Who do I choose? Screaming newborn or screaming toddler at bedtime?

[disappearie]

I have a 1 week old son and a 2 year old daughter. My partner goes to yoga at night so I’m in charge of bedtime for both. Have been having a go at it for the last two nights and I’m in tears each night because I’m failing.

My newborn is incredibly unsettled in the evenings which is completely normal. My toddler has been on a great schedule which I have worked so hard on.

Last night I gave up on putting her to bed because I didn’t want to let my newborn scream. Tonight I let the newborn fuss while I did the toddler and because I had to try and do her bedtime quickly, she is now screaming out for cuddles.

I can’t handle both screaming but clearly I need to pick one. I feel so horrible for letting the newborn fuss and cry, and for letting my newborn cry emotionally for cuddles.

Who do I prioritise? I honestly feel like such a failure.

Hey OP. That might be the start of him rethinking, so don't give in now. You're doing great.

My parents actually live here. They moved out years ago. 😊

He's not doing that much of a re-think. Alcoholic who turned to yoga, has gone out to buy wine.
Really it's not good.

Op if your parents are out there go and say with your mum for a couple of weeks.

None of us really know what is going on in his head but some breathing space is required for your sanity.

Is your husband Aussie? If he is then this massively explains how much of a dickhead he is being 🙄

I lived in Melbourne for 7 years btw so I feel qualified to comment on the subject.

It is completely and utterly unreasonable to leave you alone 5 nights per week to put a toddler and newborn to bed so he can go to fucking YOGA. I mean honestly, who would even think that was reasonable!

Tell him he needs to give himself a major shake and reassess his priorities in life.

Sorry… more English than I 😞

Eh you're partner needs a yoga class that isn't at bedtime

Eh you're partner needs a yoga class that isn't at bedtime

I had to make it quite black and white for my DP. I will no longer tolerate X if you live with us. D was drinking but I guess you could replace with cocaine, cannabis, fuckwittery, whatever. I did offer lots and lots of emotional support with giving up the booze, because it was genuinely hard for him physically and emotionally, but it was an absolute line in the sand.

Sounds like your DP is making the lines in the sand, not you.

The issue here is your DP. He may feel he needs it, but you need his help more. In fact typing that you need his help makes me cross- it isn't your problem that needs help- it's parenting and should be shared. Could be cope if you popped out for 1hr? Anyway, sure he can return to yoga, but when the newborn is 4 months old

No.

The mum shouldn't have to juggle a 4m old and a toddler for bed either, so her partner can go out 5 nights a week for 2.5 hours.

Dinner to bed is all hands on deck, and if he can be around he should be, even when they are older.

He needs to find a more local yoga class, and one with more suitable timings, or give it up for a while.

Can you imagine the OP choosing to be out for bed 5 nights a week.

Why do some people set such a pathetically low bar for men?

I agree it wouldn't suddenly be acceptable for him to be out 5 nights a week on a hobby when the baby is four months. That is just not an option for parents, it needs to be a thing of the past.

Where do you live in Sydney that requires him to drive 30mins each way to a yoga class?! Even when I lived in a random outer suburb in Perth there was a yoga studio, 2 x 24/7 gyms, an F45 studio within 10 minute walk of my house - if he reeeeeeally needs something surely he can find something closer and only be out the house an hour, and could wait til after bedtime?

I'm sorry he's making you feel like you're responsible for his drinking. Is he a functioning alcoholic? Or does he miss loads of work/goes missing/becomes abusive? Or is it more the cost/always at a bar and never at home during his time off?
Either way, I know how difficult it can be to try and manage with a partner with an addiction... My partner is more the latter kind of addict most of the time, but obviously when it's got out of control the former behaviour comes out. It's a fucking nightmare when you've got kids. You'd think they'd prioritise them, as the vast majority of female parents seem to be able to do quite easily (without going to yoga every bloody day to cope!)

I don't even have any advice. I just wanted to offer you some sympathy as I know the feeling when you've put some boundaries in place about something, and then the addict behaviour ramps up in retaliation. It feels like you've always got a hammer waiting to drop on your head if you make a wrong move.

It's not something I plan on living with forever. What's your bottom line with it?

@disappearie Jokes about Aussies aside.

Current set up is unacceptable.

I had a newborn and 18 month old when we lived in Melbourne and it was bloody hard with no help.

DH took 4 weeks paternity (Australian gov pays 2 weeks pat leave at Centrelink amount and most companies pay 2 weeks as standard, some pay 4) and then he took annual leave on top so he was at home to help.

By the time he went back to work on shifts I had some semblance of a routine but in all honesty it remains difficult so you need all the help you can get.

Swanning off to yoga/football/gym/basically being anywhere other than work is unacceptable and he needs to be told this.

Also as @SomeFuckingWizardry says, you can't spit in Sydney without hitting a Gym or yoga studio so why the fuck is he driving all that way to go to a class, and then doing a 90 minute class!

@DidILetHerDown fair point. I didn't read he was going out 5 times a week! As a mum of a 5 month old, I would mind if DH went out now, albeit once a week, but could not have coped when baby was any younger!

Hopefully a couple of nights of toddler bedtime and a calmer chat in a couple of days he will realise you can't be doing it on your own.
Xxx

What does DH do for a job? Why does he need space?

I also don't believe he actually does that much yoga - he's either just driving somewhere quiet to get out of helping, going to a bar or seeing someone else.

How long until he's back on the booze and he's blaming OP for his 'falling off the wagon'?

I'm sorry OP but I doubt he's even going to yoga, if he genuinely is then he's delusional. And selfish. Has he explained why he hadn't taken any actual paternity leave? And why he's comfortable leaving you one week PP while he fucks off 5.nights a week?

Ask him again to give up the yoga for a few weeks.....when he says no.....show him this thread...16 pages of comments about him being a prize knob....

You're sure that hes not saying "Yoga" but meaning "pub"?

How are you getting on, OP? Hoping baby's settled and DP has got his arse in gear!

Hey there, well thanks, we managed to strike a balance. He is going to earlier sessions on weekends and not doing the bedtime sessions during the week. I can usually manage mornings well enough as baby is not as windy in the morning and the toddler is not so demonic 😈

they’re very early sessions but if he really wants to go those are the times I can manage.

👏👏👏
Thats very good news! Is he also managing his alcohol well too?