Do husbands support wives financially during maternity leave?

[DogsAndGin]

Hi everyone,

Pregnant with our first baby and starting to think about saving up and preparing for mat leave.

Currently, DH earns more than I do, and we spend the same proportion of our income on bills etc, and then the rest is ours to do with what we wish.

However, when I go onto mat leave, I will be getting about £800 a month on average across 12 months. If I am very careful, this will just about cover my direct debits and responsibilities, and will leave me with absolutely nothing at all for any spending money, birthdays and Xmas, trips out etc.

This will be too tight, so, looking at my options:

• I can’t save anything in advance (every spare penny is going on home renovations).
• I don’t have a job where I can get any overtime or bonuses.
• I could sell my car (would probably get £2000, plus save on insurance, tax, mot, fuel).

DH’s income will remain largely the same throughout baby’s first year, as he’ll only take two weeks paternity leave.

So, my very naive questions! -

For those of you in the same situation, (married/cohabiting and both full time employed) - is there a way families tend to make this inequality in loss of earnings fairer?

Do husbands tend to support their wives financially during mat leave?

Neither of us want to put baby into nursery during their first year, and I don’t think that would be cost effective anyway.

DH refuses to take more than 2 weeks paternity leave, so we can’t split the leave (and loss of earnings) that way. Both he and I want for me to stay with the baby for the first year.

Yeah we don't have split money..

I get paid monthly and my partner gets paid weekly. My entire wage pays the rent and car finance. He pays the rest of the bills and whatever is left goes into a joint account which is our spending money, because he's paid weekly it works for us because it is replenished every Friday, I do the family budget monthly and when she's paid we sit in the mornings before he goes to work and we transfer money to where it needs to be and this works for our family, it's a conversation you two need to have and come to a decision of how to work it, but absolutely not should one of you be living lavish and one of you struggle. That's ludicrous.

"A “bait and switch” takes place when a seller creates an appealing but ingenuine offer to sell a product or service, which the seller does not actually intend to sell."

Wow, @Enny70, what a crap attitude you have! So OP is a seller, is she? Selling herself to her husband/buyer?

Oh, but wait - "Both he and I want for me to stay with the baby for the first year", and "DH refuses to take more than 2 weeks paternity leave". So it would appear that the buyer has changed his mind and now wishes to purchase a stay at home mum. Well, I never! Having changed the specifications of his bespoke purchase, should he not expect the price to change to reflect that?

Give your head a wobble Enny. Life is not a series of transactions - well, they may be for you.

Massive generalisation. I have a great career. We chuck it all in the pot. My DH is now loving the fact I out earn him! He’s shared his inheritance with me (I put 50% in my name immediately for tax reasons). He respects me as a person but has a strong sense of team and family.

Have you spoken to him about this? If you've discussed what will happen the first year then finance should have come up. Definitely speak to him. Youre both bringing a child into the world you need to be working as a team. My husband earns more than me and he paid extra into our joint account which covered bills, rent and living expenses (food).

What she ACTUALLY says is

However, when I go onto mat leave, I will be getting about £800 a month on average across 12 months. If I am very careful, this will just about cover my direct debits and responsibilities, and will leave me with absolutely nothing at all for any spending money, birthdays and Xmas, trips out etc.

So as she is still paying her share of agreed direct debits and responsibilities and there will be nothing left!

Are you being deliberately obtuse Sleeping or just not bothering to read properly?

You said he is not bothered about paying the bills and baby stuff so you will have your 800 for your crap how much would he have left after paying all the bills and baby stuff? Would he have 800 too or do you just want him to pay for everything you want and you keep your 800 on top? I have no clue what personal bills would come too 800 but if you have 100 per month phone contract or something like that you should pay not him

No, I took it that she would continue to pay 'her half' of all bills, eg rent, gas bill, council tax, food etc. Out of her £800 a month maternity pay. Which would leave her with nothing for personal spends like hairdos, and he would not be prepared to fund these.

If that's the case then he is pretty crap TBH. Especially as he is keen for her to be at home for a year.

No, she said if she had to ask him for money to cover bills or baby stuff then he would but he wouldn't give money for luxuries.
She still has to use her money for all her normal bills which leaves nothing. If she is short of money to pay a bill, he'll pay it but he wont pay for anything else. Logically that means that if she spends her money on personal things and cant pay a bill, he will ask how she managed to get her hair done because she is meant to continue paying her usual number of bills.

Yes which I read as "paying all my DD would leave me skint" in one message and then later "but he's OK to pay those bills and the baby stuff" so if she let's him pay it all she'll have money

Agreed

You're married and you're having a baby, together. What husband sits there and watches their wife go without while she stays home and takes care of THEIR baby? 🙈 If you're a family, you have one joint family income, and you go from there. Every family does the logistics a little differently, but surely there aren't families where the man is living it up with all of his disposable income while the woman struggles on mat pay?

On a practical level, my husband hugely out earns me as I work part-time and look after our child the rest of the time. We work finances out so that we have exactly the same amount of disposable income each month. I don't see it as him funding my lifestyle in the slightest. Or if he is, I'm also funding his lifestyle by looking after his child, allowing him to work full time which he wants to do. If he dared suggest he was unhappy funding me going out for a coffee with a friend or getting my hair done I think we'd be over. Or I'd suggest we switch places and he stays home with the kid, he'd shut up quick enough 😆

Yes, absolutely! I can’t believe you are even thinking about selling your car. Joint child means joint responsibility - you will do physical job, he will provide financial support.
I do accept however that having a baby might be tricky time for family finances and might require to be more careful with money but for BOTH of you.

Sleeping "Yes which I read as "paying all my DD would leave me skint" in one message and then later "but he's OK to pay those bills and the baby stuff" so if she let's him pay it all she'll have money"

Pemba No, I took it that she would continue to pay 'her half' of all bills, eg rent, gas bill, council tax, food etc. Out of her £800 a month maternity pay. Which would leave her with nothing for personal spends like hairdos, and he would not be prepared to fund these

I read it the same as Pemba.

op, it’s really important you don’t hide these things from family and friends. When talking to your dh you say I am terribly embarrassed that I would have to tell my parents and siblings and friends that I can’t meet them for lunch or coffee or buy them birthday presents and I will be very clear to them that it’s because I don’t have any money because you won’t share finances while I’m on maternity leave. Make sure he knows that everyone will know why you are skint. Otherwise these situations happen and nobody realises that the husband is a nasty man who loves himself much more than you or baby. He knows how this will look.

@DogsAndGin How are things now?