why do you send your child to boarding school?

[FunnysInLaJardin]

Not wishing to be inflammatory and not really an AIBU, but honestly wondering why any parent would at any age send their DC to boarding school.

Aside from forces children, why would you do it?

I have a colleague at work who is sending her child in year 9, and have known lots of kids and parents who have been, but to me as a parent it is unfathomable.

One colleagues daughter really wanted to go to day school here, and he wouldn't hear of it. It was boarding at all costs.

Aside from the sheer cost, doesn't the emotional apspect bother you? A school cannot parent a teen or child like a parent can.

Really interested in a different perspective

I boarded at state sixth form from 16 and loved it. I had far more freedom than I ever did at home. 30 years later, we sent ds to the same place as it was the only way for him to do his A levels in one place (Forces family abroad with a move due in Year 13). He loved it too.

@Wouldloveanother I completely agree - it is a case of priorities - in my case it was what my daughter wanted and needed ie a specialist baording school over what I wanted which was to keep my daughter at home regardless - I 'm sure that had you been in my position you would have put yourself over your child and kept them at home regardless of what was best for them - I chose to do the opposite and took the heartwrenching decision to let them board at a school miles from me that offered what they wanted. In the circumstances I think I was the parent who made the sacrifices and you would have been the selfish one prioriting yourself.

There have been quite a few similar posts to yours over the last couple of years. Did you search for any of those before asking your fake not being inflammatory AIBU? I replied to a couple of those previous threads with my family's reasons. But it becomes clear that people like you asking aren't really interested. So why are you asking? Be honest - are you a journalist trying to write an article. If so say so. From your OP - you are not considering this option for your DC so why post?

When kids turn 18, that’s it - they’re an adult, they’ll probably fly the nest, you’ll probably never live with them again. They’ll have the next 40+ years for careers/hobbies. The slice of time before that is so tiny, and I think making the most of that time and cementing those close family bonds is really important. They’ll matter more than playing musical instruments etc over the course of life.

@Wouldloveanother I agree - mine is home about once a week now to spend time with me as she loves being at home on her own terms but she absolutely loves being at conservatoire and would be the first to acknowlege that she was allowed to fly free and do her own thing rather than being kept to the grind stone of a London day school that didn't give a monkeys about what was important to her. I suspect that your children will want to run a mile from such a controlling mother when they have the chance to do so (I certainly did) whilst I enjoy the company of a daughter who recognizes that I put her first..

And you should be massively embarrassed about talking about playing musical instruments as a hobby for someone who wants to make it their career.

DS full boarded from age 13. He had a place at a local day school, and also a local boarding school. We let him choose. He chose to board. He said he liked having everything on site (sports mainly) and not having to travel to school every day.

DH and I both went to really rough underfunded comps, so I'm pleased I have been able to offer nicer environments for my dc to be educated in.
DC2 asked to weekly board at age 13, which really did suit her. But there's additional needs with her, so slightly different situation from the 'norm'.
I did miss having them at home at first, but as they were both local, we saw them loads, and FaceTime is brilliant!

I think there's a huge difference between a child seeing all the facilities a boarding school can offer, and wanting to go, knowing they are loved and being supported from home, and the child that is literally sent away from home to full board when they don't want to.

@londonmummy1966 you sound really insecure if I’m honest and a bit guilty. I’m not going to continue this exchange as it doesn’t feel right to me.

Completely agree. Probably thinks Mozart would have been no loss as long as she'd got snooksie snuggles with lots of hot choc out of him as a nipper.

My young cousin is currently studying at Kings College and has said multiple times that the majority of his friends who attended boarding school have significant mental health/addiction problems.

I went to boarding school aged 8. A very bad experience. Though my parents said "you wanted to go! You loved Mallory Towers!"

I would question those parents who say their primary school aged child was capable of making a major life decision like that.

My public school was less unhappy and my closes friends now (we're in our 40s) are my friends from there. But now we're able to talk about it, we all agree that it was a deeply emotionally traumatising experience and one which has caused us all problems in our relationships in adult life.

It was "character-building" in a way. Just not a way I'd want any of my own children to have to endure.

"The Making Of Them" is an excellent book on the subject.

@wouldlovenother

You spend 40+ years in a career.
Only 18 years as a child at home.

Of course the music/career is more important.

I don't have a gifted child but if I did, damn right would I send them anywhere they needed to go to get the specialist provision they needed that a day school couldn't provide. You'd be a pretty awful parent not to! (Or at least try to)

We live in a rural area and both DH & I travel quite a bit for work. My two DC both weekly boarded from Year 7 at state boarding schools. They were away 4 nights a week. Worked well for us as a family. The first two years for DC1 were harder - his house culture wasn't v caring though he loved the academics and didn't want to love back to the local school. In Year 9 they moved into a different house with a lovely housemaster and it was much better and he thrived from then on.

DC2 was in a different school to DC1 for Years 7-11 where they were really good at the pastoral care in the boarding house. DC2 did though choose to go to the DC1's school for 6th form and really enjoyed it - finished last week.

Why did we look at boarding. I didn't board but grew up in a big city and loved the independence it gave me was a teenager. DH boarded from 7 after his mother died when he was 6, as you can imagine tough in many ways. He thought boarding totally unsuitable for children at such a young age but did like it as a weekly boarder from 13.

We live on a farm, 4 miles from the nearest bus, 2.5 miles from the nearest village. By weekly boarding our two were both able to have independence - go off to clubs in town, triathlon, choirs, scouts and guides. State boarding schools are less gated communities than private boarding schools so they just went to normal clubs with their non boarding contemporaries and have a broad set of friends.

I was also able to adapt my work and do 5 days a week in the term time while they were at school and do much less in the school holidays so spend time with them then. As others have said many children with two full time working parents don't see their parents very much anyway. While they were at school I spoke to my DC every day and saw them Fri eve, Sat, Sun, and Mon for breakfast. Both schools were about an hour away so we could go across easily for school events.

Every family structure, circumstances and geography differs so their decision making criteria will differ. Ideally I'd have preferred to wait for them boarding till 13 but we didn't want to move them twice ie end of primary and then again after two years in secondary as that would have been socially disruptive.

We lived far from any good schools (local school had a drug and teen pregnancy reputation) and my parents sent my sister and I to boarding school in the city they grew up in. We loved it. And my parents still parented us! It was a lot of fun living with my friends in term time. And I was and am a very independent and emotionally stable adult. Also very very close to my parents, sis and I always were.

it was hard on mum. She missed us terribly.

what people ALWAYS misunderstand about boarding school is that if you have good parents to begin with, it can be a fantastic experience educationally and emotionally. It’s not about boarding or not. It’s about the parents and how good they are.

Mozart was taught by his own father. But I digress…

I think she sounds like a fabulous mother who is supporting her child and doing all she can to help them achieve their dreams and full potential.

Stymieing a person’s developments because you want to ‘cement family bonds’ sounds exceedingly selfish to me. Particularly as there are people who go to boarding school and have fabulous relationships with their families and people who went to day schools who can’t stand their families at all (MN posts prove this on a daily basis). It’s not a given, one way or the other.

Stepping away from this thread as some posters are getting very defensive and in the course of that, personal.

People can disagree with you without being ‘defensive’ (I don’t even have kids). And if you think it’s acceptable to tell a poster that she sounds insecure and guilty, you can hardly object to being told that you sound selfish. Free flow of opinions and all that.

Travelling to school everyday is not a big deal.
You travel to work everyday, would you rather live there?

It seems that you have no concept of what a regular school life is like.

I cannot imagine not seeing my children everyday and helping them with their homework, having a cuddle, watching TV, and as for children asking to board?! How would that even be suggested if it wasn't subconsciously planted in their head as young children?

You should question why your child would rather live with stranger than sleep at home with their family if they were really so eager to board.

I find the excuses of school run and driving to activities as a reason to board total bullshit, how many parents work full time and don't give a second thought to these things?

Be honest, you don't want to parent your own child, you prefer it when they are not there.

I don't understand why anyone would have their child board unless there was absolutely no choice. And working long hours isn't a good excuse imo. If you have children, be around for them, change jobs to better hours.

Kids need to be with their families. However strong kids seem, however independent they seem as teens, they still cry and get upset and need the comfort of loving parents. My strapping big eldest boy will still sometimes come crying to me when he's upset. He's built like a shit brick house and is super independent.

And as a parent, wouldn't you miss them? Childhood is short as it is, to waste them by sending your kids away is unbelievable.

@wordlewordle

Do you really think that 6 months of weekly boarding at 13 caused this?

If it’s actually really what you do, rather than your ex putting the boot in.

I do find it interesting some of the reasons used to justify it.
7 yr old wanted to go (because thought was like Hogwarts)
They do sport & activities till late anyway so may as well stay there? Who is that really benefitting - them or you? (Convenience).
They get amazing time with their friends - do they need to be with their friends more than their parents &/or siblings when most of the school day they’re with their friends anyway?
Great experience - so are many things.
I’m not anti - but a child has no idea what kind of a decision they’re making & if their parents didn’t board neither do they.
Certainly wouldn’t recommend it if financially it will impact to the point kids are reminded of school fees constantly - guilt trips aren’t beneficial for mh/self esteem.
They are a conveyor belt & first & foremost a business dependent on what their results are at A level etc & v skilled at selling a dream.
Not sure how many really individually look at a child’s strengths & would be prepared to encourage options other than university (apart from gap years)
The pressure to be the same & follow the same path ie university makes me wonder how able they are
Not convinced how inclusive & proactive they really are esp with ND - girls especially who can go under radar more from masking
If money is zero option & you can cherry pick a flexi option for your teen ie 16 yr old who wants to go - then possibly.
Not convinced about their fostering independence - life skills aren’t learned/taught is all about academics/sport/music/extra curricular & quite institutionalising (maybe more so if gone at young age however)
Most of my contemporaries/siblings sent very young have mh /attachment probs as a result.
Interesting to hear the positive experiences on here & how it saved others from abuse/neglect etc at home. And where residential school beneficial for kids with disabilities, needs not met by mainstream day school.

A colleague of mine went to boarding school in Auckland, NZ. She's from a farming family - it was that or correspondence school. She says she loved it - but she also described some hazing rituals that I would have hated.

She doesn't have any emotional issues as far as I can tell.

Thank you, @teelizzy.

Fair bit of bitchiness creeping into this thread, hope it's not related to whether posters boarded or not as children... 😏

That aside, I'm really pleased the op created this thread - good to learn from people's different experiences, good and bad. I've considered before whether I'd send any child of mine to boarding school and while it used to be a flat 'no', as I've got older and seen some of the opportunities available in public (private) education that aren't necessarily there in state schools, I've revised my opinion a bit.

I probably won't know until/unless I'm in the position to, but I think I'd consider flexi boarding for teenagers if my children were really keen.

I do think it's heartbreaking to send pre-teens to board, although I understand there are some circumstances where its the best thing for them and hope I wouldn't judge if a met parents who were doing just that.

All a bit moot though since I'm conflicted as to whether I agree with paid-for education or not!

Never knew state boarding schools were a thing either.

I know many families with SAHMs who have sent their children to boarding school. Some do 5 days a week / Flexi boarding. Personally not for me. There's nothing in this world that would make me send my children away. Unless I have an abusive relationship or something of that nature why would I keep them away from their home and daily cuddles?