My mother-in-law has confronted me that I speak English in her house...

[GraceAlicia]

I live in Spain with my husband who is from here. We have a one and a half year old son who is learning both languages as he develops. With his grandparents, he is speaking in Spanish and with his mum and dad, we are speaking in English.

When we go to our parents-in-laws' house, naturally I speak to my son in English but all interactions with my parents-in-law are in Spanish. Naturally, I often speak to my husband in English when it comes to our son (as this is the language we "met in" and as I said, it is the language we speak in with our son) and this has always been the case.

As I moved here three years ago, in the beginning I wasn't able to speak Spanish so my husband would have to interpret everything but now I have grasped the language very well and I am able to converse with them with no problems.

Now fast forward until today (three years later after I have been apart of this family), and my husband has been having problems with his sister recently (as she has been excluding me from the family - this is worth another chat to explain!!!) and I have not gotten myself involved. Today at the table when we were eating, his sister was brought into conversation and the Mother started to get defensive and attack and suddenly she, out of nowhere, said, "and you won't speak in English in my house anymore. I am tired of English being spoken in my house".

Do you think it is right of her to ask/demand of such a thing? I can understand that if she doesn't understand things, she can get conscious. But since we don't have any problem between us (that I know of), she has absolutely no reason to feel this way. And like I said before, I speak to them both (my parents-in-law) in Spanish and only with my son and sometimes with my husband in English. I never speak to my husband in English about serious topics but things like, "Can you help out with Jack?" or "What time are you home?" Never topics that would make somebody feel conscious or insecure.

What do you think about it? Should I be more conscious and only speak in Spanish in her house? I feel like I want to stand my ground because if I don't speak in English with my son, nobody else will. I want to maintain this with him as its my first language and its how I express myself the best. And also I want my son to speak English here in Spain.

Let me know what you think!!!

Well, its rude to speak in a different language in front of someone, if you can speak in a language they understand. Your valid reasons for doing it dont make it any less rude.

Your MIL is NBU to ask you to stop being rude to her in her own home. She's not insisting you aren't rude to her in your home, or if you are out in public. She's saying don't be rude to me in my own house.

How you deal with it now is going to be tricky, as you've missed the window to speak to her about it when ds was first born, explain what you were planning of doing and why, and getting her on side. You've just been consistently rude then surprised when she's snapped.

Start with a heartfelt apology. You really didn't try to be rude.

Stress you just wanted what was best for DS, and really just didn't think. This is thoughtlessness not deliberate rudeness.

@Midlifemusings and she does. But when she addresses her child she speaks English.

I wish people would read the OP. She only speaks English when is speaking directly to her child and OCCASIONALLY to her husband. Rest of time she speaks Spanish. This is called one parent one language and is a great method of bringing up bilingual kids.

We do opol, and my mil doesn’t speak English, neither does dh but he understands. When we are together for a meal I will speak French with dc or if I say something in English I’ll repeat it in French so mil knows what’s going on. I don’t want her to feel excluded from our conversations.

I think your mil was rude but she’s might be feeling excluded. As other people have said she doesn’t t know what you’re saying and is imagining the worst.

My dc 10 and 12 now have a much wider vocabulary in English than French, and swop between languages with ease. Opol is tough and frustrating at times and reactions like this don’t help. Keep going op.

Keep going OP. Your MIL is parochial, rude and paranoid if she thinks you are saying something bad to your kids when you are speaking English.

It’s actually quite racist of her. Imagine it was another language such as Arabic she was complaining about. But no, English is fair game.

Her house. Her rules. Also very rude to use another language in someone else's house especially if their grasp of the language is not good, as you will know since you were that person! Your child will speak Spanish at school unless he goes to a private international school. He might also learn English but at the moment, when in your MIL's house you should speak Spanish.

@mirw really? Even if the text books say she should address her DS in English?

SIBU.

Perhaps agree and say you won't be visiting her home as much if she can't be supportive of your efforts to ensure your child is fluently multilingual

Whatalovelydaffodil

"English with your son at all times and Spanish with your husband when your MIL is present".

Agree with the above.

My dh is French, I am British - kids are bilingual - I end up speaking English to either of them when I am at my PILs. No big deal, not something to die in a ditch for. We are a bilingual family, that’s how it is.

The key point here is context when it was brought up - MIL was frustrated about the sister and this objection is a projection of her frustration - she is displacing the emotions on this. I wouldn’t worry about it too much - keep doing what you are doing unless she brings it up again or starts to make it a bigger deal.

My view is - Odd comments to your other half in your mother tongue are not outrageous if you are making a big effort in learning their language. Don’t overreact to one arsey comment from your MIL.

I think you need to continue to speak English when you address your son, irrespective of where you are and who is present. He is very lucky that he will hopefully grow up to be bilingual. Achieving this should be the priority, and your MIL should be encouraging it and putting her grandson's interests first instead of being offended: this is not about you or her, it's about your child and his best interests. There may be something else behind this comment, maybe linked to your SIL, who knows, but I would think it's your husband's job to manage. And at the end of the day, you already live in Spain, away from your home country and presumably your family, and close to his - it is not like you are all based in England and you go to your Spanish MIL's house and insist on speaking English there too..

I think she should have went about this in a different way instead of letting her anger build up about it. Tbh I think its quite rude for someone to speak a different language when they can speak the language you speak. I know you say it's just simple things like can you pick child up etc but your MIL doesn't know what your saying so to her you could be talking about anything. I think Spanish when in your MILS presence and English any other time if you wish.

I would do this. If she wants you to keep visiting so often she needs to understand that you are the parent teaching your child English. English is such an important language to learn if he's got someone to teach him. It's spoken in so many places.

If you are in their house i think its only polite to speak in their language. If your son is bilingual, it won't hurt to speak to him in spanish, or explain to them your reasoning.

I used to work in germany and even when speaking to another english person in the company of my german colleagues, i would speak german. It seemed so rude not to.

One can see here that the typical mumsnetters are not used to bilingual households. In many families it is completely normal to have many languages inside one household. And in bilingual families, OPOL (one parent one language) is probably the done thing. I would not change the way you communicate with your kid: keep doing OPOL.

It sounds like there has been an issue for a while and she's been holding herself back from commenting and finally snapped. Have you or your husband explained what you're trying to do in terms of languages with your son? I'd try discussing it with her on a practical rather than an emotional level. It may just be not wanting another non-common language spoken, but some people may also have a bad reaction to English because it has a reputation as the language people default to, at least in Western Europe, when there's not a common native language and it can feel like an imposition. She may not have thought of it in terms of how things are for a small child living in Spain who, as you said, won't be hearing and speaking English anywhere else but with you.

I also wonder if the sister might have said something about it, since it seemed to come up right after the discussion about her? If the mother feels it's rude of you to speak English in front of non-English speakers, she may also feel SHE is being rude allowing it in her house even if she doesn't mind it herself. She might feel better knowing there's a reason and that both you and your husband are on board, and also that it's temporary - when your son's a bit older he'll likely be speaking Spanish whenever he's with that side of the family.

Tbh it's her house and if that's her rule I wouldn't visit, she can come to your home if she wants to see her family and you can speak whatever language you like in your own home. Usually I'd be very mindful of situations like this in case it's genuinely making them uncomfortable but this is just to punish you from the sounds of it, disengage!

I have to admit I'd feel quite offended if anyone thought it appropriate to prohibit me from speaking to my own child in my own native language - in any place. Especially if it was delivered in such a manner 'I am tired of LANGUAGE being spoken in my house'.

For your child and between you and your husband - English and Spanish are equal languages and much like he has all the right to speak Spanish to his child in any place on Earth, so do you have right to speak English to your child.

I get that speaking English to your husband in front of her may be grating on her (btw, i'd love to see what she'd say if her son was married to my - English - husband who to this day - 10 years into our marriage - cannot hold a conversation in my native language) and it would be good if you can make a conscious effort to speak Spanish only in front of her but that would all end when it comes to communication with your child.

Frankly, after that comment that 'she's tired of English' - I'd take myself and my English as far as possible and not give her a pleasure of hearing me speak ANY language in her house for a while.

I wouldn’t dream of policing anyone’s language.

Have I lost my mind? Why are so many posts saying ‘please just use Spanish in her home’???

The MIL is not entitled to be a part of every conversation. She’s not entitled to dictate any language spoken by anyone. She’s not entitled to prevent someone speaking in their own language. Especially when her own daughter is actively excluding the OP.

OP wasn’t being rude and having hushed English conversations while staring daggers at her MIL, she just makes occasional mundane requests in her mother tongue and uses the odd word when she doesn’t know the Spanish.

The MIL could make some effort to learn the OP’s language, just at the OP has done.

Speak Spanish in her home but just don't visit so often and in your home and when out speak english

My dear friend is from another country and though fluent English as she's lived here half of her life she will still now and then say something to her dh or dc in her language which they are all fluent in too. It doesn't bother me as I know for her it's easier to say what she needs quickly than to think of the words in English. Maybe MIL is thinking you're talking about her to your son which would be silly anyway as hes so little. I think it's important to hold on to your first language unless you're holding long conversations and makes them feel excluded.

OP, I can relate to this but the other way around. I live in Ireland, communicate with DH and his family in English.
I speak to my DC in Spanish and this is something some in laws feel annoyed about.
The majority of people never lived in another country andnone have a clue how it feels to speak to your children in a different language. Speak to then in English, it would be mad not to!Another only is the natural thing to do but if you want them to be bilingual is the right thing to do.
Ignore your MIL!!! All the best in Spain y buena suerte!

I don’t think the language is the main issue, it’s the relationship with the MIL and also the SIL. Do you have something SIL doesn’t and is MIL’s nose out of joint? I’m a bilingual french speaker, my husband isn’t, when relies visit and we speak French amongst ourselves my husband isn’t paranoid. I think people know when they are being spoken about in a foreign language they can’t understand or the the convo is hostile. I guess minimise contact, speak Spanish as much as poss to keep the peace but it isn’t unreasonable to speak English with your kid.