Do husbands support wives financially during maternity leave?

[DogsAndGin]

Hi everyone,

Pregnant with our first baby and starting to think about saving up and preparing for mat leave.

Currently, DH earns more than I do, and we spend the same proportion of our income on bills etc, and then the rest is ours to do with what we wish.

However, when I go onto mat leave, I will be getting about £800 a month on average across 12 months. If I am very careful, this will just about cover my direct debits and responsibilities, and will leave me with absolutely nothing at all for any spending money, birthdays and Xmas, trips out etc.

This will be too tight, so, looking at my options:

• I can’t save anything in advance (every spare penny is going on home renovations).
• I don’t have a job where I can get any overtime or bonuses.
• I could sell my car (would probably get £2000, plus save on insurance, tax, mot, fuel).

DH’s income will remain largely the same throughout baby’s first year, as he’ll only take two weeks paternity leave.

So, my very naive questions! -

For those of you in the same situation, (married/cohabiting and both full time employed) - is there a way families tend to make this inequality in loss of earnings fairer?

Do husbands tend to support their wives financially during mat leave?

Neither of us want to put baby into nursery during their first year, and I don’t think that would be cost effective anyway.

DH refuses to take more than 2 weeks paternity leave, so we can’t split the leave (and loss of earnings) that way. Both he and I want for me to stay with the baby for the first year.

I am sorry you are in this situation. It was sad to read but you’ve received some great advice. I’ve been married 28 years and not once has my DH ever queried any amount I have spent on anything, whatever it was.

He would absolutely not think it’s fair that he pays for or contributes towards my highlights or lunch out with an NCT friend though

If he's not pressed for money then he 'should' contribute to those things.
You can't afford it as you're looking after your joint child. If he can't afford a haircut or lunch out for himself then that's fair enough. But if he gets to have haircuts and go out for lunch then it's fair that you should too.

It's always been "our money" in our house, regardless of who was working or who earned the most at any given time in our lives. We are a team and have been hard up or well off together and in equal measure. You need to have a chat with the man whose family you are carrying!

You're effectively becoming a SAHM, which he wants, so yes in turn, he becomes the breadwinner.

If he won't buy you lunch or pay for highlights then you ensure you're keeping some of your own income for personal stuff, just as I'd imagine he will with his own salary. But is he for real??! You give up your life, career and body to raise the child the two of you made together, what you do with your fair share of the FAMILY INCOME is not really up for him to decide.

I've been in your position. Splitting bills 50/50, then maternity leave I was left with not a single penny to myself. He helped for a while following this but he resented it and made sure I knew about it. I resented feeling like a burden in what should be an equal partnership. So I'm now a single parent and i might be skint but better than a financially controlling man.

As others have said, it’s the family’s money so it needs to be shared fairly, but how you do that may differ from how others do it. We find it easier to be accountable for our own expenditure so have our own current accounts, but they’re both joint accounts for transparency with each other.

When my DW went on maternity leave, for which she only got statutory maternity pay, I ensured all of her bills were paid for by my salary, as well as my own, and then we split the money left over equally.

When it came to me taking my SPL, my employer topped it up to full pay (the same as they do for women’s maternity leave), so we didn’t have the same problem then.

When we decided to start a family it was done with the knowledge that we would have less disposable income. I didn’t go to work full time until my children were in school.
we made sacrifices like shopping for clothes in cheaper shops and stopped buying each other gifts.
of course it’s your husbands job to support the family if he’s the one that continues to work.
you need to also take into account you might have a child with extra medical needs.
our 3rd child was born with a genetic disorder and is disabled.
whilst it’s likely you’ll have a perfectly healthy child and be fine to go back when they’re a year old, you Can’t always just assume it will be possible so it’s wise to bare that in mind.
you need a joint account of some sort so that his money is your money and vice Versa or you’ll end up feeling resentful and possibly vulnerable.

Yes but with a but.
The but being if you have always set up financial matters because of your being a career woman separately and he has gone into family with you thinking this will continue then it is wrong for you to suddenly expect him to be your provider.

You can’t bait and switch him like that and be career woman with seperate finance when it suits and stay at home mum and he the provider when it suits.

I like having my own money and therefore we have a joint bills account and other joint accounts for food and we pay in a percentage proportional to our salaries for these things and then use those accounts. What's left tends to be for personal spends, treating each other etc and also DH pays for summer holiday (as he earns more than 3 times my salary). When I was not working for 8 years while raising children he paid for everything bills wise and gave me a small allowance each month (from the small amount of household surplus we had) so I could buy gifts, small treats and go for pizza meals with friends without needing to ask him. I even got an allowance review letter from him when he got his annual pay review letter from work increasing the amount a little each year. We didn't have much money when the kids were little but it was a nice thing to do.

@Mumontour85

This is the danger of being a career woman and attractive the kind of man who wants an independent split costs career woman - there is a reason he is comfortable with that and it’s because he doesn’t have the provider instinct which is why he goes for that in the first place.

@Yespresh

But did you start of as both assuming you would be working and contributing to finances in equal measure those 28 years ago in 94?

You can’t bait and switch him like that and be career woman with seperate finance when it suits and stay at home mum and he the provider when it suits.

That’s sexist bullshit.

@Happyjoyjoy

I think this is the danger of the man who wants an equal working partner for a wife. It’s great if they don’t have kids but if they do then the reason why he wanted the career woman comes to the fore and it’s because he isn’t and doesn’t want to be a provider. That doesn’t gel with pregnancy and feelings of wanting to be close to your baby.

We have one bank account. Money goes in, money goes out. Who puts it in is irrelevant. We've had time when only one of us is working. If you're earning enough that one of you can be a stay at home parent, great. It shouldnt cause financial hardship!

@GoodThinkingMax

How so? I’m not saying I support his beahviour cos I don’t but these types of men who want to be with someone with an equal career and keep seperate financials usually aren’t suited to suddenly having to be the sole provider - that’s why they avoid it in the first place by keeping finances seperate and coupling up with an equal earning woman. That’s nature

Unless you open a joint bank account to cover expenses and take some for personal allowances it’ll get very messy.
When you need a buggy or cot are you going to pay half or do it on a pro rata basis? The list goes on and trying to divide it up becomes petty and causes arguments.
In our case I’m a SAHP and we have a joint account and I have a PO acc with my “running away money” which gives me independence

@GoodThinkingMax

personally I think society is unfair to women these days. Not only are expected to procreate and keep the world inhabited, we also have to Provide too. It’s also very unfair to children who end up with 2 parents who stressed and over worked and don’t have had much time for them as they did in the past.
no wonder mental health is such a big problem these days.

You’ve picked an asshat. Sorry.

pool it and divide 50/50.

if he won’t tell him you’re going back to work and he can take the year off.

What bollocks. It’s not a ‘bait and switch’ to expect him to bear the cost of rearing his own child, particularly as he wants OP to stay at home for a year. OP could be Sheryl Sandberg and her DH would still need to cough up to cover expenses for their child - and opportunity cost of lost income is an expense.

Your mindset is all wrong. He wouldn’t be ‘supporting his wife’ he would be providing financially for his family.

Presumably you both choose to have a baby, so you are equally responsible for the care and financial costs involved.

If you are taking the 12 months off to provide childcare he needs to cover all bills, household expenses etc then anything leftover gets split equally between you, obviously factoring in your maternity pay as well.

@Enny70 tbh I have no idea or memory of it.

Since the day we moved into together we have pooled our money, for a good few years before the kids came along also, and we’re not married. Married or not you’re in a partnership and it shouldn’t be about who earns what. As long as the bills are paid and you both have equal spends and make any decisions regarding money together it shouldn’t really matter who earns the most. It tends to be the woman who ends up working part time too to either save on childcare costs or just because they want to be there more for their child, whatever the reason, it can end up saving couples money but it shouldn’t solely be based on your income.

@Chaoslatte

Which is why he’s insecure probably. Talking about all the income she’s losing and how he needs to cover it. This is the problem - if he was a provider type he wouldn’t care if she had ever worked or would ever work again - but he’s not, that’s why he picked her, someone who pays 50/50.
Its not realistic to expect this kind of man who wants a career woman to be happy when that career woman decides to be a SAHM and says - and now you owe me what I would have made from my brilliant career, when this guy was trying to avoid being the provider by picking a woman with a career in the first place.

This is one of those threads when the (arse of a) husband should be made to read it.

Exactly the same here. Same bank account, both salaries in. Irrelevant who put the money in. I had mat leave, DH had a period of unemployment, all bills including childcare came out of this account.
Have a talk about how it will work for you.
You might want to have equal spending money out, for example, but run the household with both monies.
I was shocked the first time I read on here that a woman had gone through her savings on mat leave paying household bills and couldn't afford childcare to go back to work. It has to be shared.