why do you send your child to boarding school?

[FunnysInLaJardin]

Not wishing to be inflammatory and not really an AIBU, but honestly wondering why any parent would at any age send their DC to boarding school.

Aside from forces children, why would you do it?

I have a colleague at work who is sending her child in year 9, and have known lots of kids and parents who have been, but to me as a parent it is unfathomable.

One colleagues daughter really wanted to go to day school here, and he wouldn't hear of it. It was boarding at all costs.

Aside from the sheer cost, doesn't the emotional apspect bother you? A school cannot parent a teen or child like a parent can.

Really interested in a different perspective

Some children choose to board at that age. Like having time with their friends.

I would allow it from 16-18 but not sooner than that. They’ll have all the time in the world for their friends after school when they leave home, so they’re stuck with me until then!

I don't think it's anywhere near like the historic boarding schools. I used to nanny for wealthy families and the girls are both currently in a boarding school. They previously had a nanny all day up until bed time, at weekends and on holidays so actually I imagine they probably have much more consistency at school. They come home nearly every weekend.
I don't think it sounds bad. I wish more children in crap homes had this option.

There will be many reasons, I suppose. It’s not for every child but some do seem to like it. Mine flexi-board- they stay2-3 (sometimes more) nights per week and absolutely love it. Not sure I’d want them away full time, but I don’t condemn parents who decide it’s the right thing for their family.

we chose the school as it was the best fit for us, they could have been day pupils and that’s what they went as originally. But all ended up asking to board some nights and eldest is there more nights than home some weeks because her friends are there, there are always interesting activities going on, or she is getting help with work/music etc or there are social events on. They can be fantastic environments for some.

A colleague, heading for senior partnership in the acct firm, DH similar level job - their only child is in boarding school, at his request apparently.
both parents leave the hse by 6am and got back 8/9pm and often work weekends.they had a nanny. To me it seems like the poor wee fucker was lonely and decided anything was better than being at home with a nanny and housekeeper all day long. Parents are delighted that he’s now boarding instead of being a day pupil.
another colleague - grandpa and dad went to Harrow, so he’s sending his kid even tho he himself hated it. It was character building tho and made him ‘independent.
Friend - her parents sent her away, she didn’t want to go but in their circles kids got shipped off at 12/13 after ‘prep’ so she thinks it was a status thing.

It must be tempting to get rid of your child just as they start moving on from being a sweet 10/11/12 year old to a moody teen under the guise of the ‘best’
education. I wouldn’t, I actually like my kids and would like them to have half a shot at becoming decent adults, but for the life of me I can understand the parents who ship off 7/8 year olds.

now that is a different question. Most children from poor homes dont have the £45k a year to spend on schooling.

Although there I am assuming crap homes = poor homes which is not always the case

‘Boarding School Syndrome’ is real, and that’s
before you throw in bullying, sexual abuse and everything else.

I sent our son at age 12 to Royal Alexander in Redhill- state school co Ed- but with boarding. So the cost is equivalent to say private school but not the same as boarding school- he went for 2 years and we had to pull him as could no longer afford it- as an only one he loved it (apart from prep) he didn't love that. He wanted to go , we didn't suggest it- he knew someone else there. Was good for him socially and he learnt to navigate his way home via trains etc- don't regret it at all

I suppose if your parents aren't at home anyway, boarding would provide valuable stability.

Its not the case with the family I know. One had a SAHM and dad who worked 9-5 and the other mum worked PT and dad is retired.

I get that some people think its the best thing for their kids, but with a normal functioning family, I dont really understand why.

I have 2 teens and love watching them grow and hearing the details of their day to day life

My teenager with complex needs will be at residential school from next year in preparation for supported living as an adult.

and that again is a different scenario, although no less valid and I imagine no less difficult

I used to work with a woman who sent her young children away to boarding school. She was a miserable cold character. Why she ever had kids I will never know!

Some of the stories on this thread are so sad. I can’t imagine how lonely a child must be when their parents are at work from 6am - 8pm and they barely see them. Why bother having any? Poor little boy.

My brother went to boarding school aged 7. Our family relationship with him is very poor. He works abroad and has never had a meaningful relationship. The suicide/addiction/MH issues rate amongst his school peers is depressingly high. My DD is now 7 and there's no way I could send her. I will never understand how my DM could do it.

I know children who were sent at 7. It's has damaged their relationships with their parents irreparably

I know a lot of boys who go in year 9 - but come back at the weekends. It suits sociable, sporty boys, who would otherwise spend a lot of time on a coach to get to the right school. Remember year 9 is age 13.

It wouldn't have suited my children though. My dad boarded from year 4 as his parents were in the forces and he absolutely loved it. I just went to a normal state school.

‘He wanted to go , we didn't suggest it’

christ, the number of time I’ve heard this from upper MC/upper class parents. It’s weird that the 8/9 year olds in normal circumstances don’t all seem to be clammering to be sent away to boarding school.
I’ve had kids that age come over for sleepovers for the night with my kids who get nervous about just spending the night away from home.
I’ve a mate who revealed her Rugby educated ex- boyfriend still occasionally had ‘toileting’ issues as she called it as a result of his boarding days.
in his mid 30s…he was another one who’s wealth family sent the boys off at 8/9 to school. the girls went somewhere else but a bit older 13 ish

As in he wet the bed in his 30s

DH boarded weekly from age 9 (not in UK) and full boarding from age 13 in the UK. Parents worked for an NGO in another continent. So contact by letter only for 3 months at a time, long unaccompanied journeys.

He was in a state school with boarding houses and on many conventional measures did very well academically and professionally.

It's only as our kids have reached the same stage that he has truly realised the toll it took on him emotionally. He "forgets" or "moves on" from difficult situations without resolving them and is wary of forming friendships. We've been together since we were both 21 and I remember how angry he was then with his parents for sending him away. He says he doesn't remember.

Boarding isn't something we've ever considered.

I come from a ''boarding'' family, and was the only one of my siblings who didn't board. I send my daughter to a boarding school, not full time but ''flexi'' board. The reason I opted to is because I see it as the best of both worlds for 3 reasons: The first, I'm a single Mum, with a full time job and I therefore can't be there in the afternoon, or drive her to activities after school or play dates etc. Not by choice but by necessity. The boarding environment gives her access to all of the activities she wants to do and the opportunity to socialize in a way she wouldn't be able to at a day school. The second reason is that it's a selective school, she gets the challenge she needs and the opportunity to participate in extra-curricular academic opportunities (debates, competitions etc) that again she wouldn't in a day school. The 3rd, it's helped her develop independence and resilience.

The balance of the time, she's home with me & it just works for her. I wouldn't do the full board thing, as I agree - a school cannot proxy for a parent.

Boarding school syndrome dates from a time when boarding schools were harsh, unyielding and physically uncomfortable places.

This image clings on, although boarding schools today are hugely different places. They can offer outstanding educational facilities, excellent pastoral care, abundant extra curricular activities and beautiful locations.

They do foster independence, whilst not forcing children to be on the premises for long periods of time. Pupils are often flexi boarders, staying at school through choice.

An ex of mine was sent at 7. He described heartbreaking moments of fear and loneliness. So sad as his parents were perfectly nice people it was just the done thing in their social circle.

My mate sent his three to 6th form. It worked for them well.

I can't understand sending little ones though.

I should add he suffered very severe mental health problems that he carried into adulthood. His life never recovered.

It's equivalent to being put in care ...abandonment ..breaking of attachments. Being taught on a totally subconscious level thst you must not need love or true care because relationships are transactional. Ie.yoir teacher is also your parent so there is no love.

My mother went as there were was no post 12yo education on her Island. The other option was the secondary on the mainland, but she would have been put up by a host family.

Her school was full of children in similar circumstances... forces, foreign office etc. Its apparently still the same.

With DH in the Army, we looked at it, but DD1 wasn't keen. So now DDs and I live in our own house, and DH weekly commutes 500miles round trip each week.