Page 5 | Can I move our children away?

CrazyCatLady00 · 2022-05-09T16:06:12+00:00

My kids dad keeps threatening court action as I’m moving our DC 2.5hrs away. He says he can stop me? im moving to be near family so I will have that support and be able to give our DC a better life. I’ve always said that I’d never stop him seeing them but he is saying that I will break his bond with the DC, even though I’ve said he can have them all school holidays. He works over 24/7 so weekends are not always an option.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 10/05/2022 20:17

Poor children. Hopefully their father will put a stop to the move.

sunshineandshowers40 · 10/05/2022 20:37

I think people are being a little harsh on you OP @ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave. I can see why you want to move. I would probably have a good chat with your DC and see what they really think. Mine wouldn't want to leave their friends at that age and have to start again.

It sounds like your ex is an ok dad but he doesn't really support you that much with the kids. It's a shame your support is so far away. I'm assuming you met in the city/town you live in now and not your hometown?

Tinyleopard · 10/05/2022 20:40

ChocolateHippo · 10/05/2022 20:14

But he's not really paying her to stay. He's paying to make her life acceptable so she doesn't feel that her only option is to move away.

She's not his unpaid nanny. She doesn't need to facilitate his career. Nor does he get to dictate where she lives. Life has to work for them both, and it doesn't sound like it's working for the OP at the moment.

No, she's not an unpaid nanny. She's a parent. Presumably he was a pilot or at least training to be when she decided to have children with him. She knew he wouldn't be primary parent. That's not a good enough excuse to remove someone's children or ask them to pay you to stay.
He doesn't get to dictate where she lives but he could very well dictate where his children live via court.

Would you accept only seeing your children in the school holidays or being blackmailed for cash? No? Why is that?

FairFuming · 10/05/2022 20:48

Hey I'm a single Mum too and I'd absolutely do the move if need be. It sounds like he see the kids now when it suits him not really when it suits them and certainly not when it suits you.
He could give you more help so you can work but he refuses to. Was he always quite controlling?
You and your needs are important too. Luckily I live close to my family as they are the only support I have. The ex is completely unreliable and only sees the kids when it suits him.
Even if yours saw him one weekend a month as well as some of each holiday (don't give him all of every holiday, you need time with them too) that would be doable. We used to travel 3 hours each way every fortnight to see my ex step kids, its very doable with lots of phone calls and video chats in between visits.
Your children especially the one who you are a carer for will really benefit from having a happier, healthier mother.

Tinyleopard · 10/05/2022 20:50

FairFuming · 10/05/2022 20:48

Hey I'm a single Mum too and I'd absolutely do the move if need be. It sounds like he see the kids now when it suits him not really when it suits them and certainly not when it suits you.
He could give you more help so you can work but he refuses to. Was he always quite controlling?
You and your needs are important too. Luckily I live close to my family as they are the only support I have. The ex is completely unreliable and only sees the kids when it suits him.
Even if yours saw him one weekend a month as well as some of each holiday (don't give him all of every holiday, you need time with them too) that would be doable. We used to travel 3 hours each way every fortnight to see my ex step kids, its very doable with lots of phone calls and video chats in between visits.
Your children especially the one who you are a carer for will really benefit from having a happier, healthier mother.

I think you're projecting a bit there.

I'm sure that maintenance on a pilots salary isn't half bad, him working less or getting a different job to be more hands on probably isn't very appealing either, I'm sure.

ChocolateHippo · 10/05/2022 22:02

Presumably he was a pilot or at least training to be when she decided to have children with him. She knew he wouldn't be primary parent. That's not a good enough excuse to remove someone's children or ask them to pay you to stay.

They split up. They're not a unit anymore. He's not paying for her, only his children. Therefore, she doesn't have to facilitate his career any more. Perhaps the OP wants something more in life for her (and her children) than she can have as an unpaid carer without support for her DC. She has a right to try to make the best life possible for her and her children.

If he wants the children to stay close to him, he can always go to court and argue to be primary carer, can't he? He may have to change careers though (or pay for childcare, as the OP would have to do if she decided that she wanted to work away for long periods of time).

The payoff of facilitating someone's career is normally that they provide economically for the family. That deal breaks down when the relationship ends and the parties involved become economically independent.

ChocolateHippo · 10/05/2022 22:05

He's not dictating where she lives. She can go wherever in the world she likes.

She does not get to make a unilateral decision to move the children

This depends on him being willing to be primary carer though. Otherwise he really has zero leverage.

AskingforaBaskin · 10/05/2022 22:10

ChocolateHippo · 10/05/2022 22:05

He's not dictating where she lives. She can go wherever in the world she likes.

She does not get to make a unilateral decision to move the children

This depends on him being willing to be primary carer though. Otherwise he really has zero leverage.

No it doesn't. He can get a PSO to stop the children moving.

OP can absolutly drop the kids off to him then and leave and tell him she's done.

But there is no leverage here. The vourts can hault the children moving.

ChocolateHippo · 10/05/2022 22:34

Ultimately a PSO only stops the children moving, not the OP. If the OP makes it clear to him that she's moving whatever happens, then he has a choice... let her move or prepare to become the primary parent. If he doesn't want to be the main parent, then there's nothing he can do. The PSO can't force the OP to maintain a home near her ex.

Tinyleopard · 10/05/2022 22:57

ChocolateHippo · 10/05/2022 22:02

Presumably he was a pilot or at least training to be when she decided to have children with him. She knew he wouldn't be primary parent. That's not a good enough excuse to remove someone's children or ask them to pay you to stay.

They split up. They're not a unit anymore. He's not paying for her, only his children. Therefore, she doesn't have to facilitate his career any more. Perhaps the OP wants something more in life for her (and her children) than she can have as an unpaid carer without support for her DC. She has a right to try to make the best life possible for her and her children.

If he wants the children to stay close to him, he can always go to court and argue to be primary carer, can't he? He may have to change careers though (or pay for childcare, as the OP would have to do if she decided that she wanted to work away for long periods of time).

The payoff of facilitating someone's career is normally that they provide economically for the family. That deal breaks down when the relationship ends and the parties involved become economically independent.

He still will be providing financially. A pilot will pay a damn site more maintenance than someone who works a 9-5 office job. Would op prefer less money and more time, I wonder?

MichelleScarn · 10/05/2022 23:01

Happy mum = happy kids

So whatever you want, kids have to come along? Nice. Absolutely putting yourself first before your kids

Original poster

CrazyCatLady00 · 11/05/2022 06:39

@MichelleScarn on this occasion, yes! Because I am doing the move to make a better life for me and my kids!

OP posts:

Whinge · 11/05/2022 06:55

CrazyCatLady00 · 11/05/2022 06:39

@MichelleScarn on this occasion, yes! Because I am doing the move to make a better life for me and my kids!

You say a better life for your children. In what way would their lives be better?

Original poster

CrazyCatLady00 · 11/05/2022 06:56

I didn’t expect all this abuse to be honest. Making me feel like a really shit mum because I am moving my children away to make a better life for us. When I was with my ex he hardly ever bothered with our children, they used to get in the way, however since we split, he’s suddenly become super dad and constantly putting me down as a bad mum. He’s already taken me to court because he wanted a court order to say we would share xmas and birthdays, the judge threw it out because I’ve never denied him access. He tells me when he is seeing the kids, and it’s usually when it suits him. So I can’t make plans as he tells me.
He pays me minimum maintenance and not a penny more, so doesn’t contribute towards uniform, shoes, school trips. I can’t go out to work as whatever I make will be paid straight out in childcare. He always dangles the maintenance string and tells me I’m very lucky he’s paying for his kids and could quite easily stop working and not pay. I’ve told him several times he can stick his money up his ass as he’s not manipulating me like that.

i honestly don’t care if people call me selfish. Everyone’s situation and circumstances are different. I know I am doing this for the right reasons and would never stop him seeing his children. It’s only 2.5hrs, not another country!

OP posts:

Sunflower987 · 11/05/2022 07:00

You aren't a shit Mum, in your situation it's understandable, you are doing all the legwork when it comes to bringing the children up with added responsibilities of being a carer, he has the options of providing more maintenance and contributing to the care of the children, he isn't doing so.

If you need support go and get it.

Original poster

CrazyCatLady00 · 11/05/2022 07:01

I’m not going to bother replying anymore as I don’t need to justify my actions.

OP posts:

clpsmum · 11/05/2022 07:01

MolliciousIntent · 09/05/2022 20:01

@CrazyCatLady00 she basically said the exact same thing as you - that she wanted more support so she moved back to her family. She didn't care that it meant we'd only get to see our dad 6 times a year (at the most), she only cared that it made her life less difficult.

Your kids see their dad once or twice a week. You want them to go from that to seeing him once every two or three months, so that you can have someone to pick them up for you. Can you seriously say that this is in your children's best interests? Because I can tell you, it's going to ruin their relationship with their dad. It's selfish.

It's not so she can have somebody pick them up though is it. She's said more than once she is a cater for her son meaning that he has several issues that she needs support with.

You sound selfish tbh expecting your mum to struggle her entire life. Your dad could've stepped up too

Oscarthedog · 11/05/2022 07:03

The courts will easily stop this. However this could then present a choice the op could choose to not be the primary parent and give the ex the chance to have the children and move (returning the children to their main carer's address) or simply stay. I would assume being a pilot the maintenance is big and he could afford a nanny if he became the main carer. So that would keep the kids close to their father whilst allowing him to work. And as we know happy dad = happy kids .

clpsmum · 11/05/2022 07:06

Op the courts won't necessarily stop you

lollipoprainbow · 11/05/2022 07:19

@ChocolateHippo you really have come up with some ridiculous statements ! 'Unpaid carer' 'waltzing off to work' 'feathering his nest'. Yes how selfish off him to have a good career. I hate how women can just bugger off with their kids on a whim and the men just have to lump it.

Original poster

CrazyCatLady00 · 11/05/2022 07:21

@Oscarthedog he wouldn’t want to be the primary parent.

OP posts:

clpsmum · 11/05/2022 07:28

lollipoprainbow · 11/05/2022 07:19

@ChocolateHippo you really have come up with some ridiculous statements ! 'Unpaid carer' 'waltzing off to work' 'feathering his nest'. Yes how selfish off him to have a good career. I hate how women can just bugger off with their kids on a whim and the men just have to lump it.

None of the phrases mentioned are ridiculous and she is not buggering off on a whim she is moving closer to her family so she has a support system and doesn't have to
Cope on her own.

Original poster

CrazyCatLady00 · 11/05/2022 07:33

@lollipoprainbow “I hate how women can just bugger off with their kids on a whim and the men just have to lump it”

Im moving to be near family for support and I told him about this a year ago.

OP posts:

ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 07:35

lollipoprainbow · 11/05/2022 07:19

@ChocolateHippo you really have come up with some ridiculous statements ! 'Unpaid carer' 'waltzing off to work' 'feathering his nest'. Yes how selfish off him to have a good career. I hate how women can just bugger off with their kids on a whim and the men just have to lump it.

I personally am completely fed up with the narrative that, even when relationships end, women must continue living their lives to facilitate their exes' lives and careers including providing unpaid childcare in a location convenient for their exes on tap.

Women are not service humans. They are independent, autonomous beings.

In requiring the OP to stick around in a place where she is unhappy and has no support just so she is on hand 24/7 to be a carer for their children while Mr Hotshot well-paid pilot is off earning his six figure salary, he is treating her like a service human. A lesser human. Not entitled to her own dreams and aspirations in life. Still there to facilitate him, regardless of how miserable it makes her.

Here's an idea. Why doesn't he move to be closer to HER family? She will have day-to-day support while he is away, he will still live close to his kids. Win-win.

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 07:38

ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 07:35

I personally am completely fed up with the narrative that, even when relationships end, women must continue living their lives to facilitate their exes' lives and careers including providing unpaid childcare in a location convenient for their exes on tap.

Women are not service humans. They are independent, autonomous beings.

In requiring the OP to stick around in a place where she is unhappy and has no support just so she is on hand 24/7 to be a carer for their children while Mr Hotshot well-paid pilot is off earning his six figure salary, he is treating her like a service human. A lesser human. Not entitled to her own dreams and aspirations in life. Still there to facilitate him, regardless of how miserable it makes her.

Here's an idea. Why doesn't he move to be closer to HER family? She will have day-to-day support while he is away, he will still live close to his kids. Win-win.

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Nobody thinks that, they think she shouldn't fuck over her children's relationship with their father, a relationship THEY are entitled to.

I hate the narrative of "you do you hun" when it fucks over the children. You seem to think that's okay, most people don't.

Can I move our children away?

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