My mother-in-law has confronted me that I speak English in her house...

[GraceAlicia]

I live in Spain with my husband who is from here. We have a one and a half year old son who is learning both languages as he develops. With his grandparents, he is speaking in Spanish and with his mum and dad, we are speaking in English.

When we go to our parents-in-laws' house, naturally I speak to my son in English but all interactions with my parents-in-law are in Spanish. Naturally, I often speak to my husband in English when it comes to our son (as this is the language we "met in" and as I said, it is the language we speak in with our son) and this has always been the case.

As I moved here three years ago, in the beginning I wasn't able to speak Spanish so my husband would have to interpret everything but now I have grasped the language very well and I am able to converse with them with no problems.

Now fast forward until today (three years later after I have been apart of this family), and my husband has been having problems with his sister recently (as she has been excluding me from the family - this is worth another chat to explain!!!) and I have not gotten myself involved. Today at the table when we were eating, his sister was brought into conversation and the Mother started to get defensive and attack and suddenly she, out of nowhere, said, "and you won't speak in English in my house anymore. I am tired of English being spoken in my house".

Do you think it is right of her to ask/demand of such a thing? I can understand that if she doesn't understand things, she can get conscious. But since we don't have any problem between us (that I know of), she has absolutely no reason to feel this way. And like I said before, I speak to them both (my parents-in-law) in Spanish and only with my son and sometimes with my husband in English. I never speak to my husband in English about serious topics but things like, "Can you help out with Jack?" or "What time are you home?" Never topics that would make somebody feel conscious or insecure.

What do you think about it? Should I be more conscious and only speak in Spanish in her house? I feel like I want to stand my ground because if I don't speak in English with my son, nobody else will. I want to maintain this with him as its my first language and its how I express myself the best. And also I want my son to speak English here in Spain.

Let me know what you think!!!

OP. You take whichever advice you like. But listen to the science, other parents who have brought up bilingual kids successfully and your gut feel and you takes your choice x

You only have to go back to when you are expressing your true feelings. Like when you are experiencing true joy, you are truly angry or when you step on a piece of lego and you swear. It will likely come out in your native language and that is what you want to teach your child..to be bilingual and express yourself in both. That is probably more important than you think. If I step on lego or get really pissed off, English is not on my list..

Also, make sure he watches children’s tv and listen to lots of music in English. An easy input and as he is nearly two take advantage of it as his synapsis in his brain will never be better than then..

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Honestly, I would just reduce the amount of time you visit MILs and if she asks why I’d say it’s because it is too tiring having to try and speak in Catalan/ English to your son whenever you are there on top of having to converse in these languages to the adults. If she wants to see DS let her come to you where you can follow your own house rules.

At that age, kids don't know that there are different languages. They know that people around them speak differently. They associate one language with one person. They learn to speak to that person in that language. I have raised 2 bilingual kids. The moment you give up, the kid will stop learning. It has to start from birth. Reading some books about raising bilingual children might help a lot. This would give you confidence to talk to other people about it. Best approach in my opinion is called One parent one language. OPAL. Kids need consistency. If you give up, they will not speak your language. They might learn when they grow up but this is not going to make them bilingual. When they start school they will learn a lot of words in the home country language and the second language will struggle to catch up. The more they learn now before school age the better. I have many friends who gave up speaking to their kids in their mother tongue due to pressures like these or due to feeling awkward and their kids are not bilingual today. They cannot speak to the other grand parents and relatives. This is sad too. It requires a lot of hard work though. This is another reason why many people give up. Best wishes and good luck,

I would move back to the Uk then problem
solved it’s unfair of her to make you choose especially as you speak Spanish and English. I used to live in France and had a right carry on with my future mother in law who spoke French and Spanish and refused to speak in English.

Hi OP. You’re obviously not doing anything wrong by talking to your son in English. I think your MIL was lashing out. She has an issue connected to whatever is going on with SIL. It seems people have really missed the point with this.

I would have your DH explain to MIL why you BOTH feel that you speaking English is important. Get him to ascertain whether she is happy with you talking English is her home, or if it will continue to be an an ongoing issue. If there is going to be an issue, reduce contact.

@GraceAlicia please please, carry in with the OPOL method.

im not convinced it’s The only way to raise a child bilingual but ime it’s the only way to ensure they have as much exposure to their minority language as possible.
Speak to him in English ALWAYS. Read to him in English, find English cartoons etc… Don’t ket your IL interfere in that.

You and your DH have a choice to make. Put your child interest fist so he can then not just speak English and fluent but also so he can communicate with your side of the family. He will need English to learn about your culture, half of HIS culture. Your DH is clearky on board with that. Carry on. Put a United front and tell your IL there is no choice there. They don’t have a say in the way you are raising your child. Whether it’s about language or sleep or anything else.

I fully agree with you OP. I think a number of posters who say it is rude to speak English at your MIL's home are missing the point. I speak my native language to my DC all the time, no matter where we are and who is around, and my MIL (and everyone else) is nothing but supportive - even though she has no clue what I am saying except through context .If I feel it is needed in the moment, I will repeat in English and then back again in my native language, or I will explain separately what I said. My DC understands what I tell them, but they still reply in English. It is very tough to raise a child bilingual when their only exposure to that language is only one parent so you do need to be very strict about it, so stock to your guns. I would expect family to understand and support, instead of make it about them.
This is clearly not about language, something else is behind it.

I haven't read the whole thread yet. But look at this as an example of someone who feels the need to comment without even reading the first two paragraphs of the opening post. Op says "when we go to my pil house" and this person asks "do you live with her?" Annoying. They only needed to read 4 sentences.

The golden rule for making your child "properly" bilingual when parents' first languages are different, is "one parent one language". It would be tricky and awkward in many social situations. It's up to you as parents to decide at what level of English you want your child to achieve. You will be the main source of English learning for your child, so it's best for you to stick to your own language at least until your child's English is fully established. I would explain to friends and family that we are doing this so that our child becomes fully bilingual. (Some would inevitably feel uncomfortable, but others would understand.) Good luck!

Btw you are totally right that if you want your ds to speak English and be fluent, you HAVE TO speak to him in English as much as possible.
If spanish is already is strong language when he hasn’t been at school yet, the you really need to speak in English more than you currently do. Once he starts school, it will only get worse.

It’s hard as the parent but is totally manageable. You need to be Hyper strict with yourself. Refuse answers from him that aren’t in English. Always always speak in English. You will manage but not if you are constantly switching back to spanish/Catalan to accommodate people around you.

His Catalan is dominant over his Spanish and English.

Surely if his Catalan is dominant and that’s what MIL speaks (as well as the majority of people around him) then what’s the issue with speaking Catalan around him when you’re at MIL?

What’s the reason for speaking English at home?
As he lives in a country that speaks Catalan and Spanish, is it recommended that you speak the least common one at home?

What’s the reason for speaking English? So that her son learns to understand and ideally speak English obviously?!

man, so many people on this thread thinking that the important thing is that both OP’s son and MIL understands what she says and NOT the bilingual language development of the child..

@StoneMap its not tricky and awkward to speak your language to your child, esp not at that age.
seriously, I could tell whatever I wanted to my dcs Wo being judged by otter parents. That was great! For the rest, is anyone really bothered if they dint understand ‘don’t put your finger in your nose’ or ‘let’s go back home’?

Tricky only started when they had friends around. And that has been the one and only time I actually spoke English to my dcs (who always, always answered back in my language - because for them it’s automatic even now that they are older teens and I actually switch from one to the other when speaking with them).

She cannot "demand" that you don't speak English, but to be fair I can see her point. I once met a German friend who had travelled to my country with two friends and we met in a city. They constantly kept conversing in German (all could speak English), and while they were probably just chatting about everyday things it made me feel left out, and I found it very rude.

And Obvioulsy none of them are thinking about the English grand parents that won’t be able to communicate in any way with their grandchild if the child doesn’t learn to speak English because his other grandma has a hissy fit about listening to his mum speaking English.

Here's some reasons: Because his mother speaks English. Because the other half of his family speaks English. Because his parents agreed they want him to know English. Because the only way he can learn English at the moment is through his parents.

The dream DIL …

I don’t think it’s about the whole English Spanish speaking business at all. Her daughter has been in her ear saying negative things about you, I believe that’s what the crux of it is. I think the language thing is a symptom sorry.

THEY WERE NOT CHILDREN AND THEREFORE THE RULES ARE DIFFERENT!!

sorry but surely the difference is obvious?
Like you don’t have a long conversation with a 1.5 yo? And the conversation will be limited to ‘here is a biscuit’ and ‘shall we have a nap’.
Do you really feel excluded because you can’t understand that?

And your friends are adults that won’t need to learn a language to be able to communicate with half their family, to learn about half of their heritage and culture?

And you and your friends have also pass the stage where your ear and brain develop so you can learn the sounds associated with that language (hence suits can a rarely master the accent of a foreign language).

I don’t think it is rude at all. You’re not having full blown conversations with another adult that exclude your MIL, you’re talking to your very young child.

My Swedish friend spoke Swedish to her children exclusively, when living in the UK, whilst their dad spoke to them in English. She switched between English and Swedish effortlessly in social situations but she wanted her children to be able to speak her language.

I have no specific advice but I had a similar experience myself.

I am English and was born here but my mother is French, from Nice in Provence. When my parents split I had no choice but to move to France with my mother ( I later found out that wasn't the case ). Being a child it didn't take me long to be proficient in French however I always spoke to my siblings in English. Anyway, totally out of the blue, she threw a hissy fit one Sunday and demanded that I never speak in English again. In fact, she would slap me around the face if she ever heard me. She would also tell me ( scream at me )that the English were the scum of Europe and that she wasn't going to hear that dirty language in her house.

Fast forward to my 14th birthday and through various means, mainly legal, I came back to the UK to live with my grandparents.

I haven't seen or spoken to my mother in 10 years years and wild horses wouldn't get me on the Eurostar.

And @Pebble55 is right in her approach.

Unles you want to argue that the wish for the gran to not be subjected to a foreign language trumps the development if the child, their ability to communicate with their family etc…

Unfortunately this is an area where there is no compromise to be made.

Keep plugging away at it OP - the gift of learning English now, organically like this, is priceless. It will also give your son a good chance of adding other languages relatively easily (especially Romantic languages) which is fantastic.

The best piece of advice i got when my DCs were born (we're Minority Language At Home rather than OPOL since we're both British but the principle is broadly the same) was: read twice as much. Listen to audio books, sing, sing, sing.

And, there will come a time when your son realises that the other children around him don't speak the same language as you and him and he may start answering you in Spanish. Some parents give up at this point - just keep plugging away speaking English and eventually he'll come back to it (it's usually a matter of months)

There used to be a good conversation about bilingual children here (many years ago) which i found very useful

I think this isn't about language. It's about a shit-stirring SIL.

But, you are right about speaking only English to your son. That is far and away the best path. When he is older, he'll be fine with you swiching between languages. For now, English only.

You sound like you're pretty good, but not fluent, in Spanish and.Catalan. Your ds is better off with you speaking in English, then.

You have worked hard to learn 2 languages and are continuing to do so. Your MIL should be grateful for your dedication. And maybe she is, when SIL isn't poisoning the water.

English-only with your son doesn't need to go on forever. Explain to MIL when she is feeling calmer.