My mother-in-law has confronted me that I speak English in her house...

[GraceAlicia]

I live in Spain with my husband who is from here. We have a one and a half year old son who is learning both languages as he develops. With his grandparents, he is speaking in Spanish and with his mum and dad, we are speaking in English.

When we go to our parents-in-laws' house, naturally I speak to my son in English but all interactions with my parents-in-law are in Spanish. Naturally, I often speak to my husband in English when it comes to our son (as this is the language we "met in" and as I said, it is the language we speak in with our son) and this has always been the case.

As I moved here three years ago, in the beginning I wasn't able to speak Spanish so my husband would have to interpret everything but now I have grasped the language very well and I am able to converse with them with no problems.

Now fast forward until today (three years later after I have been apart of this family), and my husband has been having problems with his sister recently (as she has been excluding me from the family - this is worth another chat to explain!!!) and I have not gotten myself involved. Today at the table when we were eating, his sister was brought into conversation and the Mother started to get defensive and attack and suddenly she, out of nowhere, said, "and you won't speak in English in my house anymore. I am tired of English being spoken in my house".

Do you think it is right of her to ask/demand of such a thing? I can understand that if she doesn't understand things, she can get conscious. But since we don't have any problem between us (that I know of), she has absolutely no reason to feel this way. And like I said before, I speak to them both (my parents-in-law) in Spanish and only with my son and sometimes with my husband in English. I never speak to my husband in English about serious topics but things like, "Can you help out with Jack?" or "What time are you home?" Never topics that would make somebody feel conscious or insecure.

What do you think about it? Should I be more conscious and only speak in Spanish in her house? I feel like I want to stand my ground because if I don't speak in English with my son, nobody else will. I want to maintain this with him as its my first language and its how I express myself the best. And also I want my son to speak English here in Spain.

Let me know what you think!!!

This. She doesn't know that you are just saying trivial things to your husband. It's very rude. It won't affect your sons ability to learn both languages. At grandma's everyone speaks Spanish.

I think if someone came round to my (English speaking in England) house and was regularly speaking Spanish, I would find this rude. So, on that basis, I can see your MIL's point.

You have the right to talk to your child in any language you see fit. I would tell MIL, that it is absolutely fine for you to just speak Spanish in her house as you only plan on visiting at Christmas and the odd special occasion. I would then add that she is more than welcome to come and see her grandchild at your house, where you have decided that only English is acceptable and no Spanish.

It wasn't expressed the best way, but as previous posters have said she may feel insecure about what you are saying to your son. If you can speak Spanish, in this situation I would do it. Maybe sepeak in Spanish first, then repeat in English so MIL realises there is nothing amiss or undermining in what you say.

I was in this position OP. I decided to speak to the adults nd their kids in their language, but continued speaking to my kids in English. I don't want to teach my children the other language, how could I? They are better at it than me! And it is important I am the one that teaches them English properly. The children will find it easier to not muddle the languages if mum speaks English and dad and family speak the other language.

I would tell the kids things and then translate for Mil - " I just asked them to take their shoes off" or whatever

However for our youngest child I had given up, we all got on well, he heard a right mixture of the two languages from me, his dad, dad's family and his older brother and sisters. So he only started speaking at four years old. But once he started talking he was perfect, didn't muddle it up and spoke in complete sentences after just pointing at stuff for 4 years. I think bilingual children work it all out in the end.

Do your in-laws speak English?

I'm tended to think you should speak to your husband and son in Spanish when you're in her house.

Could you try speaking to your son in English as usual (OPOL - one parent, one language, as mentioned), but then repeating what you said in Spanish, as a compromise?

This is something I do when my son and I are around others that don't understand "our" language.

I was lucky, though, as my MiL thought it was brilliant that my son should learn another language, and didn't mind my speaking to him in a language she didn't understand.

Speaking in Spanish to your son when you’re at your MILs house isn’t going to prevent him from learning English. You have plenty of other time for that.

It’s better for his interaction with his grandparents who he’s supposed to be visiting if communication around them is in a language that doesn’t exclude them.

Plus, it’s just plain rude to visit people in their home and then speak in a language they can’t understand.

Spanish at MILs at all times.
Spanish in your own home when the in-laws are visiting.
English in your own home, day to day.

I think it would be polite to speak Spanish in her home. Your son won’t lose much in terms of language if you speak Spanish every now and again around him. I speak three languages and I’d never speak in a language that excludes someone if it was possible not to.

But I wouldn’t be going round there as much if they’re all being so grumpy and rude.

Does your DH speak to his son in English too?
If so has she said anything about him not speaking English in front of her?

I do think it’s very rude to speak English in front of MIL if you can speak Spanish.

I’d hate someone speaking in a different language around me, knowing they can speak my language as I’d get the impression it’s something you don’t want me to understand.

Your DH needs to explain that you’re both speaking to your son in English only as that’s what you’ve been told to do.

However I would make a real effort to say it in English and then in Spanish, so not only is MIL not feeling left out but your child is also picking up both languages.

Well that’s not technically true if you are following the OPOL method.

But even then, English is the minority language if the child. If the OP doesn’t speak to the child often in English and ime stick to English with them all the time, by the time the child is 6~7yo and at school, they will be speaking Spanish all the time and won’t be speaking a lot if English.

So yes, I spoke my language ONLY with my dcs for a very long time, regardless of who was around. My IL never had an issue with it (I’ve also translated and explained when we were all around the table for example).
That means I have two dcs who are fluent in French whereas my two friends who are in a similar situation have children who don’t speak French 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I think the issue you are raising is a hard one @GraceAlicia .

On one side I can understand why they would feel left out.

But in the other, if your communication language with your DH is English then this will be the language you will both review to automatically. So I can. See how, even if you were saying let’s speak only spanish when IL are around, you are likely to still have English coming through.

I’m curious to know what your DH thinks about that request. Is he on board with making an effort or does he think they are making a point (for whatever reason?)? You want to be in the same page AND take care of whatever is happening with his sister too.

I also think that some of these answers are not from people living in bilingual families.
Its not the same as going to a party or being at work with people who speak another language. The dynamics are different.

Absolutely continue to speak English to your child. It's a very good idea to keep your relationship 100% in English, at the very least until his English is very well established, as it will reduce the likelihood of him starting to speak to you in Spanish and refusing to speak English. I imagine he's not talking much yet, but when he is he will hopefully naturally speak English to you. That's the whole goal of raising your child to be bilingual! What's she going to make of that, when her grandson speaks English and mixes the two languages (which he will)? Someone introducing negative emotions about bilingualism and making him ashamed of his minority language like it is something inappropriate is something you really want to avoid.

Also live in Sweden, children nearly adults now and we speak two languages and always have. Noone has ever said anything negative about it. It’s up to our family, and we’re a bilingual family so that’s just how it is.

Speaking Spanish in MIL’s home sounds reasonable, unless it confuses or upsets your son, BUT the way she made the request was unreasonable and I’d be careful how you handle this. You don’t want a massive falling out, but also don’t want her to think it’s okay to speak to you this way. Did your husband say anything when she spoke to you like this? He should have had your back there.

To be honest I would politely ignore all comments from anyone monolingual when it comes to the topic of raising bilingual children. Including your MIL if she is monolingual.

No. If you want to raise bilingual children, regardless of where you are, each parent should speak their mother tongue to the children,. One parent one language. Your mother in law is insecure. I can understand it is hard when nobody else might understand that language but it is still the right thing to do. Acquiring two languages or more when growing up is a privilege. She should want the best for her grandchildren. Stand your ground ! Tell her you will always speak to your child in your own language. If you stop speaking english and continue to live there, you will feel lonely in the future since your children may not be able to speak to you in English and that would be sad.

If your PIL doesn't speak English, but you do speak Spanish, then it would be more polite to speak Spanish in your PIL's house, at least to your PIL and your husband but probably to your son too. It's rude to exclude other people from the conversation, especially in their own home.

I wouldn't be told by anyone what language to speak to my child and where.

If your MIL wishes to be rude to you, you can tell her YOU will cease to call to her house and she can visit YOUR child, at YOUR home, where YOU will speak any language YOU wish.

I hope your husband will back you up.

If he doesn't, he's a dud.

Do your own parents speak Spanish? If not, get DH to make the point to MIL that he speaks only Spanish to your DS, including in your parents' house, and they don't complain (assuming this is true!) so it's the same when you speak to DS in English in her house.

The issue of speaking to DH in English is trickier. If you speak fluent Spanish and PIL speak zero English then I'd be inclined to make more of an effort. But I also think there has to be some give and take in international families. Maybe you have to put up with sometimes speaking to DH in a language that feels unnatural for your relationship for MIL'a sake. But maybe MIL also has to put up with sometimes hearing your address a remark to him in English. There needs to be some effort and some compromise on both sides, otherwise the relationship won't work. That's just how international families work.

Your MIL is an idiot, has no idea about what is involved in raising bilingual children, and should be told to fuck off, by you and your husband. My DP speaks a foreign language to our son and if anybody in my family told her she couldn't I would hit the roof

I wouldn't let anyone dictate to me what language I spoke to my son in.

I would be inclined to kill her with kindness. "I had no idea I had offended you, I'm so sorry. We want DS to speak both languages well, but now I know speaking English upsets you, I'll make an effort to only speak Spanish around you" etc. She'll soon soften up.