Do husbands support wives financially during maternity leave?

[DogsAndGin]

Hi everyone,

Pregnant with our first baby and starting to think about saving up and preparing for mat leave.

Currently, DH earns more than I do, and we spend the same proportion of our income on bills etc, and then the rest is ours to do with what we wish.

However, when I go onto mat leave, I will be getting about £800 a month on average across 12 months. If I am very careful, this will just about cover my direct debits and responsibilities, and will leave me with absolutely nothing at all for any spending money, birthdays and Xmas, trips out etc.

This will be too tight, so, looking at my options:

• I can’t save anything in advance (every spare penny is going on home renovations).
• I don’t have a job where I can get any overtime or bonuses.
• I could sell my car (would probably get £2000, plus save on insurance, tax, mot, fuel).

DH’s income will remain largely the same throughout baby’s first year, as he’ll only take two weeks paternity leave.

So, my very naive questions! -

For those of you in the same situation, (married/cohabiting and both full time employed) - is there a way families tend to make this inequality in loss of earnings fairer?

Do husbands tend to support their wives financially during mat leave?

Neither of us want to put baby into nursery during their first year, and I don’t think that would be cost effective anyway.

DH refuses to take more than 2 weeks paternity leave, so we can’t split the leave (and loss of earnings) that way. Both he and I want for me to stay with the baby for the first year.

Unbelievable.

So she will be penniless and car less because she has chosen to have a baby with a waster.

Wake up OP.
Protect yourself.

Shit. This is depressing.

If he is not willing to support you financially (and I mean you, not just the baby!), then I would go back to work much sooner tbh. Having a year off is great if you have a cooperative spouse, but I wouldn't risk it with an arsehole dh.

If he doesn't want you to go back to work earlier, then he'll need to find a way of supporting you to stay off, won't he? Also, please do remind him that he'll be responsible for half of the childcare costs as soon as you do go back.

You are losing income because you are birthing and then caring for your shared child so he should be supporting you yes.

We have a joint account and each put in a percentage of our income and then have some left over in our personals. Soon I’ll stop getting any SMP and I will use the joint to do my spending.

Don’t you just share money? We don’t have his and his money, its ours. I have just finished my six months of leave and my husband is starting his. We share all of our money, so wage goes into a shared account that bills etc come out of. We have a personal spends allowance for anything we want to buy for ourselves, that doesn’t include baby groups etc, we consider those a family cost.

not only did my dh support me but he also made sure my pension contributions were up to snuff as if i had worked full time.

So basically he wants you to sit at home doing the job yes job of looking after his child for free

its still wolrk and its harder than 9-5 but of course he doesnt see it that way does he

Christ! I’m so tired! I think maybe I have to leave mumsnet…. I’m just exhausted from threads like this.

So he thinks basically that you should go a year scrimping and saving as he doesn’t think his baby should be in nursery… is he going to split the difference on how much you will lose out career wise from this (and likely other) May leaves?

Im guessing he’s the type to think you should be the one who stays home when sick, re organises career around school terms etc etc etc?

But of course, if this means you have a lower earning job, then you can’t afford highlights or lunches. All the while he’s saving for his extra lightweight carbon bicycle (he likes to cycle, doesn’t he? If he’s not a cyclist now, I say give it 18 mths).

OP sorry for im being presumptuous. But I ve come across this so bloody often. One hard and fast piece of advice. Never. Ever. Become financially dependent on him.

ps, care work is work!

If you both contribute proportionately then wouldn't that just continue with the lower amounts?

So if you earn 40% of the total income and in turn cover 40% of the bills, then when your mat leave pay means you only earn 20% of the total income, then you cover 20% of the bills. He then earns 80% of the total income so pays 80% of the bills.

Me and dh have had a joint account since we moved in togther, and always just put everything in there and spend what we want from it so when I was on mat leave we just had less in the bank so cut our cloth accordingly.

He absolutely should be paying for your highlights and lunches.

Only if there is actual money available for these. I couldn't afford regular highlights or more that one lunch out a week in a cafe even with dh and I bringing two full time salaries in. So cutting one to stat mat pay wouldn't suddenly make us able to afford these.

I only know of one person who wasn’t supported, she had to sell an investment house to fund her maternity as her dh wouldn’t support her. I suppose in his defence he didn’t want a child anyway but agreed for her, but still!!!

Everyone else was much fairer! My dh fully supported me, for many years post maternity leave.

Yes. We normally pay 50% each into joint account and he paid my share and split the leftover money 50 50 for personal spending.

When I went back to work I paid a bit less into joint and he paid the childcare so we were about even each month.

Of course he should contribute more!
I've been off work for almost 3 years as we had a 2 under 2 and my husband covers absolutely everything. Absolutely DO NOT sell your car, that's the worst idea ever. You will go stir crazy stuck in the house with a baby with no car to get out.

If you dont have the nerve to double down and refuse to accept this, then I'd recommend digging in and refusing to pay for any more home renovations so you can save. Get cash back and piss him off

Good grief. Each to their own, I suppose but this is a stretch. What a cold, unfeeling approach.

My husband and I vowed on our wedding to day, "all that I have I share with you" and at its core for us this means that finances are family finances. This also goes some way to recognising that while carrying our child was something I wanted, it has cost me a significant loss in earnings both during maternity leave and after when I went part time. I may not earn as much as my husband but we are a team. What is in the pot belongs to us both equally and it is for us both to decide what to do with it.

Even if you look at your situation in the least emotional and most practical way, you are still bearing an enormous financial burden by taking maternity leave. For him to allow you to carry his child with all of the health implications and risks, watch you shoulder the loss of earnings and then grudge you a lunch out with a friend because you 'haven't earned enough to pay for it' is sickening. Particularly when he is still happy to take a full 50% contribution for household expenses from your reduced salary.

I find the concept of being in a long term relationship where a couple are willing to have children together and live together, but not to pool incomes properly and share them as equals, a bit weird and repellent, tbh. I can’t imagine being happy to envisage having a completely different quality of life from my partner as a result of income disparities. It just seems hard nosed and uncaring to me. It’s more the way you would treat someone you don’t love, don’t trust, value in financial terms, and probably don’t even like much. More transactional and businesslike than you would expect from people who supposedly want to create a life together and bring up children together.

A man who would continue with his previous levels of discretionary spending but leave you unable to get a haircut or go out for lunch does not love you.

I haven't rtft so it's probably already been said, but you need to have a serious conversation about what will happen when you're back at work. This does not sound like a man who will willingly do half the nursery runs and sick days.

Flip the scenario around for a second.

Let's say, hypothetically, you're the one in full time work and your husband is laid off. Job opportunities aren't happening for him, unemployment stretches for months.

Would you really begrudge your husband having lunch out with a friend?? Especially if he felt completely alone and isolated being unemployed? Would you begrudge him a trip to the barber, or some nice clothes to wear at an interview?

I am another household where both salaries go into two joint accounts. One is for bills and standing orders, the other for household stuff like groceries or taking the kids out someplace. Or a sandwich when out at work. Or lunch/drinks with a friend.

Neither of us have the headspace to micromanage each other's spending. We just try to be reasonable, communicate, and stay in the black between one pay cycle and the next.

He kind of had to support me during mat leave. I've kind of had to support him between contracts. C'est marriage, surely? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Whatever you do, don't sell your car. It's your independence.

But of course, if this means you have a lower earning job, then you can’t afford highlights or lunches. All the while he’s saving for his extra lightweight carbon bicycle (he likes to cycle, doesn’t he? If he’s not a cyclist now, I say give it 18 mths).

This.

Well I was in reverse I went back to work at 3 months and dh stayed home we each had £100 a month money to do what we wanted the rest was bills clothes food ect and savings out of the 100 that covered odd treat ect i wouldn't be happy with dh spending say 150 a month on getting hair done as I see it as wasteful when we were down to 1 income

All money is family money , why anyone in this day and age would get pregnant before they’d sorted out the shared finances is absolutely beyond me .

We didn’t have a joint account until we had a baby but it’s necessary as maternity money for me fell down massively towards the end of leave.

My DH earns a lot more than I do so we now have my account that I have my wages going into and my small bills going out of and joint account that DH wages go into and is used to pay all bills. I have access to this account and sometimes use for family spends like shopping when my money is running low.

Bit if a shame your DH hasn’t bought it up but he should be expecting to pool resources from now on.

You need the same amount of spends, he doesn’t get more then you