My mother-in-law has confronted me that I speak English in her house...

[GraceAlicia]

I live in Spain with my husband who is from here. We have a one and a half year old son who is learning both languages as he develops. With his grandparents, he is speaking in Spanish and with his mum and dad, we are speaking in English.

When we go to our parents-in-laws' house, naturally I speak to my son in English but all interactions with my parents-in-law are in Spanish. Naturally, I often speak to my husband in English when it comes to our son (as this is the language we "met in" and as I said, it is the language we speak in with our son) and this has always been the case.

As I moved here three years ago, in the beginning I wasn't able to speak Spanish so my husband would have to interpret everything but now I have grasped the language very well and I am able to converse with them with no problems.

Now fast forward until today (three years later after I have been apart of this family), and my husband has been having problems with his sister recently (as she has been excluding me from the family - this is worth another chat to explain!!!) and I have not gotten myself involved. Today at the table when we were eating, his sister was brought into conversation and the Mother started to get defensive and attack and suddenly she, out of nowhere, said, "and you won't speak in English in my house anymore. I am tired of English being spoken in my house".

Do you think it is right of her to ask/demand of such a thing? I can understand that if she doesn't understand things, she can get conscious. But since we don't have any problem between us (that I know of), she has absolutely no reason to feel this way. And like I said before, I speak to them both (my parents-in-law) in Spanish and only with my son and sometimes with my husband in English. I never speak to my husband in English about serious topics but things like, "Can you help out with Jack?" or "What time are you home?" Never topics that would make somebody feel conscious or insecure.

What do you think about it? Should I be more conscious and only speak in Spanish in her house? I feel like I want to stand my ground because if I don't speak in English with my son, nobody else will. I want to maintain this with him as its my first language and its how I express myself the best. And also I want my son to speak English here in Spain.

Let me know what you think!!!

She's sending you a message that she is in control and your feeling do not matter. She's doing this now that she is certain there isn't anyone who will speak up for you. What did your husband say?

Honestly that sounds so unkind of her!🙁. I get the feeling a bit uncomfortable (FIL often speaks at length in a language I don’t know), but it’s like she wants to hide you’re English. I’d tell her you are really hurt and stop visiting for a bit. You sound like you’re already being very proactive in accommodating everyone. Carry on as you are just don’t see them so much for a bit till it blows over.

Nah fuck that
speak whatever language you want
it’s your first language that you’re most comfortable with, and it’s really good for DS to have two languages. You speak a lot of Spanish to her and around her.
obviously if you’re cutting her up and having big conversations in English she may feel insecure
maybe you can briefly translate anything of interest if that makes her feel better

I’d have a chat and say I wasn’t aware we had an issue, and try to smooth it all over but stick to what you want
or you know, she can come visit at your house, where both languages are spoken.

This would be my take on it too and it would upset me to the extent that I think I would find myself much less inclined to visit them. I'd almost feel discriminated against, and I am sure someone will be along soon enough to tell me that I shouldn't be saying that.

I've had various foreign visitors before. They would speak English to us and their own language to each other wherever they were, or if their families phoned them. I'd never have even dreamt of forbidding French, Italian or Spanish from being spoken in my house. How bizarre.

If she doesn’t want English spoken in her house that’s fine. You and your DC just won’t visit any more.

All the folks saying "speak Spanish in her house" do you have experience in multilingual children?

OPOL is an absolute normal, indeed in many ways vital way of them learning language. And if like in our house, you are both from the minority language, then MLAH is also essential.

I know dual citizenship children whose GPs banned English in the home (2 families actually, where the dad is English and they all started out living in the In laws houses) for one family i was hired as an English teacher because they spoke no English at all. For the other, their relationship with their English GPs was non existant because the GPs banned them from speaking English in the home to the extent that even phone calls were banned (the dad translated, it was ridiculous).

It's the fact that the OP is speaking English to her husband that they are objecting to, not speaking English to the child.
(Though the husband really should also do OPOL or the child's Spanish won't be as good as his English by the time he enters the school system and he may actually end up being not bilingual. I have 2 students here both with one English speaking parent and one Italian and neither are bilingual because in one case, the Italian father always spoke English, and in the other the English father always spoke Italian. Both kids are 18 now and will never be bilingual which is a shame. )

She was rude to make an issue of it.

I think she has made her home a less friendly place for you now.

I'd be tempted to sit there in complete silence next time I visited and just nod or shake my head in answer to questions.

Hopefully your husband can convey to her that what she did was hurtful.

Yes, most of us commenting on the rudeness of speaking a language to your husband that his mother doesn't understand in her house when you say yourself you can speak her language, live in multilingual households and have multilingual children. Our multilingual children manage to be so despite us speaking to our husbands in their own language within their own family.

But OP said she doesn't speak English to her DH much any more now she can speak Spanish. So the MIL can moan all she likes, OP is doing OPOL and children can, by the way, get VERY fussy about which language adults use around them.

having experienced two German speakers meeting up, and chatting away to each other in front of the rest of the English party (in England) in their own language

If they were talking to each other and not in general group conversation, there is no reason why they shouldn't speak their common, native language. I do that all the time here with my DH and English friends and DCs. The idea that i would have a side-conversation with my DH in German just because nobody could understand (a conversation they're not part of) I'd laugh in their faces. (not that it happens because i meet very few Germans who can't speak English)

That doesn't sound right OP. You speak to your child in English in order for him to be bilingual. If you start speaking both languages to him, you might put him off ever speaking English.
In your case English is the minority language, so you need to be consistent.

I'm in the same situation as you but inverted. In the UK, bringing my kids up to speak Spanish. Luckily my inlaws have been very open and have enjoyed having grandchildren who speak a language they don't understand. They think it will be advantageous to them, and are proud of them.
Speak to your child in English exclusively, it is none of your suegra s business.

Why don't you discuss it with your husband and ask if both of you could talk to his mother about it?

I agree it's uncomfortable if she doesn't know what you're talking about, even if it's simple instructions to your child - she doesn't know that.

Fine for bilingual families to say "one parent talks to the child in x, the other in y" but that doesn't apply when visiting people who only understand x.

As for those saying the Spanish MIL should learn English, all well and good, but it's hard when you're older (speaking as someone brushing up degree level languages). Spanish MIL may already speak French, Catalan and one can get overloaded. It would be lovely if MIL could have a small UK vocabulary.

It's not the same thing at all. She's not gone to live in another country, and married one of their citizens so doesn't have the same obligation to learn the English language. Also, it's much harder to learn another language when you're older.

OP I think it's great that you are speaking English in your own house and when there aren't Spanish people there, apart from your husband. But I do think it's rude to speak English when there's a chance your in laws won't understand. It doesn't matter if you're speaking to someone else or not, it's still rude.

I think it is rude to speak a language that other people can't speak in front of them..especially when you do speak the language they speak. That seems like you are intentionally using English to exclude them from the conversation.

I don't really get why it is a big deal to speak Spanish to your son around your MIL. When you are at home or alone with your son, speak English all day long but when visiting, speak the language she understands that you all speak.

Abuela presumably doesn’t understand how hard it is, learning Spanish and having a baby, raising a child in a foreign country and sometimes, it is comfortable to speak
in your native tongue. I also raised bilingual
children from a starting vocabulary of cerveza and hola! And would have resented being forced to keep going ALL THE TIME

yes more polite to speak Spanish but no need for her to get so antsy

^^This

And if your son is being brought up to speak Spanish with his GPs why don't you speak it in their home?

How many languages do you speak of countries you don't live in?

It's not the same thing at all. She's not gone to live in another country, and married one of their citizens so doesn't have the same obligation to learn the English language.
oh fuck off. She hasn’t gone over there and stolen one of your men folk. 🤬. I hate this xenophobic bullshit. People fall in love and get married and make a new family, they have NO obligation to any country because they aren’t slaves.

@Midlifemusings have you ever read a book about how to bring up bilingual kids. No didn’t think so.

@Nanny0gg because she is following the one parent one language way of bringing up her kid. There is method in her approach.

It would be nicer if she'd relax about it, but actually I do think it's quite rude to speak in a language your hosts won't understand. A bit like whispering. When people switch language like that it can feel like they're talking about you/saying things they don't want you to hear

She sounds controlling.

Don't let her tell you what to do with your own child OR your husband, OP. It sounds like you have put in an enormous effort to learn their language, they do not get to demand you give up yours.

There is nothing about bringing up bilingual kids that says you can't speak a shared language when around in laws at their home.

Most people do it as it is polite.

My best friend is Spanish - all her family have impeccable English and she herself is a Spanish teacher teaching English students.
But she wants her family to speak Spanish to each other. So I am often sat there in silence when Spanish conversations are going on. At first I thought it was odd to be honest - but I know they are very kind people so not talking negatively about me. I would get your hubby to the bottom of why your m’n’law thinks it’s a big deal - does she think you are talking ill of her? Deep down is she upset her son did not marry a Spanish girl?

It's polite to speak the language of the host wherever possible