why do you send your child to boarding school?

[FunnysInLaJardin]

Not wishing to be inflammatory and not really an AIBU, but honestly wondering why any parent would at any age send their DC to boarding school.

Aside from forces children, why would you do it?

I have a colleague at work who is sending her child in year 9, and have known lots of kids and parents who have been, but to me as a parent it is unfathomable.

One colleagues daughter really wanted to go to day school here, and he wouldn't hear of it. It was boarding at all costs.

Aside from the sheer cost, doesn't the emotional apspect bother you? A school cannot parent a teen or child like a parent can.

Really interested in a different perspective

@jeaux90 I’m a single parent too- of four children. And I work full time. So suck that up. Whatever it takes to justify it to yourself, just do it. Make the most of her two months off because before you know it, she’ll have grown up and left school. But it won’t compensate for all those little conversations she’ll be having with her friends instead of you. Of course she “loves boarding”. She doesn’t want to upset you after the separation/ divorce. Read the book by Joy Shaverien. But whatever…. Bore off yourself. I’m out of here now -squabble amongst your deluded selves-because guess what, I’m actually spending time with my children day in day our and this is just a colossal waste of it. Bonne soirée a tous! Over and out.

@Paris14eme

There you go with your assumptions.

No divorce or separation, no father around, just brought her up on my own since she was 1. She's healthy and happy, sorry to disappoint!

@jeaux90 all the more reason why she would want to please you; and all the more reason for you to spend that precious time with her then. But whatever. Goodnight and good luck.

Haven't read all the replies but I'm a middle aged child who was sent to boarding school at 11 so here are the reasons why and the impact on me.

My parents were very poor but wanted the best for me academically as I'm pretty bright. The local schools were all awful and there was no option to move house. They believed (correctly) I was bright enough to get a full scholarship and have opportunities they'd never be able to provide otherwise.

Our council house was far too small for two adults and three teenagers so me being sent to boarding school alleviated that too, and they discussed with me lots, as well as me getting test runs while at a few different schools sitting entrance exams for a few days each.

They knew me well and knew I'd be fine away from home and would thrive in close contact with friends all the time, again they were correct.

I was a stroppy handful at 10 and I think they also thought we might all benefit frome being parented by people less close to me, and some time and distance to miss each other rather than being on top of each other and irritable in a tiny house.

I think I did thrive there, I did well academically and now have a good career. I've got a lot of close relationships with friends, mostly from university and after rather than school but that's no reflection on the schooling, I just moved on.

Out of all my friends I'd say I'm probably one of the most well balanced and secure in myself and I have one of the best relationships with my family, so I don't think it harmed me? But I am happy to acknowledge I was a mature 11 year old with very good parental attachment and a very strong sense of self. My parents were, and still are, very supportive of me and very emotionally available to me, which I gather is not all that normal.

I genuinely can't understand why some people think every child that goes to boarding school is emotionally scarred for life, and has parents that don't love/care for them. It's a crazy sweeping idea.
I'm very sorry that some people had traumatising experiences at boarding school, but you know what? I had a traumatising experience at my state comp. Lots of people did, and do so even now.
But I don't go around saying everyone who goes to a state school will be traumatised for life. nor that I think their parents don't love them.

People just need to accept that lots of people are happy at boarding school, even if that's not the type of school that would suit your DC.

I'm bowing out of this as it's becoming unpleasant - but there are so, so, so many ridiculous myths perpetuated about boarding schools and the children who attend them, and the parents who send them that it's almost unbelievable. Some of the comments on here strongly suggest that they are made by people who have never set foot in a boarding school and don't know anyone whose children who attend one. Or perhaps they did go to a boarding school in the 80s and had a rotten time, and can't see that things have changed in the meantime.

We all just want the best for our children, whatever school we choose to send them to.

I find it very interesting that most of the negative comments on here are from people who themselves went to boarding school or a close relative or colleague, but there are very few from parents of current boarders. This was a generation ago. Modern boarding is generally VERY different.

Gone are the days where you would ship your child off and not see them for weeks on end. Many schools now offer weekly or flexi boarding packages where you can do 1, 2, 3 or 4 nights a week. Is there an objection to a child spending just one or two nights and all boarding is “evil”? I’m sure most children have been on a residential school trip at some point in their lives. It’s not really that different, just more frequent.

My DD boards four nights a week and has done from Y7. She’s home with us for every weekend and we are extremely close. She FaceTimes regularly and if she wants or needs she can come home for the night (she hasn’t yet as she has such a fab life there). Family life is extremely important to the school and there’s several events each week that parents can go to. We are not held at arms length or removed from our teenagers life. We certainly didn’t “send her away” to get rid of her or make our life easier. The reasons we decided on it were:

1. It was the perfect school for her needs

2. She could have been a day girl but she’d be out the house from 7am to 7.30pm each day. She’d then have homework to do, dinner time and then to bed - we wouldn’t really see each other anyway.

3. She has a huge array of extra curricular activities that she loves. She can choose for herself and manage her time, without having to sacrifice things because I can’t get her there or it clashes with something her sibling does. Her life outside academic lessons has exploded considerably and is full of things she loves

4. I don’t know about you but most teens shut themselves away in their bedroom in the evenings and weekends. I felt like I was constantly asking DD to come downstairs and be sociable. That time is much better filled being with her friends and away from technology. Her social skills have come on no end

We have discovered that the pastoral side really is excellent. That might not be the case at every school but ours 100% is.

Many students start doing one night a week for some sleepover fun but by the time they reach GCSE year then over three quarters board three nights or more. It’s a huge amount of fun and yes the children are asking to do it.

I will add some caveats though:

1. I think the thought of full boarding before secondary age is awful. For military families and others with difficult home situations then I see it could be a necessity, but to send a seven year old away otherwise has nothing more to do than snob value. Modern day childcare is such that most parents could arrange for a nanny or after school provision for much less money.

2. My heart goes out to the international students who are sent on unaccompanied flights at the start of the year, live at school full time and go to a guardian in the holidays. They only go home for the summer holidays. I honestly couldn’t bear the thought of doing that to my child.

3. A child who doesn’t want to board should never be sent. A definite recipe for disaster.

But I guess we shouldn’t question other parents parenting decisions.

Do boarding schools take naughty 4 year olds?! Asking for a friend 😁

I boarded and had a great time.

@InChocolateWeTrust Yes but you can make informed decisions as to whether or not you also agree. Would you turn around to one of your kids who wanted to be a doctor and say they can’t do that because it came from them even though it was the right decision just because others come out with idiotic decisions and therefore you can’t trust in their judgement?

I went to boarding school. I loved it. My kids go to a boarding school that’s so welcoming to the whole family, strengthening for the children and generally amazing I would name it if it wouldn’t be outing.

Also on the ‘never at home’ rubbish. The holidays are so long that’s complete bollocks. Sorry. My kids are off for 2 months over summer, 1 month over Christmas and another month over Easter. That’s as well as 2 weeks for most half terms. An average uk school has 13 weeks over the whole year.

I think it's ok if your family finds it acceptable. Everyone seems to have different opinions about what they want for their children.

3 months of school holidays times .... years - insert the number of years in boarding school. If they went there from year 7 until completion of A Levels. That's actually 18 months - ONLY to spend with your children between the ages of 11 to 18. I would personally rather see them daily if I can.

If they board from year 3 - 6 for example that's another 9 months that they spend at home between the ages of 7-11. So in total from 8 ish - 18 years old you see your child for just over 2 years? For weekly boarders add 72 days per year.

Personally it's not enough. I feel like I would rob them and my husband of family time and the love they would never experience at school. 10 years vs 27 months . . .

I want my children to have the best chances of getting a great education, being all rounders and being able to cope in the world.

My job, in my eyes, is to make sure the kids can cope when I am not around and be able to stand on their self sufficiency whilst understanding that I have their back and will put how I feel behind what’s best for them.

I neither want them to be mummy’s boys/girls or tearaways, just well rounded people.

I don’t think you can understand the community around a boarding school. The matches, concerts, speech days, fayres, balls, and trips mean you are never really far away and you often know the other parents and kids better than you do at other schools. It’s not jail.

Sorry stand on their own two feet and be self sufficient. I care desperately for my kids - they can always come to me, they can always rely on me but they aren’t my property.

Your maths is completely off there.

4 months (2 summer, 1 Christmas, 1 easter) + 6 weeks for 3xhalf terms. So 5.5 months. Nearly half the year.
Times 7 years of senior school = 38.5 months = 3years & 2.5 months.

Non-boarders in wrap around care would get 13 weeks x 7 = 91 weeks = 1 year 39 weeks + weekends (78 days = 11 weeks) so just under 2 years for actual "family time".

Plus if your counting years 3 - 6 you need to calculate 4 years worth, not 3.

Yet children all over the world manage to get a great education and grow up as all-rounders, not mummy's boys and girls or tearaways, and able to cope in the world without going to boarding school. It does seem a little odd to feel that only sending them away to be looked after by strangers will achieve that.

When I went to university as a boarding school graduate, it was clear that my contemporaries who had been to day schools were coping just as well as I was, and in many cases better, despite my experience of being away from my family.

Personally I would still prefer to spend 7 years with them Vs 3 and a bit.

The poster didn't say that the only way to achieve good all rounders is to send them to boarding school - she didn't even imply it.

Today's boarding schools have to cater to discerning parents who are fully capable of weighing up the advantages and disadvantages of boarding. They are businesses, and to be successful they have to make sure that parents are happy. This nearly always means ensuring that the children are happy at school.

There is a massive difference between boarding schools today, and their image of cold, punitive places which is a legacy from their past and which still pervades many people's imagination of them.

This is the sort of reasoning my mother gave for sending me to boarding school.

I grew up to be very self assured and independent. In fact, I barely speak to my mother anymore.

NRTFT

the handful of people I’ve known who were sent to boarding school, mainly from young ages are mainly women, one man but all have a lot of resentment towards their parents.

Growing up in a working class council estate boarding is just not something people would consider unless it was borstal, I knew a few that were sent there…

I can see how some children would benefit though. I hated my home life growing up, the thought of being sent to boarding school would have been a dream for me to be able to escape my toxic narc mother. I remember asking if I could be sent to an all girls Catholic school in Ireland and my parents laughing. I think even now id have preferred the nuns.

I like the idea of flexi boarding and can see the benefits for some children, particularly teenagers, having the resources and quiet space to study and forcus on school work. Kids who are active in clubs and sports being able to spend the time they need on them, not relying on parents to run them round and missing out especially if they have siblings and parents can’t cater for everyone’s needs. Seeing their friends when ever they want, again not needed to rely on parents or transport.

if we could afford it, which is never going to happen, I would definitely consider it, I think each child would be different in regards to whether it would be best for them. But not until they were at least 13/14, the thought of sending my babies to boarding school, not a chance. I know some schools take them as young as 4, it would absolutely break my heart sending a 4yo off to boarding school.

Just putting these here

She certainly more than implied that boarding offers the best chance for children to become all rounders and cope in the world - also that it's the best way for them to develop self-sufficiency etc; to the extent that she would put her own feelings and instincts to one side and send them to board because that is what is best for them. It's reasonable to point out that you can achieve all those benefits without opting for boarding schools.

I'm struggling to understand what the rest of your post has to do with mine.

Boarding school survivor here.

I'd never do it to my kids after going through it myself

My husband went to boarding school along with his brother because his parents were overseas. I had no experience of boarding schools and not even aware growing up that those places existed but as a family they are so close.

DS is a full boarder and very happy now 17. Our local school is good but he didn't want to go into the state system and though started flexi boarding taking the train was very tiring for him and long days. If he wasn't happy there I wouldn't expect him to stay. He said he works better and is more focussed at school and is doing well.

I know someone who was sent to a boarding school to remove them from gang grooming. An unusual situation there though.

My cousins also went (much older) as their parents could only get jobs in the Middle East at the time. They’d previously worked in the UK (uk born) and were made redundant. It was a time when Companies weren’t valuing a long time in a single role and they just really struggled for employment in their sector. My cousins had attended the school as a day school and already knew everyone. They very much enjoyed it, though I know I wouldn’t have in the same position.