Who do I choose? Screaming newborn or screaming toddler at bedtime?

[disappearie]

I have a 1 week old son and a 2 year old daughter. My partner goes to yoga at night so I’m in charge of bedtime for both. Have been having a go at it for the last two nights and I’m in tears each night because I’m failing.

My newborn is incredibly unsettled in the evenings which is completely normal. My toddler has been on a great schedule which I have worked so hard on.

Last night I gave up on putting her to bed because I didn’t want to let my newborn scream. Tonight I let the newborn fuss while I did the toddler and because I had to try and do her bedtime quickly, she is now screaming out for cuddles.

I can’t handle both screaming but clearly I need to pick one. I feel so horrible for letting the newborn fuss and cry, and for letting my newborn cry emotionally for cuddles.

Who do I prioritise? I honestly feel like such a failure.

What am I reading!!! Your baby is one week old and your partner is going to yoga five nights a week?! What a phenomenal TURD.

And FWIW, my DP had a drinking problem too. He’s now teetotal, doesn’t “drink a bit on weekends”, and manages to be dry without any yoga at all. A great distraction from relapsing would be your DH doing bedtime for the toddler five nights a week. He can sun salutation all he likes after that, from the sitting room.

I’m furious on your behalf.

Surely there are shorter yoga classes that are closer to where you live!?
Are you sure he is really at a yoga class?

OP, I do agree that the best solution is for your DH to do an online or self-led yoga session after the kids are asleep.

If he won't accept that compromise, even just for the first crazy months, with a brand new baby at home, then he is incredibly selfish.

However, if that's just what we're working with, then I'd do the following:

• while toddler is having dinner, feed the baby then put in a stretchy wrap and rock him/bounce on a yoga ball/etc until he's asleep.
• then do your toddler's bedtime as "normally" as possible while wearing sleeping baby on your chest (I could go from standing to lying down while wearing mine).
• if the system breaks down and baby wakes up, then as a last resort take them both into your bed and cuddle one on each side and co-sleep until yoga dad is home and can take toddler back to her bed.

Wish you best of luck! Remember that you trying your best is always good enough.

Quite. The twat is an alcoholic.

This !

Yes - exactly this. What an awful situation to be in. Do you have other support?

Ditch the selfish twat would be my advice

Newborn in stretchy sling. Put toddler to bed then deal with baby.

I hate to say this, I'm sorry if I'm overstepping- but are you sure he's at yoga?

He is not a good person or partner so let you suffer like this EVERY night only a WEEK after giving birth. Yoga can be done anytime during the day, and at home! He's using this as a get out of helping card!

Lots of solutions

• dh doesn’t go to yoga or a few months


• dh does yoga online once children are in bed - he must have done that during the lockdown and cope with it right?


• DH does the bedtime routine with BOTH children when he is not at yoga (I’m sure he’ll be able to wait a bit more before drinking if he isn’t an alcoholic anymore….). See if he can then tell you with a straight face that it’s ok for you to do it on your own all the time. And at least it will give a break two evenings a week


• go away and stay at a relative that could actually help you rather than selfishly put his needs before the ones of his dcs.


• Use a sling for the baby whilst you put the toddler to bed (not my recommended solution)


• have some some very harsh discussion with him about his attitude to being a parent and whether it’s actually worth it for you to stay with him with such a low input form him.

Now as a guess, he was like this with his first and never made much effort to actually parent unless it was at the right time/right way for him (as in it couldn’t possibly have an impact on what he considers HIS time. As if such a thing exists when you have a newborn).

he says he needs it as time for him, for sanity etc.

Does he think it's only fair, as you get the relaxing treat of bedtime for two tiny screaming children every single night - as well as spending all day doing your hobby of looking after them with their endless demands?

He's not even doing the 'sanity' bit for 40% of the time that he's leaving you on the front line - he's happily travelling, every evening, longer than many people commute for their jobs.

Also, dedicating all of that time to yoga (and travelling to/from yoga) is very selfish, however 'sane' it makes him feel; but are you absolutely sure that it is yoga (and only yoga) classes that he's going to? I obviously don't know him, but if he were the type to find it pleasant and 'helping his sanity' to have another woman on the go - especially one who wasn't too exhausted for regular sex having only just given birth and looking after two little children all day - two and a half hours every evening would probably be a very convenient timeframe for him to arrange this.

Partner needs to stop being a baby and pull his finger out and help out. Where’s your time for your sanity? Probably non existent. If he’s that bothered about yoga he can do it at home after the kids are in bed in the interim until youngest is a bit older and able to join in the bedtime routine.

So- out for 2.5 hours every night during the week, and still,pissed every weekend?......

I'm not going to comment on the yoga which seems bizarre in the circumstances to say the least, but I was in a similar situation because my DH often worked evenings (and was therefore around and v involved in the day). I used to bath both together, feed baby (while sitting watching calming DVD with toddler), change nappy and tuck tightly into rock-a- tot (seemed happier there than laid flat initially) then go and settle two-year-old with usual routine (milk, teeth, story, song). Baby would grizzle a bit - if still grizzling after toddler was settled I would go back to him and pick him up, but very quickly he would invariably fall asleep so I would then transfer him to his bed. To this day (now 19 and 21!!) DS is a much better sleeper than DD who I could never bring myself to leave to settle herself at that age. The short answer is I prioritised keeping the toddler in routine on the grounds that the baby knew no different.

I've been on MN for years now and this may be the most stunning post I've read here. My jaw genuinely dropped when I saw just how long he spends away at yoga every night while you're at home with a brand new baby and a toddler.

I don't even have words for how staggeringly selfish and cunty that is. What an absolute arsehole.

fuck the yoga, jesus wept. we both need time but definitely do not take it during bed time!! It's the hardest bit!

Your husband is a monumental bell-end. He has a newborn baby and is out every night for 2.5 hours???? and then boozing at the weekends? What a prince among men.

Aside from ditching the waste of space, try a sling and adjusting bedtime around whenever baby seems to be most settled even if that isn't the 'usual' time.

But really you have a husband problem

sorry I dam not buying this 5 days yoga BS. Even the most religious yoga guru can't commit to this much of exercise. Are you sure he is going to "yoga"???

Your partner is the most selfish cock nostril of all time and a monumentally twatty partner.

please put your foot down and make him do a bedtime to show you how manageable it is for one person, the dick head.

Or her of course, sorry.

I'd also wonder if he is actually going to yoga at all.

MolliciousIntent
Your DH is a phenomenal twat. Seriously. He needs to step the fuck up or get the fuck out.

^This

Is your DH usually helpful and supportive outside of this?

Its really really not ok for him to do this. He can still do yoga for his mental health, just not for 2.5 hours each day and at the most stressful time of the day. And I say this as someone who’s DH worked ridiculous hours - even he understood and made time to support me at bedtime.

Im sorry if reading comments about your husband is getting you down, I realise there may not be a lot you can do right now about that. So with the baby and toddler - you need to adjust bedtime routine to include newborn, in a sling or with you, it will take some time to adapt but you will get there. And in time you can then take out a few mins 121 with your toddler again. Good luck.

Also @WoolyMammoth55 has great practical advice. Just follow that - that’s what I did for all the times my DH was away.

You can do it Op. first few weeks are tough and you will feel emotional x