My mother-in-law has confronted me that I speak English in her house...

[GraceAlicia]

I live in Spain with my husband who is from here. We have a one and a half year old son who is learning both languages as he develops. With his grandparents, he is speaking in Spanish and with his mum and dad, we are speaking in English.

When we go to our parents-in-laws' house, naturally I speak to my son in English but all interactions with my parents-in-law are in Spanish. Naturally, I often speak to my husband in English when it comes to our son (as this is the language we "met in" and as I said, it is the language we speak in with our son) and this has always been the case.

As I moved here three years ago, in the beginning I wasn't able to speak Spanish so my husband would have to interpret everything but now I have grasped the language very well and I am able to converse with them with no problems.

Now fast forward until today (three years later after I have been apart of this family), and my husband has been having problems with his sister recently (as she has been excluding me from the family - this is worth another chat to explain!!!) and I have not gotten myself involved. Today at the table when we were eating, his sister was brought into conversation and the Mother started to get defensive and attack and suddenly she, out of nowhere, said, "and you won't speak in English in my house anymore. I am tired of English being spoken in my house".

Do you think it is right of her to ask/demand of such a thing? I can understand that if she doesn't understand things, she can get conscious. But since we don't have any problem between us (that I know of), she has absolutely no reason to feel this way. And like I said before, I speak to them both (my parents-in-law) in Spanish and only with my son and sometimes with my husband in English. I never speak to my husband in English about serious topics but things like, "Can you help out with Jack?" or "What time are you home?" Never topics that would make somebody feel conscious or insecure.

What do you think about it? Should I be more conscious and only speak in Spanish in her house? I feel like I want to stand my ground because if I don't speak in English with my son, nobody else will. I want to maintain this with him as its my first language and its how I express myself the best. And also I want my son to speak English here in Spain.

Let me know what you think!!!

do you live with her?
I think two things.....without going into background...
First of all, her house her rules BUT I think she is being silly because you may not want to visit so often......third thing of course is what does your husband think of this? I mean it's his mum being a bit batshit.

How often do you go there? Is it really worth a fight?

PS if you live with her maybe its time to not live with her?

I think if you are a guest in someone's house and you are able to speak the language in use in that household then it would be polite to do so. But, having said that, your MIL was impolite to get annoyed about it - she could simply have said it would be helpful if you could speak in Spanish as then she can be involved in the conversation.

It will not harm your son's English learning to do this in their house when visiting.

I think she is BU to demand that no English is spoken in her house, but there isn't enough information in your OP for me to decide whether you're BU in speaking English. I find it quite rude to be cut out of a conversation mid-way through by someone speaking another language. If you were all sitting around at dinner for example, and you switched to English to speak to your husband while MIL couldn't understand what you were talking about, I would find that rude. It is something I have always done my best to avoid in my own life.

Hi, you are absolutely right, you need to be consistent speaking in english to your son. Don't swap languages, this will cause confusion etc.

Your in-laws should be happy their grandson is multi-lingual.

English with your son at all times and Spanish with your husband when your MIL is present

I would agree it's disrespectful to speak English in her house if you speak Spanish.

My husband's family come to mine and speak another language and I find it annoying because it leaves me out on purpose as we have English as the common language and it's my house!

Mmm, I'm not sure. My brother is raising his children in English and him and his wife speak mostly English to the DC. But when they are around her family, they tend to all default to that language. I feel like my brother might continue speaking to the DC in English but I'm not 100% sure - it might be that I see him doing that because when we are around, everyone makes an effort to speak English.

Personally, I actually don't think it's unreasonable, if your in laws don't speak English, that you all speak Spanish in their home. I mean, if you're just having a quiet conversation with DS, fine. But if you're asking him to come to eat or put on his shoes, speaking in a language everyone understands so that you all know where you're at seems fair.

She probably just feels uncomfortable that she’s not part of the conversation and maybe doesn’t understand what you’re saying.
I would have a chat with her about your purpose in using English around your son. Could you compromise for the times when you’re with MIL, to make her feel more included?

One parent one language is a very well known way of bringing up bilingual children. If that’s what you’ve chosen to do then I wouldn’t change that because of MIL, especially as you’re is the minority language, but maybe just explain that’s what you’re doing and why. I would however make a real effort to stop talking to your OH in English around them. What you’ve explained makes sense but you have to also see it from their perspective and no matter how trivial what you’re saying is, to them it probably sounds like private in- talk between the 2 of you which is actually pretty rude in other people’s company.

I think this too.

You don't live with them, correct?

For her rudeness just don't visit. Then no risk of any English slipping out..

Just to clarify, I never speak in English even if we are all speaking and having a conversation (it is strictly in Spanish) UNLESS I don't know a word in Spanish I simply ask my husband what the word is.

I visit them quite often as we live very close and they want to see their grandson. I have found myself speaking a lot of Spanish recently with my son there anyway since naturally we are speaking in that language but to prohibit it, I felt it was quite extreme and strong. I understand that it is her house and therefore her rules (like some people have mentioned), but I think when it comes to my son, regardless of where we may be, I naturally speak to him in English. I have only been here for 3 years and so naturally I speak a lot of English, it is something that I do not consciously control.

And no, I don't live with them!

You can speak to your son in English all day at your own house.

When at MILs please stick to Spanish, she feels left out and is frustrated because she doesn't understand what toy are saying.

"Can you help with Jack" could sound just like "I hate the haggard old witch".

It can be a flash point. We compromised. I spoke English to then little DS (now in his 20s) but Italian to DH. And if it wasn’t obvious what I had said to DS in English (like me pointing at a trip hazard toy and asking him to pick it up) I’d explain in a roundabout way what was occurring.

It took the friction out of me sticking to OPOL when in their company. Most of my friends have had something similar, either English over here, or Italian back in The Homeland. From my entirely anecdotal evidence some kind of compromise tends to offer better results than a digging in of heel and refusal to see it from the PIL’s POV. I had originally made it a hill to die on, but a good friend intervened and talked me around to a more flexible perspective. I’m glad she did, cos I was marching around that hill waving my Union Jack and blowing a trumpet for weeks. Which did nothing to help DH & I when we were already knackered (insomniac child) and stressed from normal juggling of life, work, kid etc.

Then speak Spanish in her home and let it go.

I would reduce contact, she sounds like a controlling twat.

We had regular French visitors, they spoke English when we were all conversing but if they were discussing something banal (e.g. whether they had left the map in the car, had the child had their medication) they would do that in French as it is easier and faster.

Your MIL is being unreasonable.

Personally I think she is being unreasonable. You have recently learnt the language and clearly put a lot of effort in. I don't think her attitude is fair at all, it sounds like a pretty hostile environment for you.

She sounds very rude to me. She should be accommodating you and trying to make you feel comfortable in a country foreign to you away from your family. All that will happen is you visit less often, so she's cutting off her nose to spite her face. But perhaps it's a one off and she was feeling frustrated because she didn't understand something?

If i was her I'd be pleased my grandchild was having the best chance to be bilingual.

What does your dh think?

I'm not sure switching between languages is confusing for a child? I thought it was usual for the parents to speak to the child in their own languages, so that the child can learn both languages as a native speaker. I would investigate that if I was you, to see what the advice is for your child to get the best level in both languages.

Speak any language you like wherever you like

Is she prepared to speak only in English when in your home? Shouldn't be double standards.

When youve known someone for 3 years you can tell if theyre talking about you even if you dont understand the language. I think Sibu. Especially if youre just talking housekeeping like can youpass the changing bag or whatever.