What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

[Sleepfailires]

18 month DS, tried to implement gentle sleep training. The problem is he refuses to sleep in his cot. He goes down OK but then wakes 2 hours later and refuses to go back in it.

Tried ‘gentle’ sleep training, me in the room with him stroking him and reassuring him.

He went absolutely berserk when I put him back down, screaming, thrashing around, I mean really hysterical screaming. Then after twenty minutes (and I was right by the cot) he vomited.

I am an absolute wreck, I am fat, my skin is grey, I am exhausted, broken, depressed, my relationship is suffering as we get no time together, we can’t think of having another child, my work is suffering. I don’t know what to do.

It's bloody hard, this parenting lark. Does he wake if you lift him? Wondering if you could get him to sleep with you then put him back into his cot. If he wakes up, same thing again.

It's probably not recommend but a friend used her t-shirt as a blanket so her LO could still smell her! Seemed to help a bit, from what she said.

Does he have a dummy? They can be very helpful is soothing fractious babies!

Mines horrific and it’s so isolating as even people with sleep problems don’t have the same problems. I’ve read about split nights and repeated wake ups and early wake ups but no one else has a child who goes down like a dream Dr Jekyll baby but then Mr Hyde’s spawn emerges two hours later.

Tomorrow he’ll be delightful and I’ll wonder how I could have felt like throwing him out of the window.

He does have a dummy yes.

He just wakes up the second you put him down in his cot.

I think he’s finally asleep, he’s taking up most of the bed but at least he isn’t thrashing around.

Its the absolute worst. Is there someone can take over your role for at least part of the night so you can sleep in another room?

"People saying …
oh yeah my five year old doesn’t sleep through and it’s FINE … to me that’s not fine"

Well it's obviously not ideal is it, trust me I'd rather not have this every night but hey - not much I can do, he can't help it.
Was offering some solidarity but never mind.

Problem is, if DH tries to help DS screams so no one sleeps.

at least it Dh sleeps he can get up with DS in the morning and I can snatch some zzz then. I know MN insists that both parents should take turns but I’d rather one exhausted parent than two as then non exhausted parent can take over the next day.

But it is having a profound impact on both of us in different ways … our relationship is struggling. I know I’m irritable and snappy, DH feels guilty he can’t help more.

Hi OP I just wanted to chime in and say this sounds horrendous - big hug. My dd has always been a crap sleeper but she's never wound herself up to puking. That sounds very stressful.

One tip I've found handy is having a mattress protector and a sheet on the bed and then another mattress protector and another sheet on top. So if pee/ vomit/ whatever happens it's just get them out of bed and whip one layer off and pop them right back in. Mine is 4 and prone to nose bleeds so I still do this.

Can your husband do a night so you get an uninterrupted sleep maybe at someone else's house so yr not disturbed? My mom has done this for me a few times when I've been at breaking point (dds dad lives far away...long story). It just helps you not feel quite so wretched and gets yr brain out of survival mode.

I think what one earlier poster said is right gentle sleep training is just winding him up. You might need to take a week off work and do less gentle training (maybe pick up put down??) to get him there. I will hold my hands up and say I haven't been there and had to do this, but, for a time when dd's sleep was awful I read all the posts on the sleep board. Alot of people say this it's a really hard method and the baby and you are upset but after a few days they get it and sleep. Then they get back they're sanity x

I’m not having a go at you, @ladydimitrescu , but doing this long term is having a terrible impact on both my physical and mental
health as well as affecting my work, my relationship and my friendships. That is 100% not a criticism of you. However, if it continues for the next three and a half years there is a good chance many of those things will have vanished.

In theory I could put him back now @Punkypinky but in practice doing so when he’s been sick feels awful.

And I think the only form of sleep training we can realistically do is CIO, but that may lead to further issues so I’m not sure.

I think we were typing at the same time just seen this about your husband. Glad he helps in the morning.

But he is fast asleep now and has even left me a tiny bit of room. And looks so fricking cute I feel terrible for getting cross with him.

Honestly, what’s ‘gentle’ for one baby/parent can just be torture for another. My son would also scream to the point of vomiting during any sleep training involving me being present whilst he was supposed to settle. He needed his own space to learn the skill of settling and resettling. If your baby puts himself to sleep unaided at the start of the night, you know he’s capable of self-settling. That’s a big win already.

There was a useful thread on controlled crying where many of us shared humane, attachment-friendly approaches - could be worth a read: www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/4542224-controlled-crying?

It doesn’t have to be this way. You all deserve better sleep! Wishing you the best of luck.

This I know is easy for me to say, but you'll get their half or fully asleep one way or another, just take it one day at a time and try different methods and tatics, and if all else fails, just do your best you can, as for your relationship issues, then remind your oh, that it took two to tango, and you need support with the baby 🚼.

Yes I get that. In your position I'm not sure I'd be able to put him back in and let him scream after a vomit drama.

hopefully it's a (short) phase and if you tag team with hubby and try and sleep where you can to survive you'll come out the other side. Maybe wait another 6 months before trying for the next baby? Sometimes life gets in the way. I say this as someone with only one child as I'm divorced xx

You'll have to get tough op.

DD was the same. She cried for twenty mins the first night, ten the second and then two mins the third. After that she slept through.

No way should your 18 month old have this much power.

You need to do it for his sake as much as yours. Not doing him any good waking up either.

@Supermercado
*
People dont let their kids do that cos they could fall down the stairs in their sleep is also not hygienic

Huh? She didn't mention the stairs here. She said the landing - my dd sleeps on the landing ALL the time (she gets put to bed every night and gets herself up and moves to the landing) and she's nowhere near the stairs.

OP, I had 2 devil babies who could not be put down or shushed or rocked to sleep. Yes, the minute you lower them into the cot, their eyes spring open and they start screaming.

Plan A: I co-slept with them. But that does not work for you.

So Plan B. Not only did they not sleep at night, they also could not go down quietly for naps. Same problem. In the day, I would take them out in the buggy for a walk and they would fall asleep for their naps that way. I used the same technique at night. Put them in the buggy and find the biggest room in your home that you could walk round and round.

That was our kitchen. It had a slate flooring so moving the buggy over it caused vibrations. It did not always work quickly <loud crying> but at some point, the baby would fall asleep and then another 10 minutes of pushing to ensure they were in deep sleep, because if the buggy stopped, their eyes would spring open again. The beauty of this is you don't ever have to lower them into a cot or move them at all once they have gone into deep sleep. Then we'd leave them to sleep in the buggy in the kitchen until they next started crying and pushed them around again to get them back down. For this, your dh and you can take turns.

I knew from their personalities sleep training would be a disaster. So we tried other things. I was a zombie and only just functional. I found that once dd got herself in a huge crying state, it was difficult to calm her down. So we worked hard to keep her on an even keel by quickly switching into what (more often than not) works, rather than sleep training her.

PS those babies are now teenagers who sleep to noon and beyond if they could.

I think you should still try a sleep consultant. They'll hopefully look at everything during his day and nighttime routines to assess if it's just separation anxiety or something else bothering him.

I hired one for my then 7 month old as I was desperate and I ended up changing his feeding times, nap times, medicine for reflux, then we introduced the 5 min cry with 1 minute settle. We got there in the end and he sleeps beautifully now.

Good luck with it OP. Stay strong. X

Put his cot in your room. Put him to bed in his cot. Switch off light. You say he sleeps for a couple of hours. If he wakes up check his nappy. If it is not dirty leave him in cot. Crying will not hurt him. If he is sick clean him up quickly without talking to him and put him back in cot. After a week or so he will realise crying and screaming does not mean being picked up and fussed over. You need to sleep and so does your partner. The more fuss you make over him in middle of night the more he will expect it. My sister's baby was like this she was exhausted to the point we worried about her driving as so tired we thought she might fall asleep at wheel. She came on holiday with me for 2 weeks and by end of holiday her baby was sleeping on her own in cot. Just do not allow the will of an 18 month old be stronger than you or you will be in for a bumpy ride through terrible twos and beyond.

Op it’s not uncommon for kids to vomit when they first start learning to self settle. It doesn’t mean you are a rubbish parent or that it will not work.

I would make a commitment to try it again for 6 nights in a row. Now you know he might vomit you can prepare for that.

Or get a sleep consultant. Sone will do it by email rather than come to you which is cheaper but also provides that support that you need.
but no matter what you do the first few nights will be a hard slog. 💐

Being honest here, whatever I try is not going to work. We can see from the responses on the thread - some ‘he’s got to learn, let him cry/vomit’ and others - ‘well he just wants to be with you, have you considered co sleeping’ that there are opposing views with this.

I was actually following the HVs advice when he was sick. So I’m not sure a sleep consultant would say anything different. I mean, that was supposedly gentle sleep training but it wasn’t, it was horrendous. I can’t do that again.

Hopefully he will just settle with me and won’t keep kicking …

Op. I get you. I mean, I really get you. My son never slept. He slept for 20 minutes (only with me there) then woke up. Over and over. All night. Every night. Never slept one time in his lovely crib/cot. Tried cosleeping and ended up doing that but like you’ve found, it’s not really a solution for some babies. I was diagnosed with clinical sleep deprivation by a neurologist, all kinds of scary physical symptoms. My witching hour was 4 am every night. That’s when I would just feel I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t think I was going to get through it. My son would finally go to sleep at 7am until 10:30 am. That’s it. No naps. I don’t understand how he even survived. He is 17 now and he still doesn’t need much sleep and comes alive after midnight despite my efforts his whole life. He can spring up and go about his day.

However, looking back, I realized I screwed up. I was big believer in “gentle” sleep training. I never let him “cry it out.” I thought that was barbaric and cruel. I basically trained him to not sleep well even though that was not my intention.

If I could go back, I would adhere to strict sleep schedule, put him in his crib at a certain time each night with same routine, and LEAVE HIM THERE. There is a reason why babies are trained to learn how to fall asleep quickly and by themselves in their own room and crib. It is for everyone’s benefit, INCLUDING the baby’s. Just consider it. He cried until he vomited because he knew you would eventually come. Because you always do. Stop doing it, retrain. Train him that he must fall asleep without you and stay asleep. With you in spirit 💐

But the thing is @AnAfternoonWalk he can self settle … but not overnight.

I do wish I’d done a lot of things differently with regard to his sleep but it is done now.

I don’t think sleep training is barbaric or cruel, I just don’t think that for us it will work.

People saying …
oh yeah my five year old doesn’t sleep through and it’s FINE … to me that’s not fine

Honestly that sounds like my idea of HELL. Sorry OP I have no advice as my DD is 12 months and loves her cot to the point where if I try and put her in my bed. She wants to go back to her cot. You definitely aren’t a shite parent. All babies are different