Page 6 | Can I move our children away?

CrazyCatLady00 · 2022-05-09T16:06:12+00:00

My kids dad keeps threatening court action as I’m moving our DC 2.5hrs away. He says he can stop me? im moving to be near family so I will have that support and be able to give our DC a better life. I’ve always said that I’d never stop him seeing them but he is saying that I will break his bond with the DC, even though I’ve said he can have them all school holidays. He works over 24/7 so weekends are not always an option.

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 07:39

CrazyCatLady00 · 11/05/2022 06:56

I didn’t expect all this abuse to be honest. Making me feel like a really shit mum because I am moving my children away to make a better life for us. When I was with my ex he hardly ever bothered with our children, they used to get in the way, however since we split, he’s suddenly become super dad and constantly putting me down as a bad mum. He’s already taken me to court because he wanted a court order to say we would share xmas and birthdays, the judge threw it out because I’ve never denied him access. He tells me when he is seeing the kids, and it’s usually when it suits him. So I can’t make plans as he tells me.
He pays me minimum maintenance and not a penny more, so doesn’t contribute towards uniform, shoes, school trips. I can’t go out to work as whatever I make will be paid straight out in childcare. He always dangles the maintenance string and tells me I’m very lucky he’s paying for his kids and could quite easily stop working and not pay. I’ve told him several times he can stick his money up his ass as he’s not manipulating me like that.

i honestly don’t care if people call me selfish. Everyone’s situation and circumstances are different. I know I am doing this for the right reasons and would never stop him seeing his children. It’s only 2.5hrs, not another country!

What is minimum maintenance on a pilots salary out of interest?

lollipoprainbow · 11/05/2022 07:41

@ChocolateHippo you seem to have a massive chip on your shoulder about him being a pilot and having a decent career. The OP didn't mind being a 'service human' as you so delightfully put it when they were married!!

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 07:41

And presumably by minimum what you actually mean is CMS amount? (Which isn't minimum it's literally what they tell you to pay!)

ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 07:46

Nobody thinks that, they think she shouldn't fuck over her children's relationship with their father, a relationship THEY are entitled to.

And she won't be fucking it over - he isn't even around that much due to his career and 2.5 hours is hardly the ends of the earth. If he wants to maintain a close relationship with his children, he'll find ways to do it. If he's not bothered, then that will eventually come through.

Requiring the OP to stay in a place where she's miserable and she has no support to enable her to work outside the house if she wants to and improve her economic situation is 100% treating her as a service human being. Her life is very, very confined and lonely at the moment while he's flying off all over the world.

It remains open to her ex to apply to the court to be primary carer of the children if he thinks it's in their best interests (and either change career or hire a nanny to cover his time away). If he's not prepared to do that, he really doesn't have a leg to stand on.

ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 07:47

The OP didn't mind being a 'service human' as you so delightfully put it when they were married!!

She was benefiting from his income then. Now she gets nothing from him for her (the child maintenance is for the children).

When you're married, you're a team. When you separate, you're on your own and not entitled to support from the other person. Can't you see the difference?

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 07:50

ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 07:46

Nobody thinks that, they think she shouldn't fuck over her children's relationship with their father, a relationship THEY are entitled to.

And she won't be fucking it over - he isn't even around that much due to his career and 2.5 hours is hardly the ends of the earth. If he wants to maintain a close relationship with his children, he'll find ways to do it. If he's not bothered, then that will eventually come through.

Requiring the OP to stay in a place where she's miserable and she has no support to enable her to work outside the house if she wants to and improve her economic situation is 100% treating her as a service human being. Her life is very, very confined and lonely at the moment while he's flying off all over the world.

It remains open to her ex to apply to the court to be primary carer of the children if he thinks it's in their best interests (and either change career or hire a nanny to cover his time away). If he's not prepared to do that, he really doesn't have a leg to stand on.

She is fucking it over, she's removing them for 37 weeks of the year.

He shouldn't have to find a way to make it work, she shouldn't remove his children.

She's said he sees them regularly.

Perhaps he will and maybe he should do just that.

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 07:51

ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 07:47

The OP didn't mind being a 'service human' as you so delightfully put it when they were married!!

She was benefiting from his income then. Now she gets nothing from him for her (the child maintenance is for the children).

When you're married, you're a team. When you separate, you're on your own and not entitled to support from the other person. Can't you see the difference?

Was it you who suggested him paying her to stay? Seems ok to be the service human (aka looking after her own kids) if there's cash involved.

They're not a team but it's not her unilateral decision is it?

ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 07:55

They're not a team but it's not her unilateral decision is it?

Actually, it is. She can just leave.

She can't take the kids with her necessarily but, if he's unwilling to care for them, that's a moot point.

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 07:58

ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 07:55

They're not a team but it's not her unilateral decision is it?

Actually, it is. She can just leave.

She can't take the kids with her necessarily but, if he's unwilling to care for them, that's a moot point.

It's not her unilateral decision about that children, we've already clarified she can do what the fuck she wants on her own. Don't be deliberately obtuse.

We have no idea if he's unwilling, you seem to have just decided that he is on account of him being a man with a job you don't approve of.

candlesandpitchforks · 11/05/2022 08:02

@ChocolateHippo legally and morally it's not. Courts can and do stop people from doing this.

Kids aren't property, no one owns them, especially at the the age these two are.

As much as I agree that women get the tough end of a stick re parenting, I don't think it's fair to make a kid miss out on a relationship with their parent. We all know that is what will happen and OP will say oh well he doesn't make any effort (even though she moved away for her own sake).

It's depressing when kids suffer because adults are acting poorly.

As a parent

ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 08:05

We have no idea if he's unwilling, you seem to have just decided that he is on account of him being a man with a job you don't approve of.

I have nothing against pilots, it's just not a very family-friendly job when you have children.

If you're a pilot, you're not pulling your weight domestically/with childcare because you're not around for a lot of the time. It's not like you can do your share of school pick-ups etc. So logically you do rely on your partner or family filling the gap for you. The other side of that is presumably the economic benefits to the family from you doing the job that you do.

If you split with your partner, the balance becomes skewed. They're not getting the economic benefits of the relationship anymore (and in the OP's case, living on benefits). So you can't really expect them still to be running around facilitating your career and family life.

ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 08:05

legally and morally it's not. Courts can and do stop people from doing this.

The court cannot stop an adult moving. PSO applies only to the children.

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 08:11

ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 08:05

We have no idea if he's unwilling, you seem to have just decided that he is on account of him being a man with a job you don't approve of.

I have nothing against pilots, it's just not a very family-friendly job when you have children.

If you're a pilot, you're not pulling your weight domestically/with childcare because you're not around for a lot of the time. It's not like you can do your share of school pick-ups etc. So logically you do rely on your partner or family filling the gap for you. The other side of that is presumably the economic benefits to the family from you doing the job that you do.

If you split with your partner, the balance becomes skewed. They're not getting the economic benefits of the relationship anymore (and in the OP's case, living on benefits). So you can't really expect them still to be running around facilitating your career and family life.

Again though, I'd be very surprised if op had children with him and didn't know that from the very outset. She decided to still do it, she knew there would be consequences if they split and she still did it. I have limited sympathy. If he suddenly became unavailable that would be different. This is longstanding. He will also pay more for his lack of time with them. And more still when she removes them.

She's not facilitating his life. She's parenting her own children Nd facilitating their relationship with him. That's what decent parents do. Decent parents do not sever that relationship unless their is an incredibly good reason to. She may well think he's a shit but that's irrelevant. He's their parent and THEY are entitled to a relationship.

You're far too focused on hating the man to realise it's the children who should be the focus. As is often the case.

lollipoprainbow · 11/05/2022 08:12

@ChocolateHippo why should he give up his career because the OP is taking his children away??

doingitforthegirls · 11/05/2022 08:13

How old are your children? Presumably if give been separated 3 years they are at least over the age of 3 so you should be getting 30 hours childcare etc and with £750 a month in maintenance childcare costs should not be out of the realms of affordability?

ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 08:15

why should he give up his career because the OP is taking his children away??

He won't have a choice if he wants to be primary carer. Unless he can source childcare for while he's away.

If he doesn't want to be primary carer, he can't really stop her moving.

Whinge · 11/05/2022 08:16

doingitforthegirls · 11/05/2022 08:13

How old are your children? Presumably if give been separated 3 years they are at least over the age of 3 so you should be getting 30 hours childcare etc and with £750 a month in maintenance childcare costs should not be out of the realms of affordability?

Op said they're 11 and 13

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 08:16

ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 08:15

why should he give up his career because the OP is taking his children away??

He won't have a choice if he wants to be primary carer. Unless he can source childcare for while he's away.

If he doesn't want to be primary carer, he can't really stop her moving.

Well if he's not paying maintenance and op is paying him I suspect he will easily afford a nanny. I doubt op would only want to see her children in school holidays though, because that's wholly unreasonable isn't it?

ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 08:22

Well if he's not paying maintenance and op is paying him I suspect he will easily afford a nanny.

To be on call 24/7 for £750 per month? Not covering living expenses, food, kids' clothes, school expenses, activities etc. 😂

If you find someone who will do this, please give me their details!!!

KittyWithoutAName · 11/05/2022 08:29

why should he give up his career because the OP is taking his children away??

Because if the OP moves, then the only thing to stop the kids going with her, is if he has them as the resident parent. Even if the judge said the kids can't move, mum can still do it and take them, because the judge is u likely to order the kids to come back and live with dad, unless dad can prove he can care for them alongside his pilot career.

lollipoprainbow · 11/05/2022 08:30

@KittyWithoutAName so he has no say in the matter then? It's awful !

KittyWithoutAName · 11/05/2022 08:31

I suspect he will easily afford a nanny.

Great, go from being with mum to being with a nanny most of the time because dad's a pilot. So how much time will he even be spending with the kids he wants so badly?

KittyWithoutAName · 11/05/2022 08:32

so he has no say in the matter then? It's awful !

Can't stop an adult moving away, only the kids, but if mum goes, who looks after the kids then? Unless dad is willing to do that, and tbh it doesn't sound like his career is suited to it, then yeah.

ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 08:43

lollipoprainbow · 11/05/2022 08:30

@KittyWithoutAName so he has no say in the matter then? It's awful !

Well, he does. He could apply to the courts to have the children moved back and be primary carer. But no, he can't force their mother to move back.

Original poster

CrazyCatLady00 · 11/05/2022 08:56

@Tinyleopard ”Again though, I'd be very surprised if op had children with him and didn't know that from the very outset. She decided to still do it, she knew there would be consequences if they split and she still did it. I have limited sympathy”

funnily enough when you’re very happily married and both want to start a family I didn’t really think “oh but what happens if we split? Best not get pregnant then”

what a stupid statement @Tinyleopard 🙄

OP posts:

Can I move our children away?

Interested in this thread?