Who do I choose? Screaming newborn or screaming toddler at bedtime?

[disappearie]

I have a 1 week old son and a 2 year old daughter. My partner goes to yoga at night so I’m in charge of bedtime for both. Have been having a go at it for the last two nights and I’m in tears each night because I’m failing.

My newborn is incredibly unsettled in the evenings which is completely normal. My toddler has been on a great schedule which I have worked so hard on.

Last night I gave up on putting her to bed because I didn’t want to let my newborn scream. Tonight I let the newborn fuss while I did the toddler and because I had to try and do her bedtime quickly, she is now screaming out for cuddles.

I can’t handle both screaming but clearly I need to pick one. I feel so horrible for letting the newborn fuss and cry, and for letting my newborn cry emotionally for cuddles.

Who do I prioritise? I honestly feel like such a failure.

Your DH is a phenomenal twat.

Couldn’t put it better. This is absolutely unacceptable. You need to re adjust his expectations of parenting, otherwise he is going to continue to see it as all your problem while he carries on doing whatever suits him.

Try leaving him with both of them at bedtime for two hours for a few days in a row - see if he gets it then.

DH worked two evenings a week when mine were this age. I would just wait until he got back at 9pm - I was on mat leave so no nursery etc to get up for the next day, and mine would sleep late the next day to compensate (I know not everyone's will). When DD was a little older, I would feed her to sleep and then put DS down. However, DS would not be put down til 6 months plus at any time so it depends on the baby.

However, I do think your husband is outrageous and so selfish. One night a week maybe (although still not at this age!), but in the first two weeks?!

he says he needs it as time for him, for sanity etc

Your partner is being a selfish dick. Evenings are literally the most stressful time of the day with a toddler and a newborn. He needs his 'time for him' to be at some other point. Going out for over two hours every evening is totally unacceptable.

Did your DP actually want another baby? I am all for couples having their own 'free time' but this is an absolute joke ... are you saying he goes to yoga (plus the travelling time?) every single night? What an absolute waste of space ... why do you accept this?

Err, you don't need to choose, your partner needs to stop going to yoga at that time of day.

I have five. It’s counter intuitive but what works best I think is the eldest goes to bed first. Bath your eldest, put her in PJs and into bed with a book/bedtime toys while you bath the baby. Then baby is snug and clean in your arms while you read to the older one and say goodnight. Take baby downstairs and feed her then put her to bed. Then go back in to your older child’s bedroom and give them a last kiss if they haven’t fallen asleep yet. Then clean bathroom and cast yourself on your bed and await whatever wonder your husband is bringing to say thank you for facilitating his yoga.

top tip, draw all the curtains and turn off all but a few lights and remove all screens before you start bathing.

Your husband is taking the piss

I genuinely cannot believe that you or any new mother would be ok about partner pissing off for 2.5 hours every evening! Now my husband is a climber and used to disappear most Sundays but he was home in the evenings…having said that my lot were done and dusted by 630 pm .
I used to encourage my toddler to hold baby on her bed for story time.
Seriously it’s one thing to have a job that gets you home late but really not acceptable because he ‘needs’ his down time !

Your DH is taking the piss.

Am I reading right and your DH does yoga every single night??

If so you're asking the wrong question - that is totally unacceptable, I've never heard of a dad of a newborn doing something that takes the piss as much as this. Absolutely no way is this ok. He needs to stop or you need to get rid of him, what an absolute twat.

Baby in sling, (or feeding if you are bf), one armed cuddles with toddler, while they turn the pages of the book as you read to them.
But honestly, your partner needs to knock some of the nightly yoga on the head. They can't duck out of 2 hours worth of witching hours for the sake of their sanity every night. I'd say twice a week tops. The other nights they can use a home video after the kids are asleep.

Seconding the phenomenal twat comment.

Could you imagine what he would say if you left him with a newborn and a 2yo every night for yoga or even the cinema because you needed "me time". Unbelievable.

Your partner should not be buggering off to yoga every night, leaving you to struggle like this!

The selfishness is staggering.

Yeah, you have a partner problem. He's going to have to help. Either you leave the newborn with him and put the toddler to bed or he does the toddler's bedtime. One week post partum and very little support isn't great for your mental health or marriage. Oh and I hope you're getting some time to yourself too xx

If my husband left me for two and half hours every night with a newborn and a toddler to go to yoga I’d be having a serious think whether he valued me as an equal or just his nanny.

Why can’t he do an online yoga class in your room once the children have gone to bed if it is necessary for him to do?

You need help from your partner. Tell him, you need him for the next 6 weeks. No more yoga for now. If he says no, he's being incredibly selfish and you know it. After each newborn, my husband stopped playing football on Sundays, and drinking on Friday nights with his friends, for a few months. To help me because I needed it.

Suggest you take it in turns so every other night YOU leave the house for 2.5 hours .. see what happens and if your partner has a rationale for why this isn't fair.

Your partner is being appalling and monumentally selfish. He should not prioritise himself and his yoga over his 1 week old baby, toddler, and you. There is no 'me time' at this stage. There just isn't, especially not 2 hours at bed time. He has to stop.

Kept my newborn on the boob whilst bathing and bedding toddler. Or in a wrap. Or in a bouncer. Or just in the crook of my arm.

seriously though, that’s not your problem.

I can’t get my head around your DH doing a 90 minute yoga class every day?! That must cost a fair bit as well. He can go to the classes less often to start. Is he in paternity leave? What about your sanity? Yoga can easily be done from home in a sore half an hour, he doesn’t need to be heading out every night with your baby at that age.

This. Your husband is behaving in an absolutely appalling way. It is in no way acceptable for him to do this every evening. He is incredibly selfish.

there are other options for yoga. What is the appeal of this particular class? Have you ever attended with him?

he needs to parent his child.

Yeah he does 5 times a week. He had a drinking problem years ago and this is supposed to be a way for him to avoid relapsing.

Though, he still does drink a bit on weekends.

I would pick up the newborn and then go into the toddler and check she is safe - then explain to her that you hear her and will help her just as soon as you can, and that she will be OK to wait while you settle baby brother, maybe settle her with blankie and fave TV show in the meantime. Then get baby in sling feeding or whatever works, and things should all calm down.

The toddler has some concept of time, space, and the fact that when you leave the room, you still exist as a person who can come back.

The newborn has no real understanding of anything other - "I need help right now or I will die".

And yes, your DH needs to do online yoga at home for a while ...

My DH often had to work past bedtime, but did take 4 weeks paternity leave. After that I'd do all stories downstairs then put baby on playmat while I took toddler up to bed (baths were left for nights DH was here). If she really wouldn't settle she came too and I got quite good at cuddles without her getting squashed. After 6 months or so I started taking baby up first while toddler tidied up his toys. He wasn't great at it but it kept him busy.
Saying that no way would I have accepted DH being out every night for anything other than work, he kept non-work stuff to once or twice a month.