schools you have chosen does not mean they rule the roost.
Yawn.
Again, I ask you as well, how much contact do you imagine you have with your child when they are at boarding school?

@1805 did you just yawn at me? Then ask me a question? 🤣

@IfIhearmumagaintoday
Yep.
I am so tired of trying to explain to non boarding school parents that choosing a boarding school does not mean that you do not love, or want to parent your DC. You just simple want the best for them.

Are you ggoing to answer my question then?

I think I will point out I was paying £13k a year at state boarding with a 13 year old - not 40k

And given the fact he ate like a horse and seemed to think I was an ATM I felt I was down by around £9k

I don't regret it at all - nor does he

Nah.

I live near a boarding school and I do think there's something nice about the kids having dinner together then spilling out into the grounds to play football, tennis etc.

I know so many kids who are having a weird kind of isolated teenage experience, on devices every evening in their own rooms, that I don't think we can say it's worse for the kids.

Twenty years ago boarding schools were worse than they are now and being at home was more sociable. I don't think we can project from our generation to this one.

Yes, a 16 year old who wanted to board? Fine. They spend most of their time in their room or with their friends. Any other age and I seriously don't understand how you would do that to a child and how you would want to miss out on their childhood. Don't have kids if you don't want to raise them.

I have no idea? Er… I’m simply speaking from my own personal experience as a full- time boarder! So what would I know, eh?! 16+ yes fine but younger kids? It’s a cop out imo. Money is not a justification, nor is the fantasy that a young child would knowingly “choose” to board full- time unless of course it was put in their little head by Mummy (like mine tried to). Justify it all you like -but not seeing your child grow day to day, not having those casual conversations each evening after school - in fact my older 2 kids (teenagers; I’ve got 2 younger ones too) tend to tell me their problems at night just before bed, go figure!- you’re missing out. And so are they. It’s crucial for their development to be able to offload if necessary after a busy day… unless of course Matron/House Master is better than you in loco parentis. Just my reasonably held view (from my own personal experience). You need to read Joy Shaverien “ Boarding School Syndrome:The Psychological Trauma of the “Privilged” Child” if you won’t take my word for it.

Of course children ask and want to go to boarding school! I did (although I didn't get to go). Mostly "put in their heads" by Enid Blyton, JK Rowling or many other authors.

Or in my children's case it's because they're day pupils at a boarding school and love it so much!

This will no doubt shock you rigid, mine used to phone me to have those evening chats. They were weekly boarders, Monday-Friday. They went to the one school within a reasonable distance that didn't have saturday morning school. I hated them being away, every bloody day of it, they did not hate it at all.

My DD13 is just back after two nights boarding, full of stories and things they did.

She loves being home, I love her being here but she loves boarding and gets to do the extended activities.

I'm a single mum and get to do two days extended work hours.

Next Wednesday she breaks up for two months, and I can't wait.

So bore off @Paris14eme. I'm sorry you had a shit time at school but some kids love it.