Toddler ruined something of mine

[Sleepyquest]

I am absolutely furious that my toddler has ruined an expensive item of mine whilst I breastfed her sibling. Is there any point telling her off? Do I just have to accept that all my stuff will be destroyed? Shall I just sell everything worth any value and live in an empty house? I am very frustrated 😢 and can't help my feelings but also don't want to feel negative about it. Advice please xx

It’s not about letting them get away with it. It’s about recognising that between the time of playing with the lipstick and the time of discovery of that, it’s often too late to reprimand in a way that makes sense to a 2.5yo who doesn’t realise they’re doing something bad. In the OP’s scenario how would her DD associate “playing with mummy’s lipstick and decorating her jumper” with “being told off and sent to her room”?

If I leave my makeup bag within reach of DD, that’s on me. I can’t hit the roof about it while at the same time allowing her freedom of expression with other things, like rummaging in my drawers and trying on clothes. Instead I have to keep the precious stuff out of harm’s way and explain which things are a free for all and which things have to be asked for and which things are never to be touched. And then repeat that over and over again because toddler brains are a wild non-linear mishmash with zero impulse control.

Just trying to help…..and she’s already spoken to her gp FYI 😊

You had no idea because you don’t understand anything about child development. That’s okay, you know better now...

I’m not some kind of permissive, ‘children rule the roost’ parent, btw. But toddlers learn about the world from what they see others doing and then, trying to do it too - ‘mummy puts this on her mouth, I’m going to do it too’ or ‘when our faces are messy we wipe them with a cloth’. They have no concept that mummy is allowed to put lipstick on but children aren’t, nor that one type of cloth or fabric is for wiping faces and others aren’t. They don’t understand things like expensive vs. cheap or some things being only for grown ups until they are taught. They don’t need to be told off when they first experiment, they need things explained. And you can do that without treating them like a much older child who already knows better.

(Above comment in response to flippydip)

Great post @stuntbubbles & also thank you - you saved me from making a VERY terse respond to the PP who believes in learning-by-punishment.

And @NiqueNique

I don't let me children in my bedroom without strict supervision. Even now and they're all school age 😂

Make one room 'safe' eg the living room. Don't have anything precious, dangerous or breakable in there or within reach. Gate on the door if necessary.
Breastfeed the baby in there while the toddler plays. You can even nap on the sofa if you need to!

You’d have sent a 2.5 year old who doesn’t understand why they no longer have mummy’s attention because she’s breastfeeding the baby to their room? Did your DS understand the difference between a lip balm that this toddler is apparently allowed to play with and an expensive lipstick that they’re not? Get a grip.

@Sleepyquest I just wanted to say I totally get it because I used to feel the same witn my two kids. I had two within two years and mentally it takes a lot out of you. Especially if you're BF. You pretty much give your kids everything and lose all sense of self and your own identity. You are last on the bottom of the heap all of the time and small little things like this happening just seem to reinforce that all the time.

Definitely agree with locking your good stuff away. I kept all my make up well out of my kids reach.

It will get better. I will still always put my kids before me with everything, to my detriment. But they also know to respect my stuff now too.

You can probably get it out of the sweater. Will take time though. Blott off as much as you can with kitchen paper, then blott off with cotton wool with a tiny bit of surgical spirit.

Oh Op , my three year old spread my lipstick all over my carpet ( replaced on insurance) that was 25 years ago and he’s now left home. He was the most clumsy child and adult, has ruined my kitchen floor, broken many things. I miss him to bits since he’s moved out 🤷‍♀️ These days will pass , just put everything you love out the way. She’s copying you !

I always said when mine were very small, we needed a deep shelf that ran all the way around the top of the room. Not too high we couldn't reach it but high enough that they couldn't. Never got round to it, but the principle is the same. everything out of reach.

Oh bless you op. Ignoring all the arguing on the thread, my oldest is 23 this year and I still remember when she was 2. We had very little money and id bought myself a quite pricey makeup palette. She broke it all up all over my bed when we weren’t looking. I was so upset.

they really don’t understand but it’s still upsetting when your nice thing gets ruined.

At 2.5 she is old enough to know what's hers and what belongs to Mummy, so yes, you could have told her off. Too late now though.

I think at 2.5 you can gently explain to her what she's done wrong and she needs to be careful with mummy's things. Then kept them out of reach!

She probably won't understand or remember but it doesn't harm to talk to her about it.

But even now I have to ask my 5 year old not to touch my make up and she has her own make up she can play with. She just about remembers but you can see if it's a struggle for her.

Sorry OP but I think that you have an odd attitude towards your toddler and may need to speak to someone about this before it becomes a problem. If you feel that way often.

It wasn't a priceless heirloom that you thought was out of reach, or a wilful destruction on purpose by a somewhat older child, so your initial distress seemed a bit much and then what you said once you'd calmed down was a bit peculiar. Your feelings are valid, I'm not saying they aren't, but I do think they need unpacking.

It could have been much worse too - an unsupervised toddler could have been badly hurt.

To a degree, you child-proof your house.

Stuff is away/out of reach.

I fed downstairs and that's where the other children would play therefore my stuff was not available.

Think strategically

Christ some of these comments! You don’t sound like you need mental help OP, TOU sound like a perfectly normal mother irritated that some of your nice things have been ruined.

totally normal to feel that way, please ignore the awful comments on here

Sounds like she deliberately hid to do something naughty. My DD did similar at that age and I did indeed tell her off and put her in her cot for a time out. Why? She understood she was breaking my things and hid in order to do it. That's not ok.

Could you see if a dry cleaners could save your jumper? I remember DS, now 22, taking a sharpie to the floorboards, wicker settee cushions and wallpaper. He was outraged that I was less than pleased. Managed to get most of it off but the cushions and wallpaper were ruined. Just go round and put EVERYTHING out of reach or locked away. You are doing fine. X

Did you read OP’s update?

Op- I used to give mine a snack and or stick the tv on for our toddler when I was feeding my youngest.

mine once deliberately waited until I was sat feeding before running into the kitchen, climbing on the counter & pulling down the (thankfully cool) iron we thought we’d put out of his reach 🤦‍♀️

i gave up on having nice things/a nice house. I just put everything away/on high shelves for a couple of years.

A lipstick had fallen on the floor, she proceeded to put it all over her face and then wiped it all over my expensive sweater

Are you serious? Just put things out of reach.

At 2 and a half?
Fucking hell.

You are allowed your own, nice things, and you are allowed to be internally irritated/sad when they get ruined. You don't have to sacrifice everything to your children..

But.. yeah, you're going to need to put the nice stuff away for a bit - and I warn you, my two (12 and 9!), if they're tired still rub their faces on me, like little cats - I have been known to yelp and hold them away if they've got dinner/chocolate smeared all over them! But they can't help it - they associate feeling happy and safe with being snuggled up to me.