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Toddler ruined something of mine

197 replies

Sleepyquest · 30/05/2022 16:00

I am absolutely furious that my toddler has ruined an expensive item of mine whilst I breastfed her sibling. Is there any point telling her off? Do I just have to accept that all my stuff will be destroyed? Shall I just sell everything worth any value and live in an empty house? I am very frustrated 😢 and can't help my feelings but also don't want to feel negative about it. Advice please xx

OP posts:
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PAFMO · 30/05/2022 17:29

pistachi0nuts · 30/05/2022 16:57

Jeeeesus the poor lady is allowed to feel annoyed that her toddler wrecked a jumper!! Toddlers are annoying!! Let alone a toddler and a newborn. Sounds like you just needed a little vent. Don’t take any of the stupid comments about your mental health to heart, youre doing a fab job. People on here love to tear a woman down, it makes them feel good. They think that mothers should be martyrs who cannot complain about a single element of motherhood or say a single bad word about their children. It’s not normal or healthy.

That's literally been said by nobody on this thread.
AS is useful btw.
Talk to someone OP. Flowers

Nocutenamesleft · 30/05/2022 17:30

Sleepyquest · 30/05/2022 16:25

Thanks all. Think I just reacted quickly and badly. She is 2.5 and it wasn't on purpose but I've told her not to wipe her face on things. A lipstick had fallen on the floor, she proceeded to put it all over her face and then wiped it all over my expensive sweater. Definitely replaceable but I always feel like she's marking her territory. Drinking my drinks and touching all my things. Normally I don't care, but this time I do.

I couldn't see her because I was on the bed and she was crouched behind the next to me crib. I appreciate those saying to have her next to me but she doesn't sit still so easier said than done.

Will stop buying anything expensive and keep make up in a locked drawer. How does anyone manage to keep a nice house with small children!? Or should I just expect to not until they are much, much older?

My daughter did a picture with 3 of my £40 lipsticks!!! She used all of them so the picture is worth £120!

I still say it’s the most expensive picture she
ever did.

oh. Made me remember that!

Nocutenamesleft · 30/05/2022 17:32

Sleepyquest · 30/05/2022 16:25

Thanks all. Think I just reacted quickly and badly. She is 2.5 and it wasn't on purpose but I've told her not to wipe her face on things. A lipstick had fallen on the floor, she proceeded to put it all over her face and then wiped it all over my expensive sweater. Definitely replaceable but I always feel like she's marking her territory. Drinking my drinks and touching all my things. Normally I don't care, but this time I do.

I couldn't see her because I was on the bed and she was crouched behind the next to me crib. I appreciate those saying to have her next to me but she doesn't sit still so easier said than done.

Will stop buying anything expensive and keep make up in a locked drawer. How does anyone manage to keep a nice house with small children!? Or should I just expect to not until they are much, much older?

And no

I gave up thinking I will have a nice house till my kids move out!

Thats probably just me because I can’t be arsed. But hey ho!

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Nocutenamesleft · 30/05/2022 17:34

HandScreen · 30/05/2022 16:28

She is not marking her territory, and that is a really strange comment. I think you should seek help for your mental health.

Mental health?!?

what?!?

Viviennemary · 30/05/2022 17:35

Sounds to me like she might be attention seeking becase of the new baby. She probably doesnt even realise this but it could be the case.

KettrickenSmiled · 30/05/2022 17:36

Definitely replaceable but I always feel like she's marking her territory. Drinking my drinks and touching all my things. Normally I don't care, but this time I do.

This is breathtakingly unfair.
Your little girl is 30 months old, she has no concept of territory-marking.
It's worrying that you are viewing her as a competitor for your things/territory.
Are you ok in yourself? Do you think you are a bit overwhelmed right now? Do you need some help, somebody neutral to talk to like the HV, or a counsellor?

Nocutenamesleft · 30/05/2022 17:36

HandScreen · 30/05/2022 16:28

She is not marking her territory, and that is a really strange comment. I think you should seek help for your mental health.

Oh wait!

I got it. Sorry I read that totally incorrect. Ignore me.

Nocutenamesleft · 30/05/2022 17:37

HandScreen · 30/05/2022 16:28

She is not marking her territory, and that is a really strange comment. I think you should seek help for your mental health.

For some reason I read that as the child needing help with their mental health.

I think I need to leave Mumsnet alone today. Or I need better glasses.

Muminabun · 30/05/2022 17:42

I feel your pain op. My pristine house just has hand marks on everything. I could cry at the state of the bifold door windows. Running around with a pen on the bloody furniture, smearing make up. I find it infuriating. I don’t really like having a kid friendly house I would rather have all my lovely pottery out again. However my parents let us trash the house when we were kids and I am grateful for that. I did so much messy play. So I just suck it up and Pearl clutch/ primal scream while my kids Espress themselves 😂

Littlebird43 · 30/05/2022 17:43

I feel your frustration. Our house and furniture has taken a hammering from two normal and not particularly destructive children. All our carefully collected midcentury furniture scratched and water marked, wooden floor pitted with lego dents, plants broken in garden, sofa stained etc... I am just trying to let it go and get on with life.

Littlebird43 · 30/05/2022 17:43

I feel your frustration. Our house and furniture has taken a hammering from two normal and not particularly destructive children. All our carefully collected midcentury furniture scratched and water marked, wooden floor pitted with lego dents, plants broken in garden, sofa stained etc... I am just trying to let it go and get on with life.

Ponderingwindow · 30/05/2022 17:43

That is just normal toddler behavior. They sensory seek. You can’t give them free access to anything that they could use to make a mess. Everything needs to be locked up or out of reach.

Isonthecase · 30/05/2022 17:50

Most people don't have a nice house with toddlers, they have one when they move out. Personally I have a room they're not allowed in where I indulge my need to have light carpets, delicate things, and anything non wipe clean.

BestDove · 30/05/2022 17:52

YABU to blame a toddler for damage. The blame sits with you sadly. It’s a lesson we’ve all learnt one time or another. Mine was when my toddler sat on a bath slip mat over the shower drain whilst I bf my baby… caused big flood from the over flowing shower into the kitchen below. Cost over £1k to fix!! My own stupid fault

MissChanandlerBong80 · 30/05/2022 17:55

It’s so incredibly frustrating and upsetting when stuff like this happens. But it is toddler life. She’s absolutely normal. She certainly won’t understand a telling off unless it’s immediate.

With my toddler (who is the same age) I find it helpful to take a step back and remind myself of how limited his understanding of the world is. He doesn’t understand about earning money and exchanging it for goods and services, so he doesn’t get that something is expensive. He doesn’t understand about items being fragile and breakable or about clothes being stained. He’s only just developing a vague understanding of ownership and property - ie that some things belong to him and some things don’t. And it’s my job to teach him those things at the developmentally appropriate point. Reminding myself of that just helps me manage my own annoyance if that makes sense.

Can you get the staining out with a good stain remover?

gamerchick · 30/05/2022 17:56

Toddler days is how we learn how stuff feels and tastes. There's a thing, where we can look at a load of stuff we wouldn't lick as adults but we know exactly how that things taste without licking it. We learned that shit licking things as tots.

Sensory seeking is what they do.

Dinotour · 30/05/2022 17:56

Ah I learnt the hard way about leaving anything they could make a mess with! It's worth making sure make up etc is popped away and any precious clothes I make sure are in the wardrobe. It does get a bit annoying having to make sure somewhere is clear or stuff that could be ruined but they do learn when a bit older.

KettrickenSmiled · 30/05/2022 17:56

I asked if it was worth telling her off because would she understand? The answer is no it seems.
You can't expect a 2 year old to understand the concept of ownership.
The world is simply full of bright, fascinating things, & a toddler's instinct is to touch & explore everything.
They don't really 'get' "yours" vs: "mine".

The best you can do is tackle it in the moment each time. Just a gentle - "no, that's mummy's darling, I'm going to put it away safe now" & a distraction is all you need. It will sink in over time - you can't expect her to understand a rule about "mummy's stuff" & "my stuff" yet.

When I say marking her territory I mean she literally has to touch everything that is not hers. I appreciate this is just toddlers
It is, & I appreciate you were having a frustrated moment.
It's ok to feel really pissed off about a 'ruined thing' - so long as you don't show that to the toddler - AND to realise that with inquisitive small people, shit happens.

I have also realised through this thread that it is my own fault as I have been known to let her play with lip balm which is essentially the same thing ( although colourless)
Again - even if you hadn't allowed the lip balm play, she'd be attracted to the lipstick anyway. Because it is something she sees mummy use, & she loves mummy & wants to copy her & be like her.
For her, that's not about "mummy's lipstick, mustn't touch". She's still too small to fully comprehend what ownership of possessions mean.

I have a rule with dogs about food.

Dogs steal food. Some can be trained out of it, some are less interested than others - but in the main, a dog will be opportunistic around unguarded food.
So the rule in my house is - GUARD YOUR FOOD.
If you walked off & left a sandwich - expect to lose it.
If you left something tempting on the countertop, don't bitch about it when it's gone in 3 seconds.
Because FROM THE DOG's PERSPECTIVE, he is not a thief.
He is simply acting exactly like a dog.
To him - YOU stopped owning that food as soon as you stopped actively resource guarding it.
To him, you are a fool who gave him an opportunity. Or a human who no longer wanted her food.
You can shout at him about it (don't try this round my gaff, you'll be out on your non-resource-guarding arse), but you'll only confuse & scare him. You plainly no longer wanted that food, or you would not have declared open season on your plate by leaving it unguarded.
It's a very HUMAN thing to want dogs to behave like humans, while failing to understand that yeah, you can train them that nicking food gets them a bad response form humans - but they still won't change their mindset around what constitutes ownership. Because they are not humans - they are dogs.

Does this longwinded analogy help you at all OP?
DD is too little to understand ownership, so YOUR responsibility is to resource guard until she does. And that will take it's own good time - don't force it, just focus on prevention rather than cure for a while.

SunshineCake · 30/05/2022 17:58

Obviously you don't need to sell everything and live in an empty house. I get you are upset but this is not your toddlers fault.

As for marking her territory. No. She wants mummy's things, she wants to be like mummy. She loves you Sad.

surreygirl1987 · 30/05/2022 18:04

She's 2.5!!! I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and if I got 'furious' every time they broke or ruined something I'd be a wreck! I just keep expensive stuff well away from them. Relax a bit and just let it go. I know others have said this already, but I do find your reaction disproportionate.

mellongoose · 30/05/2022 18:07

She's not marking her territory. She's trying to be just like you. Confused

Flippydip · 30/05/2022 18:08

I'd have hit the roof!! I don't blame you for being annoyed. DS would have been told off and sent to his room if he did something like that at that age. I had no idea parents let their children get away with stuff like this until I read this thread.

Eeebleeb · 30/05/2022 18:13

It goes with the territory, but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to be upset!

Wouldn't tell her off but explain it upsets you when things you care about get spoiled just like she cares about her toys. She'll get it eventually.

I always feel like she's marking her territory. Drinking my drinks and touching all my things. Normally I don't care, but this time I do

There's no way to avoid it completely. They want to be a part of everything you do and everything they see lol. We had a run of so many things getting broken it did get frustrating so I understand but it's just how they are. You need to protect your stuff as energetically as you childproofed the house to keep her safe - and they'll still get at things you never think of. They have pretty much 100% of their brainpower to devote to wreaking havoc while we only have about 50% of bandwidth to prevent them lol.

Lazypuppy · 30/05/2022 18:14

I think it depends on the child, my DD has never destroyed anything of mine or in the house, she's never drawn on walls or anything like that. I don't even think she has broken any of her toys. But this is probably her personality and i'm quite atrict at home with looking after things

InChocolateWeTrust · 30/05/2022 18:15

Once they get over about 2.5, if there's any intention about it or they have deliberately done something they've been told repeatedly not to do, I don't get cross/blame, but I also don't hide my own emotions and let them see that I am sad about what has happened to my possession.