My mother-in-law has confronted me that I speak English in her house...

[GraceAlicia]

I live in Spain with my husband who is from here. We have a one and a half year old son who is learning both languages as he develops. With his grandparents, he is speaking in Spanish and with his mum and dad, we are speaking in English.

When we go to our parents-in-laws' house, naturally I speak to my son in English but all interactions with my parents-in-law are in Spanish. Naturally, I often speak to my husband in English when it comes to our son (as this is the language we "met in" and as I said, it is the language we speak in with our son) and this has always been the case.

As I moved here three years ago, in the beginning I wasn't able to speak Spanish so my husband would have to interpret everything but now I have grasped the language very well and I am able to converse with them with no problems.

Now fast forward until today (three years later after I have been apart of this family), and my husband has been having problems with his sister recently (as she has been excluding me from the family - this is worth another chat to explain!!!) and I have not gotten myself involved. Today at the table when we were eating, his sister was brought into conversation and the Mother started to get defensive and attack and suddenly she, out of nowhere, said, "and you won't speak in English in my house anymore. I am tired of English being spoken in my house".

Do you think it is right of her to ask/demand of such a thing? I can understand that if she doesn't understand things, she can get conscious. But since we don't have any problem between us (that I know of), she has absolutely no reason to feel this way. And like I said before, I speak to them both (my parents-in-law) in Spanish and only with my son and sometimes with my husband in English. I never speak to my husband in English about serious topics but things like, "Can you help out with Jack?" or "What time are you home?" Never topics that would make somebody feel conscious or insecure.

What do you think about it? Should I be more conscious and only speak in Spanish in her house? I feel like I want to stand my ground because if I don't speak in English with my son, nobody else will. I want to maintain this with him as its my first language and its how I express myself the best. And also I want my son to speak English here in Spain.

Let me know what you think!!!

If I was Spanish and living in Spain I would think you were very rude to talk to your husband in English when you are capable of speaking and understanding English.

I had to tell a Polish wife of a English friend not to speak to him in Polish in our home as it was so rude as my husband and I do not speak Polish. Her English is perfect so there was no excuse. She was fine about it and we laugh about it now.

When at MILs please stick to Spanish, she feels left out and is frustrated because she doesn't understand what toy are saying.

Please do the same and make the rule that she must ONLY speak English in your house.

If she's so upset that she can't understand anything you say to your child in English then she could probably make an effort and learn some, like you've learnt Spanish. She's being an arse.

Just a thought, but could SIL have made out that you are talking ABOUT MIL in English? Shit stirring ?
Mt mums grandparents spoke Welsh and English and my grandad (SIL ) was always convinced they were discussing him if they spoke Welsh. My mum understood some as a child and said her GP would usually just be saying utterly banal things like The fire needs stoking or can you.put the cat out 😆

She can't dictate to you what language you speak haha!

You speak whatever language you want to.

As a mum of trilingual children, I would say you should be allowed to speak to your child in whatever language u want, wherever you are! Kids can otherwise get lazy and might start answering to you in a community language. He is benefitting hugely from having an English speaking mum and your MIL is very shortsighted or insecure if she doesn’t see that. She can also try to learn English and she really doesn’t have to understand everything that you say to your child or husband. I’d explain to her the above and would say that I choose how I speak to my child but she if she can’t tolerate it, then I won’t visit and have some alone time while husband takes my son there.
is this a reason why his sister fell out with you?

Tbh I think you were a bit rude here.
also it is different when you are teaching a child a language, you need to be consistent for it to work.

She is being ridiculous.

You have made the effort to learn her language. If she hasn't made the effort to learn yours that's on her. It is a huge effort to be speaking all the time in a language that is not yours, and unnatural to do it with your dh and dc. I know, I have lived in countries where the language was not my own for most of my life. It would be a huge imposition to force you to speak even more spanish than you already do.

I would say that's fine, from now on we will only see you at our house. Knowing spanish mothers as I do, she will absolutely hate that as there is nothing they like more than sitting at home and having all the family come round to them.

Frankly it sounds like you are doing all the accommodating with this family. My one piece of advice (again, from someone who has a lot of experience of the culture) is to set your boundaries and stick to them. And have your dh stick up for you too.

Otherwise they will trample all over them.

It depends what bilingual system you are following. If it is one parent one language then you should address your kids ALWAYS in English. When you speak with you in laws however you speak Spanish. But don’t switch to Spanish to your kids.

OP i really feel for you. I live in Spain too, am fluent in Spanish but that doesn’t mean I have renounced speaking English. If I’m with a group of friends, we speak the common language for that group. IME Spanish people (particularly middle aged women) are notoriously rude if they hear another language spoke. They make uncultured comments, I have been called ‘ugly’ for having a private conversation in English, am told ‘we’re in Spain, don’t talk weird’, and heck knows what else. For many of them if something hasn’t happened in their ‘pueblo’ it’s not worth mentioning and if you didn’t grow up on their street or meet them at school, you’re a waste of time. Fortunately I have a lot of lovely, cultured friends who couldn’t give a damn what your passport says. Your accent is a sign of bravery - not everyone could set up life abroad. Ignore her comments, it’s pathetic. Your child’s english roots are as important as his Spanish ones.

Speaking as a languages teacher, OPOL (one parent, one language) is the gold standard for bilingual children, but a close second will be one language in the home (both parents) and another one in day to day life (they country they live in - so school, shops, wider family) as you are doing. Absolutely do not stop speaking to your son in English. Although it would be fine for your husband to speak to him in Spanish as well. But, to be politic, it would be better to speak to your husband in Spanish when you can, as your update indicates that you do.

Unfortunately, a lot of people don't understand bilingualism and take it as an insult if you speak a language they're not fluent in in front of them (I find this at work, especially with monolingual people who seem to think that being fluent in a language is an on-off switch and don't get that there are certain words or phrases you might not know or temporarily forget, or just things that are easier to express in one language than another, as well as all the emotional and cultural baggage of each language, so they get offended when the language they don't speak is used in front of them). Particularly with a young child, you will be much more comfortable speaking to him in your own native language - nursery rhymes, children's stories, little phrases will all come naturally to you in your mother tongue in a way that you just don't have with a language you acquired as an adult.

I would get you and your husband together to explain to her (once more) what you're doing in terms of raising your son to be bilingual, and how important it is for you to be able to communicate naturally with him. And gently point out that it is in no way a slight to her. But absolutely do not stop speaking to him in English, wherever you are, so many parents give up bilingualism because of things like this and then the kids end up with only limited skills in the parents' language.

This.

I have a similar situation in Germany with the MIL. I just ignore her complaints and continue speaking English with my child.

My child's bilingual development is far more important than the MIL's 'house rules'

Speak Spanish in her house. Speak English to your son at home. She probably feels left out, or your saying something negative behind her back. Even if that's not your intention.

Not the same thing but a lot of the cleaners at work are Bulgarian and they chatter in their first language...it does exclude me (even if all they are talking about is the weather) and I'm naturally nosy!

I have bilingual kids. We did one parent one language. It worked a treat. Never ever would my parents have made my DH not speak his native language to our kids and vice versa. If they don’t understand that then they are selfish and parochial. How lucky for your kids to have both English and Spanish.

Purely on the basis of how rude she was to you, yanbu. If if makes her uncomfortable she can be an adult and speak to you about it politely.

Speak in English to your son. It's important for his learning and your MIL is unreasonable to prohibit this. Your son, your way. You should stand your ground as you're not trying to be offensive or sneaky with your English here and she doesn't have a right to get in the way of your son's bilingual upbringing. She should be happy about it.

I speak 3 languages and don't feel uncomfortable when I hear a language I don't speak being spoken near me but I imagine some monolingual people don't like it. That's on them in my opinion.

It doesn't matter whose house you're in, no one should be telling you which language to speak to your child in. Just don't go there. She sounds horrid.

I think she's really rude to demand this, particularly when she knows that Spanish is not your first language so you may be more comfortable speaking in another/may be struggling for a word.

Sounds like you will be spending less time with her at her house then.

Speak to your son how you want. Perhaps she is interfering.

I'd say fine, in future you will expect her to speak English in your house. And if she is making you feel uncomfortable visiting, then tell her you'll be staying home in future with your child and she can visit you there!

You have every right to speak to your child in your mother tongue.

Id be tempted to tell her you are considering moving back to England

Explain (preferably with your husband)why you speak English to your son - if she doesn't understand and semi apologies - vist as little as possible for a while as it is harming your sons bilingualism no aggression no threats just quite positive action.

Spanish native speaker here (not a Spaniard though but we share some cultural traits). Your MIL is not being unreasonable and speaking English in her house would definitely be seen as impolite.

Don't visit her house anymore. Invite her to your house.

My friend children speak 4 languages. They switch depending on who they are talking to. It's a great skill.

Your H needs to discuss this with her.
Its in the child's best interest to be bilingual.
& I would reduce visits.only go if your H goes too