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Original poster

Can I move our children away?

327 replies

CrazyCatLady00 · 09/05/2022 17:06

My kids dad keeps threatening court action as I’m moving our DC 2.5hrs away. He says he can stop me?

im moving to be near family so I will have that support and be able to give our DC a better life. I’ve always said that I’d never stop him seeing them but he is saying that I will break his bond with the DC, even though I’ve said he can have them all school holidays.

He works over 24/7 so weekends are not always an option.

OP posts:
Hellfire2 · 09/05/2022 21:35

I had planned to move to somewhere an 8 hour flight away specifically so my kids would have a better childhood

The Courts told me I could do that but I'd have to pay for flights for the kids to come back.

What you're planning on doing is just a mere drop compared to my move

spinachmonster · 09/05/2022 21:36

Difficult situation. But imagine it the other way around? Going from seeing your kids often, every 2/3/4 days to not for weeks at a time? Would you be ok with that?

We don't have anyone to help if kids are sick etc. Could you address this with some occasional outside help? Sounds like you want to move though? Tricky.

Soontobe60 · 09/05/2022 21:37

CrazyCatLady00 · 09/05/2022 19:47

@Sososobored unfortunately not as he is a pilot so will often go away for days at a time. So him changing his work hours is only possible if he comes out of that industry, which he won’t do.

@MolliciousIntent As mentioned above, their dad often works away. I have absolutely no support network where I am, so if me or the DC are ill etc, I have nobody to call upon or help me. So yeah, if that’s shit of me to wanting to move back to my home town so I have that support network then so be it. Happy mum = happy kids. Did you ever think to ask your mum why she moved away, or did you just judge her?

Presumably he was a pilot when you met him, chose to live so far from your own family and have children with him? Presumably your family have never been able to ‘help’ you to look after your children? You’re deciding that your children don’t need to have a relationship with their father. For your own convenience. Think about that for a while.

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Original poster
CrazyCatLady00 · 09/05/2022 21:44

@Hellfire2 oh wow, are you going ahead with your move?

@Soontobe60 why would they not have a relationship? They would see their dad every holidays and then occasional weekend he has off. There is also FaceTime, not the same I know, but it’s still contact.

OP posts:
Vi14 · 09/05/2022 21:55

Hi, I went through a similar situation last year. My daughter and I moved 2.5 hours away from where we lived, to the countryside. She was completely involved in all the planning etc. It's the best decision I ever made.
Unfortunately her dad wasn't involved as much as he should of been, which made things a lot easier. He sees her in the holidays. She actually spends more quality time with him now than she did before, when we all lived together.
My 7 year old now goes to a lovely small school (45 kids in the whole school), she goes dancing and is in a show soon. She is very happy and has lots of friends.
I also met someone new who treats my daughter as he does his own. My daughter is now getting a baby sister in the Autumn.
If you need anyone to chat to about your situation please PM me x

Fireflygal · 09/05/2022 21:57

@Vi14, Did your Ex object to the move?

Vi14 · 09/05/2022 22:01

@Fireflygal not really. He is a very selfish man. Has a lot of issue and put me through a lot.

Original poster
CrazyCatLady00 · 09/05/2022 22:08

@Vi14 aww that’s lovely and I’m so happy that it’s worked out for you both. Thank you and I will do x

OP posts:
rainbowandglitter · 09/05/2022 22:14

How old are your kids op?

rainbowandglitter · 09/05/2022 22:16

Are you moving to be with a partner?

Original poster
CrazyCatLady00 · 09/05/2022 22:18

@rainbowandglitter they're 11 and 13. No I’m not.

OP posts:
HappyAsASandboy · 10/05/2022 08:06

My mum loved us 3 hours away from our dad and grandparents when I was 7. We visited for a weekend each month for a year or so and then it dwindled to whenever anyone could be bothered to organise it.

I went from seeing my grandparents and dad at least once every week to nearly never. My mum told me he wasn't any support and never turned up on time etc etc. I believed her.

My relationship with my dad is no better than one of two acquaintances who are polite when we meet. I actually get on with him and his wife, but it seems too hard to repair things given we still live 3 hours apart, and there's so much baggage around the relationship. I want to know why he didn't try to stop her moving (she'd have done it anyway), why he didn't keep coming once a month to collect us (she made it as hard as possible, despite the fact it was him doing 6 hours round trip on the Friday and again on the Sunday), why he didn't involve us in his new life with his new wife and her kids (how could he? Poor bastard had to get on with his life, surely?).

I will never forgive my mum for the loss of my relationship with my dad. She put herself, and her hatred of my dad, first every step of the way.

Fireflygal · 10/05/2022 08:39

@CrazyCatLady00, At their ages a cafcass officer is likely to take on board their views.

I imagine moving needs to happen before oldest settles into GCSEs. You could apply for a "specific issues order" to allow you to change schools if you want the certainty. It might give you the clarity you need to move. You can do the process yourself to avoid the expense of solicitors/barristers.

Fyi, All parents with PR need to agree to a change of school.

Daqqe · 10/05/2022 12:39

11 & 13? The courts will listen to their opinions then.

OP, you’ve asked a question & you aren’t willing in anyway to listen to any advice being suggested here. This idea he will see them in the holidays - your teenage children are completely willing to go 2.5 hours away from home every single holiday to stay with Dad? Away from their friends, theirs social lives and events happening within friendship groups like parties, cinema trips, sleepovers etc? Get real. They will resent both of you significantly. And are you willing to sacrifice every holiday away from your children & spend no quality time with them?! Who gets Christmas? Who takes them on holiday?

Its a shit situation but I can see why Dad is angry. He can & probably will take you to court. You might not get stopped but you will probably have to pay for your kids to travel to see him.

Original poster
CrazyCatLady00 · 10/05/2022 14:37

@Daqqe with the greatest respect, I didn’t ask for advice in my post. I just wanted to know if he could stop me and I’ve had my answer. Unfortunately my children don’t have many friends here and I’ve chosen this time to move as it fits in better with schooling.

the area we are moving to is by the sea with a much quieter and chilled out lifestyle rather then here in the midlands. Maybe the DC will resent me later, or maybe they will love it up there and enjoy the quality time they have with dad when they see him. That is the risk I’m willing to take.

OP posts:
Vi14 · 10/05/2022 17:24

@CrazyCatLady00 how do your children feel about the move? x

Trafficjamlog · 10/05/2022 17:39

I can’t believe you are moving an 11 and 13 year old. I was under the impression they were babies or toddlers, it’s seriously beyond selfish. do you really think that once settled into their new life they’ll want to spend all their holidays with their dad? No, of course they won’t. He will lose hos relationship with them. They’re not babies. Presumably they’re at school so you have time for yourself during the day.

YRGAM · 10/05/2022 19:32

You are being outrageously selfish

HoraThird · 10/05/2022 19:56

I can't see how this is in the best interests of the children if they currently have a good relationship with dad and see him twice a week? Moving to seeing him just in the holidays- if he can get time off work and pilots often can't in peak season- will massively impact their relationship.

Plus once they get a bit older, they will not want to be away from friends and social things for long periods.

I think it's a terrible idea and will hugely impact your kids.

What 'support' are you missing at the moment? If you can identify that, people could make suggestions?

Does your ex not have them to stay over night or for the day so you can get a break or do a hobby? What about when they are at school? That's my rest time!

Tinyleopard · 10/05/2022 19:59

ChocolateHippo · 09/05/2022 19:59

You do what you need to do to get by. Unless he's willing to step up as primary carer or at least be around more to give you respite (and it sounds like he isn't if that would require him to change his job), then he doesn't really have a leg to stand on. You're the one making the sacrifices to provide most of the care for these children. He can always choose to move to be nearer to you (and your support network) if he's bothered. Or he can make you an offer to pay extra maintenance so you can buy in help when he's away in exchange for you not moving. Why should you bear the burden mostly on your own?

Show quote history

Sorry, why should he pay her extra maintenance because she's decided to move? Pay her to take his children away from him?

Op I think you're doing your children a disservice to be honest. Think about them not your ex.

AlasEarwacs · 10/05/2022 20:04

@ChocolateHippo why would he have to pay more because she chose to move his kids away?

ChocolateHippo · 10/05/2022 20:07

@AlasEarwacs . He wouldn't pay her to move away but "pay" her to stay so the OP can 'buy in' the support she would get from her family (in terms of respite/ help etc.) if she did move. Why should the OP do without the support she needs just to stay close to her ex, who is away with work and unable to support her for much of the time?

Tinyleopard · 10/05/2022 20:09

ChocolateHippo · 10/05/2022 20:07

@AlasEarwacs . He wouldn't pay her to move away but "pay" her to stay so the OP can 'buy in' the support she would get from her family (in terms of respite/ help etc.) if she did move. Why should the OP do without the support she needs just to stay close to her ex, who is away with work and unable to support her for much of the time?

Why should he pay her to stay?!

That's all different kinds of wrong.

Pay me more or I'll remove your children for 37 weeks of the year. Gross.

ChocolateHippo · 10/05/2022 20:14

But he's not really paying her to stay. He's paying to make her life acceptable so she doesn't feel that her only option is to move away.

She's not his unpaid nanny. She doesn't need to facilitate his career. Nor does he get to dictate where she lives. Life has to work for them both, and it doesn't sound like it's working for the OP at the moment.

AskingforaBaskin · 10/05/2022 20:16

ChocolateHippo · 10/05/2022 20:14

But he's not really paying her to stay. He's paying to make her life acceptable so she doesn't feel that her only option is to move away.

She's not his unpaid nanny. She doesn't need to facilitate his career. Nor does he get to dictate where she lives. Life has to work for them both, and it doesn't sound like it's working for the OP at the moment.

He's not dictating where she lives. She can go wherever in the world she likes.

She does not get to make a unilateral decision to move the children