why do you send your child to boarding school?

[FunnysInLaJardin]

Not wishing to be inflammatory and not really an AIBU, but honestly wondering why any parent would at any age send their DC to boarding school.

Aside from forces children, why would you do it?

I have a colleague at work who is sending her child in year 9, and have known lots of kids and parents who have been, but to me as a parent it is unfathomable.

One colleagues daughter really wanted to go to day school here, and he wouldn't hear of it. It was boarding at all costs.

Aside from the sheer cost, doesn't the emotional apspect bother you? A school cannot parent a teen or child like a parent can.

Really interested in a different perspective

I was sent at 13 as my mum and I just weren't getting along. Our home was 15 mins drive away and I was the only of 4 siblings to be sent. It was awful at the start but I do remember having lots of fun once I was more settled. I weekly boarded for 6 months in the end.

Reading this thread with great interest and the penny is dropping even more about why I push people away and "don't know what love is" according to an ex.

Probably because they are too busy working to be bothered with them apart of
course from the children with needs where specialist provision is available

Well my father, two aunts, two cousins and ex boyfriend all went to boarding school and all hated it.
One of my cousins who went has never forgiven her parents even though she's in her 40s now.
Uncle and aunt worked abroad and they weren't allowed to have their kids there after a certain age so that was why.
Ex boyfriend went off the rails after his dad died and his grandmother paid for him to go to boarding school but I don't think it helped.
My dad and his two sisters won schlorships to go to boarding school. They lived on a farm in rural Ireland and I think my grandparents thought boarding school would help with their careers. They all did well as adults but hated boarding school.
So I would never send mine. Luckily my DDs never expressed an interest (apart from a short time after reading Malory Towers.

I went to a boarding school aged 11, it really changed my life for the better as leaving home removed me from the difficult situation at home. I'd agree with @Meadowbreeze , I wish more children with tricky homelife have this choice. Also, yes crap homes take many forms, often not related with money and sometimes it is not within the parents' control to change the situation. I am grateful that my parents sent me away.

In my country, there are state boarding schools which you go to if you live really far away (e.g. somewhere very rural) so I don't think it is seen as a punishment, just something you had to do because there was no option. So no feeling of rejection or abandonment.

I'm so sorry to hear this

I fully accept that boarding schools nowadays are a vast improvement on the one I went to, but I still wouldn't contemplate it for my children unless I absolutely had to. The idea of sending my child away for 38 weeks a year to be looked after by strangers, no matter how good at their jobs they may be, seemed really quite bizarre and alien, and still does. I was miserable enough when DD went away to university, I simply couldn't have contemplated sending her away any earlier.

I used to fairly ambivalent about boarding until our DC went as day pupils to a mixed day and boarding school. I was pretty horrified. A mum of one boarder told me she doesn’t speak to her child in term time because it upsets him too much. Another freely admitted that her child didn’t like boarding but the school managed his dyslexia really well, so he’d have to stay.
I do know people who have gone to boarding school and loved it, and if mine wanted to board when they were older I’d consider it, but I wouldn’t continue to let my DC board when they were vocal about how much they didn’t like it.

Dh went to boarding school at 13. Had a very good relationship with his late parents (better than day school ed-ed me had with mine) and understood they wanted him to have the best education.
He's a great guy and has been a hands on dad (we couldn't afford it for ours, prices have outstripped inflation)
Everyone's an individual and every family is different. Shocking I know.

I’m in Ireland and went to a prep boarding school from 10-12 and didn’t particularly enjoy it.

However I also went to secondary boarding from 12 and loved every minute of it! If I could relive those years I would. I was very sporty so it worked well for me, my parents were separated and my mum worked in a restaurant so was working most evenings. I used to come home for the day on a Sunday.

It really suits some kids and doesn’t suit others. I don’t have any plans to send mine mainly due to cost, a lot of schools here you can go Monday morning and come home Friday lunchtime. I think that’s a good mix.

One of mine boarded at a specialist music school 300 miles away for a few years until I could move up to be with her. Then she sort of ducked in and out of boarding, occasionally spending time as a day girl, occasionally moving back to board full time as rehearsals and commitments ran until 9pm, later in concert seasons. The thing was, we aren't professional musicians and when she had achieved a grade 7 dist' by the time she was 8 having only taken her instrument up 18 months before. She was driven to practice many hours a day and it was impossible to combine this with conventional schooling. She didn't want to stop, and so it was obvious we needed to do something and her teacher recommended we do. She couldn't access the specialist tuition she needed at home - even countywide and she was increasingly isolated locally. We thought it might be good for her to meet other similar people.
It was hard and not something I ever thought I'd have to do. I don't think I'd consider it for any other reason, but you really don't know until you're in that position.

Like the PP upthread specialist music schools offer up to 100% bursaries based on parental income via a DFES scheme.

It was HARD, I'll not deny that, but in our case we did what we thought was best at the time.

I think and hope that boarding school now is different to how it was twenty years ago, DD is going to a senior school as a day pupil in September but will stay overnight occasionally and she will be very happy to do so. I know of 5 people my own age who boarded from aged 8 and 3 of them have issues because of it.

My child was desperate to go to boarding school. I sent them on holiday camps which used boarding schools and they thought they were amazing. I just said we could never afford it, they went to local state school for secondary. They ended up applying for and winning a fully funded place at a top one in Years 12-13. Actually didn't have a great time (bullied, almost expelled) but they wanted to do it so I supported them.

I attended boarding school from the age of 11 -16.
The first 3 months my parents lived in a different country, whilst I was at school in the UK
so I didn't see them during that time until they moved back to the uk.

The home sickness was utterly unbearable and it's strange because my mum was (and is) a caring and lovely mum and despite begging to come home they kept me there until I was 16.

There were times that I enjoyed school and it was a brilliant school but it was over shadowed by periods of home sickness that was physically painful.

My brother followed a year after me at the age of 10 and stayed until he was 18 - he loved it x

It's not something I'd choose for my own kids, I still feel a bit bitter about it now in my 30s xx

I always think of Scrooge left at school for Christmas.
I know a few people who went to boarding school. One was bullied and was pulled out of the school completely by their parents as soon as they found out.
One had three other siblings, but only they boarded, all their siblings went home daily because their father basically couldn't stand this one child which is really sad especially as he ended up being sexually abused.
I also know of a difficult teen who was packed off to board because sahm and retired dad couldn't cope with them.
Two other siblings boarded (together) in the UK as their parents were too busy with work abroad, they seem very normal compared to the other ones.

@Wilkolampshade - a grade 7 distinction by aged 8??? thats amazing your DD must be very talented and dedicated :-)

My colleague has sent her 8 year old DD to a boarding school less than 3 miles from their home. I just don’t get it. She earns enough to employ a nanny and housekeeper in the past and we both WFH. She said she finds it difficult to “focus on work” with her DD around and advance her career (already holds a senior role).

I’m judging her and am totally unapologetic about it.

My Mum had abusive (but very wealthy) parents and she always begged them to let her go to boarding school.

Her and her sisters were quite messed up by their upbringing and I often wonder how much more stable she'd have been if brought up in a boarding school instead.

That said, there's been loads of reports of boarding school abuse by teachers too, so it's not exactly a guarantee to be better or safer for children. I guess it might be better if they have a terrible home life.

It's not something I would do personally, but I can see how some kids could benefit.

I think there’s a certain amount of Stockholm syndrome amongst those who went to boarding school themselves. For instance I had a work colleague/ friend who was sent to boarding at about 8. He was utterly fucked up, he hated it and also was massively emotionally crippled. Could only let his true feelings out when absolutely hammered. Last time I heard from him he was planning on sending his kids too. I guess doing so helps him deal with the fact his parents abandoned him at a young age.

That is so sad about not speaking to the dc in term time

My father boarded from age 7. He attended a senior school now notorious for child abuse although it seems that DF escaped that, thankfully (though he does have tales of attempted grooming by teachers). He’s only barely functioning if you ask me - he’s so emotionally damaged with all sorts of attachment issues. But then again, his parents were pretty odd people, very cold, so maybe staying at home wouldn’t have been better.

my 8yo contributed the other day to a random conversation that he thinks boarding school would be ‘a good option for anyone whose parents are just too embarrassing to want to spend any time with’ … I did ask if he wanted to share something but he declined.

No kids yet, but I went to boarding school. As did my siblings, DH and most people we know. I loved it! I’m very academic, very sporty and fairly extroverted. I’m not sure if I loved school because of these factors or became this way because of school, but it certainly all worked out rather well.

It’s interesting hearing the views on here. My parents are lovely warm people, who I adore. It never occurred to me to resent them. (They also went to boarding school, if it’s relevant).

The home sickness was utterly unbearable and it's strange because my mum was (and is) a caring and lovely mum and despite begging to come home they kept me there until I was 16

im sorry this happened to you. That isn’t a caring and lovely parent though that listens and ignores a small child begging to come home because of feeling physically ill through homesickness

I went at 11 (late eighties) and loathed it. I had come from a state primary, and school was full of bitchy girls who had come through the prep school system and had already started French and Latin so I was terribly behind.

I was bullied and developed MH issues which the school ignored. We had creepy male house fathers who would tuck us in at night (age 13/14) and cop a feel.

As it happens, home life was also shit so there wasn’t a viable option even if I’d wanted it.

No one told their parents what it was really like.

No why on earth would I send mine.

I grew up in the arse end of nowhere. 2 of my sibs weekly-boarded from 13 onwards; I was jealous as there was absolutely nothing to do in the evenings and, in those pre-mobile phone days, I couldn't even chat with my mates. But weekly or flexi-boarding is very different from full, IMO.