My mother-in-law has confronted me that I speak English in her house...

[GraceAlicia]

I live in Spain with my husband who is from here. We have a one and a half year old son who is learning both languages as he develops. With his grandparents, he is speaking in Spanish and with his mum and dad, we are speaking in English.

When we go to our parents-in-laws' house, naturally I speak to my son in English but all interactions with my parents-in-law are in Spanish. Naturally, I often speak to my husband in English when it comes to our son (as this is the language we "met in" and as I said, it is the language we speak in with our son) and this has always been the case.

As I moved here three years ago, in the beginning I wasn't able to speak Spanish so my husband would have to interpret everything but now I have grasped the language very well and I am able to converse with them with no problems.

Now fast forward until today (three years later after I have been apart of this family), and my husband has been having problems with his sister recently (as she has been excluding me from the family - this is worth another chat to explain!!!) and I have not gotten myself involved. Today at the table when we were eating, his sister was brought into conversation and the Mother started to get defensive and attack and suddenly she, out of nowhere, said, "and you won't speak in English in my house anymore. I am tired of English being spoken in my house".

Do you think it is right of her to ask/demand of such a thing? I can understand that if she doesn't understand things, she can get conscious. But since we don't have any problem between us (that I know of), she has absolutely no reason to feel this way. And like I said before, I speak to them both (my parents-in-law) in Spanish and only with my son and sometimes with my husband in English. I never speak to my husband in English about serious topics but things like, "Can you help out with Jack?" or "What time are you home?" Never topics that would make somebody feel conscious or insecure.

What do you think about it? Should I be more conscious and only speak in Spanish in her house? I feel like I want to stand my ground because if I don't speak in English with my son, nobody else will. I want to maintain this with him as its my first language and its how I express myself the best. And also I want my son to speak English here in Spain.

Let me know what you think!!!

Why should she be obliged to learn your language? It is pure chance that her son met and partnered up with an English person.

You are in Spain; you can speak Spanish; you are in her home where Spanish is spoken - why would you not do so?

Your son will learn English if you speak it to him, but that does not mean you must do so in a situation where it would be politer to speak Spanish.

When I am in France I speak French as much as I am able. It is a matter of good manners. I do not expect anyone else to speak or understand English.

Any point she had is tainted by her delivery

I think it’s pretty rude to speak in English if anyone in the room doesn’t understand it. You make a point of saying you are not insulting them but how do they know this? Your mil didn’t handle it well but it sounds like she has lost it after putting up with your rudeness. It has been three years and you say yourself you are now able to speak Spanish.

Say loudly:
’las opiniones son como los culos - importante tener, mejor esconder’ hahahahaha

for the non Spanish speakers out there this means: opinions are like arses, important to have one, but best to keep it covered up. Hahahaha it’s funnier in Spanish because it rhymes

Her own son speaks excellent English, by the sound of it. She hopefully sees that as a great skill and something to be proud of. However he must have had to work hard to learn it. Can he not explain to her how much better it will be for your son to learn it as a native speaker from day one?

That said, your son will still learn it like that even if you do speak to him in Spanish over at Abuela’s place. It’s a shame she made the point so rudely, as she might have got what she wanted of she’d asked nicely and explained why it made her uncomfortable.

However it sounds like complaining about English being spoken was a proxy for saying that she does not like you, and that is a much deeper issue. If you all got on you’d easily find a compromise.

Your DH needs to step up here.

Why don't you tell her that you will stick to Spanish in her house if she sticks to English in your house.

I don't think there's anything wrong with her request but the way she worded it and addressed you (if what you wrote is literally what she says) is very telling.

I also live in Spain. Why should they be speaking English in their own home? They've spoken to you in English for three years until you have developed your language skills. Now it's your turn.

I also find the language challenging but it's equally tricky for them to speak in English

I'm in a bilingual family (as are many others on here)
I speak to DD in English, and always have. I speak to dp and his family in Italian.
When we're with his family there's a bit of English going on between me and DD, but

Posted too soon...
...but Italian with the rest of the (non English) people present.

Upshot is, whether you agree or not, she thinks you're being rude by speaking to your husband in a language other than his own language in his own country.

As has been said, it'd be the same if he was at your mum's in the UK and you both sat speaking Spanish.

Just weird and unnecessary really.

I also live in Spain. Why should they be speaking English in their own home? They've spoken to you in English for three years until you have developed your language skills.

The inlaws can't speak English, that's their complaint, that their DS and his wife are speaking English and they don't understand it.

Btw, the Spanish parent should be speaking Spanish to the child wherever possible.

My SIL and DB speak different languages, and are raising their children the way you are, her language with her, English with him. They have tri-lingual children as they live in a different country again. When they're with us, they speak exclusively English, unless, as you say, my SIL needs translation or the children need clarification (my SIL has done that since we first met her). I think it's a bit rude to speak a different language in someone's home when they don't speak that language. It would be different if they're visiting you, obviously.

I will read the full thread in a minute, but I just wanted to say that my mother's first language is not my first language. As a result we were never able to communicate well because we lack understanding of the subtleties of each others languages, and we are not close.

I think what you are doing is great, raising a child who is fluent in both languages, and your point about wanting to express yourself to him is really important. If he's fully bilingual then you are giving him an amazing gift, so keep doing what you're doing.

Buy your SIL a massive wooden spoon to aid her shit stirring.

Thank God!!!

to start with I'd visit them MUCH less often!! Much!!

one parent, one language is thought to be the best way for bilingual children.

What did your DH say to her when she said this??

it is uncomfortable when people start speaking a language you don't understand, particularly when you DO have a common language. It feels like there's a reason they want to exclude you.

you sound like you're very good though with only speaking Spanish most of the time & only English to DH for trivial things, but she might still feel excluded & like you might Be doing it on purpose.

I'd just do as you've said, make even more effort not to speak to DH in English, even for banal stuff. But keep speaking to 'Jack' in English at all times. It's better for HIM to know that his options for speaking with you are English, English or English. Otherwise it becomes optional & he'll gradually stop speaking English (though less of a risk as you all speak English at home)

but as I said, I'd visit Far FAR less frequently!!!

where abouts in Spain are you? I lived in Valencia for a short while, I loved it!

My sons partner is Indian. She only speaks in English with us, because no one else can speak her language. If my son and her were speaking in her language, in my home, and I didn't have a clue what was being said, I think I would find that really discombobulating, tbh, so I can totally see where your MIL is coming from. I think she handled it badly though.

I live in Sweden and if someone told me not to speak English to my child in their house I wouldn't step foot in their house again

I’m with @TheAverageUser
having experienced two German speakers meeting up, and chatting away to each other in front of the rest of the English party (in England) in their own language they knew we couldn’t understand, felt very rude. It doesn’t matter that they probably weren’t talking about us, the fact that they could made everyone uncomfortable. So I can understand that if she doesn't understand things, she can get conscious. But since we don't have any problem between us (that I know of), she has absolutely no reason to feel this way you feeling that she has no reason to feel this way is neither here nor there.

Why should they be speaking English in their own home?

They aren't. The OP has said she speaks to them in Spanish and has worked hard to improve her fluency.

She speaks English to her son, as she wants him to speak it natively and is presumably using a one parent one language approach or similar.

She occasionally says something to her husband in English, for example if she doesn't know a Spanish word.

I'd say both of those things are fine. I have friends and relatives who would do this when they visit me and I'm not offended at all.

OP - as a courtesy to your MIL you could try very hard to use just Spanish with your husband when you are with them. But she's being very rude indeed to insist you do this, particularly when you have made such an effort to learn Spanish already.

I would not speak English in front of people who can't speak English as it is rude and prevents them joining in.

I think with your son is more acceptable but as she has now said she isn't happy i wouldn't do it.

Mil has been unreasonable for snapping at you and how she said it, but in principal if she said "please can you stick to Spanish around me?" I would he happy to do it.

In my view raising your son bilingually which is an amazing gift is much more important than your MIL being oversensitive.

If you speak to her, speak Spanish.

If you speak to your son, speak English.

If it's a mixed conversation (ie group), I'd be inclined to speak a bit of a mix - yes there might be a bit of mixing up by your son but he will get over it.

I have bilingual children. Nobody on this earth would have been able to forbid me from speaking to my own children in my mother tongue. That is the language you converse directly to your son with and that is the end of the story.

I am assuming (because this is how it tends to pan out with bilingual kids) when you're in a Spanish speaking setting, you all speak Spanish. Your DC may be too young to notice, but it was about this time my DC told me not to speak our other language (German) and to stick to English. I pointed out that not all children speak English so in a group setting, German is to be spoken, but that one on one, we speak the majority language. I did not allow them to use English to me in front of other people if they were talking about those other people. In that case we would go to a different room.

So your MIL is fine to say "no English in her house" - you don't have to visit if you don't want. But be careful that she doesn't pull the stunt that friends of ours had where the (mother in this case) grandparent bad-mouthed the other language and the child became reluctant to speak it.

It would be irrelevant because I wouldn’t be visiting her house again until she apologised. It sounds like a petty dig from her when she was really annoyed about something else.

Leave visits to your DH from now on. Silly woman. It sounds like you have been a great DIL.

Fine to speak in English to your son but not if you are speaking to your husband too. Especially if you end up having a 3 way conversation with them/ or a lengthy conversation with them and she can't understand. She won't know what's being said and may feel left out. It's her home so I can understand her not wanting to feel uncomfortable in her own home. I would find it a little rude.
My SiLs speak to their children in their native tongue which is as it should be but I feel left out if they have lengthy conversations while I'm just sat there clueless as to what's being said. Thankfully it rarely happens!