Who do I choose? Screaming newborn or screaming toddler at bedtime?

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I have a 1 week old son and a 2 year old daughter. My partner goes to yoga at night so I’m in charge of bedtime for both. Have been having a go at it for the last two nights and I’m in tears each night because I’m failing.

My newborn is incredibly unsettled in the evenings which is completely normal. My toddler has been on a great schedule which I have worked so hard on.

Last night I gave up on putting her to bed because I didn’t want to let my newborn scream. Tonight I let the newborn fuss while I did the toddler and because I had to try and do her bedtime quickly, she is now screaming out for cuddles.

I can’t handle both screaming but clearly I need to pick one. I feel so horrible for letting the newborn fuss and cry, and for letting my newborn cry emotionally for cuddles.

Who do I prioritise? I honestly feel like such a failure.

Sorry what the fuck? You gave birth a week ago and your arsehole of a husband is out five nights a week? What?

What's the point of him? He is clearly completely and utterly useless.

Who do I prioritise? I honestly feel like such a failure.
You prioritise their father, by asking him why he is failing you & his 2 DC.

Yeah he does 5 times a week. He had a drinking problem years ago and this is supposed to be a way for him to avoid relapsing.
Great.
So, instead of letting his family down with a selfish booze addiction, he now lets you all down with a selfish yoga addiction.

Though, he still does drink a bit on weekends.
Double great.
So he's sold you a pack of lies about why he "needs" every evening off while you struggle.
Then he boozes at the weekend anyway?

He puts himself first all the way, doesn't he OP?
What does he say when you tell him how you are struggling, while he is out enjoying his hobby every week night?

Jesus, what a complete failure of a bloke you picked. He will have to parent his kids 50/50 when this marriage inevitably fails. Has he bothered to get a vasectomy, since he can’t cope with the kids he’s made?

As other posters have said, put the baby in a sling whilst you do bedtime with the toddler.

But first and foremost, hear this - you are not a failure - you are one week post partum and juggling the needs of a newborn and a toddler - and that is not easy. It does get easier as the baby grows and settles, and as you get more practised at dealing with them both - but right now, you are deep in the weeds, and doing your best - and that is all that anyone, including you, can expect of you!

If a sling doesn't work for you, I'd suggest putting the baby down very briefly whilst you get the toddler ready for bed - don't worry about a bath unless she's filthy - just a wipe with a damp flannel will do - then when she is ready for bed, you get the baby, and sit cuddling them both, and reading her a story, or listening to a story tape, if you find it hard to juggle two children and turning the pages of a book.

I would also say to your dh that YOUR mental health matters just as much as his, and therefore he needs to step up and help at bedtimes. At worst he needs to drop half his yoga sessions, so he is home to help with bedtime every other night, or he needs to drop them all, just for the moment.

Also, if the yoga is so vital for him, maybe he could do it at home for the moment - I haven't looked but I am 100% sure that there are hundreds and thousands of online classes/videos that he could follow for the moment.

My jaw dropped reading your response. OP I feel so sad for you. How dare he be such a selfish prick at the expense of you and your children's wellbeing? Fuck him!

On a practical note, with a tiny baby you have to be in survival mode a bit. Keep baby close to you all the time to limit screaming. Will they sit in a bouncer or rocker while you do a story with the older one? Or just in your arms? Routines are great but they might have to be a bit flexible at the moment, try to work out a new normal.

It's important the 2 year old gets attention and cuddles and love but it's also important they know that the baby is a precious part of the family who also need special care and attention. Can she 'help' with the baby as part of her bedtime? Gives cuddles to the baby during storytime as a special big sister?

Do whatever you need to in order survive, you can do this. Your children are lucky to have you and your love for them will help you muddle through this difficult bit.

Really consider your partner's role in your lives though - his behaviour is utterly appalling.

Sorry....unless he can bend himself in half and stand on his head, like fuck is he at yoga every single night.....

But yes, baby in the carrier, path of least resistance with the toddler, and make sure you get 2.5 child free hours 5 days a week!

Your husband needs to reduce the frequency of his yoga - that should be non-negotiable. Bedtimes are super tricky - I used to sit in toddler's bed to read stories with newborn feeding or in sling. then I used to sit next to toddlers bed in rocking chair, holding toddlers hand while he went off and rocking baby in my lap. It is super hard though I agree especially when baby has the evening screamies which both of mind did!

The problem is your husband he's selfish x

OP COME ON!

What about your mental health? What about the mental and physical health of your children? Is your partner really saying that his going to yoga for the next few weeks is more important than his two very young children screaming in distress? If he is saying that, then he is no kind of father at all.

At worst he needs to drop half his yoga sessions, so he is home to help with bedtime every other night, or he needs to drop them all, just for the moment.

Great post (as usual) @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius - but this selfish tosser doesn't need to "help" OP every other night.

He needs to take 100% responsibility for putting his own children to bed every other night.

He is unfuckingbelieveable.
Bet he's a "Mr Sensitive", too. (Lundy Bancroft)
callmeblake.tumblr.com/post/79553548223/abusive-types-mr-sensitive

DH and I both like yoga. If you can't get to class then you can do it at home with a youtube class. We find it is good to do it as the sun rises and everywhere is quiet, in the garden sometimes. OP, your DH does not need to go to the class in the evenings. Lots of yoga studios and our local sports centre do very early morning classes too. Could you try to get your new baby involved with your older child's bedtime routine. When our sons were little DS2 used to love being on his brothers bed to be around for the story - even when he was a few weeks old.

I am so sorry OP, you are not a failure, your selfish prick of a husband is a failure. How on Earth he can let you all struggle is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. And as gently as possible, are you sure he's going to yoga. 2.5hrs every single night sounds really suspect to me. 😕

*Sorry what the fuck? You gave birth a week ago and your arsehole of a husband is out five nights a week? What?

What's the point of him? He is clearly completely and utterly useless.*

This sums it up.

I did wonder if he's popping to The Yoga Arms...

He needs to stop with this yoga shit until you can do bedtime alone which will be for at least a year. He can do yoga anytime!

My ex did nothing to help with my DS but I only had one.

DH needs to step up, be a father and cancel his yoga for the next couple of months. You shouldn't have to struggle on your own with very young children who are having to get used to a big change while he's allowed to go and relax. He can have more "me time" once you've both got to grips with it and both children are more settled.

OMFG. I'm assuming he's on paternity leave? That's not a fucking holiday for him to swan off to fucking YOGA! It's to help you! You gave birth a week ago!? HOW are you not out of your mind with rage right now!? Oh my word, I wish I could yell at him for you. I certainly don't have a prize pig of a baby daddy but my God he would NEVER have even wanted to spend this amount of time out of the house during that first intense week, let alone actually do it!

You are superwoman to have managed it alone at all, even for two days.

I can't believe anyone would do this for fucking YOGA 🤦‍♀️

Can we have his number please? Just for a quick chat...?

So your husband spends two and a half hours every evening travelling to/from/doing yoga? That has got to be a joke because it's taking the piss big time!

He needs it for his sanity? What about yours, when do you get your time for you and your sanity? He's being a selfish twat, even if he went every other day it would give you some support. Does he ever see his kids?

This.
At this stage I would breastfeed the baby while reading toddler a bedtime story, then DH would have the baby in a sling while I got toddler dd to sleep. If he was away I would sit with my toddler until she was asleep while feeding the baby.
I can’t get over your DH going to yoga EVERY EVENING. Was he like this when your toddler was a newborn too ?

@KettrickenSmiled - you are absolutely right, and I worded my post badly. He needs to drop all or some of his yoga, so he can be at home to co-parent his children. And he can make do with doing his yoga at home.

He’s an utter prat. Your baby is 1 week old. Can you go somewhere eg your mums for support.

This can't be real? if it is, your hsband is a dickhead. Are all the yoga classes (five fucking nights a week 😱) at the same time? Can't he go to one closer? Can't he go for less sessions? Very strange set up.

The solution is obvious and simple. Your partner is around at all bedtimes and you divide and conquer with one of you having the baby and one the toddler. It’s hell trying to do bedtime on your own for two when they are this age. For some families this can’t be helped (eg one parent is a doctor on shift) but in your situation it can. Your partner is a completely selfish individual to not sacrifice here and you’re letting yourself be walked over letting him do this. Good luck.

This!

Try this, since DH won't step up.
Story from YouTube, sit on her bed.
Feed the hungry baby at the same time.
Give her one of her dolls to fuss with as well.