why do you send your child to boarding school?

[FunnysInLaJardin]

Not wishing to be inflammatory and not really an AIBU, but honestly wondering why any parent would at any age send their DC to boarding school.

Aside from forces children, why would you do it?

I have a colleague at work who is sending her child in year 9, and have known lots of kids and parents who have been, but to me as a parent it is unfathomable.

One colleagues daughter really wanted to go to day school here, and he wouldn't hear of it. It was boarding at all costs.

Aside from the sheer cost, doesn't the emotional apspect bother you? A school cannot parent a teen or child like a parent can.

Really interested in a different perspective

Everyone I know who sent their DC to boarding school (DC now mid to late 20s) did so because their DC didn't get offered places at: KCS, St Paul's, Westminster, etc., so were sent instead to Stowe, Harrow, Lancing, Charterhouse.............

The DC all seem to have grown up very well and are lovely young people.

I went to boarding school, absolutely loved it, have a fantastic relationship with my parents and wouldn't change a thing. For every anecdotal story about a fucked up kid sent away by their unloving, cold hearted parents I’m sure there’s plenty more who made an informed choice, with input from their child, and realised the absolute massive opportunity for different life experiences that boarding school brings.

I full-boarded from 9 (b. 1970), other than isolated bits I mostly didn't enjoy it* but wasn't assaulted or bullied and have emerged reasonably unscathed, got on fine with my parents. I think this modern flexi-boarding would have been better, or going later at 13.

At our school exeat wasn't half-term but was an additional two weekends off - the first between the start of term and half-term and the other towards the other end of term.

Here's a copy of the Equipment List which was distributed to all parents brodiesnotes.blogspot.com/2020/12/a-packing-list-from-1979-for-girls.html

*Hallowe'en was always fun, collecting our trunks a day or so before the end of term from the trunk room to pack was also a happy memory, enjoyed the coach trips - I quite like having lunch from a paper bag ;)

Jo

@Wineandrun the fact ‘boarding school syndrome’ is recognised as a specific psychological disorder suggests that more often than not it’s a negative experience

We would never be able to afford to send ours - we live in a totally different world. I can see the benefit of sending a willing teen to boarding school, but the idea of shipping off a 7 year old is barbaric to me. At that age, you need parental love and guidance much more than education and extra curricular activities. No wonder we have successful little psychopaths with wealthy backgrounds running most of the country.

I had a sad home life, went to boarding school at 13, loved it.

Loved the consistency and security.
But I love and cherish my own kids far too much to send them away for someone else to bring up. Childhood is short enough. I had to learn to be alone at 13; I want my own kids to know they are loved and secure for their whole childhood. Me and my peers at boarding school enjoyed it, but our relationship with our parents was never the same.

so yeah, I tend to agree with those saying it is a good alternative for kids who aren’t being nurtured at home. But a poor second to a loving secure family life for a growing child.

@essexmummy321 thank you, well, yes she is, but that kind of ability comes with demands which can be incredibly hard to live with for the whole family, particularly siblings. At her new school she was finally in a class where she was no longer seen as 'weird' or 'nerdy' or 'freakish' - all things she was called at her first school.
In that way the move was a good thing.

What is the point in being wealthy when you are constantly working and ship your dc’s off to boarding school?!

This is a really interesting thread, just working my way through but phone about it die.

What's boarding school syndrome please?

I imagine that it depends on where you live perhaps.

Having always lived in urban exciting large cities around the world as I do now, my DC get loads of interesting stimulation from our city and their school.

If we lived in the arse end of nowhere bored AF with nothing much to do then I'd definitely think about sending them to boarding school esp as it would probably take me a while to get to work etc and for them to, I presume, have a very limited choice of schools.

I find it really interesting when people say 'my 7/8 year old wanted to go. It was their choice...'

My 8 year old wants to be a superhero and a ninja. He wants to eat cake all day long. He wants to get tik tok and have his own YouTube channel. He wants to watch scary movies on TV. He is not allowed to do those things. He is too young to fully understand the consequence. He doesn't fully get that eating cake all day wouldn't be good for him. That wearing a superhero outfit and running around the local city on his own would be more likely to get him in vulnerable positions than enable him to fly and have crowds applaud him as a hero. He is too young to understand that on day two at boarding school the aloneness would hit him like a brick and by the end of term he'd have had to learn to cut off all his emotion, become cold just to survive missing his mummy hugs ..

A friend in diplomatic service sends her kids.to boarding school so they have continuity and are educated in a British school.
I find it sad for them and it hasn't been the best. One of them has a serious drinking problem at 16.
Stephen Fry put me off boarding schools. In his autobiography he said he found he could cope being in prison because he was used to living in an institution. (He was done for credit card fraud at 18 or so and served a few weeks I think). Kids from state schools had a terrible time whereas he breezed through. He was sent away to school at 7 and that prepared him for prison. Horrible.

I wouldn't consider it unless my child requested to go and they over the age of 13/14. Even then it would need to be for specific reasons. I would so scared of potential bullying, abuse and stress.

My nephews went to a private school you could board at. The eldest one was desperate to board after the first year and absolutely loved it. The youngest continued as a day student. Some kids want to board.

I went to boarding school at 14 and really enjoyed it. I mainly went for the education - we lived in rural area with a dearth of secondary school options, but l loved the social aspect. My friends from boarding school are still my friends 20 years later and I received an incredible, well-rounded education.

People seem to think you send your kids to boarding school and never see them again - I was home for a month at Christmas, a month at Easter and almost four months over the summer + half terms. I spoke to my parents almost every night and arguably had as many, if not more, quality conversations with than parents than my friends who were going through that teenage separation, individuation stage while living at home.

At boarding school, there were a handful of wealthy kids from neglectful families. But there were far more from loving families who wanted their children to have a rich educational experience.

I’m still incredibly close with my parents and most of my friends from boarding school are the same. If anything, I appreciate what they sacrificed, especially my mum, to allow me to go away to school and really grow into my independence - I’m sure it wasn’t easy for her. That said, boarding school definitely isn’t for everyone. But it was a really positive experience for me.

My (adult never been in boarding school) always refers to boarding school as "orphanages for the rich"

I've always wondered why people bother to have kids then dump them in a boarding school!!

Because London day schools treat children who are gifted in music like shit even if they say that they are specialists in performing arts ( looking at Old Palace in particular but also GDST Schools). DD nearly topped herself after the stress but then went on an MDF funded place at a specialist music boarding school and became once again the happy lively daughter I knew. When we stop treating our ND but massively talented children as normal we won't need to pay for them to board - we already do it fr mathos so why not for musicians......

I know a few families where the kids board a few evenings a week (a few miles from home) One of the mums said her DS would be doing homework and then sports til 7 or 8pm anyway, so it made sense for him to stay there and he enjoyed being with his friends. Another mum had 3 kids and said it was easier for them board as it was too difficult to coordinate their afterschool activities if she had to take them
One boy I know has boarded from about 8 or 9 because his parents were in the forces.

On a personal note my dad went to boarding school, and although he won’t really open up about it (red flag tbh) he is very angry and bitter that his parents were, essentially, happy to have him living away from them from age 9
he struggles with ‘familial’ relationships. I know he loves us but our relationship is almost business-like - like we are his colleagues rather than his kids. He hasn’t hugged my brother since he turned about 11. He started shaking his hand instead. Seriously. It’s very sad.

She nearly topped herself with stress and the answer was boarding school? Was there an option to lower her commitments, let her enjoy her childhood instead? It all just seems so extreme. I can only speak for myself but I value family relationships beyond career prospects.

I boarded from 10 to 18. It was a family thing. My father and his siblings had gone, and my (elder) sister and I always knew we’d go at 10. I enjoyed it and think I turned out fairly normal. I’m still in touch with several of the girls/women from my year 50 years later and they seem pretty normal too. It wasn’t a very strict school and we had quite a lot of freedom for a boarding school in those days - probably more than I would have had living at home (rural), but I don’t think I would have wanted my own DD to go. I’d have missed her too much.

I do think it affected my relationship with my mother though as, although we get on perfectly well, we’ve never been especially close and I do wonder if it’s because I effectively left home aged 10. On the other hand, my sister has always been pretty close to her, so perhaps it’s just personalities.

Another point - my parents beat the shit out of me for any minor infraction - if I could have gone to baording school to get away from them? Hell yes..

I went in my early teens. I was living abroad and my parents weren't happy with the school system there so off I went. They first looked into it when I was 10 but decided to wait a few years. I was okay with it, not too homesick. I think they probably missed me more than me them!

• @007DoubleOSeven google boarding school syndrome. You'll find plenty on the subject.

In effect that pronged separation from your family group in late childhood and adolescence affects emotional well-being long term.

But bearing in mind that pre the mid 80s when child safeguarding legislation took effect and corporal punishment was banned in private schools child welfare standards could be incredibly poor.

I do accept what PP have said that todays welfare standards are much better and there is much more flexibility. I also can see that for older adolescents that their 'choice' is more genuine. And that residential schools may be right in certain circles.

But bottom line, a child or young person who is a day pupil can come home and share that they have had a bad day or a setback or whatever without having to wait.