Do husbands support wives financially during maternity leave?

[DogsAndGin]

Hi everyone,

Pregnant with our first baby and starting to think about saving up and preparing for mat leave.

Currently, DH earns more than I do, and we spend the same proportion of our income on bills etc, and then the rest is ours to do with what we wish.

However, when I go onto mat leave, I will be getting about £800 a month on average across 12 months. If I am very careful, this will just about cover my direct debits and responsibilities, and will leave me with absolutely nothing at all for any spending money, birthdays and Xmas, trips out etc.

This will be too tight, so, looking at my options:

• I can’t save anything in advance (every spare penny is going on home renovations).
• I don’t have a job where I can get any overtime or bonuses.
• I could sell my car (would probably get £2000, plus save on insurance, tax, mot, fuel).

DH’s income will remain largely the same throughout baby’s first year, as he’ll only take two weeks paternity leave.

So, my very naive questions! -

For those of you in the same situation, (married/cohabiting and both full time employed) - is there a way families tend to make this inequality in loss of earnings fairer?

Do husbands tend to support their wives financially during mat leave?

Neither of us want to put baby into nursery during their first year, and I don’t think that would be cost effective anyway.

DH refuses to take more than 2 weeks paternity leave, so we can’t split the leave (and loss of earnings) that way. Both he and I want for me to stay with the baby for the first year.

@Sarah3587

I think a lot (maybe most) men would be happy to be the main provider, BUT we (well some of us like OP) are the ones who wanted to move away from that except then that goes out the window when family comes.

The thing is, if you want a provider who is fine or actually enjoys being in that role, you are unlikely to find one as a motivated career woman who splits finances equally. So it’s not realistic to think a guy who goes for that will step into the provider role on command like flipping a switch in his head. Thisnis who he is and has always been -

What OP liked in the first place - he liked her independence and career is what has now come back to bite her.

I agree @Sarah3587

I was objecting to a PP saying the OP was operating a deceitful bait and switch on her husband.

Thing is OP hasn't said a word about becoming a SAHM, she's just going on maternity leave and wondering how she's going to pay for stuff when she's on a massively reduced income for that period of time. She's not quit her job and put her feet up!

@GoodThinkingMax

I never said it was intended to be a bait and switch. Only that the reaction of a man who originally wanted a woman who had an equal career and seperate money to that woman becoming a SAHM was entirely predictable. If he was a provider type he never would have gone for that in the first place. That’s the rub - a man who would be a good provider when a woman is with child and staying home probably wouldn’t be as good a husband to a woman who went back to work full time and wanted to split childcare and finance again - and vice versa.

As so many others have said, it’s totally right that ‘his’ earnings should go towards anything you need. If he has money to go
out for lunch so should you. It’s both your child and he’s not taking a hit on earnings to look after it because you are.

@Jackiebrambles

I know, but for the time being she is a SAHM while on maternity leave. The kind of man who wants split finances and both partners to concentrate on career isn’t the kind of man you can count on in that situation

All of our combined income goes into the joint account where all of our bills come out. Since we were married all our income was pooled. He earns more than me now but I've also had some inheritance that I used to pay off a big chunk of our mortgage. We have an equal budget for "fun money" every month which we don't have to okay with each other but if bills are ever tight (like when i was on extended mat leave) we both slashed fun money and we put less in our holiday and other savings pots.

It pisses me off that some women have to take on the financial burden of children whilst their husbands expect no change in lifestyle, career or finances. Talk about being undervalued.

What's even the point in being married if its not to be an equal team and pool resources whether that's money, time or emotional support. X Sorry this is even a question for you OP.

As soon as I went on maternity, I stopped paying any bills. We've always put the same into a joint account and had our own accounts for spending.
I only had stat.mat money but I have saved half and used half. Now I'm using the saved portion until the end of the year. After that, my husband will pay everything as I'm not going back to work and we will have equal 'pocket money'.

I am really sad to read your post OP because as others have said, what you describe is not a partnership and a family, but a series of transactions. You are having a baby together and that means joint responsibility. If you and your husband can't or won't understand that, you have a very major problem. I really hope common sense prevails and that you both manage to find a shared solution. It strikes me that even surrogate mothers are treated better than you are.

If the baby was in nursery full time you would be paying around £600 each in fees. You’re taking the hit on your income so he ‘owes’ you his share.

Personally, we had previously paid proportional amounts into the joint account. When I was on maternity DH increased his amount to cover what I normally would put in.

He should contribute to things like your highlights, nails or lunch with friends as after having baby you will need those type of things for your sanity. Trust me, I have 3 children! Like others have said my dh now pays all bills out of his salary and puts money in our joint account that I use for things like g going to toddler roups, meeting friends, getting my hair done. Its our money...he doesnt moan about that as I'm the one who sacrificed my career, my earning potential....he does moan about how much I spend on food shopping but that's another thread (as he doesnt do it, he doesn't realise the rising cost) I just tell him to shhh and enjoy his dinner.

But she isn't losing the income. They are. Because of a joint decision, to have a joint child (expense). If you don't want any financial hit, you don't have kids - they cost money.

If he can afford to spend money on himself then so should you. Hopefully the unanimous nature of this thread will be of use to you. Please do come back and tell us how you get on.

I wish. My partner convinced me that having a child was a brilliant idea. As soon as she was born I was told 'You better get back to work because there is no way I am supporting you and THAT!

Of course he should! Why should you be so financially compromised, you are both the baby’s parents and it may come as a shock to your DH but newborns can’t look after themselves, so someone has to do it!
I earn marginally more than my DP and both our salaries are equally accounted for. I pay a bit more towards our domestic costs but we end up with about the same in “spends” each month which feels fair. We put what we each could aside in savings between us to cover my time on SMP. If DP was in a position to cover everything financially for us, he just would, without question. As would I actually. You need to be a team.

If his nature is to not want to support his family financially during a period when the other party can't, then he shouldn't have agreed to have children. As a PP mentioned about feminism going against a lot of women nowadays, I couldn't agree more. Its often expected for women to have careers earn good wages, but also run the family home and bring up the kids. It certainly was an unrealistic expectation in my previous relationship hence why I'm doing it on my own now without him.

I have just started my maternity leave and once I’m no longer getting 90% pay my partner will give me £600 more a month. I carried his twins and I certainly didn’t make them myself. I’m also not going back to work so when my mat pay is up he will then be giving me a further £300 more. However I have just paid off his credit cards and my savings will go on extra expenses. It’s a partnership and too right he should give you more money.

@Enny70

You're talking nonsense here. She hasn't decided to be a SAHM she'll be on Mat leave, that isn't the same thing.

Perhaps she can use her mat pay which she's stated will av out at £800 a month for twelve months.

You’re like a stuck record @SleepingStandingUp and a very lone voice.

The OP said right at the beginning of her thread that her maternity pay would barely cover her direct debits and bills. She would have nothing left for herself. By repeating this continually you are basically saying it’s fine for the DH to continue with lunches/treats/extras/ pay in to a pension/ carry on with career progression but the OP must manage on her maternity. So she gets the drop on income and has to struggle yet he doesn’t.

It doesn’t sound any better the more you say it and you’ve said this about 3/4 times now.

He can’t expect you to stop having your hair done / little luxuries or social contact though. He needs to subsidise that as the two of you are jointly having a baby and he doesn’t want to share parental leave. Surely he is on board with this if he wants you at home with baby for a year?

i can see the fix you feel you’re in though because I saved ~7K in the run-up and that covered my buffer plus a reduced contribution to the joint account. We have quite a casual relationship with money generally but my husband would never resent me treating myself and you will need trips out, treats with friends etc for the sake of your mental health. Along these lines, selling your car would presumably restrict you quite a lot (even in terms of the numerous appointments you have to go to in the first few months such as weigh-in clinic, health checks, etc but also for things like baby groups, social meet ups with other mums, going to see your parents, etc).

I would hope he would cover as much of the fixed monthly outgoings as he possibly could and you at least get to spend your mat pay disposably…

We just have joint money. Everything gets paid and we spend out do the same account.
because I took a year maternity with all 3 of mine and worked part time in between DH now earns triple what I do working almost full time now they are older.
we are a family and there are many ways to contribute to that family. One way is financial, others are childcare, emotionally, practically and mentally.

But she said he was happy to pay the bills and baby stuff

We had one pot of money and there was absolutely no records kept of who put what in or took what out.
I dont understand couples that can share a baby but not their bank account.