Do husbands support wives financially during maternity leave?

[DogsAndGin]

Hi everyone,

Pregnant with our first baby and starting to think about saving up and preparing for mat leave.

Currently, DH earns more than I do, and we spend the same proportion of our income on bills etc, and then the rest is ours to do with what we wish.

However, when I go onto mat leave, I will be getting about £800 a month on average across 12 months. If I am very careful, this will just about cover my direct debits and responsibilities, and will leave me with absolutely nothing at all for any spending money, birthdays and Xmas, trips out etc.

This will be too tight, so, looking at my options:

• I can’t save anything in advance (every spare penny is going on home renovations).
• I don’t have a job where I can get any overtime or bonuses.
• I could sell my car (would probably get £2000, plus save on insurance, tax, mot, fuel).

DH’s income will remain largely the same throughout baby’s first year, as he’ll only take two weeks paternity leave.

So, my very naive questions! -

For those of you in the same situation, (married/cohabiting and both full time employed) - is there a way families tend to make this inequality in loss of earnings fairer?

Do husbands tend to support their wives financially during mat leave?

Neither of us want to put baby into nursery during their first year, and I don’t think that would be cost effective anyway.

DH refuses to take more than 2 weeks paternity leave, so we can’t split the leave (and loss of earnings) that way. Both he and I want for me to stay with the baby for the first year.

He kind of had to support me during mat leave. I've kind of had to support him between contracts. C'est marriage, surely? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Exactly, @iCouldSleepForAYear I took a risk by financially supporting DH through a two-year Master’s degree. It enabled him to make a career change and ultimately benefited the entire family. We’re a unit!

It is beyond me how functional, loving marriages with children work if they don’t pool resources and pay for everything jointly. I respect my husband and he respects me. We both contribute financially and emotionally to our family. We have joint financial goals and hopes for our family. We have a joint account. All money goes in and all our spending comes out. Please OP, have this conversation with your husband asap. Maybe he doesn’t realise that other families do it like this. Finances will take a hit for 12 months but that financial hit should be the family, not just you. If he doesn’t agree to pool finances, I would take the shortest maternity leave possible and get him to pay for half of the childcare. You’ll need your job when the marriage inevitably ends. Financial abuse takes many forms.

I would say it's a red flag if he doesn't. I've seen it too often on here. Mum takes maternity leave, has to scrimp and save on “her" money. Buy things for child with her money.Then has to continue funding child(ren) on her money (childcare etc) if she goes back to work. Which she has to because DH is tight with “his" money.
Money should be shared, you are having his child!

All money is for family use. Same as all spending on children is both parents responsibility, it's not main carer buys nappies and clothes etc and other parent gets more to spend on themselves. And things like coffee and lunches out can be a live saver for a new parent. We had s lovely little community cafe near us, spent many an hour chatting to fellow customers and the lovely people that worked there, kept me going in the early days when leaving the house was mission. Also the free baby song and story time at the local library. There's so these figures about how much it costs per year to raise a child. I can never work out what the monies being spent on.

“Does he think it’s fair that your pension and your earning capacity in your career will take a substantial hit because you are having your JOINT child?”

This in spades. Your husband sounds like a child, moaning about what’s fair! You’re on mat leave, it’s hard work. If he’s so worried about things being fair then he should take his fair share of the negative hit of paternity leave.

With trust.

We've never pooled money but I trust him to hand over the amount of money I ask for each month for his share.

I can never understand how people make this work without pooling all of their money into one account.
DH and I have our own accounts too and get the same amount as each other every month to spend on what we like.
We're TTC now and have already planned to reduce the "spending money" we each get to help us survive my smaller income when I start maternity leave. How could any couple expect that the woman will take the hit and the man sail through the first 12 months of parenthood unscathed?

We aren’t married, partner puts a chunk of his salary into the joint account and I use it for whatever.

Maybe he doesn’t realise that other families do it like this.
I doubt it. Men like this usually know exactly what they are doing.

We've never pooled money but I trust him to hand over the amount of money I ask for each month for his share.

You don’t have to physically pool it though - DH and I get paid into separate accounts, and I tell him what to transfer and I transfer a corresponding amount so we both have the same spending money.

It’s about seeing resources as joint and for the benefit of the family. Obviously you both do - OP’s husband doesn’t.

Remember you’re putting your earning potential on hold so that your dp can be a father.

So so true.

Remember you’re putting your earning potential on hold so that your dp can be a father.
Maybe. On the other hand maybe the dp had little interest in being a father, but the op was very invested in becoming a mother. It would explain dodging the tough conversations before getting pregnant.

He got married,. They had a kid. They are a family.

Trying to dodge out of supporting his wife whilst she raises his child, which he refuses to take time of work to do, whilst he keeps his full salary, is just loathsome.

What exactly does he think should happen? That you take a year off work to raise your joint baby (and recover from birthing it) but that this doesn’t impact him financially and you spend the year being deprived of the same standard of living as he enjoys? Like some kind of second class participant in the marriage?!
You really need to understand how messed up this is. This is not a family man and this really, really doesn’t bode well for you

All of this.

Would or does think that? Have you actually had this conversation?

Modern ways eh? I supported my wife covering all bills and then she waited five years before returning to work.

So how does he expect you to pat for lunchbout or highlights then as you are looking after the baby (HIS baby as well) and can't earn, which is what he wants to happen for his/your baby? Does he just expect you to forego all 'treats" that keep you sane, are part of normal life and do nothing but baby care? Yet he refuses to take longer paternity leave ..oh well I wonder why!!!

You really need to sort this out with him, like a lot of people said it’s “our money” not mine / his. I do find it strange once kids come that couples still split it. I wouldn’t think twice about using joint account to buy coffee with mum friends etc. My friend however had to ask for spends each day with her husband. They are divorced now (not completely unrelated)

From the moment we got married both our salaries went into a joint account and it's never been changed. When I gave up work to raise our children (I realise I'm very blessed as it was a choice we were able to make) my husband's salary kept us all. They were his children as well as mine - he earned the money and I did the unpaid work at home but also did a lot of fun / educational stuff. Money has never been a source of contention - we are a team and make decisions as a team. If you commit to loving and caring for each other it just goes with the territory.

I’m actually a bit sad that you need to ask this. Presumably he is the child’s father so surely the answer is obvious?

Yes before maternity we would split 50/50 but now I pay £150 of the £500 rent and he pays for the food shopping, utility bills and the rest of the rent.

You're a family, it's family money. Are you going to divide up who buys nappies and who buys formula? Mat leave is part of your family commitment, not a 'his vs hers' debate.

Same here. Never needed to worry about money ever. Even when I was on mat leave never.

It’s his baby too so he should be contributing!
if you factored in the time/effort you are putting into being pregnant then parenting, it will soon add up

me & my husband earned the same until recently, when my company mat pay ran out and I was on stat pay, I paid what I could and he covered the rest - after all your combined income is for your family… of which you and your soon to be baby are part of so he should be increasing his amount, and IMO changing how he views his income, it should be family pot first then an assigned amount for himself after, and only after everything else is covered

Yes, get a joint account and pay both salaries into it. That way you both have access to the money and can see what it is being spent on. I do find it a bit depressing that you even have to ask the question really.