Who do I choose? Screaming newborn or screaming toddler at bedtime?

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I have a 1 week old son and a 2 year old daughter. My partner goes to yoga at night so I’m in charge of bedtime for both. Have been having a go at it for the last two nights and I’m in tears each night because I’m failing.

My newborn is incredibly unsettled in the evenings which is completely normal. My toddler has been on a great schedule which I have worked so hard on.

Last night I gave up on putting her to bed because I didn’t want to let my newborn scream. Tonight I let the newborn fuss while I did the toddler and because I had to try and do her bedtime quickly, she is now screaming out for cuddles.

I can’t handle both screaming but clearly I need to pick one. I feel so horrible for letting the newborn fuss and cry, and for letting my newborn cry emotionally for cuddles.

Who do I prioritise? I honestly feel like such a failure.

It really is absolute nonsense that your partner skives off to "yoga" every evening when you have only just given birth. Surely by now he's learned so much yoga that he can do it without a teacher there? Why does he have to travel 30 minutes? There are loads of venues around offering yoga.

The yoga isn't essential right now. I bet you'd bloody love to get out of the house for 2hrs over bed/bath time to maintain your sanity 😅
You're in the trenches and you need as much help as you can get from your partner these next few weeks. Can he not find a local class and go twice a week instead? Is not fair on you right now. Where is your time for sanity?
Have you got any family nearby that could come once or twice a week to hold the baby for an hr? Or I'd he has to go to yoga then your 'treat' is a mother's help a couple of times a week?
I will be in the same position as you later this year (2yo and newborn) and am wondering how on earth I'm going to cope 🙈

I'm coming back to this to say solo bedtime with a toddler and a newborn is really hard. I had to do it when DS2 was 3 weeks old, but that was because DH was away overnight for work.

I used to hold baby while reading to the toddler. It was tough but I managed on the once a week or so I had to do it. You are doing so well and I hope you are ok.

Agree the yoga has to go. But i strongly believe you should go to the screaming toddler every time. The toddler will remember, the baby won't. Talk to your toddler conspiratorially about how annoying the baby crying is and what they think you should do about it. Make them feel terribly grown up. My toddler used to sigh heavily and say something like "I suppose you'd better feed them" and I'd say "but I need to read your story, I wonder if I can do both, I'm so sorry about this it's very annoying isn't it?" They're best friends now.

Who do I prioritise? I honestly feel like such a failure.

Your useless "partner" is the failure. He should prioritise his children and wife over bloody yoga sessions.

I'm not sure there's much you can do, though. Sounds like he's a colossal bellend who wouldn't care even if you begged him to do the right thing.

he says he needs it as time for him, for sanity etc.

what a fucking joke! You are 1 week post birth and he thinks leaving you alone with a screaming baby and toddler is even slightly reasonable? What about your sanity? He can do yoga after the kids are in bed to a fucking YouTube video. Tosser .

He’s an utter prat. Your baby is 1 week old. Can you go somewhere eg your mums for support.

If the baby will sleep whilst in the car, I'd be very tempted to ask your Mum is she can have the toddler for a couple of hours and then follow your DH. Meet him there as a nice 'surprise'. It could be quite enlightening to see the 'yoga studio' that he's going to every evening.

Haven’t read the full thread but this is literally one of the most selfish and thoughtless examples of male behaviour I have heard in a long time. The fact you are not outraged by it is almost more worrying, because it suggests you are both accustomed to it and resigned to it. If you were my friend or daughter I would be helping you to advocate for yourself as this is definitely neither normal nor acceptable behaviour from your partner.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I'm assuming everyone has told you how ridiculously selfish this yoga malarkey is at this stage in your lives as parents.

The man is a waste of space. It actually boils my piss that you're being treated like this.

Who are these bloody men who have children and then want nothing to do with the bit where your life turns upside down?

Okay… time to get tough on partner and spell out in small words how self-indulgent his MH issue is when the newborn stage is so very short. Yoga can and should be easily rearranged around family time at this moment. His MH is a cop-out atm.

Also I really don’t want to be the one to say it, but I would worry that ‘yoga’ is a euphemism for seeing another woman / engaging in some other undesirable behaviour. It just doesnt ring true for me.

I like how no one wanted to criticize your partner until they were sure it was a man! Then the insults flew.

Have you talked to him to tell him this just isn't working for you and you can't do it. If he tends to get defensive, sometimes it is better to just say what you can't do - rather than what you want him to do and let him come up with solutions. If he needs it to maintain sobriety or won't engage in any other option then you need to find someone else you can come over and help out. Both kids are at very needy ages with lots of recent adjustment. Even if he needs it for sobriety, why does he need to go to such a long class and so far away. Do you think he is open to even discuss it and possibly do anything differently? Was there something else behind this - meaning you wanted a second child and he didn't? Does he get really overstimulated by the crying? Is he jsut really selfish and self-centered? Oblivious? You know him - what do you think is going on with him leaving you for hours every evening at this really difficult stage? What happens when you try to talk to him about it?

So he fucks off 5 nights a week for the yoga that keeps his drink in problem in check and still “drinks a bit” on weekends. Taking you for a right mug at the same time. Don’t ask him, TELL him he needs to do his bit for the next while, do yoga online and stop being a selfish arse.

This is absolutely nuts

There is absolutely no way you should be struggling with a newborn and a toddler while your partner swans off every evening. He can get his me time when the DC are in bed. If he is really that useless, is there another family member you can stay with who might help you?

OP I know this struggle. We had to adapt bed time to be more flexible. Some night I have them both in my bed, we read books and have one cuddling one side and the other one the other side whilst I read books. I then BF one to sleep and gently stroke the other one till they fall asleep then transfer them to their own beds

This x100

My DH is an alcoholic who doesn't drink at all any more and he is home for bedtimes on the nights he's not working. Because he isn't a selfish twat.

@Midlifemusings that's bollocks - a woman who did this would be absolutely slaughtered and be called abusive.

He takes toddler to yoga. Seriously he's a selfish arse

Baby in a sling when you have to do both but fundamentally your DH needs to step the fuck up and do bedtimes with your toddler for the foreseeable future.

When my DH was in the throes of his deepest alcoholism I had similar aged children, and he still did the fucking bedtimes (he generally wasn't pissed then, probably the only time of day his blood had hardly any alcohol in it).

Your husband is being utterly unreasonable.

Gosh, I'd like to do yoga mon-fri and kick back with a couple of drinks at the weekend. However, i think that lifestyle is called not being a parent, and that ship has sailed.

Are you a single parent?