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Original poster

What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

519 replies

Sleepfailires · 29/05/2022 00:58

18 month DS, tried to implement gentle sleep training. The problem is he refuses to sleep in his cot. He goes down OK but then wakes 2 hours later and refuses to go back in it.

Tried ‘gentle’ sleep training, me in the room with him stroking him and reassuring him.

He went absolutely berserk when I put him back down, screaming, thrashing around, I mean really hysterical screaming. Then after twenty minutes (and I was right by the cot) he vomited.

I am an absolute wreck, I am fat, my skin is grey, I am exhausted, broken, depressed, my relationship is suffering as we get no time together, we can’t think of having another child, my work is suffering. I don’t know what to do.

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LuckySantangelo35 · 29/05/2022 17:59

@youngwildandni and @redundantmum

obviously I know that the sleep deprivation is not happening from malicious intent.

however - It doesn’t matter whether it’s intentional from the baby or not, the effect that it’s having on the mother is the same, and it’s not acceptable. She can’t go on as things are as it’s putting her mental and physical health at risk. Therefore baby will just have to cope with being in their own room or with a pillow in between him and his mother. He is safe and warm and comfy and will soon get used to it.

ChaosMoon · 29/05/2022 18:02

OP this is so hard and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I could have written your post when DD was 18 months. I used this sleep consultant - www.careitout.com/

You'll also find her on Instagram and she has a podcast. All under the name Care It Out.
She had an incredibly gentle approach that is nothing like the gradual retreat approach you've described. It's hard to explain but it's still worth investigating.

youngwildandni · 29/05/2022 18:29

@LuckySantangelo35

I'm not, nor have I, suggested that the mum should continue to suffer. You're talking like the only possible way to get the baby to sleep is to let it cry uncontrollably and I'm saying that there are other options. You seem oddly fixated on that.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Babies & sleep Children's sleep Families General parenting
LuckySantangelo35 · 29/05/2022 18:46

youngwildandni · 29/05/2022 18:29

@LuckySantangelo35

I'm not, nor have I, suggested that the mum should continue to suffer. You're talking like the only possible way to get the baby to sleep is to let it cry uncontrollably and I'm saying that there are other options. You seem oddly fixated on that.

@youngwildandni

i see what you mean.
but if none of those options work that you mention then controlled crying might have to be tried.

redundantmum · 29/05/2022 18:46

If the baby is crying and so upset to the extent he is sick then that doesn't sound very "safe and comfy" to me! There are much gentler approaches to this that are kinder to the baby and to a Mum who cares about her child's well-being.

redundantmum · 29/05/2022 18:55

I'm not suggesting she doesn't keep trying..just that there are gentler ways. Baby's matter too and they will respond better to having their needs met than to having to experience feeling abandoned as in cry it out. I'd suggest meeting her child's needs benefits Mum's mental health too.

lameasahorse · 29/05/2022 18:56

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LuckySantangelo35 · 29/05/2022 19:09

redundantmum · 29/05/2022 18:55

I'm not suggesting she doesn't keep trying..just that there are gentler ways. Baby's matter too and they will respond better to having their needs met than to having to experience feeling abandoned as in cry it out. I'd suggest meeting her child's needs benefits Mum's mental health too.

@redundantmum

well evidently not, because at the moment it’s been all about the baby’s needs/wants/preferences (because as other posters are saying, this child is 18 months and this level of night waking is typically expected from a child this age, they don’t need to wake to feed etc) and look where the mum is now - exhausted, low in mood, concerned about her weight. There’s nothing about the situation that is meeting mums needs is there

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/05/2022 19:10

redundantmum · 29/05/2022 18:46

If the baby is crying and so upset to the extent he is sick then that doesn't sound very "safe and comfy" to me! There are much gentler approaches to this that are kinder to the baby and to a Mum who cares about her child's well-being.

@redundantmum

some babies only have to cry a little bit and they vom. Or maybe he would have vommed anyway and it had nothing to do with the crying

Original poster
Sleepfailires · 29/05/2022 19:25

Thanks. We are letting the side down on his cot tonight, have given calpol and he had a massive roast chicken dinner, so hopefully one of those things will work.

Also only one hour nap today and he had a bad night last night. As did I!

OP posts:
Punkypinky · 29/05/2022 19:32

Got my fingers crossed for you OP wishing you a long peaceful sleep ❤️

redundantmum · 29/05/2022 19:47

Once you become a parent your baby's needs are surely more important. Like I already said, there are gentler ways to improve the situation.

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/05/2022 19:50

redundantmum · 29/05/2022 19:47

Once you become a parent your baby's needs are surely more important. Like I already said, there are gentler ways to improve the situation.

@redundantmum

Baby wanting to sleep in bed with mum or not wanting to be in his cot is a want not a need. Op needing to sleep is a need. Baby doesn’t need to be awake and with Op to feed anymore.

so, Op trumps baby in this situation. It’s her beer v baby’s want essentially. She has to do what she has to do to get sleep. And if that’s some controlled crying so be it.

redundantmum · 29/05/2022 19:51

Whether they are sick from crying or because they're ill makes no difference - they need comfort.

redundantmum · 29/05/2022 19:56

I totally disagree that it's a want not a need and the solution doesn't need to be controlled crying either. There are many other gentler ways to try.

unfortunatelyno · 29/05/2022 20:01

redundantmum · 29/05/2022 19:56

I totally disagree that it's a want not a need and the solution doesn't need to be controlled crying either. There are many other gentler ways to try.

There are a whole range of ways to try, none that have been scientifically proven to be any better or worse for the child. The last thing that a parent at the end of their tether needs is smug judgement.

lameasahorse · 29/05/2022 20:04

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worriedaboutmoney2022 · 29/05/2022 20:05

@Sleepfailires

My dd used to love classic fm for babies cx to go to sleep to I'm sure you could download it - worth a try 🤞

OhMaria2 · 29/05/2022 20:09

Good luck. I had a tearful meltdown today over sleep. I'll think of you tonight!

Bookishnerd · 29/05/2022 20:13

Haven’t read the whole thread OP, sorry, but I just wanted to say

  1. here’s a handhold - I’ve been there and it’s tough. Before Christmas, I would’ve written this exact same post

  2. what helped us was a floor mattress on the cot beside the bed and some really decent willpower. I was at the end of my tether, shattered, feeling like I was failing at everything (though that hasnt quite gone away!). In the end, we didn’t do patting and shushing or singing in the middle of the night because it did sweet FA.

like you, he’d go down ok, then it would be about midnight and he’d scream blue murder. We’d pick him up, have a quick cuddle, then put him back down again. There was some resistance to this - he would immediately stand back up again. We just lay down next to him and pretended to go to sleep. Sometimes we did go to sleep! He was in the cot, my husband or I was on the mattress next to him. Eventually, after about 20 mins, he’d just go to sleep. We ended up sleeping on the mattress the rest of the night.

We did this for maybe three nights, then suddenly it solved itself. He slept all night.

it’s not perfect now - we have new challenges in very early mornings! But for about six or eight weeks, it was a delight.

so I suppose I’m saying, hang in there.

it sucks now but you’ll get through it.

and sorry if there was an important update that I missed in the longer thread. Doing this fast on my phone and couldn’t not reach out for a handhold

youngwildandni · 29/05/2022 20:28

@unfortunatelyno you're right - the last thing someone at the end of their tether needs is smug judgement. But I actually don't think @redundantmum has been smug - or judgey.

Another thing OP doesn't need is to be told, repeatedly by some people, that the only way she can get her baby to settle is to try controlled crying 🤷🏻‍♀️ or that she 'needs' to or 'should' try it. There's been a heavy insinuation that because what she's tried so far hasn't worked this is the only option left to her when this isn't true.

Bookishnerd · 29/05/2022 20:37

redundantmum · 29/05/2022 19:47

Once you become a parent your baby's needs are surely more important. Like I already said, there are gentler ways to improve the situation.

Mostly I agree, but I think there’s a risk of seeing OP’s problem through the lens of your own experience.

The best thing for OP’s baby is to have a mum with solid mental and physical health.

i don’t think you are wrong, but I don’t think you are right, either.

Surely we need more context about the support OP has before we can make judgment

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/05/2022 20:51

redundantmum · 29/05/2022 19:56

I totally disagree that it's a want not a need and the solution doesn't need to be controlled crying either. There are many other gentler ways to try.

@redundantmum

but it sounds like Op has tried them all and they haven’t worked, hence she’s so at the end of her tether

UnderTheMoonlightWeDanced · 29/05/2022 20:56

I am So shocked at the “suck it up” comment and some of these attitudes towards the OP.

I had a friend literally suicidal from sleep deprivation and the depression / psychosis this caused. In her desperate days I hope she didn’t turn to mumsnet to be told to suck it up and that’s she is emotionally damaging her baby if she let them cry.

i could say some much harsher words but alas I think it would be deleted

T0rt0ise · 29/05/2022 20:56

@Sleepfailires could your husband do CIO if you can't? I only ask because my husband couldn't have done it (he's a big softy, I'm a bit harder 😂) so I just got on and did it whilst he hid downstairs (he was onboard just would be too tempted to intervene if he was upstairs). I appreciate it's not for everyone but the gentle methods didn't work with our son (it just enraged him) and we found he was much better just left to get on with it (we have a video monitor so I could see exactly what he was doing and check he was safe).