Do husbands support wives financially during maternity leave?

[DogsAndGin]

Hi everyone,

Pregnant with our first baby and starting to think about saving up and preparing for mat leave.

Currently, DH earns more than I do, and we spend the same proportion of our income on bills etc, and then the rest is ours to do with what we wish.

However, when I go onto mat leave, I will be getting about £800 a month on average across 12 months. If I am very careful, this will just about cover my direct debits and responsibilities, and will leave me with absolutely nothing at all for any spending money, birthdays and Xmas, trips out etc.

This will be too tight, so, looking at my options:

• I can’t save anything in advance (every spare penny is going on home renovations).
• I don’t have a job where I can get any overtime or bonuses.
• I could sell my car (would probably get £2000, plus save on insurance, tax, mot, fuel).

DH’s income will remain largely the same throughout baby’s first year, as he’ll only take two weeks paternity leave.

So, my very naive questions! -

For those of you in the same situation, (married/cohabiting and both full time employed) - is there a way families tend to make this inequality in loss of earnings fairer?

Do husbands tend to support their wives financially during mat leave?

Neither of us want to put baby into nursery during their first year, and I don’t think that would be cost effective anyway.

DH refuses to take more than 2 weeks paternity leave, so we can’t split the leave (and loss of earnings) that way. Both he and I want for me to stay with the baby for the first year.

No. She said her mat pay will barely cover her share of the bills and if she asked him for help, he wouldn't mind helping with bills or baby stuff but he will be unhappy paying for her personal things and treats.

So, in his mind, he should continue paying his half of the bills and baby stuff and keep his spending money for all his treats and luxuries . She should keep paying her half of the bills but have nothing left for her own spending because he doesn't want to pay for that.

His financial state remains pretty similar to before the baby. Her financial state turns into paycheck to paycheck with everything going on bills. And he wont be happy if she asks for money for extras for herself.

It is not fair for her to be struggling and have nothing left for herself whilst his situation remains the same as before. It is a joint child. The financial impact needs to hit them both. She deserves to have momey of her own to spend. He needs to feel some of the financial changes, not just her.

This type of question seriously worries me !

I can’t believe you’re even asking this question. What’s his is mine and what’s mine is his. We are one team working towards a common goal.

Oof. This could be me and my DP. 4 years on from having our son and I still haven't forgiven him for letting me down financially when I was on mat leave. He's a bit better now but still not equal. It's done lasting damage to our relationship. Tell your husband he has to do a year of paternity leave and live on his own income for that time if he won't support you and see how he likes it.

All costs for the child should be shared by both parents, and during the first weeks/year (if Mum stays home), it is almost certain that Dad will be paying more than half (or his percentage). Mum will be doing most of the care taking and homemaking, since she will be at home full-time. That is her contribution, in the main part.

Or he might find it easier to understand in real yes you are providing childcare for a year. If you don't do it and he refuses to then you would have to use a nursery. If you're in London likely monthly cost c.£1400. Therefore if you provide all the childcare he owes you for his half. Add £700 a month to your £800 and life will be much more equal and enjoyable :) Good luck

I didn’t support my wife through either of her periods of maternity leave, mainly because she continued to get full pay.

I can’t agree that this makes me a financially abusive twat.

@SlightlyGeordieJohn not many women get full pay through their maternity. However, did you share costs for the baby eg clothes, toys, equipment or did that come from your wife’s pay?

The problem is that in practice if the OP's refuses to pay that, she cannot make him.

70% joint account, 30% my account.

You make this sound like a business contract with percentages and all. You are married and should be operating as one which means your household income is your household income.

I will never question my wife for spending money to make herself feel good because she is on maternity leave even if I am the only one bringing in money. Sound ridiculous to me.

She has access and equal right to spend money within agreed limits eg spending above a certain amount need to be agreed by both of us irrespective of who earns the most or least.

You both need to discuss how you want to manager your financial relationship going toward but as you can see this is one of the issues with trying to keep my money as mine and you keep yours as yours. You’re not working together to build a financial future, you’re building independent financial futures with one party better off than the other.

You really need to get this conversation right as being on maternity leave for many women is often a big step towards financial inequality that is very hard to come
back from. Starting out as a lower earner, then financially disadvantaged during mat leave, returning part time, nursery fees etc.

Ideally your income would be considered joint. Agreeing upfront the principles you stick to when spending. Why should you not be allowed to use joint money to have lunch with NCT friends? Unless you both abstain from these types of activity it would be very unfair in my view to say you can’t do these things. But maybe you’d agree you can afford lunch out once a week rather than every day. There certainly shouldn’t be a situation where one person has no financial freedom and the other is unaffected.

It is a bit different in our house because I’m the higher earner, even though I’m part time. I earn double what DH does. So I saved up for my maternity leave and carried on contributing financially as I normally would have done.

So he thinks it’s fair that you live in relative poverty becasue he’s decided it’s your role to give up your job and care for your baby? If so, I’d clarify nanny fees he will pay you or you are going back to work.
personally if he’s not the carer and not the provider he’s just the sperm donor. How can you live with him dropping cash on random shit he wants to while you can’t afford a haircut because he has decreed you shall be the unpaid 24/7 nanny? If he really thinks that I’d move to my parents until he is willing to be fair.
when you go back he must do half the drop off, pick up, getting them up and dressed, cooking dinner etc so you get to concentrate on work and have time at home that’s not drudgery. Babies have two parents.

Yes my husband makes the money
I do the kids

Its family money

I hope your husband feels the same way.

You're married but still have seperate money? My husband and I share literally all our money and it doesn't even matter who gets paid more, we pool the whole lot, pay what needs paying, saving a chunk, and make sure we get the same amount of spending money each for the month.

Your set up is really weird and unusual if your money is totally seperate and it's horribly disrespectful of your husband that you even feel you might not be financially supported during maternity leave? It's his baby too!

I really think you two need to re-evaluate your finances. It’s completely unfair that you still expected to pay the same amount for bills etc. when you earn less - this will definitely leave you at a financial disadvantage.
For an example, my husband and I earn different wages, so we each take a 1/3 of our wages and put it into a joint account which covers bills etc. (I’d really recommend you doing the same, as technically you’re actually paying more of your wage towards bills than your partner as your wage is lower which just isn’t right). We then also have another account which we put in 1/3 in which covers money for family things. The remaining 1/3 is our own to do as we want with

I am sure you can have a sensible chat about such things.
I would be worried about going in all guns blazing and also want to be sure that you are not frivolous with constant manicures and lowlights and gin nights

A lot changes financially with a baby anyway- you do need to reset your family

he does have to step uo though
Would he want you to feel stressed about money ? Do you think you could both cut down on frivolities .

One way to balance it if you guys like it all on paper and percentages is if he cuts down his spending to pay for
childs saving account
plus for all the childs costs ( including a third of everything for their share of bills and mortgage) - this is only fair as you're the one carrying the baby for 9 months and sacrificing your income for a year at least.. but I would worry that he then sees all childcare as your responsibility and not do night feeds. I would make it clear that you do 12 hours, Mon-Friday- and share the rest of the duties
As he pays more, he willl have less to throw around and you will be paying a lot lesss ( a third and not half) so you will have a bit more

It is insanity to sell the car - esp with a baby

I am very worried that you are even thinking like this

Good luck

All of our income, no matter where from, goes in to one account. Then all bills come out of there. We spend whatever we want from the remainder and if it's an expensive purchase we run it by the other to check if it's ok.

I would be very wary of a man who does not expect his finances to have to change when he becomes a Dad. What else will he not expect to change? Ie time spent on hobbies/leisure time, split of housework/life admin etc. Having a baby involves a big change in your life and this applies to him as well as you. I'm sorry to say that if he doesn't change his expectations and thinks his life will carry on the same whilst yours adjusts then you are in for a very tough time.

I didn’t support my wife through either of her periods of maternity leave, mainly because she continued to get full pay.

The vast majority of women don't get full pay. The Op made it clear that she's not getting full pay and her salary will be reduced.

Surely you would have supported your wife in those circumstances?

Of course I would, but the post to which I was replying referred to everyone, not only the OP’s situation.

I don’t even have any words to answer this. I’m completely flummoxed.

There is so much wrong with these suggestions and I just cannot be bothered to go through it.

But OP, you've had loads and loads of suggestions which are easy to implement and financially fair on you both so just follow the other advice.

Short answer: yes - they should. You are both in this together so you need to share expenses.
My husband covered some ofbmy expenses (and was happy to) while my mat leave pay was being processed...they were mostly baby related expenses tho.
We have a joint account for bills, mortgage etc that covers most things. Any personal expenses come out of our own accounts.
My situation was a little different though. I don't have that many personal expenses as I work full-time from home (thanks covid!) so when my mat leave payments came through they JUST covered everything.
Do you have any savings?
When it came to luxuries, I used what I had saved. With covid and all the lockdowns, I didn't have to use much!

it is not ok for a woman to use her savings during maternity leave while her husband continues to be able to live off his salary or even continue to save.